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AIBU?

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Original poster

to be so anxious about new neighbour?

188 replies

fabuleux · 06/03/2015 10:27

Had a lovely quiet couple next to me for the last 12 months, barely heard a peep.
New neighbour appears to be a young woman in early 20s and her dd who looks about 2.
They've been slowly moving things in over the last week. The walls are paper thin and I've heard her dd tantrumming/screaming/crying already and lots of loud voices when she's had people over. Plus either her or someone else was smoking outside her front door which made my house stink when I opened my kitchen window.
Praying she doesn't blare shitty thumping music out and that her dd doesn't wake screaming/crying in the night. Her bedroom is right next to my 10yo's room. I've had shit neighbours in the past and think I'm hypersensitive to it all now and can't relax.

OP posts:
fanjoforthemammaries7850 · 08/03/2015 18:03

We have a monitor. She bangs if we aren't through quick enough. We are pretty quick. Hope that is ok and unreprehensible

Tinklypink · 08/03/2015 18:20

Actually Fanjo you have proved yourself that what Suzie is talking about is nothing to do with ASD....

Numerous times you have said she bangs and you are there, she has a meltdown and you are there, she is awake in the night and you are there...

Suzie is not saying that YOUR parenting of a child with ASD who will probably not learn that banging upsets the neighbours (mine hasn't!) is a problem but that she has been in a situation where a child was 'allowed' to scream for hours, seemingly unchecked and banged, crashed, again seemingly unchecked.....

Sometimes we are too quick to not question. Fanjo you said it yourself - that situation seemed extreme and it does to me - I am thinking neglect though not SEN.

Out of all my friends with children with ASD plus me not one of us has a quiet, settled, non banging child that sleeps all night yet not ONE of us could hand on heart say our children present to that degree and it's rare to hear of neighbours complaining.... Far from it... And you know why? Because we parent our children, we reduce their anxieties - again you said yourself your daughter is generally quieter than next doors toddler.

I am really concerned about The child next door to Suzie

Tinklypink · 08/03/2015 18:22

And to whoever said it - no Fanjo can not just 'move the bed'

You can't 'just' move anything in a bedroom of a child with ASD - unless Ofcourse you are bored of sleeping and fancy being awake all night until they settle again...

fanjoforthemammaries7850 · 08/03/2015 18:25

Dd used to scream a lot. It would appear unchecked to next door. We were there every minute. She had night terrors.

fanjoforthemammaries7850 · 08/03/2015 18:25

She is quieter than next doors toddler now at 8. The toddler is damn noisy though.

fanjoforthemammaries7850 · 08/03/2015 18:26

I'd never assume parents are not there if a child screams. All might not be well with child but I think usually the parents will be there.

fanjoforthemammaries7850 · 08/03/2015 18:28

Also..our old neighbours did complain. And this was not due to lack of parenting. We were up every night there with DD. But couldn't stop her screaming. So i don't judge parents.

Tinklypink · 08/03/2015 18:30

It probably didn't appear unchecked though Fanjo... they would have heard you too and seen how bloody knackered you were Grin

flanjabelle · 08/03/2015 18:31

Why can't I take dd to a different room... Well I live in a Flat where all the walls are joining the flats next to me. not really much I can do with that. surely it's better to stay where I am and try to settle her back to bed?

there seems to be an assumption here that when a toddler is crying that the parents are just leaving them to it. With dd I can be holding her, rocking her, stroking her back, offering her cuddly toys, offering her milk, trying to give her calpol, anything, but if she is in a complete tizzy nothing will help at all.

It might sound like I am doing nothing, but I am trying all those things and nothing works. Sometimes she has to get to a point where she can calm herself down.

I have foam mats down, I try to move her to them to play, but there isn't much more than that I can do regarding the floor noise.

HSMMaCM · 08/03/2015 18:33

You could mention how annoying it is that the walls are so thin and you hope you won't disturb her.

Tinklypink · 08/03/2015 18:33

You SHOULD judge parents though Fanjo - some are not parenting appropriately and if we assume everyone is ok that's when it goes wrong.

Tinklypink · 08/03/2015 18:40

I lived in a flat pre-child and when he was a baby plus did shifts so was awake at odd times and I can assure you that you hear people going into rooms, you hear cupboards opening... You get to know people's noises...

I knew when my neighbour downstairs was ill as he didn't seem to be moving around much - I checked on him and it was a chest infection - he was ok - got him a bit of shopping.

I also had neighbour who did let his 6 and 8 year old run about and shout.... He was very shocked when I collared him in the corridor and said that whilst I appreciated that he only had his children twice a week I didn't not appreciate that twice a week his children were allowed to treat the block like a playground and waking my baby up.... He was very sheepish - apparently their mum was 'horrid' and didn't let them 'have fun' at home and he was little freaked that I knew his pattern so well....

