to be so anxious about new neighbour?

[fabuleux]

Had a lovely quiet couple next to me for the last 12 months, barely heard a peep.
New neighbour appears to be a young woman in early 20s and her dd who looks about 2.
They've been slowly moving things in over the last week. The walls are paper thin and I've heard her dd tantrumming/screaming/crying already and lots of loud voices when she's had people over. Plus either her or someone else was smoking outside her front door which made my house stink when I opened my kitchen window.
Praying she doesn't blare shitty thumping music out and that her dd doesn't wake screaming/crying in the night. Her bedroom is right next to my 10yo's room. I've had shit neighbours in the past and think I'm hypersensitive to it all now and can't relax.

Gosh I expect your 10 year old never had a tantrum then!

Give her a chance eh? You sound like you've written her off already, which is a shame and tbh reflects more on you than her

Gosh Horse dentist, you're quick to jump down her throat.

OP I guess you don't have control over this other than to try and make a friend of her if possible but she could turn out to be noisy and less ideal than your last neighbours. You will have to wait and see I guess.

I actually feel a bit sorry for the new neighbour.
OP - you've got her hung, drawn and quartered already.
Give her a chance before being so judgy and negative.

Until you got to the smoking bit I actually thought you were talking about me. I am a 23yr old single mother who has just bought a semi detached house in a naice area and moved in with my tantrumming/sleep-dodging 2yr old. I really hope my neighbour isn't judging me like you are.

FWIW I've had bad neighbours before. A toddler being a toddler is not a bad neighbour.

OMG a young single mother, call the SS quick!

I think you need to be more tolerant. It's bound to be a bit noisy while she is moving in and settling in. Toddlers make noise, you need to accept that. You will drive yourself barmy if you get upset at every tiny noise.

If there are issues with the smoking or inconsiderate noise (eg loud music, not the toddler) you can have a polite word if necessary. Calm down and give this woman a chance, she deserves a place to live too.

I feel sorry for your new neighbour too.

YABU. And looking to find fault. Give them a chance, they have only been there a week.

Also I think your previous negative experiences are making you create a picture of the future based on very little reality of your current situation. it is not a certainty that she is going to be an inconsiderate neighbour. In fact, her having a toddler may be a good thing as she is less likely to have all night parties etc. You need to see that your negative thinking is causing your anxiety, not the actual situation. Please try to calm down.

OP hasn't said or done anything horrible to her new neighbour, so no need to be so rough on her! She's not done anything wrong.

She has already judged the woman as a Bad Neighbour and made assumptions.

Chances are she'll be a perfectly fine, nice, normal person with a bog standard toddler. You'll remember from when your own was a toddler that they're noisy, tantrumming buggers and that they grow out of it.

If the noise is a continual problem, have a word with her about it.

It isn't helpful to you to start to imagine all sorts of things that haven't even happened yet. I understand when you've suffered awful neighbours you're going to be worried it'll happen again because it's utterly miserable.

But give this woman a chance. See who she is. Don't prejudge.

OP's second paragraph was all about imagining things that haven't happened yet so yes, she is BU to be anxious.

I can understand why you're a bit anxious OP since you have had bad experiences with neighbours before. I wouldn't be so quick to judge her though. She might be a bit noisier than you would like and have smokers visiting or even (gasp) be a smoker herself! That doesn't mean she won't be a good neighbour. Give her a chance, you might even end up friends.

Do you think your anxiety has made you a little bit judgemental towards her? Your OP comes across a little bit holier than thou... Or holier than her... You know what I mean!

OP you are NOT being unreasonable to feel anxious about this! You have a right to enjoy peace and quiet in your home.
Sadly many people think its ok to inflict constant noise on neighbours.

I recently moved out of my flat because of a very noisy out-of-control toddler next door. The constant screaming, shouting, banging walls, tantruming and running all night on hardwood floors made my life hell. I was being woken several times a night and in the day I couldn't relax, study or concentrate. My nerves were in shreds. I felt my only option was to move, I now live in a detached house and life is so much better!

Hopefully your neighbours won't be like mine. I suggest you give it a couple of weeks to let the child adjust to new environment and try to get on good terms with the mum. She'll be more willing to minimise noise of you have a rapport.

But also be firm from the start about what you expect! If the toddler starts waking you/your daughter every night, or causes other unreasonable noise, tell your neighbour immediately. And complain to landlord if it doesn't improve, as most tenancy agreements have a clause about not disturbing neighbours. Some specify 'quiet hours' usually 11pm-7am.

I firmly believe people with small children should NOT live in flats with poor soundproofing, unless they're prepared to make every effort to keep their child from disturbing others.

Positives:

Potential for a new friend for you.
Another Mum, so if you get to know each other potential for helping each other out on occasions, eg emergency childcare.
She has a young child so unlikely to be having all night parties.
A 2 year old will be moving out of the crying/tantruming stage in a year or two.

Negatives:

She, or a friend smoke.
You can hear when she has visitors as they talk loudly.

So, more positives than negatives, from what I can see. Take her round some flowers/plant/chocs, introduce yourself and invite her around for a cuppa. Any minor issues can then be brought up so much easily (e.g. could you and your friends possibly smoke away from my kitchen window etc)

^
Wow.

Sorry, trulybadlydeeply that was aimed at Sukie

So it is not OK to be worried about having a repeat of a really bad experience?
Surely that's what's called learning from experience?
YANBU to be worried.
But it would be U to express your concerns to this neighbour before giving them a chance.

I can see both sides.

We had a nightmare neighbour and we shared a communal hallway with him so when he moved we were dreading who would move in. Thankfully new neighbours were angels.

When we moved we were those neighbours you dread to see... toddler, me heavily pregnant with number 2. However our downstairs neighbour is amazingly lovely and it helps that the way our maisonettes are laid our means her bedroom is downstairs so at least I know my screaming newborn wont keep her awake.

Total you really are not the neighbours I would dread to see. A family doesn't worry me, family noise is not inconsiderate. I would be glad to see a family moving in. all my bad experiences have been with single males - loud music, dogs barking etc. You might say that's stereotypical, but it's my experience.

I remember having a screaming noisy toddler and feeling so concious that my neighbours could hear everything and were disturbed. Not a nice way to live at all. Yet I now have a 9 year old ds and a noisy toddler next door. Doesn't bother us at all, how can it? It can't be helped! It's also a lovely reminder that I don't have to deal with all those toddler tantrums anymore! And if the toddler is being especially tantrummy and crying all day, I just think, poor parents.

I thought the OP was bad but you take the biscuit. I firmly believe people with small children should NOT live in flats with poor soundproofing, unless they're prepared to make every effort to keep their child from disturbing others. That is just a ridiculous statement. I'm sure if there was a way of keeping toddlers quiet, there would be no such thing as noisy toddlers. And people can live where they bloody like.

Praying she doesn't blare shitty thumping music She looks the type does she? Get a grip.

I am planning on taking round some cake and introducing myself when I've noticed she has fully moved in. I am trying really hard not to judge, and think it really is the experience of bad neighbours before that is making me assume the worst, I really didn't mean to sound such a cow in my op!