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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friend ditched me, who is unreasonable?

184 replies

WishICouldBeLikeTheCoolKids · 15/02/2015 01:29

I'll try and give as much background as I can, known friend since college so been friends around 7/8ish years.

We are a group of friends and as more friends coupled off it was generally just me and her who went out, usually every other weekend. We lived around a 5 minute drive from each other.

I eventually ended up moving because of work and so I lived more of a 40/50 minute drive away. So we did see each other less because of this.

I then met my partner. My friend and I did completely stop seeing each other at this point. I didn't ask to meet up with her and she never asked to meet up with me.

A couple of months back I thought I should make the effort and sort out an evening to meet up (catch up, food, drink etc) it was about a month in advance. Unfortunately I did end up working that day and when it came to going out I just felt too tired, so I text her to cancel and apologise.

She's been very cold with me since then. I organised a baby shower for a mutual friend and I text everyone to invite them, but turns out she didn't get the text. I thought I definitely sent it but I always clear out my inbox every few days and she had no reason to lie, but if I did forget to send it to her it would have been a genuine mistake.

There wasn't too much harm done because she did learn about the baby shower through a mutual friend and when I realised the mistake I sent the text again to her and she did attend.

She was again very cold with me and to be honest has been for a while whenever I see her (at a mutual friends birthday or meal etc) and so I took the courage and text her to say to see if I had done anything wrong and if she wanted to talk.

She replied that she felt very much that she was used as someone to go out with when I was single and that our friendship couldn't have meant that much to me. That she doesn't want drama but she feels we've both moved on and doesn't feel like we could ever have the same friendship.

I'm a little lost for words. I suppose because neither of us text the other to meet up, she wasn't asking me and I kept saying no.

Sorry this was much longer than I anticipated.

OP posts:
Icimoi · 15/02/2015 07:47

When you cancelled the meet-up, why didn't you immediately rearrange it?

TheSolitaryWanderer · 15/02/2015 07:49

'I guess I just wish she could have told me and she seems to have just completely written off this friendship without giving me a chance to make things right.'

'she feels we've both moved on and doesn't feel like we could ever have the same friendship'

That's what I do with relationships that don't work, without hostility or brooding on it. Your friendship has failed and she doesn't have to pander to your need to be forgiven. Move on.

youarekiddingme · 15/02/2015 07:52

Circumstances have caused you to drift apart - probably compounded by the fact you cancelled and didn't text (she didn't get text) re baby shower.

If I was you I'd acknowledge your part in this an apologise. Tell her your sorry you upset her and understand why she's upset. Say you'd like to make amends and invite her round for a girly evening. Tell her you'd like to keep a friendship - especially as you'll still meet up as a group.

Do not say - sorry I upset you but....... I didn't mean it, I sent text etc.

ithoughtofitfirst · 15/02/2015 07:56

Yabu.

Clutterbugsmum · 15/02/2015 08:04

Are you still with your partner, because this read as if you are now single and expect your friend to just jump back into the relationship as it was years ago to fill the space.

ihavenonameonhere · 15/02/2015 08:08

Is this a reverse???

TheRealAmandaClarke · 15/02/2015 08:24

Neither of you is being unreasonable really.
You asked her what the problem was. She told you how she felt. I can see why she might feel that way. But i can see why you would feel its not all down to you.
If you want to salvage the relationship you might find it helpful to send a card/ flowers (whatever) with a note telling her that you miss her and would like to meet up. Friends often fall out and can make up. A Brew or Wine and a hug can fix stuff like this if you want it to imo.
Equally friendships often run their course. If you dont want to have a relationship with her then maybe she is right, you've moved on.

lougle · 15/02/2015 09:02

You need to decide how much you want to save this friendship. A big heap of grovelling and being cast iron reliable is the only way it's going to happen.

JenniferGovernment · 15/02/2015 09:02

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LumpenproletariatAndProud · 15/02/2015 09:02

YABU Ive been in your friends position. It really hurts.
Shame on you.

