Friend ditched me, who is unreasonable?

[WishICouldBeLikeTheCoolKids]

I'll try and give as much background as I can, known friend since college so been friends around 7/8ish years.

We are a group of friends and as more friends coupled off it was generally just me and her who went out, usually every other weekend. We lived around a 5 minute drive from each other.

I eventually ended up moving because of work and so I lived more of a 40/50 minute drive away. So we did see each other less because of this.

I then met my partner. My friend and I did completely stop seeing each other at this point. I didn't ask to meet up with her and she never asked to meet up with me.

A couple of months back I thought I should make the effort and sort out an evening to meet up (catch up, food, drink etc) it was about a month in advance. Unfortunately I did end up working that day and when it came to going out I just felt too tired, so I text her to cancel and apologise.

She's been very cold with me since then. I organised a baby shower for a mutual friend and I text everyone to invite them, but turns out she didn't get the text. I thought I definitely sent it but I always clear out my inbox every few days and she had no reason to lie, but if I did forget to send it to her it would have been a genuine mistake.

There wasn't too much harm done because she did learn about the baby shower through a mutual friend and when I realised the mistake I sent the text again to her and she did attend.

She was again very cold with me and to be honest has been for a while whenever I see her (at a mutual friends birthday or meal etc) and so I took the courage and text her to say to see if I had done anything wrong and if she wanted to talk.

She replied that she felt very much that she was used as someone to go out with when I was single and that our friendship couldn't have meant that much to me. That she doesn't want drama but she feels we've both moved on and doesn't feel like we could ever have the same friendship.

I'm a little lost for words. I suppose because neither of us text the other to meet up, she wasn't asking me and I kept saying no.

Sorry this was much longer than I anticipated.

It's not a bloody reverse! And if thats the only thing you can add to the thread then whats the point?

I'm lost for words because I see friendship as a two way thing. She didn't ask to meet up and I didn't. It should not be only down to me to arrange this.

Yes it was bad form to cancel I won't deny that and it was unfortunate about the invite. But there hasn't been multiple times where we have arranged to meet up and I cancelled.

Yes reading your posts I can see how she would feel.

I'm just getting tired of the childish "reverse" comments. So what is the point of continuing this thread and answering questions?

People are thinking it has got to be a reverse as they can't believe anyone could possibly be unable to see "Who is unreasonable" As a PP said "If its not a reverse then I am stunned at your lack of insight!"

No, you dumped her.
Accept that and move on. The more you try and justify it the worse you look.

You didn't intend to hurt her but at least have the good grace and maturity to accept it rather than weaselling out

I think the onus was more on you to suggest meeting up after you got a boyfriend, since that is usually the start of people dumping their former, single friends, and especially with you moving away as well - you have the new, exciting life, and it probably seemed to her like she was behind left behind, so without any signals that you still wanted to see her (or indeed, maybe subconscious signals on your part when you were still seeing her occasionally that you didn't particularly enjoy it or see her as top priority), she might well have stopped asking to meet up. It can feel desperate when you know you are in the low priority category, like you're always begging for someone else to make time in their lives for you, and it's easy to want to wait to see if they care enough any longer to get hold of you.

And then you've treated her shoddily since, because you do seem to regard her as a less important friend than other things in your life. Which might be how it is - but don't be surprised that she reacts like this. Either it's a wakeup call when you honestly realise she is quite important to you and you haven't been treating her in a way that respects that, and you change how you deal with her, or you decide that yes, it's time to pull away and accept that you don't honestly care about her as much as your other friends/partner etc., but then make sure that arrangements reflect that - don't make commitments, be polite at mutual events but don't expect warmth, etc.

I agree with Gruntfuttock [great name, btw!] I've RTFT and I'm a bit that you would wonder why she is upset with you.

I'd have stopped bothering about contacting you long ago, and probably wouldn't have bothered to tell you why. I'd have thought it was obvious -- you didn't "need" me any more after you'd moved/partnered.

you have the new, exciting life, and it probably seemed to her like she was behind left behind

I was still doing the same job, just moved to a different location/

I'm really not her only friend and I'm sure she doesn't sit at home every single night because of me.

"I'm really not her only friend and I'm sure she doesn't sit at home every single night because of me."

Completely irrelevant. This thread is about the relationship between the two of you.

OP you answered your own question: why didn't she contact first. You've stated that as your other friends coupled they stopped coming out so it was just you and her. When you moved and got a new bf, she probably gave you space to adjust to those two things and waited to see if you'd 'move on' like the other friends who stopped coming out or would still want to. You showed you didn't want to by not texting her, then with everything else on top well coincidence and bad luck it may be but it hammered the point home.