Sukie272 · 08/03/2015 19:10

Tinklypink... I know what you mean about getting to know people's noises and routines. The walls in my flat were so thin I could hear everything, even bedsprings creaking. It was an old house converted into flats so inner-walls weren't insulated. The family on the other side had 3 young children but they were very quiet and kids were always in bed by 8pm. I'd hear them playing, laughing, the odd tantrum but nothing unusual (which is why I found it bizarre the other neighbours made so much noise when they only had 1 child and there were 4 adults living in their flat!)

Flanjab I'm sorry you're having a tough time. It must be really difficult. Sounds like you're doing everything you can. In contrast I'm fairly sure my neighbours were not attending to their child, and they DID have option of moving him to another room as their flat was on the end of building with an empty flat to one side. Their open plan lounge-kitchen backed onto my flat, this was the room he was allowed to run and screech in at night!

perpetua72 · 08/03/2015 21:39

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fanjoforthemammaries7850 · 08/03/2015 21:45

Hmm what a charmer

ScooseIsLoose · 08/03/2015 22:31

Are you for real perpetua? So now having asd means a child is an unruly brat? May I suggest you give your head a wobble and educate yourself. my 'unruly brat' is worth ten of ignorant people like you!

flanjabelle · 09/03/2015 07:48
theboatisleaking · 09/03/2015 08:01

No-one said kids with ASD are unruly brats Confused Some kids (without ASD) are just badly parented and yes I agree this can result in 'unruly brats' who disturb entire buildings. ASD/SEN aside there are plenty of antisocial parents who don't raise their kids to respect others. Discipline should start when they are toddlers and be constantly reinforced.

Fanjofor, I realise it's hard to control a child with severe ASD but I find it puzzling that you still live in a flat with thin walls when you've had 8 years to find more suitable accommodation!! If you can't stop your 8-year-old banging on neighbours' walls at night and screaming, that type of flat is a terrible choice!! You're lucky your current neighbours are tolerant but what about when their toddler is older or if they move? What if new neighbours have to work shifts or have a baby they need to get to sleep? Or have a child who is frightened by your DD thumping the walls at night?
When DC1 was born we lived in a maisonette, scrimped and saved so we could afford a terraced house by time DC2 came along, 4 years later (both working full-time) we moved to a semi in a more affordable area.

Flats are not good places to raise kids. If you really have no choice, at least go for a flat with good soundproofing! Or move to an area with cheap bungalows/detached cottages.

fanjoforthemammaries7850 · 09/03/2015 08:16

she doesn't scream now. she occasionally bangs a tiny bit. Neighbours are happy. Please read my posts before berating me.

Detached houses IN edinburgh are 360k. We can't afford one. And can't move out of city as DD would lose her school place Which is vital to her.

Hence we have bent over backwards to make her as quiet as possible.

Seriously, how fucking dare you tell me where to live. Seriously out of order.

fanjoforthemammaries7850 · 09/03/2015 08:17

The flats are perfectly soundproofed. The neighbours said they very occasionally heard a soft bang.

Seriously ..just mind your own.

engeika · 09/03/2015 08:31

Hi OP - just some support. Hope that your fears are allayed and that the neighbour turns out to be a good one. So many here are putting themselves in the position of the neighbour, (to whom you have said nothing yet), instead of trying tounderstand your stress.

I am living with terrible neighbours - not noise but boundary issues, aggression, low-level bullying of my child etc - and it makes me sick and anxious. I will have to move and that will cost a fortune.

Some sympathy for the OP here would be nice - all she has done is express a fear.

Jaded2004 · 09/03/2015 08:45

I understand your worries op. I've had some terrible neighbours and it's so stressful. The thing that winds me up is the lack of care, they will know the sound really travels but don't seem to even try to keep it down a bit especially in the evenings and during the night. I always try although I do fail sometimes to keep the neighbours if things start to get a bit noisy and tbh I think it's common curtesy to do that. I have moved in the past because it's got so bad.

flanjabelle · 09/03/2015 08:50

Fanjo, give up. I have. It's pointless. Obviously we all have the money to move, or the money to be picky about where we live. I'm in a council flat, in an area that no one wants to swap to. I would love a house and a garden for dd (oh and thanks so much for making me feel shitter about it theboat), but it is not possible. I'm just greatful we have a home, I have been homeless before (pre dd) and it fucking sucks. Sorry if raising my child in a flat is not a 'good choice', but it's the only one I have!

Flowers for you Fanjo. You are doing a great job and clearly always put your dd first. ignore these idiots.

expatinscotland · 09/03/2015 08:59

Sukie sounds like our downstairs neighbour. We finally had him arrested last night.

expatinscotland · 09/03/2015 09:03

perpetua is all over the board spewing a load of child-hating nonsense. Seriously, you gotta wonder where such tools get off.