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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think Mumsnetters are quite antisocial?

209 replies

ifdaryldiesweriot · 06/03/2015 21:19

Just from reading different threads its just the feeling I get.

People don't answer the door or their home phone.

It has to be also be pre-arranged for anyone to pop over. My cousin came to deliver something today, no idea she was coming, happy to see her and invited her in.

People don't seem to like other people in their house, I was at a friends party last week. They were still up at 7am, I fell asleep and ended up staying the night - didn't ask and it wasn't a problem. I think this would horrify some.

A "girls night" seems to be viewed as rather childish.

If a partner has friends over it seems to have mutual agreement that this is annoying.

I could be very wrong and happy to be told so.

OP posts:
treaclesoda · 09/03/2015 19:48

Can I ask a question? Someone upthread mentioned they were a social worker and I think they said that they were also a non door opener. In the professional capacity as social worker is it not quite problematic when you call to see a family or individual and they won't come to the door? I'm assuming it probably happens quite a lot.

talkingofmichaelangelo · 09/03/2015 21:33

If you are an introvert, you lose energy in contact with other people (esp. unfamiliar or unexpected ones) and you replenish it in solitude.

IF you are an extravert (sic) you lose energy in solitude and it replenishes in company.

Many extraverts experience a knock on the door as the equivalent of being handed an unexpected fiver. They generally imagine that everyone is like that, so every interaction is everyone getting richer. Who wouldn't want to take part in that?

If you are an introvert, a knock on the door is the equivalent of being forced to hand over a fiver (or more). Maybe, yes, that would be the nice thing to do. But when you actually already owe that money to someone to whom you have primary responsibility (like your child, who is coming home from school in half an hour) it can be more responsible to hang onto it.

Ultimately, extraverts often fail to apprehend two basic things: 1. interaction costs (some people), and 2. We all have a responsibility and a right to manage our own resources and getting into "debt" (for however "good" a reason) is not something that someone else can just decide to foist upon us for their own reasons - any more than you would get into real debt for a neighbour's convenience - you can only spare what you can spare.

You never hear introverts chuntering on in the converse way, whining in a quasi-moralistic way about extraverts daring to please themselves by socialising. Introverts tend to be reflective enough to have sussed that NOT EVERYONE IS LIKE THEM

Lovemycatsandkids · 09/03/2015 21:49

I don't answer my door unless I know whose there.

Why would you?

treaclesoda · 09/03/2015 21:54

Are people cleanly divided into introverts and extroverts? I don't think I recognise myself in either description tbh. I don't feel anxious or worn out by the idea of interacting with people but I don't get all energised by it either. Are most people not somewhere in the middle.

FWIW, I don't think its entirely true to say that extroverts take a quasi moral point of view over this and introverts don't. I've heard a lot of introverts over the years be very scornful of people who are very into socialising, big groups of people etc, writing them off as being somehow lacking in moral fibre, untrustworthy etc.

DozyDonut · 09/03/2015 21:58

I have to talk to people all day at work, members of the public, I answer their questions, general chit chat, offer advice and I love it.

So when I get home I like peace, I love my own company. I peep to see who's knocking the door and decide if I want to answer it or not.
As I've got older I do what I want Grin.

I hate people just turning up, and i always answer the phone incase it's my elderly parents but I've always got an excuse to hand if it's someone I don't want to talk too,

I guess I'm like Jekyll and Hyde Hmm

talkingofmichaelangelo · 09/03/2015 22:20

treacle, I think most people fall a bit one way or the other, but some people fall extremely one way or the other. but I am not an expert!

ok maybe some introverts are snotty about extraverts. But in general I think that a lot of extraverts conflate being sociable and being nice or kind. I think that it's a venn diagram and in fact there are a lot of people who find socialising difficult who are actually very considerate and go out of their way to be good to people in general (perhaps in impersonal ways like supporting a charity or working in a humanitarian job); whereas others enjoy socialising a lot but are just not very nice.

Clearly the reverse can be true too.

but the conflation of sociable = kind really struck me recently when I was talking to a pro - a very seasoned HR pro - telling him I was an introvert, he countered "But you clearly are not an utter cow as you have strong recommendations from your team" - and I thought, wow, people really do think that introverts are just nasty - even pros who should know better.

PunkrockerGirl · 09/03/2015 22:23

I agree Dozy. I spend all day talking to patients, relatives, colleagues etc. When I get home, I just want to close the door and have my private family time.
I love my job, but it's incredibly stressful and without my quiet home time I doubt I could do it as effectively.

DozyDonut · 09/03/2015 22:41

punkrocker sounds like we have the same job!!

NobodyLivesHere · 10/03/2015 02:13

hakluyt (I've a feeling I've spelt that wrong sorry!) I would do the things you described, I offer lifts, I offer to help with fractious babies. The other day I pulled over after a woman collapsed in the street, called an ambulance and stayed until her husband came. I'm a nice, decent human being! But once I'm at home I NEED that time alone to resettle my brain.

