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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be a bit ragey about people's off list gifts

252 replies

DuchessofCuntbridge · 02/03/2015 11:44

Many, many weddings to go to this year. Many gripes have I about these events, but I am trying to be good and less complainy about all the faff, money and time I am expected to dish out.

But this one... I want to know how ridiculous I am being.

All wedding invitations this year came with gift lists. Fine. I have logged onto the lists, selected an appropriately priced and looking gift for each and bought it. None of these gifts have been particulartly exciting, but Bs and Gs have selected them from such naice shops as John Lewis and so I have bought them as requested.

But this weekend I went to collect DH from a friend's where they had been watching the rugby. I was informed by that friend (very very smugly) that they had gone "off list" for their gifts of a couple of these weddings, having had AMAZING ideas. He wouldn't tell us what they are getting (even though we have already bought gifts so hardly likely to copy ffs) and just got smugger about how Bs and Gs were going to LOVE their gifts.

I didn't even know that you could go "off list"?!

I am a bit miffed really... (i) I didn't realise its such a competition, (ii) I didn't know that I could have gone and bought something better (IMO) than what was on the list as I thought you HAD to buy from the list and (iii) I feel like it takes away from everyone else's gifts for some people to just trample on the list and start buying other things which they want to wow the Bs and Gs.

I know I know, I am ridiculous. But I felt very cats bum face about the smugness!!!

OP posts:
honeyroar · 03/03/2015 12:31

I'm quite Shock at some of the bridezilla replies on here! I wouldn't want to go to the wedding of someone who is "buy me what I want or don't bother!" My wedding was about me marrying my husband. Who brought what was not important to me.

We didn't have a list, we just asked for gift vouchers for B&Q. We got a 50/50 mix, some people got us vouchers, others got us presents that they had chosen. We got some lovely things, some of which I wouldn't have thought of and love. A few of the things I didn't like so much, but I didn't think of it as someone imposing their "superior taste" on us, more as someone giving us something that they liked and hoped we would.

I very rarely buy off list. I am abroad a lot, so buy abroad and don't like "revealing" what I've paid. My most recent off list wedding present was a voucher for a really good pet/lifestyle photographer that would result in them having a photo session in the location of their choice and a framed photo. They loved it. We've also made gifts, ie hubby has made their horse's shoes into two entwined hearts, which I then varnished and decorated with tiny mini roses in their colour scheme and a hanging ribbon. They looked gorgeous and they said they loved them.

limitedperiodonly · 03/03/2015 12:41

The attitude of most couples was that they would rather a guest bought one teaspooon from the cutlery they had chosen than something that they either had to return or couldn't use!

That was my thought veryagedparent. We didn't put down a dinner service in the end for a number of reasons - we didn't have enough guests, for one, about 50 people and most of those were in couples and seven of them were children and excused present duty Wink

But my other thought was that I guessed that people wouldn't want to buy just one or two dinner plates in case they looked mean. Even though some of the services I liked best had dinner plates that were at least £20 so it wouldn't be mean.

It did me a favour in the long run because I'd have either been too scared to use it or DH would have smashed it all by now. I have a cheap dinner set that's due for replacing with another IKEA one when one more plate hits the kitchen floor..

MIL bought from the list and also went off piste and gave us a very expensive canteen of cutlery. Now that does get used every day - I never use the cheap knives and forks I bought before because these are so nice. Even clumsy DH couldn't break those.

Another person went off-list but I didn't mind that, even though the present wasn't to my taste. She bought six Villeroy & Boch cut crystal wine goblets.

I think she might have lucked in on a sale Wink. But it was a thoughtful present seeing as she and we are big wine drinkers. They're beautiful but my taste is plainer.

DH had them in his office for whenever special clients came. They were always very impressed by their weight and beauty.

Sadly, they became casualties to his washing up long ago.

limitedperiodonly · 03/03/2015 12:52

they were appalled our list because the stuff was so practical and cited the bin.

