to be a bit ragey about people's off list gifts

[DuchessofCuntbridge]

Many, many weddings to go to this year. Many gripes have I about these events, but I am trying to be good and less complainy about all the faff, money and time I am expected to dish out.

But this one... I want to know how ridiculous I am being.

All wedding invitations this year came with gift lists. Fine. I have logged onto the lists, selected an appropriately priced and looking gift for each and bought it. None of these gifts have been particulartly exciting, but Bs and Gs have selected them from such naice shops as John Lewis and so I have bought them as requested.

But this weekend I went to collect DH from a friend's where they had been watching the rugby. I was informed by that friend (very very smugly) that they had gone "off list" for their gifts of a couple of these weddings, having had AMAZING ideas. He wouldn't tell us what they are getting (even though we have already bought gifts so hardly likely to copy ffs) and just got smugger about how Bs and Gs were going to LOVE their gifts.

I didn't even know that you could go "off list"?!

I am a bit miffed really... (i) I didn't realise its such a competition, (ii) I didn't know that I could have gone and bought something better (IMO) than what was on the list as I thought you HAD to buy from the list and (iii) I feel like it takes away from everyone else's gifts for some people to just trample on the list and start buying other things which they want to wow the Bs and Gs.

I know I know, I am ridiculous. But I felt very cats bum face about the smugness!!!

YesIDidMeanToBeSoRudeActually No, I'm not on a wind up. You and your husband may also be from an Irish Catholic background but you are not the authority, and neither am I.

But my experience and tradition is that my parents and their friends would never dream of hosting a wedding party for their daughter where they didn't pay for everything.

But they would expect the guests to reciprocate their hospitality in terms of presents to the bride.

We think that is polite.

And this: How exactly do you expect your honoured guests to know this, do you send instructions out with the invitation?

I don't. I expect people with manners to know or to err on the side of caution.

Do you often turn up to parties without a generous present? Because I'd find it weird not to.

That was a difficulty for me because I tried and failed to explain to my mother that many modern guests couldn't or wouldn't understand that they were expected to be equally generous with presents when faced with a wonderful party and they'd rip her off.

Maybe they're ignorant or maybe they're just tight. Or both.

She was puzzled when we went to John Lewis together to do a raid on their kitchenware department after my honeymoon. She couldn't understand why people hadn't bought me those saucepans that were on the list when she'd been so generous.

I didn't dare tell her about the tight bastards who'd re-gifted two pink M&S hand towels while enjoying a £40 a head lunch.

It wasn't for her protection btw, it was for theirs because she'd have extracted it in blood.

I would add that most of our wedding guests were lovely because they were true friends.

But some of them weren't