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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friend ditched me, who is unreasonable?

184 replies

WishICouldBeLikeTheCoolKids · 15/02/2015 01:29

I'll try and give as much background as I can, known friend since college so been friends around 7/8ish years.

We are a group of friends and as more friends coupled off it was generally just me and her who went out, usually every other weekend. We lived around a 5 minute drive from each other.

I eventually ended up moving because of work and so I lived more of a 40/50 minute drive away. So we did see each other less because of this.

I then met my partner. My friend and I did completely stop seeing each other at this point. I didn't ask to meet up with her and she never asked to meet up with me.

A couple of months back I thought I should make the effort and sort out an evening to meet up (catch up, food, drink etc) it was about a month in advance. Unfortunately I did end up working that day and when it came to going out I just felt too tired, so I text her to cancel and apologise.

She's been very cold with me since then. I organised a baby shower for a mutual friend and I text everyone to invite them, but turns out she didn't get the text. I thought I definitely sent it but I always clear out my inbox every few days and she had no reason to lie, but if I did forget to send it to her it would have been a genuine mistake.

There wasn't too much harm done because she did learn about the baby shower through a mutual friend and when I realised the mistake I sent the text again to her and she did attend.

She was again very cold with me and to be honest has been for a while whenever I see her (at a mutual friends birthday or meal etc) and so I took the courage and text her to say to see if I had done anything wrong and if she wanted to talk.

She replied that she felt very much that she was used as someone to go out with when I was single and that our friendship couldn't have meant that much to me. That she doesn't want drama but she feels we've both moved on and doesn't feel like we could ever have the same friendship.

I'm a little lost for words. I suppose because neither of us text the other to meet up, she wasn't asking me and I kept saying no.

Sorry this was much longer than I anticipated.

OP posts:
MrsTawdry · 15/02/2015 01:34

You dumped her when you met your partner and now you're "lost for words"?

Sn00p4d · 15/02/2015 01:35

Honestly I kind of see her side of it. You moved. You got a partner. You cancelled on her. Can see why she felt left behind.

You've done nothing wrong and I don't think either of you Abu, just your lives have taken different turns and you've both moved on and that's ok. She's not been rude in how she worded it, friends grow apart, it happens but I appreciate its not nice Flowers

UncleT · 15/02/2015 01:35

Well you did stop seeing her, per your own admission. Cancelling on her, while understandable for the reasons you give, doesn't look good after so long. Not sure if she made any effort to arrange anything or communicate though, which is pretty vital to know.

Gruntfuttock · 15/02/2015 01:37

I can see her point of view tbh.

VanitasVanitatum · 15/02/2015 01:37

YWBU. Sounds like her suggestion is very reasonable, this friendship is in the past now.

NickiFury · 15/02/2015 01:38

She's right, YABU.

GaryTheTankEngine · 15/02/2015 01:39

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
WishICouldBeLikeTheCoolKids · 15/02/2015 01:50

you moved house and saw less of her, the got a new partner and dropped her completely

Not disagreeing or saying INBU!! We just saw less of each other because I moved away which is naturally going to happen. You are always going to see the people that live closer to you more.

And she also never text me to meet up. Two way thing surely?

OP posts:
mommy2ash · 15/02/2015 01:54

can you really not read back your post and see her point of view? at one point it started reading like a reverse to me.

GaryTheTankEngine · 15/02/2015 01:54

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

squoosh · 15/02/2015 01:54

I see her point of view. You ditched her.

nocoolnamesleft · 15/02/2015 01:57

You dumped her. Is this a reverse?

WhyHasTheGinGone · 15/02/2015 02:12

Wow...

You moved, made no effort to see her, ditched her for your partner, excluded her (however unintentionally) from
Important group gatherings and are saying you're shocked?

YABThouroughlyU

There may have been no malice on your part but thoughtlessness in friends is just as damaging.

Original poster
WishICouldBeLikeTheCoolKids · 15/02/2015 02:16

can you really not read back your post and see her point of view? at one point it started reading like a reverse to me.

Me cancelling on her was definitely poor form.

And the text thing .... I'd hope she would understand that if she didn't get it then it would have just been a simple mistake. I'm genuinely not mean enough to purposely not invite someone.

I suppose also because we only meet up as a group now I don't want there to be an uncomfortable atmosphere, not fair on everyone else.

OP posts:
Gruntfuttock · 15/02/2015 02:16

"when it came to going out I just felt too tired, so I text her to cancel and apologise."

How much notice did you give her that you were cancelling?

scarletforya · 15/02/2015 02:17

You cancelled on the day you were supposed to meet?

Because you didn't feel like it?

That alone is rude. Yabu.

Gruntfuttock · 15/02/2015 02:18

OP reread your first post and imagine yourself in the position of your (now ex) friend.

fizzycolagurlie · 15/02/2015 02:26

Your canceling her last minute because you were tired was like saying "oh I can't be bothered"

and after not having met up for ages and having planned it so far in advance, it was probably a big slap in her face and if she is at all lonely, she will have felt a great deal worse.

you're a fair-weather friend, the very definition of it. just move on now.

Preciousbane · 15/02/2015 02:37

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TaliZorahVasNormandy · 15/02/2015 02:40

The friendship is over now, time to move on.

YABU.

Original poster
WishICouldBeLikeTheCoolKids · 15/02/2015 02:53

How much notice did you give her that you were cancelling?

It was a Saturday night we were meeting up.

A mutual friend had organised a take away night on the Friday night. So I saw her then, she mentioned the plan and I said I'm not sure if I can go because I have to be up early for work so I might be too tired.

She said fine, but text her to let her know.

So I text her around 3/4 (I think) to say that I definitely couldn't make it.

OP posts:
fizzycolagurlie · 15/02/2015 02:56

A couple of months back I thought I should make the effort and sort out an evening to meet up (catch up, food, drink etc) it was about a month in advance. Unfortunately I did end up working that day and when it came to going out I just felt too tired, so I text her to cancel and apologise.

That doesn't sound like your last response. I think you're trying not to take responsibility for being so crap to her.

MonkeySeeMonkeyDooo · 15/02/2015 03:11

You dumped her for your new bf. You cancelled on her the one time you'd arranged to meet (left it til 3/4, you couldn't have told her earlier?). You forgot to invite her.

Yabu. Can you really not see this from your friends point of view? You are being a rubbish friend.

Original poster
WishICouldBeLikeTheCoolKids · 15/02/2015 03:15

Yabu. Can you really not see this from your friends point of view? You are being a rubbish friend.

I have been a rubbish friend.

I guess I just wish she could have told me and she seems to have just completely written off this friendship without giving me a chance to make things right.

OP posts:
Fuckmath · 15/02/2015 03:19

Yabu, as everyone else has said