We had a bin and lots of other practical stuff like kitchen utensils MrsMarigold. People avoided them in favour of glasses - luckily there was a lot of choice on the list Grin.

Some people said they didn't want to buy a spatula or a saucepan because they didn't seem like presents Confused.

I'm glad they bought all the glasses because I could host a fantastic dinner party. It's just I had to go out and buy the pans to cook the dinner in because we had very little.

I'm not ungrateful to my guests - except the couple who bought that fucking juicer. But it's interesting that people like to buy the special things on the list rather than the mundane.

Well, at least some of them do Wink

AllMimsyWereTheBorogoves · 03/03/2015 12:52

My most recent off list wedding present was a voucher for a really good pet/lifestyle photographer that would result in them having a photo session in the location of their choice and a framed photo. They loved it. We've also made gifts, ie hubby has made their horse's shoes into two entwined hearts, which I then varnished and decorated with tiny mini roses in their colour scheme and a hanging ribbon. They looked gorgeous and they said they loved them.

Very niche presents. Of course they said they loved them. I wonder what they really thought.

Original poster
DuchessofCuntbridge · 03/03/2015 12:54

PurdeyBirdie - was there really any need to be such a bitch there?

No. There wasn't. So thanks for your comments. Your opinion is noted. But as so many other people have at least been civil in their responses that may disagree, it would have been nicer if you'd done the same.

OP posts:
limitedperiodonly · 03/03/2015 12:58

hubby has made their horse's shoes into two entwined hearts, which I then varnished and decorated with tiny mini roses in their colour scheme and a hanging ribbon. They looked gorgeous and they said they loved them.

I'd say that too.

I'd be lying.

Of course, you're probably spoofing the thread. Ha ha. Please say you're spoofing...

Alibabsandthe40Musketeers · 03/03/2015 13:03

limited, so glad you posted that before I did Grin

We've all done it 'oh wow it's lovely' while secretly thinking 'WTAF is that?'.

honeyroar · 03/03/2015 13:03

You probably don't have a horse though, do you! Her sister has nicked the idea and started selling similar to other friends with horses, so they can't be that bad!

SuperFlyHigh · 03/03/2015 13:10

off list for my DB and SIL were antique kilims (carpets!) and pottery etc from various antique dealer/carpet dealer-restorer friends - stuff they knew, had seen before etc. SIL works in arts/antiques world anyway so appreciates that.

They had their list too. I bunged them £150 so at least it could go towards something nice I had no idea really!

SuperFlyHigh · 03/03/2015 13:12

when I did off list (didn't even know there was one) for close friend in USA (I was her BM, I'm English) i picked a gorgeous decorative plate I thought they'd like etc.... in reality their tastes are far different. I've never seen it when I visit so expect it's been consigned to somewhere else. I don't mind it's not like i knew their taste that well.

YesIDidMeanToBeSoRudeActually · 03/03/2015 13:25

I would think that pretty much everyone on this thread, when they buy a gift (none specified i.e. givers's own choice) for someone, would do it with the best of intentions? I mean, put some thought into it, think the recipient would like it? Don't we all genuinely do that when we select a present for someone?

But yet, when someone on MN receives a gift from someone, the giver is trying to impose their superior taste, or they've lucked in on a sale, or they're being arrogant and/or smug?!

It's eye opening how many people actually seem to dislike, either their own wedding guests, or the folk whose wedding they themselves attended.

Momagain1 · 03/03/2015 13:25

If its only a suggestion, why would anyone get so excitable about telling people they are "going off list"?

Be cause he and maybe his wife are smug gits.

a gift list is a suggestion. Of course you can go off list. A gift is defined by the giving, not the requesting. Many of us, being practical, like to stick with the list and feel reassured we have fiven something that is wanted and needed. Something that won't gather dust or end up donated to charity. Something that can be returned if they have too many, and exchanged for another wanted and appreciated item. (Yes, that part of the system can be abused, but ignore that just now.)

