to be so anxious about new neighbour?

[fabuleux]

Had a lovely quiet couple next to me for the last 12 months, barely heard a peep.
New neighbour appears to be a young woman in early 20s and her dd who looks about 2.
They've been slowly moving things in over the last week. The walls are paper thin and I've heard her dd tantrumming/screaming/crying already and lots of loud voices when she's had people over. Plus either her or someone else was smoking outside her front door which made my house stink when I opened my kitchen window.
Praying she doesn't blare shitty thumping music out and that her dd doesn't wake screaming/crying in the night. Her bedroom is right next to my 10yo's room. I've had shit neighbours in the past and think I'm hypersensitive to it all now and can't relax.

Ooops italics fail there... so quiet and peaceful

Wow, Sukie, I remember your thread from only a few weeks ago where you were having a nightmare with your neighbour's child making noise. You've done amazingly well to move into a detached house in that time. Fast work.

OP, cake idea sounds lovely.

Sukie, I do see your logic, and I really feel sorry for anyone who has nightmare neighbours. But I think your bad experience is leading you to say some things which sound harsh.

Most parents will do everything they can to minimise noise but sadly, you can't predict how noisy your toddler might be and it can't be helped sometimes. If your neighbours were as bad as you say, that isn't how most parents are. Most likely the OP's new neighbour won't be anywhere near as bad as what you are describing.

sukie - it's ignorant because no matter how much you may want a toddler to do something they sometimes won't!! I can use every trick in my book, but dd will still cry/make a lot of noise and refuse to be quiet. It is ludicrous that you class this as inconsiderate noise and it shows you clearly have no idea what you are talking about. You post as though you think the parents are never doing anything to stop it, when the fact is that all toddlers can be noisy no matter how hard the parent tries to stop them.

Also the little dig about getting a career sorted before having a family was sneery and unpleasant. I took every precaution to prevent myself from having a child before I was in a more settled financial situation, but sometimes contraception fails. Many women find themselves unexpectedly pregnant, should they all be forced to have abortions so they don't run the risk of upsetting an intolerant arsehole neighbour if they end up in a flat?

Oh I remember sukie. I don't need to say anything more as she is pregnant so will eventually learn all this for herself.

it's so quiet and peaceful" so she is aware of the status quo on the road quiet and peaceful but also how walls of houses are thin and please tell you if you disturb her.

then its a two way street and your paving the way to say to her, in nice way, about any noise she can help that may come through, my saying about your noise your difusing any possibility of you attacker her as your laying onus on yourself too.

OP, you're not BU. i dread the day my ndn sell and move on. they are quiet and respectful.

Flanjab... I said they shouldn't choose flats with poor soundproofing, not flats altogether. I've lived in other flats with toddlers next door and hardly heard anything- I just got unlucky with the last place. Many flats have thick walls with proper insulation, sound-absorbing carpets etc.

I didn't say people shouldn't have children until they can afford a house- I said they either need to be very respectful and do their utmost to minimise noise (if they live in a flat), or wait until they can afford a house (if they believe in letting kids run wild and make a racket all day/night.) Parenting styles need to be adapted to the environment you choose to raise the child in.

I appreciate most people are respectful and considerate and do try to limit noise. But it's also evident some people think there is no need to teach children to be quiet in a flat. Or that it's impossible! They would sooner blame their neighbour for being disturbed, than take responsibility for their own child!

OP mentioned her walls are 'paper-thin'. I don't understand why anyone would choose a flat with paper-thin walls if they have a noisy toddler! It's obviously going to cause problems and disturb neighbours.

Cake is good - instructions that she needs to be "quiet and peaceful" like the other neighbors, is not.

Live and let live. Don't make assumptions.

YANBU to feel anxious if you've had bad neighbours before, but as others have said, you really need to give this woman a chance.

There's bound to be a bit more noise when she's moving in and probably she'll have more visitors coming to see her new place. As for the toddler, they just make noise and there's not an awful lot you can do about it. Her sleep may be more disturbed than normal because of the new environment.

I think you should try and alter your mindset a bit and try to be a bit more positive towards your new neighbour. You'll end up making yourself miserable if you're constantly on high alert for noise.

Defo suki. We live in a semi and I remind our 4 year old that they can not shout from one room to another (they need to come to the room Im in and ask me), they can't stomp and thump around andthey should speak at a normal level.

I also dont like the telly blaring so tv is limited or Dh uses wireless headphones if its after 10.30 or 11pm.

We also dont use vacuum early or late and washing machine/tumble dryer which is quieter stops after 10.30pm. We dont feel hemmed in by my self imposed rules - we just like a peaceful house and I dont want tit for tat from neighbours.

If we were detached, the only thing different would be music a bit louder and tumble dryer later until 11pm when we go to bed. I dont want my dcs screaming/ having a tantrum even if we are detached.

or maybe im OTT?

