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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be a bit ragey about people's off list gifts

252 replies

DuchessofCuntbridge · 02/03/2015 11:44

Many, many weddings to go to this year. Many gripes have I about these events, but I am trying to be good and less complainy about all the faff, money and time I am expected to dish out.

But this one... I want to know how ridiculous I am being.

All wedding invitations this year came with gift lists. Fine. I have logged onto the lists, selected an appropriately priced and looking gift for each and bought it. None of these gifts have been particulartly exciting, but Bs and Gs have selected them from such naice shops as John Lewis and so I have bought them as requested.

But this weekend I went to collect DH from a friend's where they had been watching the rugby. I was informed by that friend (very very smugly) that they had gone "off list" for their gifts of a couple of these weddings, having had AMAZING ideas. He wouldn't tell us what they are getting (even though we have already bought gifts so hardly likely to copy ffs) and just got smugger about how Bs and Gs were going to LOVE their gifts.

I didn't even know that you could go "off list"?!

I am a bit miffed really... (i) I didn't realise its such a competition, (ii) I didn't know that I could have gone and bought something better (IMO) than what was on the list as I thought you HAD to buy from the list and (iii) I feel like it takes away from everyone else's gifts for some people to just trample on the list and start buying other things which they want to wow the Bs and Gs.

I know I know, I am ridiculous. But I felt very cats bum face about the smugness!!!

OP posts:
SwirlyThingAlert · 03/03/2015 08:58

People are so damn ungrateful. When we got married, I didn't care whether presents were off list or on list. All I cared about was having a nice wedding day with everyone, and presents were a bonus. I appreciated every single one.

RonaldMcDonald · 03/03/2015 08:59

God I find lists tiresome
I buy what I fancy

RonaldMcDonald · 03/03/2015 09:02

sashh

those pigguns just made my eyes bleed

CharityD · 03/03/2015 09:06

I'd do what you have done, and stick with the list. I'd assume that the list is stuff the couple actually want...

Just leave the others to their smugness, about their amazing gift, it would be interesting to know what they bought though! Grin

fatlazymummy · 03/03/2015 09:15

I buy from a list, or give cash or vouchers. I usually do the same for Christmas and birthday presents as well.
I hate having to try and guess what someone else would like.
It's the same for receiving presents. I have been given presents in the past which I just haven't liked, and while I wouldn't dream of not accepting them gratefully I have secretly thought 'what a waste of money'. That's what it comes down to, as far as I'm concerned. Buying something for anyone that isn't really wanted or needed is a waste of both money and resources.

playftseforme · 03/03/2015 09:28

It's not that we weren't touched by the thought and effort that went into the off-list presents at our wedding, but I am made very uncomfortable by gifts that will never be used and are therefore a complete waste of money. I hate anyone wasting their money. We received a couple of truly wonderful off list presents, but there were some horrors too which went to the charity shop when we moved house.

Hathall · 03/03/2015 09:32

Are people who get ragey about gift lists and request for money generally controlling people?
It's a genuine question. Are they thinking they are being told what to do so feel resentful?
They're obviously not thinking about the couple otherwise they'd be happy to give them what they want.

ShadowSpiral · 03/03/2015 09:54

Agree with most pps.

If there's a gift list, then I buy off that where possible (the exception being if all the affordable gifts have gone, and then i'll usually get a gift voucher for the shop the gift list is with).

I may not like the stuff on the gift list, I may think it's boring, but I want to get the bride and groom a present that they want, and if it's on the gift list, then I know that they want it and they'll be happy to receive it. What I fancy and would like to receive isn't necessarily going to be what the bride and groom would like, after all.

Again as pp have said, going off list is risky unless you know the couple's tastes very well indeed. We got a number of off list gifts. Some of them were fantastic. Some of them were wtf? gifts that we had no use or desire for and have never seen the light of day. Not that we told the givers this. We just thanked them for their lovely gift.

Original poster
DuchessofCuntbridge · 03/03/2015 09:55

I think I'll have to do an update re these amazing gifts when the weddings happen. They're all in April, so we'll find out in a few weeks!

OP posts:
SoupDragon · 03/03/2015 09:58

I am always grateful and appreciative of the sentiment and feeling behind any gift. I do no necessarily feel the same about the actual gift though.

EBearhug · 03/03/2015 10:12

I remember my mother saying, as we were preparing to celebrate their 25th or 30th - she had no idea who gave 8 matching plates in their dinner service, or the veg dish or gravy boat - but the off-list gifts, they're the ones she remembered who gave them. The handmade glass paperweight, the engraved glass jug, those she could remember who gave them, and remembered them fondly.

emotionsecho · 03/03/2015 11:02

Yes Duchess you will most definitely have to updateGrin, our collective imaginations are running riot.

