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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think DP's ex is bu?

222 replies

ApignamedJasper · 09/03/2015 10:34

DP's ex and her boyfriend have booked a v. expensive 2 week holiday around easter holidays.

She is expecting DP to take 2 weeks off work so he can look after their DS so she she can go on holiday.

DP is self employed so doesn't get any holiday pay etc and if he doesn't work for 2 weeks he won't get any money! Dp has said he will have ds as normal on the weekends but for the rest of the time she will have to make other arrangements.

She has also said doesn't want ds staying at our place overnight (we have just moved) but then wants him to stay with us for 2 weeks?

I thought I might be a bit close to the situation so I'm wondering if Aibu or if she is for expecting DP to lose 2 weeks of pay so she can go on holiday!

OP posts:

SoupDragon · 09/03/2015 12:26

Having re-read the thread, I feel quite sorry for the boy. The mother seems to want to palm him off and the father doesn't fight for him to stay overnight and changes contact if something better comes up.

Original poster

ApignamedJasper · 09/03/2015 12:30

I'm not sure Saucy, we've only moved about 3 weeks ago so he's only stayed once and after that she said he wouldn't be staying over again, not sure why. Dss seemed happy, went to sleep very quickly and easily so not sure what they problem is.

OP posts:

CaraDelevino · 09/03/2015 12:32

DP's ex did this once. Booked a holiday with her new boyfriend and then expected DP to use up his annual leave allowance taking time off to look after DSD.

Looking after DSD wasn't the issue. It was the assumption that it was no big deal for him to use up basically half his annual leave to facilitate her going on holiday. Or that such a big block of time could just be booked at short notice at his workplace without it being an issue. She also didn't work.

The ex is BU.

PtolemysNeedle · 09/03/2015 12:38

She is BU to not allow her son to stay at his fathers home.

She is not BU to expect her child's father to look after said child for two weeks of the year.

Most parents have to take time off work to cover childcare, there's no reason why your DP should be any different. If he was a good dad, surely he'd jump at the chance for an uninterrupted two weeks with his son?

mynewpassion · 09/03/2015 12:46

Unreasonable of ex to not let son sleepover. Unreasonable of DH for not doing his part over school breaks parenting.

Fauxlivia · 09/03/2015 12:46

Parents have to take time off to cover school holidays and child illness, not the whims of the other parent!

TheJiminyConjecture · 09/03/2015 12:48

Parents have to take time off to cover school holidays and child illness, not the whims of the other parent!

^ This, with bells on

catsmother · 09/03/2015 12:48

What Kindersurprises said ....

... flick through the boards and there are usually any number of threads along the lines of 'My DH has just announced he's going on a golfing trip/stag night/music festival/lads' jolly and is leaving me with the kids' and quite understandably most replies are pretty condemning, especially when family money's being used with nothing left over for family trips.

And then you get a situation like this, where the mother TELLS her ex what she wants him to do. No discussion, no opportunity for compromise (e.g. on dates which may work for both of them), no consideration given to lost earnings (which may be critical depending on area of work and time of year).

And you still get people coming on and having a go at the OP and her DP because they've dared to raise an eyebrow about it.

Their worry is NOT the same as him being an irresponsible father, or him telling the ex she shouldn't go away without their son, or him not taking his share of responsibility. As others have said, what this is about - or should be about at any rate - is mature and civil communication so the child's needs can be met fairly and sensibly whilst at the same time the needs/wants of both parents are also taken into account. Many people CANNOT take time off just like that ... use your imagination as to why that might be, there are 1001 different reasons ... so there's no need for all the pointless petty and spiteful jibes towards this dad. Unless I've missed it this man hasn't once indicated that he's not prepared to look after his son for prolonged periods at all, ever - just that it needs to be planned, discussed and agreed with fair notice. Ditto the nasty remarks about him 'choosing' to be self employed ... bloody hell, he's making an effort to earn a living here, I'm sure his ex would far prefer (NOT) him to be claiming benefits instead so she could get £5 a week CSA.

Then again, the OP probably should have known better than to come on to the AIBU board to discuss any sort of step family issue (and yeah yeah, I'll save anyone the bother of stating that she's not a stepparent because they're not married blah blah ..) as giving her (and others like her) a right good old going over - regardless of the facts - is practically de rigueur here.

Andro · 09/03/2015 12:48

The short notice is very unreasonable; self employed or employed by a firm, significant holidays can require a good deal of planning and work preparation. Assuming that the nrp can just drop everything in a non emergency situation is selfish and shows an arrogant disregard for the nrp and his commitments.

clam · 09/03/2015 12:57

I'll ask this again: why isn't the ex taking her son on holiday with her?

GoldenBeaches · 09/03/2015 12:59

All of my dh's annual leave is used up to look after his kids!!
Anyway...
Use this to your advantage! If he says no now he may not get the chance to have his son overnight again. If he says yes but then asks if he can have his son overnight at weekends from now on its a win win for all.

catsmother · 09/03/2015 12:59

How pointlessly unpleasant to insinuate he's not a good dad because he can't just drop everything for 2 weeks with very short notice.

