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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friend ditched me, who is unreasonable?

184 replies

WishICouldBeLikeTheCoolKids · 15/02/2015 01:29

I'll try and give as much background as I can, known friend since college so been friends around 7/8ish years.

We are a group of friends and as more friends coupled off it was generally just me and her who went out, usually every other weekend. We lived around a 5 minute drive from each other.

I eventually ended up moving because of work and so I lived more of a 40/50 minute drive away. So we did see each other less because of this.

I then met my partner. My friend and I did completely stop seeing each other at this point. I didn't ask to meet up with her and she never asked to meet up with me.

A couple of months back I thought I should make the effort and sort out an evening to meet up (catch up, food, drink etc) it was about a month in advance. Unfortunately I did end up working that day and when it came to going out I just felt too tired, so I text her to cancel and apologise.

She's been very cold with me since then. I organised a baby shower for a mutual friend and I text everyone to invite them, but turns out she didn't get the text. I thought I definitely sent it but I always clear out my inbox every few days and she had no reason to lie, but if I did forget to send it to her it would have been a genuine mistake.

There wasn't too much harm done because she did learn about the baby shower through a mutual friend and when I realised the mistake I sent the text again to her and she did attend.

She was again very cold with me and to be honest has been for a while whenever I see her (at a mutual friends birthday or meal etc) and so I took the courage and text her to say to see if I had done anything wrong and if she wanted to talk.

She replied that she felt very much that she was used as someone to go out with when I was single and that our friendship couldn't have meant that much to me. That she doesn't want drama but she feels we've both moved on and doesn't feel like we could ever have the same friendship.

I'm a little lost for words. I suppose because neither of us text the other to meet up, she wasn't asking me and I kept saying no.

Sorry this was much longer than I anticipated.

OP posts:
WilburIsSomePig · 15/02/2015 16:05

You just need to move on from this now really.

You were a crap friend (which you know) and she's not prepared to tolerate it so its it's a done deal really.

ThingummyJigg · 15/02/2015 16:11

ROAR at 'pedantic wank mop'

OP I wonder if there has been something in your behaviour, her life outside the friendship group, or something you don't know about, that has perhaps caused her to feel sidelined? Now as much as you might say there was no need for her to feel as she does because she was accidentally not included on the text to the baby shower and yes you have said you were being unreasonable re the night out, the way she FEELS and the facts from your point of view, are two very different things.

Basically, from her corner, I can see how she might feel dropped or pushed aside. Even though you haven't tried to ditch her. And yes it wouldn't have killed her to call you, friendship is a two way street etc.

Now if anyone wants to throw a hissy fit all over the above for grammar, poor sentence structure, spellyoing or offensive punctuation, and use that as proof of my being incapable of personal relationships, they can suck my texticles.

However if you disagree with me and want to say so using imperfect English, go right ahead. I won't even care if you misplace an apostrophe or say 'would of.'

TheRealAmandaClarke · 15/02/2015 16:11

Are you refusing to engage with regard to what you would like to get out of this? Because im starting to feel embarrassed about joining in now.

Original poster
WishICouldBeLikeTheCoolKids · 15/02/2015 16:14

Basically, from her corner, I can see how she might feel dropped or pushed aside. Even though you haven't tried to ditch her. And yes it wouldn't have killed her to call you, friendship is a two way street etc.

That's true. I think you've summed it up well. I haven't been a good friend, just it was never intentional, just a sad thoughtless mistake on my part. I suppose you can change the past, just learn from it.

OP posts:
Pagwatch · 15/02/2015 16:15

< hangs around feel awkward>

Yes, what are you hoping to achieve op?

Original poster
WishICouldBeLikeTheCoolKids · 15/02/2015 16:16

Because im starting to feel embarrassed about joining in now.

HAHAHAHAAaaaa Grin

And why should anyone give a shit how YOU feel about joining a thread? When so many other people have joined in and don't need to be pandered to.

Off you trot then with your red face.

OP posts:
Pagwatch · 15/02/2015 16:18

Oh come on .
That was just jokey from TheRealAmandaClarke.

I thought it was quite funny. As was 'pedantic wank mop'

5dogsgoswimming · 15/02/2015 16:18

Hate last minute cancellers! I often think about it but don't

fluffyraggies · 15/02/2015 16:20

OK, so we've decided you have been a bit of a shit friend. You have accepted this. So far so good.

What will you do next OP?

Coconutty · 15/02/2015 16:28

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TheRealAmandaClarke · 15/02/2015 16:29

How rude.
Thats a bit uncalled for really. I have been quite supportive in my posts.
But as you insist, I'll be off.

