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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be a bit ragey about people's off list gifts

252 replies

DuchessofCuntbridge · 02/03/2015 11:44

Many, many weddings to go to this year. Many gripes have I about these events, but I am trying to be good and less complainy about all the faff, money and time I am expected to dish out.

But this one... I want to know how ridiculous I am being.

All wedding invitations this year came with gift lists. Fine. I have logged onto the lists, selected an appropriately priced and looking gift for each and bought it. None of these gifts have been particulartly exciting, but Bs and Gs have selected them from such naice shops as John Lewis and so I have bought them as requested.

But this weekend I went to collect DH from a friend's where they had been watching the rugby. I was informed by that friend (very very smugly) that they had gone "off list" for their gifts of a couple of these weddings, having had AMAZING ideas. He wouldn't tell us what they are getting (even though we have already bought gifts so hardly likely to copy ffs) and just got smugger about how Bs and Gs were going to LOVE their gifts.

I didn't even know that you could go "off list"?!

I am a bit miffed really... (i) I didn't realise its such a competition, (ii) I didn't know that I could have gone and bought something better (IMO) than what was on the list as I thought you HAD to buy from the list and (iii) I feel like it takes away from everyone else's gifts for some people to just trample on the list and start buying other things which they want to wow the Bs and Gs.

I know I know, I am ridiculous. But I felt very cats bum face about the smugness!!!

OP posts:
ThinkIveBeenHacked · 02/03/2015 11:46

Isnt a list just suggestion?

Original poster
DuchessofCuntbridge · 02/03/2015 11:47

Is it? I thought you were meant to buy from the list? FFS no one tells me ANYTHING! Ergh

OP posts:
NeedABumChange · 02/03/2015 11:48

The list is a wish list. You certainly don't have to buy anything from it.

YouMeddlingKids · 02/03/2015 11:51

They might be wrong to be smug... personally when I got married (was pretty young and poor at the time) I was so grateful for everything people bought us that we'd requested, and didn't like or use any of the off-list gifts Sad. Its obviously up to people to buy what they want to, but why not buy something that the B&G have specifically said they'd like?

Original poster
DuchessofCuntbridge · 02/03/2015 11:51

If its only a suggestion, why would anyone get so excitable about telling people they are "going off list"?

The friends in question have been to a million weddings recently (they're devout Christian and we're mid-20s - think about it) so they must know everything there is to know about weddings, and yet I had to listen to the smug-central news about this "off list" gift.

OP posts:
TranmereRover · 02/03/2015 11:51

the list is what they want so that they don't have to stash those "amazing" off list ideas that they never wanted in the first place. They're probably things like personalised cheeseboards with their names and wedding date carved in the side, from Not on the High Street. Stuff that nobody in their right mind wants, whereas a bundle of plain white bathsheets will last them a lifetime.

SoupDragon · 02/03/2015 11:52

I was grateful for every wedding gift we received but without exception, the Off List ones were consigned to the back of a cupboard as they were not to our taste at all.

Jackie0 · 02/03/2015 11:52

Your dh's friend sounds like a bit of a dick.
Yes the list is just a suggestion, its optional to buy a gift at all and its certainly optional what you decide to give them.

QueQuesto · 02/03/2015 11:53

I wouldn't worry about it, stick to the list and you know the happy couple get something they want and need. They might privately not be so thrilled with Smuggy McBraggy's off list gift. I wouldn't go off list unless I knew the couple and their tastes really really well.

TheOriginalWinkly · 02/03/2015 11:55

I love a gift list. Way way easier than trying to get something unique and actually useful. Friends of DHs went madly off list at our wedding and bought us something large, expensive, useless (to us) and (imo) tacky as fuck.

PurpleSwift · 02/03/2015 11:57

A wish list is just that. A wish list. You can buy whatever you like

springalong · 02/03/2015 11:59

Same here - most of the off list ones were perhaps used once or twice politely and then not used again. It was the friends that we didn't see so much and who didn't know our taste who went off list. Many items were lovely and must have cost a bit - so I am sure their decision wasn't financially driven.

pineapplecrush · 02/03/2015 12:01

Ooh, I thought the same as you OP, a wedding list is what the b/g really want, own ideas are not really welcomed? I strayed off it once a few years ago and was told nicely the gift I had bought was lovely but they had "nowhere to display it". Most weddings I've been to, guests I know have stuck to the gift list. Of course it's not compulsory but if a list is there most guests I know seem to go along with it.

farewellfigure · 02/03/2015 12:01

You can go 'off list' if you like, but personally I'd prefer to receive something I wanted or needed, rather than something off list. Neither you nor your friend ABU but I really wouldn't let it worry you.