I, and many others I'm sure, couldn't cope with having 2 weeks' pay suddenly stopped when I hadn't planned for that eventuality. And if that stoppage meant I couldn't feed/clothe or keep my child warm properly (or pay maintenance as in the case of non-res parents) then how 'good' a parent would I be then ?

Indeed, most parents have to take time off work .... but most of us, barring sudden illness, usually get some say in the matter, especially when it comes to two weeks worth of time off - time which could have been anticipated if the ex was mature enough to communicate, rather than an unforeseen emergency.

Most parents would 'jump at the chance' to spend more time with their children period, but it can't always be done on a whim - your own, let alone anyone else's. Again, OP has said nothing to suggest her DP doesn't want to spend time with his child - but this has to be managed in the wider context of earning a living, paying housing costs and all that sort of boring stuff which is pretty essential when raising a child. For all we know, the dad could have been planning to ask if his son could stay for 3 weeks in the summer - if he was 'allowed' that is.

Some of the replies here are hideously narrow minded and unrealistic.

MonstrousRatbag · 09/03/2015 12:59

The ex is not being unreasonable to expect your DP to take his son for an extended period so she can go on a holiday.

She is being very unreasonable to book the holiday (i) before she consulted your DH and (ii) in term time, since your DH could not get him to and from school easily from where you live and (iii) giving him such short notice.

CaraDelevino · 09/03/2015 13:03

To everyone on this thread with a job: hands up how many of you would be able to sort a fortnights' unpaid leave with just three weeks' notice?

And hands up if your household would be able to absorb the loss of two weeks' wages with less than a month to plan for the shortfall?

notinagreatplace · 09/03/2015 13:06

Agree with Ratbag.

But also wanted to add - I always find it peculiar when people say that they (or more usually) their DH/DP can't take time off because they're self-employed and will 'lose money'. If you're on a salary, you're not paid to be on annual leave, you're paid for the 48 weeks or whatever that you work and your employer for everyone's convenience pays that monthly rather than adjusting it every month for annual leave taken. if you're self-employed, you have to do that adjusting yourself but you should really be factoring in a suitable amount of holiday time all year round, it shouldn't come as a nasty surprise.

clam · 09/03/2015 13:06

Exactly, cara, but as ever on MN, people can't resist the temptation of piling in to accuse a bloke of being a bad father and the step-mother of resenting her dss/dsds.

Chunkymonkey79 · 09/03/2015 13:08

Its not unreasonable for the ex to expect your dp to have his kids every so often in these circumstances. However, she shouldn't dictate where they sleep, she should consult your dp first and ensure her arrangements suit everybody before booking.

CaraDelevino · 09/03/2015 13:08

it shouldn't come as a nasty surprise

Errr, except that the whole point of this thread is that this time it has come as a nasty surprise!

OP's DP wasn't planning for taking a holiday in three weeks. Now his ex has told him he has to.

clam · 09/03/2015 13:09

WHY ISN'T THE EX TAKING HER SON WITH HER?!!

Surely that's much more worthy of MN opprobrium?

CaraDelevino · 09/03/2015 13:12

Clam at a guess, because it would cramp the new BF's style?

AyeAmarok · 09/03/2015 13:12

Maybe he should think of this as his contribution to the childcare he'd need to pay for of he lived with his DS full time.

He's got off fairly lightly since his ExW isn't/isn't able to work at the moment and is there to look after his son everyday.

Parents need to take holidays all the time to look after children during school holidays. This is no different.

Although it would have been courteous to ask him first. And the not staying over is a bit daft of she's willing to let him stay two weeks now. So hopefully your DP doing this fortnight of parenting will end the silly driving back-and-forth arrangement. So that's another positive.

MannUp · 09/03/2015 13:16

All the people who think she is being reasonable obviously don't work full time.

Original poster

ApignamedJasper · 09/03/2015 13:16

Cats, this is the problem with the work situation, it isn't a case of him putting work first etc it's more a case that if he doesn't work he can't pay the rent/bills and then will have nowhere for Dss to sleep when he does visit because we will lose the place we live in!

The money situation will probably get easier as I'm due to start work very soon but I won't have started bringing money in by the time she goes away and as I only work part time it isn't enough to cover the shortfall.

I myself have a disney dad ex to deal with so I really do understand things from the other side but DP is about a million times better than my ex. Believe me I would be the first to jump on him if he wasn't taking his respinsibilities as a father seriously!

Clam, I'm guessing because it was a) more expensive and b) she just wants a nice romantic holiday with her boyfriend.

Yes cara, this is the problem :)

OP posts:

MirandaWest · 09/03/2015 13:18

Asking if your DP could have his DS for two weeks is fine. But how much notice has she given? I've been away on holiday with just my DP and the children have mostly been with my XH but I asked him months in advance (as well as checking my mum and dad could help as well) before I booked it. Just expecting that the time will be covered is unreasonable IMO

Morelikeguidelines · 09/03/2015 13:18

She should have sorted all this out with your dp before booking holiday. They should between them have made sensible, firm arrangements.

Please fgs don't let the poor ds feel unwanted or as though dad doesn't want to have him.

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