Hakluyt · 10/03/2015 06:25

"Many extraverts experience a knock on the door as the equivalent of being handed an unexpected fiver. They generally imagine that everyone is like that, so every interaction is everyo,

I don't. I just regard it as a knock on the door. The last 3 I've had have been a neighbour asking if I had some garlic she could borrow, some Mormons (I think- didn't get into enough conversation to find out what religion they were but they looked like Mormons) and a delivery man. Each transaction took about 2 minutes. Surely, in terms of being disturbed, thwt was quicker than having to keep quiet, wondering if they were going to knock again, worrying if they had gone away, then wondering who it was. If I were prone to anxiety, I think not answering would be much more anxious making than answering.......

NobodyLivesHere · 10/03/2015 06:41

My neighbours just wouldnt knock my door. The Mormon I definitely wouldn't answer, and for me not having to talk is far less stressful than any interaction regardless how quick. And my postie/delivery guy knows my safe place to leave stuff. Or I send a child to answer.

Roussette · 10/03/2015 08:20

Agree with you Hakluyt. It IS just a knock on the door. I'm not thinking "oooh the chance to drag someone in for a cup of tea and a chat". I don't think of it like being handed a fiver, that's hilarious as I get interrupted too. i just think - someone needs to talk to me. I had a late amazon delivery last night, poor bloke was still delivering parcels at 9pm last night, I comiserated, took my parcel and shut the door. Just over a minute of my time and I got my parcel.

As far as a landline, if you lived in a rubbish mobile reception area, you don't have a lot of choice but to answer the phone - like the time it went in the middle of the night and my DD was in a real scary situation, thank god I answered. I would never ever ignore a phone (unless I knew it was obviously PPI or scam calls) because who knows who needs you.

brandy321 · 10/03/2015 08:22

I don't like people to see my home unless it is 90% tidy. I also like to be presentable, fairly nice clothes and make up on.

I have "take me as you find me" friends, which is good for them, but would be mortified if someone came over and I had a bare face and there were pots in the sink. I also like to make sure I have nice cake/biscuits to offer or a meal if its mealtimes.

Its a pride thing. Nothing to do with being anti social.

2rebecca · 10/03/2015 08:31

I have a busy life and need time to myself sometimes so if I'm not working during the day will ignore the phone (mainly because it's usually automated cold callers as phone calls are expensive during the day for most people I know and I have an answer machine). My friends and relatives live too far away to pop in but I think popping in is rude as it is easy to arrange to meet in advance and I don't like unexpected guests when I've set aside the time to do something (or nothing).
We all live busy lives these days. I need down time.

brandy321 · 10/03/2015 08:35

Another thing I wonder about people who dont mind poppers in is that do you never spend the afternoon shagging? Cousin knocking on the door when I was having a nice afternoon with my DH would piss me right off!

2rebecca · 10/03/2015 08:35

I will always answer the door though.

Hakluyt · 10/03/2015 08:43

There's a difference between not answering the door because you're having sex and not answering the door on principle!

caryam · 10/03/2015 08:47

Agree with you. We had a party a week ago and some friends had arranged to stay over. After the party one friend got out her sleeping bag. I didn't know she was staying, but she had agreed it with my friends whose room she was sharing. It was fine. Although I know if I had posted about it on here, there would have been lots saying how cheeky she was.

Roussette · 10/03/2015 08:51

Brandy if I was in the middle of something important like that, of course I wouldn't answer the door! I very rarely have anyone ring the doorbell impromptu and then I ask them in. I think it's happened about twice in ten years. It's just other stuff - neighbour's son kicked ball over fence, deliveries, NDN wondering if I'd seen their cat etc, worthwhile campaign for something local needing signatures, that sort of thing. None of these are poppers in.

SomewhereIBelong · 10/03/2015 09:11

brandy - I have 2 kids a dog and we both work - an afternoon shagging is rarely on the cards!

livefastlove · 10/03/2015 14:41

I have a police No Cold Callers sign up. My mum laughed as it says Leave and do not return! A bit different to those welcome signs some people have. I am a bit of a mix as I really enjoy some time with people and like the odd party or event and I don't like to be alone too much, but I do need and enjoy some time alone. Dh is quite unsocial and likes lots of time alone and doesn't really like too many visitors, he tolerates my mum and the occasional school friend. We are both quite friendly though and like to chat to neighbours or fellow dog walkers or parents at school.

Daisyroll · 10/03/2015 15:07

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

OnlyLovers · 10/03/2015 15:08

treacle, 'Are people cleanly divided into introverts and extroverts?' I don't believe so. I think this split is artificial and, honestly, bobbins. I read that book Quiet and thought it was not terribly convincing.

talkingofmichaelangelo · 10/03/2015 15:41

I don't understand how people can dare to be "not convinced" by others' experiences. You can say "no, not me" but you can't then say "so it's bobbins"

OnlyLovers · 10/03/2015 15:53

If you're addressing me, michaelangelo, I wasn't talking about others' experiences, but about a book, the thesis of and evidence in which I didn't find convincing.

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