PTAblues · 02/03/2015 12:06

They probably got a job lot of bibles personally signed by John the Baptist off ebay and that's why they are going 'off-list'. No wonder they're smug.

vvviola · 02/03/2015 12:09

I've had a mixed experience with "off list" gifts.

Some really beautiful things from people who really seemed to get our taste and get used regularly (including one particular gift from someone who I had a very complicated relationship with, that I was very touched by).

Some things that just weren't to our taste and got pushed to the back of the cupboard.

One particular gift from a relative which I'm sure was a punishment (she bugged my mother for months about picking something from a particular shop for us, that had nothing we would ever use - when DM gently explained that, she bought a truly hideous lidded bowl, that even her daughters - unprompted by me - said was completely out of character for what she usually buys)

And then there was the very close family member who went into the shop where we had our list and rather than buying the wine glasses on our list (which matched stuff we already had) went and bought totally different wine glasses that couldn't be exchanged. I never figured out the reason for that one.

LittleprincessinGOLDrocks · 02/03/2015 12:13

I would stick to the list to be sure my money wasn't wasted unless I knew for an absolute fact they would love the off list item.
My friend went off list at a mutual friends wedding and got it spot on. She got them dinner for 2 at the restaurant they got engaged at, with champagne. They were able to book the night to suit them and said it was lovely to come home from honeymoon to.
But you have to really know the couple, I can see it backfiring and being a waste of money for your friend.

TranquilityofSolitude · 02/03/2015 12:18

Some of my parents' friends buy the same present for every wedding couple. It's a crystal trifle dish in a particular design. Personally I love it and use it frequently, especially at Christmas. The friends are brilliant cooks and I think of them every time I use the dish. So in our case it was a great present but I can imagine it wouldn't go down so well with everyone.

emotionsecho · 02/03/2015 12:18

Married a long time ago, had a small list for those who wanted ideas it was just a paper list not registered at a shop and had generic rather than specific items on it.

We received a range of on and off list items and cash. We even received gifts from people not invited to the wedding. All were gratefully received and none were awful, most gifts were of the practical/useful variety and have all been used over the years.

One couple who did attend the wedding bought us two Le Creuset casserole dishes they were definitely not a list item but are still in use today.

However, I think weddings and lists are far more prescriptive now and are a bit of a minefield so I would stick rigidly to the list.

limitedperiodonly · 02/03/2015 12:20

I hate people who do this.

We were bought this contraption by DH's smug-arse friends who clearly felt I had dreadful taste.

It was too big to fit in the cupboards so got in the way on the worktops, I never used it and it needed constant polishing.

Both they and it are out of our lives.

60sname · 02/03/2015 12:20

I was grateful for every wedding gift we received but without exception, the Off List ones were consigned to the back of a cupboard as they were not to our taste at all.

^
This. Or less-to-our taste duplicates of things on the list, which naturally other people had already bought for us.

CaurnieBred · 02/03/2015 12:20

Agree with others that I would never go off list as, without a doubt, the non list stuff we got was consigned to the loft with a "Thanks very much" but WTF, as none of it was stuff we wd ever use.

What was useful from unpacking my list was to realise that I wd never pay for the gift wrapping service again as all the stuff came wrapped in packaging and then wrapped again in the wrapping paper. So much waste and faff involved in the unwrapping.

emummy · 02/03/2015 12:20

Would stick to the list if it was me. When we got married most of dh' family went off list with a "nobody tells us what to buy" attitude. So we got garden chairs, when we lived in a flat, a lovely pastel pink painting of a shepherd and sheep dog, 2 slow cookers and some truly hideous tea sets. Joy!

Mrscog · 02/03/2015 12:22

What everyone else has said, we got quite a few off list gifts. Only 1 has had any use, the others are in the loft. Not that I wasn't grateful, they were very kind, but the essential things we needed as we'd never set up a home before which other people probably thought boring such as pillows, towels, mops were much more useful. I have high levels of guilt about the crystal glasses in the loft which probably cost £££ but will never be used and I'd rather they had just not bought anything!

And just to halt any 'grabby' comments - there were some people who didn't buy presents, that was also fine and there was no judgement on my part.

ToffeeCaramel · 02/03/2015 12:22

I'd lay money on the couple preferring stuff from the list to this man's AMAZING ideas. You could try being smug back and say that you'd had lots of AMAZING ideas too, but decided to get something they really wanted instead.