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AIBU?

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Original poster

to be a bit ragey about people's off list gifts

252 replies

DuchessofCuntbridge · 02/03/2015 11:44

Many, many weddings to go to this year. Many gripes have I about these events, but I am trying to be good and less complainy about all the faff, money and time I am expected to dish out.

But this one... I want to know how ridiculous I am being.

All wedding invitations this year came with gift lists. Fine. I have logged onto the lists, selected an appropriately priced and looking gift for each and bought it. None of these gifts have been particulartly exciting, but Bs and Gs have selected them from such naice shops as John Lewis and so I have bought them as requested.

But this weekend I went to collect DH from a friend's where they had been watching the rugby. I was informed by that friend (very very smugly) that they had gone "off list" for their gifts of a couple of these weddings, having had AMAZING ideas. He wouldn't tell us what they are getting (even though we have already bought gifts so hardly likely to copy ffs) and just got smugger about how Bs and Gs were going to LOVE their gifts.

I didn't even know that you could go "off list"?!

I am a bit miffed really... (i) I didn't realise its such a competition, (ii) I didn't know that I could have gone and bought something better (IMO) than what was on the list as I thought you HAD to buy from the list and (iii) I feel like it takes away from everyone else's gifts for some people to just trample on the list and start buying other things which they want to wow the Bs and Gs.

I know I know, I am ridiculous. But I felt very cats bum face about the smugness!!!

OP posts:
flimmyflam · 02/03/2015 20:29

Surely wedding lists have only been the norm in the last 10-20 years? I never had one, back in the Stone Age. But I can definitely understand why people might not want to spend money on a John Lewis mixer that beautifully matches the rest of the items on the list -- there's no sense of the giver's personality. I remember who gave every wedding gift I received (ok, mainly because I kept a list!) and it's so nice to look back on them and think of the giver. This includes the weird ugly vase (of which I've grown quite fond), and ornamental plates (which we actually use as extra plates to eat off). Honestly, I do understand that it must be tempting to have a wedding list (I'd love to list off loads of stuff I want) but it's completely unreasonable to EXPECT to get it and IMO not nice to begrudge givers who want to give something that they've picked out themselves. Gifts aren't only about the person receiving them after all - they're about the relationship between the giver and receiver.

limitedperiodonly · 02/03/2015 20:37

I cannot imagine a wedding where the hosts do not pay for everything.

But the idea that guests can turn up without a generous present...

Er what?

deste · 02/03/2015 21:14

DD got married a couple of weeks ago and I can now say that lanterns are the new toaster because they got 7.

Everyotherusernameistaken · 02/03/2015 21:19

Hmmm
When we got married we were told
"You have to have a list because people will buy you stuff anyway, and you may as well get something you need/want"

So I would say you should buy off the list.

Pilgit · 02/03/2015 22:04

I wish people had stuck to our list! we made sure there was a wide range of prices and was stuff we really wanted.

BarbarianMum · 02/03/2015 22:35

We loved all the gifts we received for our wedding, on and off list both. So either our friends all have excellent taste or we are easily pleased. The limited ed print that then cost us £££ to frame did seem like a bit of a mixed blessing at the time but its been on the wall ever since. Smile

Personally I love gift lists do I know I'm buying something wanted.

ACSlater · 02/03/2015 23:01

I always go off list. I cannot stand people begging for cash either!

I'm an evening guest at a wedding this week. I shan't take a gift as it would be basically me paying for entry!

maddening · 02/03/2015 23:11

unless it's something deeply personal - eg I gave my dsis antique earings which were v pretty and her something old (I gave them a wad of cash too and dbil cufflinks) as I wanted to give something special to my dsis - but if it were a friend ti whom I was not as close (so no where near bff territory) then off the list is easier all round.

BackforGood · 02/03/2015 23:23

Not really Flimmy - All the weddings I went to in the 70s and 80s had them, and they weren't new then.
The fact they may be electronic now and linked to a list held at a certain shop may be newer (obv. as we didn't have the internet when I and most of my peers married) but the idea of a list itself isn't new.
Indeed, it was possibly more popular back then, as people getting married were statistically more likely to be setting up their first home togehter than couples getting married are today.

Alibabsandthe40Musketeers · 02/03/2015 23:30

This reminds me of my SIL. She and DB started dating after DH and I got engaged, but before the wedding.

One weekend at my parents house, the subject of the presents came up, and now-SIL pipes up 'oh I don't want to buy you something off the list, I want to find you something really fabulous that you really want'.
There was a brief pause, and I replied 'we really want the dinner service we've chosen'. She went quiet.

Fast forward a few years to their wedding, huge fuss about 'her' gift list (yes her's, not theirs!!!) and how she hoped people wouldn't go off doing their own thing Grin

MoonlightandMusic · 02/03/2015 23:37

If you know them very well then fine to go 'off-list' if not, then they've provided ideas of what they'd like or need so it's a bit strnge , so stick with something on that.

