to be a bit ragey about people's off list gifts

[DuchessofCuntbridge]

Many, many weddings to go to this year. Many gripes have I about these events, but I am trying to be good and less complainy about all the faff, money and time I am expected to dish out.

But this one... I want to know how ridiculous I am being.

All wedding invitations this year came with gift lists. Fine. I have logged onto the lists, selected an appropriately priced and looking gift for each and bought it. None of these gifts have been particulartly exciting, but Bs and Gs have selected them from such naice shops as John Lewis and so I have bought them as requested.

But this weekend I went to collect DH from a friend's where they had been watching the rugby. I was informed by that friend (very very smugly) that they had gone "off list" for their gifts of a couple of these weddings, having had AMAZING ideas. He wouldn't tell us what they are getting (even though we have already bought gifts so hardly likely to copy ffs) and just got smugger about how Bs and Gs were going to LOVE their gifts.

I didn't even know that you could go "off list"?!

I am a bit miffed really... (i) I didn't realise its such a competition, (ii) I didn't know that I could have gone and bought something better (IMO) than what was on the list as I thought you HAD to buy from the list and (iii) I feel like it takes away from everyone else's gifts for some people to just trample on the list and start buying other things which they want to wow the Bs and Gs.

I know I know, I am ridiculous. But I felt very cats bum face about the smugness!!!

Same as most people.
Obviously we were polite and grateful that people had given us any gift at all - we really didn't bat an eyelid about those who didn't. However the gifts we got that weren't on our list, oddly enough, weren't there because we had no use for them or even didn't like them (ornamental plates to hang on the wall anyone???).
As long as the list contains things everyone can afford, then it seems very ego-centred to presume that you know what the B&G might want, more than the B&G themselves.

I was talking to someone recently whose friends had insisted on treating them to a lovely meal out, as their wedding present (couple have been together 20 odd years and have 4 dc so weren't really doing a list, to be fair). They took them to a Michelin starred restaurant and spent just under £100 per head on this meal. Bride was horrified, when she thinks of the budgeting they have to do each day, and the list of things that £200ish could have got them. She didn't enjoy it one bit - it was all about the giver, not the recipients.

Family bibles perhaps?

Of course you don't HAVE to buy from the list. Much less hassle though. If there's nothing left within my budget I just buy a voucher from the same company.

TreadSoftly - I actually thought this might be what the smug couple are thinking of buying at least one couple! Both couples are very devout Christian and so I did wonder about family bibles. But sure they should be bought by family members?

B&G will very much appreciate your gifts, and yes the smugness is v annoying.

We had a couple of amazing off-list gifts including an original watercolour of a place special to my family. Fabulous start to our married home IMO but a high risk strategy as some people would think it old fashioned.

However we were also given lots of off-list glasses and lasagne dishes, which had been 'missing' from our list because we already had plenty. So IMO if you're going off-list, avoid the practical. If we'd needed glasses, they'd have been on our list.

We got a couple of lovely 'off-list' gifts, but the others were either truly hideous (paisley patterned flower pot) or clearly regifts. The ones we didn't want got regifted or sent to the charity shop. Obviously the givers were thanked as normal, but I'm not going to store stuff we don't want in our house.

People went 'off list' at our wedding, and tbh, most of them went straight to the charity shop.
Not to mention the hassle of what to do with the things. We were staying at the venue and going straight on our honeymoon, DH's parents live abroad, mine had arrived by train.
So off-list gifts got divvied up among people for safe keeping until we came back, by which time some of the cards have become separated from the gifts, and we had to become experts in 'thank you for your lovely and thoughtful present' generic thank you cards, because we didn't what we were thanking them for…

So bask in the glow of your thoughtfulness and consideration, which the B&G weigh up whether the amazing idea gift is actually worth lugging on holiday with them

I will agree with the others, our off list presents were a mixed bag - some were lovely and showed thought and consideration and that they knew us well.

Some of the others not so much, very little consideration for our taste/style. Mostly from DH family so rarely comment but some are hideous!

In fact one of the givers has also given us a housewarming present which I hate, not my taste and really ugly, with the words of 'I know we bought you x, (they had asked what we wanted and given them a suggestion for something nice but useful) but I wanted you to have something of my taste as well' I am praying for an earth tremor as its breakable!

I wanted you to have something of my taste as well' means: 'Because your taste is crap.'

If there's nothing on the list that you can afford, give nothing.

You don't have to buy from the list, in the same way that you don't have to buy them a present. It's all optional. We didn't have a list or ask for anything as we were living abroad in a tiny flat and had nowhere to put anything! Most people gave money or vouchers which were much appreciated. Some people gave gifts they'd chosen, also much appreciated. Some things weren't wholly to our taste but still lovely to have. We own more crystal wine glasses than John Lewis himself I think .

I usually end up leaving it so late to buy gifts that the into thing left on the list is vouchers or a stereo system for £500! They get vouchers

Ps I'm not actually sure what you're raging about!

What kind of an ego-maniac even says "I wanted you to have something of my taste as well"?! How you didn't scream "IT'S NOT ALL ABOUT YOU" I don't know.

Gift giving should be about doing something nice for the recipient so if you can't give some thing thoughtful just don't bother.

