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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friend ditched me, who is unreasonable?

184 replies

WishICouldBeLikeTheCoolKids · 15/02/2015 01:29

I'll try and give as much background as I can, known friend since college so been friends around 7/8ish years.

We are a group of friends and as more friends coupled off it was generally just me and her who went out, usually every other weekend. We lived around a 5 minute drive from each other.

I eventually ended up moving because of work and so I lived more of a 40/50 minute drive away. So we did see each other less because of this.

I then met my partner. My friend and I did completely stop seeing each other at this point. I didn't ask to meet up with her and she never asked to meet up with me.

A couple of months back I thought I should make the effort and sort out an evening to meet up (catch up, food, drink etc) it was about a month in advance. Unfortunately I did end up working that day and when it came to going out I just felt too tired, so I text her to cancel and apologise.

She's been very cold with me since then. I organised a baby shower for a mutual friend and I text everyone to invite them, but turns out she didn't get the text. I thought I definitely sent it but I always clear out my inbox every few days and she had no reason to lie, but if I did forget to send it to her it would have been a genuine mistake.

There wasn't too much harm done because she did learn about the baby shower through a mutual friend and when I realised the mistake I sent the text again to her and she did attend.

She was again very cold with me and to be honest has been for a while whenever I see her (at a mutual friends birthday or meal etc) and so I took the courage and text her to say to see if I had done anything wrong and if she wanted to talk.

She replied that she felt very much that she was used as someone to go out with when I was single and that our friendship couldn't have meant that much to me. That she doesn't want drama but she feels we've both moved on and doesn't feel like we could ever have the same friendship.

I'm a little lost for words. I suppose because neither of us text the other to meet up, she wasn't asking me and I kept saying no.

Sorry this was much longer than I anticipated.

OP posts:
RunAwayHome · 15/02/2015 14:47

Seems to me that you still only think that it was "bad form" that you cancelled on her and forgot her on the invitation text etc. But that isn't the main problem! Yes of course it's bad form, noone would dispute that. But the real problem is that you don't honestly care that much about her. If you prioritise someone, you choose to see them despite being tired, you make sure they aren't left off invitations because they are uppermost in your mind, you are aware when they might be feeling left behind or left out and make an extra effort, etc. And not doing those things suggests she isn't really a priority with you. Fine. No one can make anyone matter to anyone else, and maybe that is how it is. But you have to accept that she is going to realise that - and there have probably been countless other small ways that you have unwittingly given off the same signals. Just saying "ok, bad form to cancel, shouldn't have done it, won't do it again as it is obviously not the done thing", isn't really addressing the problem. You might not cancel again, but your overall disregard for her will still show. You need to honestly accept what these episodes have shown you about your friendship and what it says about how unimportant she is to you, and then decide whether or not to change that. You don't have to. But you can't expect her to want to carry on either.

StripeyCustard · 15/02/2015 14:48

You dumped her when something else better came along. YABVVU. Can't stand people who behave like this.

Original poster
WishICouldBeLikeTheCoolKids · 15/02/2015 15:04

You dumped her when something else better came along.

Surely you can only completely dump someone if they are asking to meet up and you say no every time.

Would you and a friend had both stopped asking to meet up, would you not feel it was both your responsibility?

OP posts:
wiltingfast · 15/02/2015 15:06

Don't know why people are being so hard on you. It all sounds v one sided to me. Did she text? Email? Make any particular effort to keep the friendship going? If we all dumped friends after one disappointment we'd have v few friends. It's not generally one strike you're out is it?

She's sounds hard work OP. If I were you I'd let it lie and just ignore the passive aggressive bs. Be nice when you see her, leave it alone after that.

Binkybix · 15/02/2015 15:09

If it's as you say and neither you or her made the effort to arrange to meet up once you met someone and moved then I agree with you OP - the emphasis is on both of you to keep the friendship going. People I know move often and I'd never think 'oh I'll wait until they get in touch with me' rather than ask them to do something - that seems odd to me.