TartinaTiara · 15/02/2015 16:29

Fuck me, but your ex-mate dodged a bullet when you dumped her, didn't she?

APotNoodleandaTommy · 15/02/2015 16:39

Do you want to try to salvage this friendship, OP, is what those you haven't yet sworn at are trying to get to...?

drbonnieblossman · 15/02/2015 16:39

OP you need to jump in your car with a bunch of flowers, and go and see her to apologise. It's the decent thing to do.

Pagwatch · 15/02/2015 16:44

I don't think she does Hmm

She doesn't much like her 'friend'. Her only intent in posting seems to be to reassure herself that she is lovely, not to try and figure out how to save the friendship.
She needs to leave this woman alone. She does't like her much

APotNoodleandaTommy · 15/02/2015 16:52

She seems like a douche to me, Pag

Sadly, I had a friend like this. Someone who can never admit that they've been a bit shit without adding a 'yeahbut...' Onto the end. She doesn't have a whole heap of friends, now...

OP, instead of going on transmit, perhaps go onto receive? If you genuinely do want to salvage the friendship, people will have great advice. Stop kicking off like a petulant child. It's borinf.

APotNoodleandaTommy · 15/02/2015 16:52

Boring, even...

bobbyjoe · 15/02/2015 16:54

I think the friend is being a tad precious. It obviously meant more to her than you. Cancelling last minute was not nice but it's happened to me and it's just something you shrug off. You're part of a group so for the group's sake so no one feels awkward I'd have shrugged it off. As you say, she wasn't contacting you either. If you'd done this to her more than once I'd think you were flaky and she had more of a right to feel pissed off, but once? Hopefully you were suitably contrite and apologetic about the text invite, enough so that she believed you. You could kill her with kindness and phone her and say look x I know I was a bit crap but I really don't want to lose your friendship, can I take you out for a meal to make up?

SuperFlyHigh · 15/02/2015 17:45

bobbyjoe did you not see this night had been organised a month in advance and OP didn't go because she was tired, not sick, not dog died but tired!

I agree with the previous poster re be careful re the new relationship as if it goes tits up OP may wish she'd been nicer to her scorned maybe that's a bit overdramatic! friend.

As I also said i think the friend is on her 'B' list which is all very good but then don't get hissy when said friend feels slighted. Or put it right. A lovely handwritten card and chocs/flowers could put this right but OP obviously thinks she's in the right. Thank god OP isn't getting married! Grin

laughingmyarseoff · 15/02/2015 18:53

Are you going to reply to her OP? Speak to her? You should reply and apologise then tell her how you feel about it all and what you would like, then see what she comes back with. She may have a whole host of other issues with you, she may be in a shit place, she may or may not be willing to bother with you again. She may want to talk to you face to face and things might go down well.

But you only know that if you speak to her. And if you want this friendship, in any way shape or form, then you need to respond. If you ignore then you just confirm to her everything that she's said. If you respond then you can maybe sort something out.

saltnpepa · 15/02/2015 19:16

I don't think OP wants this friendship, I think she is indignant at being dumped. Nobody has said narcissist yet.

stayanotherday · 15/02/2015 19:32

What do you want to do now op? It's your call if you want to sort it or move on. Fair play to you for coming on here. We've all made mistakes with friends to be fair.

Speaking generally, I'm not getting at anybody but I've been the single friend who has been left out. They only bothered when they had problems and I got fed up that they didn't care and only wanted me when it suited. They had a shock when one day I told them straight why I told them I'm not a social worker and can't do this anymore. I've also had people who were really lonely, never went out etc. but every time I invited them out for say next week, they agreed then cancelled on the day repeatedly. I had enough of being messed around and stopped. I have one friend now who is kind and reliable. Better that and to know where I stand.

My life is busier now and I've wised up. I don't bother with people much anymore and don't look for friends. The people concerned have now ended up lonely and wonder why.

stayanotherday · 15/02/2015 19:35

Just to add, they didn't want to bother when I was available but as soon as I stopped playing the game they sent text after text but I stood firm. Sad as they're lonely and I have no patience or goodwill anymore.

grocklebox · 15/02/2015 23:36

Easy to see why I have problems with personal relationships because of my grammar?

Do keep up OP, problems are because a) you are incredibly rude and b) you are obtuse and refuse to accept others opinions, even after you have asked for them.

Just trying to help with the language advice, nothing personal, many many people seem to struggle with the past tense of text.

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