Others, because of their connection to the recipient may well be able to conceive of a gift that the recipient would never think (or have the nerve) to ask for. A gift so perfect they dont even know they want it. Such gift givers take the chance of being completely wrong, of course. Of giving the gift that stays in the closet unless they are visiting. The gift that gets 'broken' during a move. Even a gift that is so very wrong it is ofensive and shakes or breaks the friendship.

This guys smugness over each and every one of these off-list gifts tells me he is either really good at gift choosing (some people are) or he is a smug git, and more than one of these will have missed the mark entirely. Time will tell.

Trills · 03/03/2015 13:34

Somehow I feel that people who boast about buying something "unique" are the people least likely to take the recipients' tastes into account.

emotionsecho · 03/03/2015 13:34

I think an earlier poster had it right with the controlling comment regarding present buying. There is more than a whiff of superiority from some posters, a touch of 'I am bestowing my gift giving on you, you will like it and appreciate it because I say so and you are not worthy enough to have your own taste or requirements.' All about the giver not the receiver.

Jackiebrambles · 03/03/2015 13:43

God who can be arsed with going 'off list'?

And your DH's friend who was bragging about it clearly needs to get out more. I can't remember the last time I actually discussed what gift I was buying a couple with another guest. Why would you?? It's between you and the couple surely!

I love wedding lists. I can get a nice gift that the B&G clearly want and all with a few mouse clicks. Perfect.

bigbluestars · 03/03/2015 14:16

Getting a wedding gift at all should be a bonus- not an expectation.

Fauxlivia · 03/03/2015 14:59

Laurie if it's any consolation, I would have liked the engraved cheese board.

I would also have liked the juicer!

I think it's probably safer to stick to the list, except where the b&g have only put expensive items on it, in which case they deserve to get an ashtray!

limitedperiodonly · 03/03/2015 15:40

Fauxlivia what a shame I didn't know you then. You could have had that juicer with my compliments. I'd have made you pay P+P though.

I'm entitled and grabby like that Wink

Jackieharris · 03/03/2015 15:46

If someone went off list for me I'd probably think they were a stingy re-gifter and wouldn't send them a thank you card!

All the hassle of creating a list and some people are so up themselves they think they know you better than you know yourself, I'd be p*ed off. Especially if I'd paid a princely sum for their food/drink etc and ended up with some junk item I'd have the hassle of carting to a charity shop 6 months later.

limitedperiodonly · 03/03/2015 15:53

When I was a little girl and compiling my provisional wedding list from The General Trading Co Wink, my other dream was to get to carry one of those enormous plastic silver-coloured horseshoes.

I don't remember fantasising as much about my future husband.

I also dreamed of getting a U R 18 giftshop number plate and a giant key for my 21st but my family were sadly too tasteful for that.

On my wedding day my SIL gave me a giant horseshoe and my niece, who'd inherited the tackiness gene from her mum's side of the family, gave me a sinister-looking chimney sweep dangling by the neck on a silken cord.

I gamely carried them for most of the pictures. But I'm afraid I gave them to my mum for safe-keeping for lots of others.

SIL still stuck to The List, though.

CactusAnnie · 03/03/2015 15:56

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

CloserToFiftyThanTwenty · 03/03/2015 15:59

Smuggery about buying presents is completely unreasonable in any circumstance

crocodiledundeelady · 03/03/2015 15:59

Honeyroar - I completely agree. I find so many of these comments very sad indeed. I think that gratitude is the only appropriate response to a wedding gift.

crocodiledundeelady · 03/03/2015 16:00

Cardamomginger - wrt you friend, surely she would have had the holiday anyway and not come to your wedding if a ticket had not been bought for her? I don't think you can demand that people have to sacrifice holidays to attend a wedding.

bigbluestars · 03/03/2015 16:03

cactusannie- completely agree- weddings are a pile of crap. I can't stand them.