Yes, the cancelling and the baby shower was bad. If you want to stay friends then you need to sincerely apologise and make the effort in the future.

SuperFlyHigh · 15/02/2015 15:18

You are certainly in the wrong OP and BU.

I've had 2 friends dump me when they've had more serious relationships come along and then use other excuses/nastiness/bitterness towards me to make themselves feel better.

I think this friend here can see she's been shelved for better offers so she's backed out conveniently of the friendship. OK she could've made an effort but do you have any idea of how it feels to make an effort with someone in a relationship when you're single and you just know that this friend isn't really bothered about seeing you?

For what it's worth generally when I have relationships even at the lovey dovey starts of them I make every effort to see/text/email my friends and not blow them off.

TheRealAmandaClarke · 15/02/2015 15:22

Oh I agree its not all the OP's "fault"
But I can see why the friend feels as she does. If you want to keep the friendship then some effort is required. If not, then you have both moved on.

TheChandler · 15/02/2015 15:26

I don't blame her. The final straw was probably your cancelling the night out arranged a month in advance, because you were tired. Most people get tired but still make the effort to see people they care about and to keep pre-made arrangements. You were in effect telling her you don't care about her and she is very low down your list of priorities.

A couple of months back I thought I should make the effort and sort out an evening to meet up

Even the way you write it makes it sound like you were making a huge effort to complete some kind of chore.

SuperFlyHigh · 15/02/2015 15:29

hmmm I've just re-read your OP.

You were out of order to stand her up last minute, also I'm generally in touch with friends via Whatsapp, text, email etc so I'm slightly Confused that re the baby shower she didn't get or you didn't have more communication between both of you then.

Maybe that's what it is, she feels shelved/not happy with communication etc. and as a consequence hurt. You could apologise and try to fix it.

Generally with my friends (close or otherwise) the ones I want to see/keep in touch with I make an effort to if not see them, then email etc… sounds like this hasn't been done here. so see above you could try and fix once and for all or just leave it.

SuperFlyHigh · 15/02/2015 15:31

Actually what TheChandler says - your comment about the meeting up - it does sound like a huge chore, think about it if you were your single friend and you'd seen that comment about you not her? how would you feel? very low down on priorities I bet and not willing to stay friends.

Original poster
WishICouldBeLikeTheCoolKids · 15/02/2015 15:31

A couple of months back I thought I should make the effort and sort out an evening to meet up

Even the way you write it makes it sound like you were making a huge effort to complete some kind of chore.

Not at all.

Since I got with my partner she had not once text me and said "hey, let's meet up for dinner this week?"

I don't think she would have text to meet up, which is why I said I would make the effort and ask her.

OP posts:
TheRealAmandaClarke · 15/02/2015 15:33

You still haven't said what you want.

SuperFlyHigh · 15/02/2015 15:33

OP- she may have tried to be sensitive about you being in a new relationship and wanted to 'give you some space' - I know I do that. She may also feel like she's stepping on toes asking you for dinner when she knows you're in a new relationship.

It does sound more and more like you're in a competition about who should text when and why didn't she etc so from your last post I think you should just let this go…. you're trying to put the onus on her here and make out to us that your friend should feel guilty for not being in touch.

Pagwatch · 15/02/2015 15:37

[boggles]

What on earth do you want?

She didn't ditch you . You almost certainly ditched her.
What are you after. There is no way to spin this so that you are hard done by.
You didn't behave well. Why not just accept that and move on. It's not the end of the world but the endless self justice tin is sounding more and more thick skinned and dim witted.

It wasn't horrendous - just thoughtless really. Let it go.

Original poster
WishICouldBeLikeTheCoolKids · 15/02/2015 15:41

It does sound more and more like you're in a competition about who should text when and why didn't she etc so from your last post I think you should just let this go…. you're trying to put the onus on her here and make out to us that your friend should feel guilty for not being in touch.

Not at all.

But you say I can't make out she's guilty for not being in touch surely that logic applies to me too?