PurdeyBirdie · 03/03/2015 11:07

It's not your DH's pal's fault you did not have the originality of thought to buy something unique. Why the resentment of those who did?

VeryAgedParent · 03/03/2015 11:17

I used to work in a department store in the china/glass?cutlery dept. B& G would register a list with us usually (as they had lived together for a while/already had a home) for special crystal glassware , nice cutlery, a good dinner service.
We would get "guests" in who would ask to see what was on the list then say "Well I don't like that china pattern etc so I'm not buying it". They would then wander off and buy something that wasn't on the list that would invariably (if they had bought it from that store) come back for a refund! Why?????
The attitude of most couples was that they would rather a guest bought one teaspooon from the cutlery they had chosen than something that they either had to return or couldn't use!

SoupDragon · 03/03/2015 11:28

you did not have the originality of thought to buy something unique

I'm sure she has the originality. What she doesn't have is the sheer arrogance and misplaced smug superiority of assuming she knows better than the B&G what will fit in with their personal taste.

MrsMarigold · 03/03/2015 11:37

I remember when we got married we put a bin on the list and no-one bought it - it was probably the thing we wanted most and someone who went off list with something truly dreadful (it went straight to the charity shop which was a pity seeing it was new and cost over £100) said to us they were appalled our list because the stuff was so practical and cited the bin.

Bluepants · 03/03/2015 11:44

Obviously the gift list contains things the couple want. If there is a gift list included, I always get something off it.

I know everything on it is liked by B&G but I can choose something (from the list!) I like the look of or will see in their home. Everyone wins.

Lists often contain the option to buy vouchers as well so even if people buy up all the cheap stuff, you can still get vouchers if all the remaining stuff is too expensive.

Buying off list is a risk - some people are quite minimalist or particular about their stuff. I just think it's a bit silly really, potentially wasting money or giving stuff that has to go in the back of a cupboard. There are exceptions, you could give champagne which even if they don't want/like, it's pretty easy to pass on.

YesIDidMeanToBeSoRudeActually · 03/03/2015 11:54

When I rule the world, I will ban gift lists for weddings.

OOAOML · 03/03/2015 12:02

Just get what you want - if you want to buy off a list, do so, if you spontaneously think of something else, do so, if you want to turn up with vouchers/bottle of wine/cheque/just a card, do so.

If people have done an actual official list, then it probably has stuff they want. We didn't, we had suggestions (very generic, eg white towels, non stick pans). We did get one "brilliant" idea that one of DH's friends thought up, which was very obviously a present just for him (can't say what it is, because it would out me, but it was a collector's item of something I have very little interest in) so if you're getting something you think both bride and groom will love, do try to make it something you know they will both love.

fatlazymummy · 03/03/2015 12:05

bluepants champagne is probably the most useless pointless present I can think of. Not to mention ,generic.

PurdeyBirdie · 03/03/2015 12:10

Perhaps you are ignorant to the fact that there is something in society called 'autonomy' and unless the invite specifically says: 'Don't be a cunt: buy off this list' then your discomfiture at someone else choosing to do the opposite to you is puerile.

You are clearly irked at having been invited to so many weddings this year that one wonders why you're even attending any of them. What a curmudgeonly guest you are.

OOAOML · 03/03/2015 12:17

Once you have children of school age, bottles can enter the 'tombola economy'. Other than that, depends what the couple like to drink, whether they go out lots etc. Presumably people invited to weddings know at least one of the couple well enough to know what will be well received though?

EBearhug · 03/03/2015 12:23

I don't think you can ever assume that, given the number of threads on hear about, "why did close family member get me that as a present?"

marshmallowpies · 03/03/2015 12:30

MrsMarigold I bought my cousin bins off her wedding list. Nice wicker ones for the bedroom, you understand, not a dustbin, but still bins. A good practical present!

cardamomginger · 03/03/2015 12:30

flimmy - because my friends ended up subsidising her holiday - that's what was wrong with it. She could have afforded the flight and a friend put her up, so she didn't need to pay for accommodation. But she didn't want to just make do with that (which is fine, so then don't come at all). What she wanted was to attend the wedding and then have a nice holiday travelling around and staying in other cities as well. So she allowed my friends to pay for the flight to the country we had the wedding in, and then used her own money to jet all over said country and pay for other hotels in other cities. How is that right?

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