OP if I were you I'd go round asap with that cake and a welcome card, get to know her, be super-nice. And then casually mention what time you and your daughter sleep, get up etc. I get why you're worried about toddler's bedroom backing onto your DD's bedroom so tell neighbour you'll get your DD to be really quiet in her bedroom. Then ask what toddler's bedtime is. If toddler cries in night she should take her into another room so it doesn't wake your DD. Also say you'll give her a heads-up if you're having friends round late or a party and stress you'll try very hard to keep noise down. That will encourage her to do same. And do mention the smoking thing, but 'assume' it was her friend not her, so she doesn't feel accused or embarassed.
I hope it works out for you and she is a nice considerate person. Don't be too quick to judge she might be lovely!
Sukie I'm sorry you had nightmare neighbours but it's impossible to keep toddlers totally quiet indoors I've raised 2, sometimes they do scream at night and it's not parents fault. I agree a flat is not really suitable to raise a toddler but maybe she didn't have a choice, she might be DSS.

at or wait until they can afford a house I'm 42 and still waiting.

Parenting styles need to be adapted to the environment you choose to raise the child in. If it's true that you don't have children and you're pregnant, I am doing an evil laugh right now. It's like when people say pre children "children must learn not to be fussy eaters"

I reckon defo bring round the cake, but ask her to eat it quietly

Oh what a lovely thread. I always remember the day my charming neighbour popped round for a rant asking us not to allow our ASD DS to play with his cars in front of the fire place as the noise carried into their living room. And could we not allow him to get dressed for school in our bedroom because it woke them up. I was so delighted to be subjected to his stunning levels of unreasonableness that I put on some Jimmi Hendrix full volume, turned the speakers against the party wall and went out for the day.

Best thing is a couple of years later they had a child.

Children make noise. Get over it.

all i can sugesst is dont get into any war with neighbours its a nightmare

We have two Dcs though, so it can be noisy for an hour at bedtime!

As someone who has had more than my fair share of noisy neighbours, YABU. At one point 2 years ago we had groups of young (in their 20's) lads living on both sides. if they weren't playing loud music at 3am they were having noisy sex or fighting and throwing each other against the adjoing walls.

If a single mother with a toddler had moved in I would have been ecstatic! The smoking is neither here nor there, people smoke it's annoying, but at least she's not smoking pot as lots of my neighbours like to.

Give her a chance!

I'm absolutely amazed that in less than a month Sukie has managed to give notice on her flat, find a detached house, complete all the necessary paperwork, checks and transactions and move in, alone and pregnant because her 'partner' lives elsewhere....

She must be magic or full of it. I'm guessing the latter.

I have never ever wished a screaming non sleeper on anyone, but by God I hope you get one Sukie - you might actually learn something TRUE about parenting, rather than the glib assertions of how to parent you have obtained from books.

Chimchimini, I don't think your neighbours sound unreasonable about the fireplace thing. You sound absolutely awful, playing heavy metal against their party-wall all day (while you were out) in retaliation. What a spiteful, childish thing to do!! I hope you were joking!!

In our old place our neighbours on one side complained about noise a couple of times, I felt hurt but tried to see it from their pov they both had to get up early for work and wanted a lie-in at weekends fair enough. We stopped DD playing near the party-wall before 10am at weekends and if she got up early she had to play very quietly.
Fluffy you're not OTT, I agree with you there's no need for kids to shout room to room or stomp around. Ours have 'indoor rules' that we started teaching very young. They don't run indoors or slam doors or jump off furniture. Shouting and screaming is strictly for park, playground, beach. Like you we don't have TV on loud at night. I thought most people taught their kids these things!

This is a reverse, right?

She is entitled to live normally in her home that includes a toddler, people visiting and to smoke outside her front door so Yabu - but you know you are hypersensitive - you will just have to see how it goes but try and remember normal household noise is allowed and you have to accept some noise with a party wall.
I doubt that with a toddler she will be having blaring parties - occasional parties are allowed that turn down as it gets later.

Coola... I am still paying rent on the flat until contract ends next month, but I'd rather lose money on 2 rents than live in a place where I can't sleep or have any quality of life! As I said on other thread, it was always our plan to get a house before the baby is born, we just got forced into it by dreadful neighbours a lot sooner than planned!
The house was ready when we viewed it so we got the keys 2 weeks later. Why do you think it takes months? Whenever I've moved they always complete checks and rental paperwork within 10days max.

That thread was the motivation I needed to get out of that flat. I'm grateful to all the people who admitted they couldn't/wouldn't try to control the noise their kids make... it opened my eyes to how selfish and inconsiderate a large proportion of people are! Many thought it unreasonable that I wanted to sleep and relax in my own home. Moving asap seemed the only solution and a detached house the only reliable way to avoid a repeat experience!

My god you are in for a shock when you have your child sukie. I actually feel a bit sorry for you.

It doesn't seem to matter that everyone has repeatedly told you that toddlers cannot be controlled 24/7, you know best eh? Good luck, please do let us know how it goes.

When we have ad awful neighbours we tend to dread new ones. I did. I was very nervous but thankfully they're great. Three kids bit of expected noise but no drugs, DV, negated babies, no flats tires do I endure! Bliss.

You'll be fine. Its a natural reaction. Give them a chance to settle in.