To think DP's ex is bu?

[ApignamedJasper]

DP's ex and her boyfriend have booked a v. expensive 2 week holiday around easter holidays.

She is expecting DP to take 2 weeks off work so he can look after their DS so she she can go on holiday.

DP is self employed so doesn't get any holiday pay etc and if he doesn't work for 2 weeks he won't get any money! Dp has said he will have ds as normal on the weekends but for the rest of the time she will have to make other arrangements.

She has also said doesn't want ds staying at our place overnight (we have just moved) but then wants him to stay with us for 2 weeks?

I thought I might be a bit close to the situation so I'm wondering if Aibu or if she is for expecting DP to lose 2 weeks of pay so she can go on holiday!

that was UR of her before arranging childcare

asking the other parent to take charge is not childcare it is parenting

Yes you're right CantBe.

This whole thing is making me feel horrible for the little boy.

I don't think there is anything wrong in a father having to take time off work to look after their child. Seems to me your dp is getting off pretty lightly in terms of childcare as it is. But she should have discussed dates with your dp before booking.

Yes I agree she's handled it badly, but I don't agree in principle that there's anything fundamentally U in expecting the NRP to have his own child for two weeks while she's on holiday.

I think your dp should be looking forward to the prospect of having his son for two weeks and being a parent!

I may have missed something but you say that she doesn't allow overnight contact but you have his DS one full weekend? Does she pick him up and drop him off the next day? I'm confused.

I think that she is entitled to go on holiday without her DS as you would be to miss a weekend because you were going on holiday with your DH so that request although a little short notice isn't unreasonable to me.

It's partially over easter, I think a week in the holidays and one not. Childcare isn't an issue normally because DP's ex doesn't work and she has her mother living in the same house so there is always someone there to look after him. Plus she has numerous friends who will take him for the day if she wants a break, and DP has him every weekend. DP's sister & mother also see him on a regular basis.

Eve, it was paid for on a credit card.

Whatever her private childcare arrangenments it is still reasonable of her to expect his dad to have him for a couple of weeks so she can go on holiday. Nothing to stop your dp using family and friends to facilitate care if he can't find the time to do it poor kid.

YANBU
Call me old fashioned, but when you have children you take them on holiday with you!!

Of course she is being unreasonable. It's the very basic of courtesies to consult with the other parent and see how it can be managed. Sounds to me as if she only wants him to step up and be a parent when it suits her, hence the change of mind about overnights.

Why isn't she taking her son on holiday with her? And therefore arranged it for the school holidays, as opposed to what I gather is half term-time and half holidays.

Eternity, DP has him for a whole weekend but he has to pick him up & drop him off mornings & evenings because she doesn't want him staying the night. She doesn't drive so doesn't bring him here or pick him up.

He has his own room here and we made sure he has some toys & things to make it his own so it was a bit upsetting when she said she didnt want him staying.

Trip, not sure I'm loving the implication that he isn't a parent because he doesn't live with Dss full time.

IreneA78

The DS is going on holiday with his parent though. He's going to his dad's for two week and will have an awesome time there, won't he OP?

It is not unreasonable to expect your DP to have him sometimes whilst she goes on holiday. What is unreasonable is the lack of consultation and the last-minute nature of it.

As someone said above, if I came home and said I was going on holiday next month and DH would have to sort out childcare, that would cause a big problem. Not because he is incapable of parenting, or doest want to spend time with the kids, but because it should have been discussed in advance so he could make arrangements around work etc.

Well I thought so too Irene! I wouldn't leave my children at home to go on holiday without them.

I think the reason for the timing is so it was cheaper for her as obviously holidays outside of school holidays cost less.

Yes he does Kim but as holiday times are very busy for both of us work-wise we tend to see him on weekends as that's when DP is off.

"so if we were away or had something else planned for a day we were supposed to have him we would make it up to following week if you see what I mean"

I was sort of on your side until the comment above. No, you don't go away or make it up to the child the following week! You stick to the weekends you are meant to have him unless it's an emergency.

I never get the idea of a holiday without dc. I know we are all different but a weekend away with dh is the most I'd want. For me holiday is for families to be together without work getting in the way. I would be delighted if u could spend 2 full weeks with my dc if usually that time was very limited. She is bu re the notice but your attitude has upset me - what about what's best for the dc? His mum doesn't want to spend time with him and would rather a holiday without him and now his dad doesn't want to give up work or money to make his dc a priority. Whether ex is bu or not can you just focus on the child?

Being self-employed doesn't necessarily mean that the OP's DP is rolling in it. Is he able to afford to give up working for two weeks? How much fun would the boys holiday be if they're living off beans and toast for a fortnight and only able to go to the park? It is an issue.

This isn't about him not stepping up, it's about him not being allowed to have his child overnight - until it suddenly suits - and not being consulted on the holiday plans or even given much notice.

I don't think you're being unreasonable at all. She's unilaterally booked a holiday and is demanding that her ex husband loses 2 weeks wages by taking care of their child.

If they were still together and the dh announced that he was off on a lads holiday for 2 weeks and gave 3 weeks notice for his wife to organise childcare etc the responses would be very different. I don't see how separated families are above showing the same consideration as those parents who still live together.

Part of me wonders if the ex expected her mum to do it as she lives with them and got an awful shock when she said no.

Oh and use it to your advantage - From now on dc can stay over.

There seems to be a whole bunch of jealousy and bitterness underlying towards the ex imo.

Are you also jealous as your ex hasn't taken time off work to spend with you OP

Completely unreasonable to book a holiday and then expect the ex to pick up all the child care. Arrangements have to be agreed with both parents. Anything else is unfair on the child and on the parent.

Her mother lives with her. Child care sorted. Your DP needs to work, and can't just stop when she demands for her convenience.