There nothing stopping either of us asking the other to meet up, but neither of us did. Surely that makes our guilt equal?

OP posts:
grocklebox · 15/02/2015 15:42

It doesn't matter how you feel about any of this, don't you get it? She has told you clearly she does not see you as a friend any longer. So what is the point of all the navel gazing?

grocklebox · 15/02/2015 15:42

also, fyi, the past tense of text is texted.

Idefix · 15/02/2015 15:45

Yabu, you may not have realised that you ditched her but you deffo did. From experience when I was in a relationship and my bf wasn't it was v much for me to say situation is normal, lets meet up, as my bf stepped back to allow the relationship space. If you genuinely want to be friends it sounds like you might have to say sorry and try to work out a resolution. However in your subsequent post you sound more bothered about how this will affect you and your other friends.

WishICouldBeLikeTheCoolKids · 15/02/2015 15:47

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Iliveinalighthousewiththeghost · 15/02/2015 15:50

Oh FGS Grockle. A persons grammar mistakes is irrelevant. It's not a bloody literacy exam. That comment you made was to me just something for you to have a pop at, and insensitive. How do you know OP does not struggle with literacy and grammar.
I hope to God you're not a teacher!!!

MoanCollins · 15/02/2015 15:51

TBH, the thing with the baby shower, after not seeing her when you got together with your boyfriend, cancelling on her, then it's the baby shower and all your coupled up mates get a message but she doesn't. Your atttude seems to be 'Oh well, it was an accident, get over it'. Do you not realise how incredibly hurtful your actions would have appeared? You should have apologised profusely and made and made an effort to make it up to her.

TBH, the fact that you didn't and you just seem to think she should get over it: if that happened to me I would come to the conclusion that you weren't a very nice person, were self involved and had very little empathy.

BTW OP, I would be very, very careful. You seem to be in a fairly new relationship, it sounds like your coupled up friends who weren't very interested in you before have accepted you. If you split up with your boyfriend in a few weeks or months you might want to consider that they might go back to not accepting you quite so much. You seem to have lost your other friend. Who will you be friends with them? Probably nobody.

grocklebox · 15/02/2015 15:51

Not really, its standard english. Easy to see why you have such problems with personal relationships.
It's a pretty unanimous YABU. Yet you're still arguing, even though its a moot point anyway. All a bit pointless, isn't it?

Sn00p4d · 15/02/2015 15:54

Op, to be honest it doesn't matter what the Internet thinks about it. Do you want her as a friend or are you not that bothered? Are you willing to swallow your pride and grovel? whether you think you should or shouldn't is irrelevant if you really want to salvage the friendship.

Is she a friend or an acquaintance that's part of a larger group, do you really care if you don't speak to her again? I'm sure you'll both be civil so it won't be difficult for the wider group. Do you care though? This is what matters. It's getting a bit ridiculous now going on about blame and guilt and whatnot. It's not important. You either want to save the friendship or you let it go. Only you know the answer to that.

Original poster
WishICouldBeLikeTheCoolKids · 15/02/2015 15:59

Not really, its standard english. Easy to see why you have such problems with personal relationships.
It's a pretty unanimous YABU. Yet you're still arguing, even though its a moot point anyway. All a bit pointless, isn't it?

Easy to see why I have problems with personal relationships because of my grammar?

So dyslexics don't have friends then? Wow ...

No what's pointless if feeling all superior to point out a mistake that doesn't matter. You should read the 101 thread, Grammar Nazis were one of the first thing said.

Hope correcting a random stranger you know nothing about makes you feel all smug and superior. Might want to wipe your nose bleed though.

OP posts:
Quitelikely · 15/02/2015 16:05

You did text her though then cancelled, then 'forgot' to include her in a group text.

Fair enough.

She told you why she was upset. You know what she thinks.

It doesn't matter what we think because it's how she has perceived your actions that matters.

If you disagree with her, let her know instead of trying to argue with people on here who share her view.

You are taking it out on the wrong people.