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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be a bit ragey about people's off list gifts

252 replies

DuchessofCuntbridge · 02/03/2015 11:44

Many, many weddings to go to this year. Many gripes have I about these events, but I am trying to be good and less complainy about all the faff, money and time I am expected to dish out.

But this one... I want to know how ridiculous I am being.

All wedding invitations this year came with gift lists. Fine. I have logged onto the lists, selected an appropriately priced and looking gift for each and bought it. None of these gifts have been particulartly exciting, but Bs and Gs have selected them from such naice shops as John Lewis and so I have bought them as requested.

But this weekend I went to collect DH from a friend's where they had been watching the rugby. I was informed by that friend (very very smugly) that they had gone "off list" for their gifts of a couple of these weddings, having had AMAZING ideas. He wouldn't tell us what they are getting (even though we have already bought gifts so hardly likely to copy ffs) and just got smugger about how Bs and Gs were going to LOVE their gifts.

I didn't even know that you could go "off list"?!

I am a bit miffed really... (i) I didn't realise its such a competition, (ii) I didn't know that I could have gone and bought something better (IMO) than what was on the list as I thought you HAD to buy from the list and (iii) I feel like it takes away from everyone else's gifts for some people to just trample on the list and start buying other things which they want to wow the Bs and Gs.

I know I know, I am ridiculous. But I felt very cats bum face about the smugness!!!

OP posts:
LaurieFairyCake · 02/03/2015 12:25

I would stick to the list as I can't bear waste so the idea of buying someone something that they don't use even if I was 95% sure I was right I wouldn't do it.

I would have thought a cheeseboard with their name and wedding date carved on it was a fabulous gift Blush as I make them.

This is why I stick to the list.

SoupDragon · 02/03/2015 12:26

When I buy a gift, I plan to spend £X. I would rather spend that money on something I know the B&G will love and I know they will love it as it is on their list. I also have no problem with giving them that £X in cash to do whatever they want to do with it.

MovingOnUpMovingOnOut · 02/03/2015 12:32

I think it's a bit arrogant to assume you know better than other people do about what they would like.

Therefore yabu to be bothered op. Your "friend" is clearly a massive twat showing off about fuck all/being an arrogant twit.

fredfredgeorgejnr · 02/03/2015 12:34

Buying off list is extremely rude and selfish thing to do. It's completely "fine" and many people do it because they like being extravagant and wasting money buying things which are unwanted. If you're still of a mindset where pissing money up the wall is a way of showing off then you do it.

Don't join their game, pity them, the recipients will be annoyed.

Hathall · 02/03/2015 12:37

I only went off list once.

The bride is one of my closest friends and I was abroad and saw something that I knew she would love.
So unless you know them really well and you know they'd live the item, what's the point?

marshmallowpies · 02/03/2015 12:39

My parents had crystal wine glasses as a wedding present that stayed in the cupboard and were considered far too precious to use - and they didn't even have ordinary everyday wine glasses, they drank wine out of little tumblers for years until they finally bought some regular wine glasses.

But when my sibling and I grew up and could be trusted with 'good' china and glasses, my parents finally started to use the crystal glasses - it's nice to see them getting used at last!

We had a few off list presents, I remember saying to DH 'I don't need any more cases for goodness sakes!' And then we got given a really lovely vase I use all the time and am really fond of. The other off list things were not so much what we would have chosen, but nothing quite bad enough to go in the loft.

marshmallowpies · 02/03/2015 12:40

Cases = vases!

5Foot5 · 02/03/2015 12:40

Just smile and nod. They might think the gift is amazing and unique and that the B & G will love it, but the reality is that it might be something they would never want in the first place and will be stuck at the back of a cupboard. Or worse, become a family joke. Friends of ours were given a truly hideous, personalised lamp by an aunt of theirs, despite the bride's mother trying to gently dissuade her and say she didn't really think it was "their sort of thing". It was so bad it was funny and the B & G would drag it out for all their friends to have a good laugh for months afterwards.

Cheby · 02/03/2015 12:46

The couple will most likely prefer the list items. They choose them because they like and need them. Anything else is a gamble.

We were given a couple of 'maverick' gifts. One was brilliant, a cast iron casserole dish that I have used on a weekly basis since (from an ex housemate who knows our style of cooking well) and one was...less so. A decorative glass plate that wasn't at all to our taste and seemingly has no function other than to take up space on a coffee table. We have a toddler. The friend who bought it said they chose it with our living room in mind. Living room was red and cream at the time, plate was pink and blue.

Anyway, very grateful for the fact that people had thought about us and chosen something, but realistically it will stay in a cupboard for the rest of its life, at least in part for its own safety.

crocodiledundeelady · 02/03/2015 12:49

I'm honestly a bit shocked by these comments. If someone buys you a gift that they've thought about then surely that is just a lovely gesture - to suggest that it is selfish, arrogant, rude or smug is really horrifying to me - so bitter. On list or off list people but wedding gifts to show goodwill to the new couple. That's all! Of course it's not a competition, but nor does being excited about having bought a great off list present doesn't turn it into that.

ElsaLitcha · 02/03/2015 12:53

I agree crocodile. So much nastiness around weddings! Be grateful someone has got you a gift at all rather than moaning.

fredfredgeorgejnr · 02/03/2015 12:57

crocodiledundeelady it's because you say it's a "lovely gesture" without acknowledging the selfish side of gift giving. It is selfish to say "I have better knowledge of what you'd like than you do, so I'm going to ignore your wishes."