I wouldn't even be a little bit grateful to be given a horrible gift. I'd pretend to the giver but not so much they might give me another gift.

The exception to the rule is grabby gift lists where the cheapest item is £££. Then it's fine to give vouchers, nothing (unless you're enjoying their hospitality at their expense) or a token gift.

If it's a particularly gauche list then buying a "fuck you" gift is also fine if you have the nerve.

MovingOnUp: I agree. I think it is extremely rude to put only expensive items on the gift list. DH and I made sure that there were items from around £5 on our list. However, few, if anybody, bought us any of the lower priced items. As a result of that I now make a point of buying a number of the lower priced items that add up to the overall amount that I wish to spend.

If stuff is on the list, it is there for a reason. The B&G would like it. I just find lists very practical. I would much rather spend my money on something I know that they want rather than wasting it on something that will get recycled or shoved in a cupboard. (Most) People expect to buy gifts when they are invited to a wedding, so for goodness sake, make it easy for them.

One problem I have had in the past is with lists that are too big - okay, that ight be the pots, pans and crockery that the bride and groom want, but if there is so much, and is so expensive - they 'll never get the full set anyway.

I went to a wedding right after I stopped being a student - rather (okay, very very) long Debenhams list of which I could afford 1 thing - the milk pan of the pan set. 2 weeks before the wedding, most of the pans were still available to buy on the list....

I still think my uni friend has a lovely milk pan with nothing else from the set

I didn't mind having to buy extra stuff as a bride. I didn't get especially angry at people going off-piste - except for that juicer I linked to - but I'd rather they didn't.

When I married, and it wasn't that long ago, I had virtually nothing. The most I had was pretty bottom drawer stuff from my very traditional mother. Neither did DH.

We didn't live together before marriage so we used things, but they weren't ours to take away.

Without wedding presents we'd have started married life with a set of beautiful plates decorated with fish and a narrow metal serving tray decorated with fish in relief from my mum and some very practical Pyrex-type dishes that DH had that we use almost 25 years later.

He also brought to the pot some towels and two sets of bed linen.

My list from John Lewis was full of practical things in a range of prices.

A set of Tefal saucepans and frying pans that I'm still using, Christy towels in deep green that I'm also still using the last of, lots and lots of mid-priced wine glasses - smashed - some iron trivets and pot stands in white enamel that I'm also still using.

We compiled the list because we needed or wanted it. It wasn't outrageous in terms of price and I'm sad when people say that they don't want to buy a plate because it's not much. So what? Buy it. It's not your responsibility to buy the rest.

I'd rather you did that than spent £60 on something that I can't use or don't want because you just want to to make a statement about your taste and mine.

If you attend a wedding you should provide a present. Twenty-five years later I still judge the couple who attended my fully-free food and drink wedding with a couple of re-gifted M&S hand towels in pink. Not my specified colour.

The decent thing would have been to have supped up the lavish hospitality and given my mother a present after the event. Flowers and a card would have done.

But they supped it all up and acknowleged nothing.

Some people are just greedy cunts but just pretend that the rest of us are grabby.

We put plenty of low cost items on our list as we wanted guests not to feel forced to spend. One guest bought the lot if them, which rather defeated the object.

I tend to buy vouchers so that people can make up the sets that they really care about. I think John Lewis let you return some if your gifts, so you can switch stuff to complete a set.

People going off-list is very annoying! I guarantee the couple will appreciate your gift much more than the piece of random junk that friend has misguidedly selected for them!!

My beauty therapist (minge waxer) got married a while ago.

I asked her what she'd got.

She said: 'Money.'

Of course. She's Greek Cypriot.

I always think of her when I read pious things on MN about never giving money.

If anyone tried to do a passive aggressive thing about trying to give a crappy present I think Andrea would cut them off at the knees.

Yabvu. Wedding lists of suggestions. Just be grateful you get anything

He may have 'an amazing idea' in his eyes, that doesn't mean it will be in the B&Gs so he shouldn't be so smug. They should appreciate it no matter what and a gift list is a very good suggestion but one persons taste isn't necessarily another.

SIL and DBRo ended up with a parachute jump which was said to be a fantastic experience by the giver. DBro had a panic mid way and SIL has vertigo, not the most fantastic gift.

I also hate it when people who are spending a fair amount make it up out of cheaper presents. Some of DH's (City) friends did this, and I was mortified for the more straitened guests like wot I used to be!

DuchessofCuntbridge, I really hope the smug friends aren't relentlessly harassing the wedding couples with how amaaaazing the presents are, and hoooow grateful the couple will be. There's no need to stress friends in that way, especially when they're planning a wedding!

My widowed mother hosted my wedding. She expected to pay for everything everything but DH and I and his own widowed mother contributed because that seemed fair.

The widowhood doesn't really matter. In my culture you host a wedding generously and expect generous presents.

A few guests didn't give good presents to us or any presents at all despite eating and drinking at no expense.

Appalling.

We judged them.

Go off-list at your peril... Our wedding gift wish-list didn't have a toaster on it. Because we already had one.

We got given THREE toasters, by people who presumably thought they'd had an original idea.

Off list is usually something from not on the high street like a personalised chopping board or similar. Meh.

Cash is always gratefully received but I usually stick to the list if there is one. We had a list and it really set up our home with all we needed and wanted.