Ours had items ranging from £2.00 to £800 - so some more 'wish-listy' than others, but all things we needed &/or really loved, but wouldn't have altogether counted as a necessity.

MoonlightandMusic · 02/03/2015 23:39

Oops - meant to add, bit strange of DH's friends to be smug about going 'off-list' particularly when they can't know that whatever it is will be needed/enjoyed by the recipients.

shoofly · 02/03/2015 23:43

We had a small Debenham list and a small list at a shop in the town which I'm from, where a lot of our guests live. Some of the off list presents were eventually charity shopped. The worst bit was constantly being told that the lists had v little left on them and having to add to them. I already felt that even having a list was grabby and was mortified by that. The cards that Debenham gave us to put into invitations were put in the bin as we left the shop.

sashh · 03/03/2015 06:08

I know I know, I am ridiculous. But I felt very cats bum face about the smugness!!!

Now friend A invited me to her wedding. Friend A has a touch of OCD, if you move an ornament 1mm she will notice and demand it is put back (I have not spent evenings with me and her husband moving things just a little bit every time she wasn't looking, no not me, honest).

Friend A had (and still has) a beautifully tastefully decorated house, no 'tat' in sight.

Friend B was ever so excited because she had got 'piggins', not the small ones that can be hidden in a child's bedroom, no the big ones, the ones 30cm tall.

If you love piggins please don't be offended, there is nothing wrong with them, unless you have a home like friend A's, where they, well they are just not her taste.

If you don't know what a piggin is, pleas imagine a living room from a glossy magazine, all pale walls and white couch, then follow this link
www.amazon.co.uk/Piggin-14301-Hammy-Horror/dp/B0027WYVJ0/ref=sr_1_26?s=kids&ie=UTF8&qid=1425362746&sr=1-26&keywords=piggin

OP

People have lists for a reason, and the person's amazing gift may just be something the couple think 'wtf'.

MeeWhoo · 03/03/2015 06:39

Caurnie, as two PPS have said already, if you go for the cheap items and buy a bunch of them, aren't you leaving the people who are strapped for cash nothing to choose from?

SoupDragon · 03/03/2015 07:04

Gosh, ACSlater, do you have any manners?

WhoKnowsWhereTheTimeGoes · 03/03/2015 07:13

We had a few "off list" presents, one or two were lovely and are used (crystal vase and glass photo frame), one or two were lovely and never get used (crystal wine glasses as we got another set ftom the list), champagne flutes (like a pp there's a reason they weren't on the list, we don't drink the stuff), and a few that went straight to the charity shop (huge wicker basket - our house is tiny, gigantic red lasagne dish - we had blue ones on our list and don't have red in the kitchen at all). I'm just very grateful there was nothing with Mr and Mrs emblazoned on it.

Hathall · 03/03/2015 07:20

I can't believe that there are people who go to weddings and refuse to buy a gift as it's like paying for entry.
What an awful attitude.

MrsHathaway · 03/03/2015 07:33

Ah yes. My dear granny saw the wedding list and bought all the china. Yes, but no.

Our off-list gifts included some kitchen utensils (useful), a picnic blanket (useful) and pewter champagne flutes (...).

As pps, I think gifts are usual but not compulsory, lists are useful but not compulsory, and personalised gifts are risky. You should go off-list only if (a) you aren't spending much or (b) you know the couple well and exchange gifts often.

cardamomginger · 03/03/2015 08:27

The most thoughtful present dh and I got was also the worst. We got married abroad and a now ex, but then close, friend couldn't afford to come. A group of other friends chipped in and paid for her flight, so our present was having her at our wedding. Lovely! Except that after the wedding she flew all over the country visiting other places and booked herself 4 nights in a hotel somewhere else. We were all WTAF?!?!? It wasn't that she couldn't afford to come, she just couldn't afford to come and have the holiday she wanted.

We had a list. She wasn't on it Grin.

bigbluestars · 03/03/2015 08:41

I would never buy from a list.

Even worse respond to a request for money.

Bride and groom get what I choose to give them.

IrenetheQuaint · 03/03/2015 08:45

"My beauty therapist (minge waxer) got married a while ago. I asked her what she'd got. She said: 'Money.' Of course. She's Greek Cypriot."

I went to a Greek Cypriot wedding a while ago. There was a money dance during which the bride twirled slowly as everyone pinned £50 notes to her frock.

I was tempted to post about it here just to see the reaction. Actually though it was much less hassle than scrolling through the gift list agonising between the roasting dish and the decanter.

flimmyflam · 03/03/2015 08:51

It wasn't that she couldn't afford to come, she just couldn't afford to come and have the holiday she wanted.

Not sure what the problem is supposed to be with that!

WhoKnowsWhereTheTimeGoes · 03/03/2015 08:53

Requests for cash are my favourite type of gift list.

SoupDragon · 03/03/2015 08:56

Bride and groom get what I choose to give them.

I'm glad you enjoy wasting your money.