The same amount of goodwill is generated by something you know they want, so the lovely gesture aspect makes no distinction between the gifts, the problem is the selfishness of "knowing better".

I don't want to be grateful that someone wasted money, I'd rather something useful happened with it.

QuintessentiallyInShade · 02/03/2015 13:00

"If its only a suggestion, why would anyone get so excitable about telling people they are "going off list"? "

Because they are trying to preempt people thinking they could not afford anything on the list.

YesIDidMeanToBeSoRudeActually · 02/03/2015 13:07

I didn't have a gift list, I had a small wedding but still received lots of gifts, strangely, which we weren't expecting!

I can't think of anything we received that I didn't like or couldn't at least use. We got a lot of towels Smile which were a bit overwhelming at the time! but many DC later, have all been used.

Does everyone have a gift list now?

EveBoswell · 02/03/2015 13:09

Why haven't any of you thought that the giver might have a budget and, when looking at the wedding list at specific shops, would find nothing within that budget? Hence the purchase of something not on the list. A bit of thought though would stop anyone from buying spring bulbs like tulips for someone who lives in a flat.

We put Prestige pots and pans on our list (separately, not as a set). We received one Prestige steamer basket and another that was not. We've used the not-on-the-list basket for the last 20 years and the Prestige one not at all. The not-on-the-list basket fits absolutely everything.

TwoAndTwoEqualsChaos · 02/03/2015 13:14

I use an off-list tiered steamer all the time: the silver-plated wedding certificate holder not so much.

Original poster
DuchessofCuntbridge · 02/03/2015 13:20

Thanks all - I now see that it is acceptable to go off list in principle, as the gift list is just a suggestion, but I am glad I haven't because I don't really want to impose my taste on everyone else!

OP posts:
vvviola · 02/03/2015 13:22

EveBoswell - one of the off-list gifts I recieved that I didn't mention in my other post was a pair of socks (well 3 pairs, one for me, one for DH and one for DD1). They were in the colours of the country where DH and I had met, and where we had met this particular friend. They were one of my favourite gifts - particularly as I knew how much the friend had scrimped and saved to even be able to make it to the wedding.

In my case at least, the off-list gifts that weren't appreciated (and I was grateful an appreciated the ones that weren't to my taste and ended up at the back of the cupboard) were the ones that seemed to be trying to make a point: I'm so clever/I have better taste than you/I refuse to buy from your list on principle.

emotionsecho · 02/03/2015 13:23

I would hope there would be a range of items and prices on any gift list if there is really nothing on their a guest could afford that is very bad on the part of the Bride and Groom.

cardamomginger · 02/03/2015 13:23

I think their smugness is misplaced. I had a DP once who always insisted on going 'off list'. He eventually stopped after visiting friends who had been married the year before. Their very nice, neutral, low key house clearly did not suit the set of Brazilian masks he had insisted on buying them.

We got married aboard (country where DH's family lives and where we have many friends). We did a list - thought it would be easiest all round for everyone. The number of huge and heavy/breakable gifts we got given in this country (when all guests knew we'd be coming back to London) was unbelievable. Eight years on and there are some we still haven't brought back (and have no intention of doing so, unless we want to give over half our luggage allowance).

Unless you KNOW it's going to go down well, e.g. theatre tokens for avid theatre goers, a niche whisky for a whisky buff, just stick to the list!

Original poster
DuchessofCuntbridge · 02/03/2015 13:24

EveBoswell - good point re budget, and I actually wouldn't have even batted an eyelid if they had said the reason they went off list was because of the budget or because all the reasonably priced stuff had gone. But they did - it was all smugness.

We all know the grooms well for all these weddings, but really none of the brides so well that I think I could pick presents they'd all love.

I am very intrigued about what the presents are though. I know the couple in question aren't exactly loaded, so I assume theyre personalised gifts...?

OP posts:
emotionsecho · 02/03/2015 13:24

And that rogue their should of course be there, thank you predictive text!!

cardamomginger · 02/03/2015 13:25

We also had a friend who got us a set of 12 champagne flutes, because she had looked at our list and seen that we didn't have champagne flutes listed. Well, there was a reason we hadn't listed them.....

5Foot5 · 02/03/2015 13:28

Maybe it is not so dodgy if you go off list for practical gifts, household items. The B&G might not have thought to ask for such a thing and may find it useful when they have it.

But I do think going off list to buy something decorative is a bit risky. It doesn't matter how much thought you have put in to it, if you have misjudged the couple's tastes then it won't be welcome. Just because you think it is great yourself is no guarantee they will. For example, we were given a massive limited edition print of the Red Arrows taking off on a misty morning. No doubt the (single) Uncle who gave us it thought it a very desirable item, but........

stargirl1701 · 02/03/2015 13:30

I think what bugs me are the obviously recycled gifts. We received many gifts 'off list' and some were thoughtful but not to our taste. I appreciated the generosity of the giver and tried to make use of the gift - crystal jug for cream, as an example. But there were some gifts that fell into 'giving because I feel I have to' camp. I hate that. Just buy a nice card with a nice message inside. We charity shopped those!

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