HermioneWeasley · 15/02/2015 09:10

This has got to be a reverse!

daughterofliz · 15/02/2015 09:16

It sounds as if you are both ready to move on. Sometimes you don't get in touch for a while, sometimes she doesn't. I don't think you've done something terrible by having been out of touch, but it's probably a sign that the friendship is not as close as it used to be and there's no point flogging a dead horse. I was about to suggest trying one more time to re-establish contact and then accept it if it didn't work, but it sounds as if she's already made it clear that as far as she's concerned you're past that point. If you pursue her now you'll just come across as clingy and needy, so I would chalk this one down to experience and try to move on.

Nanny0gg · 15/02/2015 09:28

Why do you want to get the friendship back? You've treated her really badly.

Leave her alone, she can do with real friends not friends of 'convenience'

notnaice · 15/02/2015 09:30

Another one suggesting you do some serious grovelling if you want to salvage this friendship.

marthasmith · 15/02/2015 09:47

I can see it from your point of view. Friendships do often fade when one of the friends starts seeing someone. Its just what so often happens. You meet someone, get swept off your feet and you are just consumed with It all, nothing else matters, those early heady days of love really are all consuming.It's really very hard to think of anything else. Eventually this whirlwind settles down and only then do you start to remember that other people live on the planet besides you two. It's how things have always been. It's not right but it's perfectly natural.
Just apologise to your friend and hope she'll understand.

saltnpepa · 15/02/2015 10:03

I admire your friends honesty and assertiveness. The first rule of friendships is don't dump eachother when a boy/man comes along and that's exactly what you did, then followed by dumping her at the last minute on an arrangement and then contacting her only at your convenience. She is right, you have used her and she is right in telling you that. This is a friendship that hasn't been outgrown, it is a friendship that you lost through being a bad friend, I would learn from that if it were me. I think this is a reverse btw.

RunAwayHome · 15/02/2015 10:22

I've had people cancel on me because they're "too tired". (not because of any illness, etc, just normal work/life things). It's usually clear to me where I fall in their priorities, which is nowhere. People can cope with a late night even if they are tired, if it means enough to them. You can go and not drink. You can go and leave early. You can do something, whatever it is, to make the friend still feel valued enough, and like their company ranks lower than going to bed early. It's such a damning thing to say to someone about how interesting and meaningful they are, especially when they know you have chosen to go out other nights and weigh it up about whether they are the one you'll blow off or not. And to mention 'tiredness' the day before and then still not being able to make up your mind until the day, sounds really feeble.

OfficerVanHalen · 15/02/2015 10:37

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

laughingmyarseoff · 15/02/2015 10:50

YABU I think it's too little too late OP. Yes friendship is a two way thing but since you moved and got a man she probably thought 'i'll see if she wants to still meet up or if she'll drop me now she has a man'. You made no effort so she didn't. Added to that all the other things..looks bad, like you intentionally phased her out.

I would apologise her, explain yourself and expect that things will stay as she's said.

Callooh · 15/02/2015 10:53

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Poppet1974 · 15/02/2015 10:54

If its not a reverse then I am stunned at your lack of insight!
YADBU
Have you split up with your boyfriend you so eagerly dumped her for?
It's got to be a reverseHmm

sosix · 15/02/2015 10:56

Sorry but i can see were shes coming from

charlie0123 · 15/02/2015 11:04

Reverse reverse reverse

dottytablecloth · 15/02/2015 11:13

OP you remind me of a flaky friend who text me an hour before she was meant to be at my house for a meal.

I was 37 weeks pregnant and had went shopping especially for her and her fussy toddler, despite not feeling like it at all.

She sent a text saying she wasn't going to come as she was too tired!! Too blooming tired! Rude, rude, rude.

She is now an ex friend.

YABVVVU and an awful 'friend'.

dottytablecloth · 15/02/2015 11:14

And this is definitely a reverse!

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