Yes contact should be two way, but when someone has something going on in their life most people give them space to find their feet. When people have the habit of doing something or others around them have it's also normal to wait and see if someone else will.

If she had text you, would you have met up? Also who was the one who did most of the texting before? Was it 5050?

It is quite funny that you are sooo irritated that she has very calmly said 'yeah, don't bother. You were not a great friend'
She's really pissed you off .

You are still seeing things from only your point of view, not hers, and expecting her to know things like that your new life wasn't actually exciting since you were doing the same job, just elsewhere.

but to most people, moving in itself is a big change - and change is exciting. Stressful too, but still more exciting than being in the same place, going to involve some amount of new people, new associations, new places to go, ways of doing things, etc. That is going to seem like a new and more exciting life for a while than just staying exactly the same. It could be that she is imagining it is much more interesting than you actually think it is - but that's what most people would think! And for you to not contact her, will just confirm for her that you have moved onwards and upwards.

She probably doesn't sit at home every night because of you, no. But that doesn't mean you haven't hurt her badly by making it obvious that she is low down on your priorities. You need to accept that - perhaps without realising it up til now - she doesn't actually mean much to you, and decide whether you want to change that or whether you don't in fact care. Otherwise it just sounds like you're finding excuses.

I'm not answering anymore question because of I'm absolutely fed up of the "reverse" comments.

Yes IABU. I can see that.

But this thread is going no where because of the people who feel the need to keep saying "definitely reverse!"

Thank you for the other replies.

Well, as others have said, it reads like a reverse because I cannot believe anyone would be so wilfully ignorant and lacking in self awareness.

If you really are and cannot see how your behaviour has brought about this situation, you a destined for a life where you keep repeating the same mistakes.

Do you want to make up or are you just annoyed that you are seen as the bad guy?

If I were you I'd write a lovely card apologising for being a flake and showing how little you really cared for her, post it and then leave her alone to get on with her true friends.

If she contacts you after that and wants to continue the friendship then you bloody well should bite her hand off and treat her with some respect,

I think the missed text to the baby shower would've been the nail in the coffin. That would hurt the feelings of most people and even if it got explained they might well brood on it (I know I would).
I think like sandbrook, if you want to salvage the friendship you will need to apologise but not in a text. In person or a letter. You might have to do some grovelling, she might not be interested but it sounds like the next step will have to come from you. Some friendships need more maitanence than others, a bit more thought if you like, some people are ok with a cancelled night, others not at all. Decide if you want to keep her as a friend then act on that. Good luck.

Ok it's not a reverse thread.

It's just a selfish person who has been getting on with her own life and ignoring her so called friend, making excuses as to why you have not seen you 'friend' in however long it's been.

And now you have decided you now have time for you friend you expect her just to forget about your behaviour and welcome you back into her life with a smile.

If you want to be friends again then you are going to have to do all the work to make up for you behaviour.

Honestly, don't read too much in to this thread. Some of the comments are actually quite funny, you moved away and drifted away from a friend. I have been that friend and it hurts but I didn't blame anyone for it, it happens, it's life.

You didn't have any extra responsibility to keep in contact because you were the one who moved or got a boyfriend
I would call and try and make amends, but please don't beat yourself up. You're not selfish or half the things you have been called on here.
I can imagine a thread from your friends perspective would have gone equally baldy. The first 3 posts set the scene for the rest of the thread, if the first3 are bad then you're fucked.

Perhaps you're one of those people that thinks/truly believes that your needs and feelings are more important than other peoples, that if you've found something more shiny or someone more interesting then you have a right to drop other people while you pursue it, after all who wouldn't? What's wrong with this mindset is that it lacks loyalty and commitment. So yes you can suit yourself all you like but other people don't have to let you treat them like objects while you do it. There's a woman I know who cancels everyone at the last minute because she's tired or her baby needs a long nap and her friends are one by one giving up on her, why? because we're all tired, we'd all like baby to have a longer nap but we value the friendships to keep putting it first most of the time. You say your friend has lots of friends but do you? Why are you still bothered about this lost friendship? You couldn't care less when you had her but now she's gone you're indignant? Why?

I think your friend has been very dignified and you have an astonishing lack of insight into your own behaviour.

I think I sympathise with your friend in this case. You hadn't seen her for months and then cancelled because you were too tired to go out. And then missed her off another invitation. Not surprised she is cold towards you. She was probably looking forward to the night out and was quite disappointed you cancelled at the last minute.