Friend ditched me, who is unreasonable?

[WishICouldBeLikeTheCoolKids]

I'll try and give as much background as I can, known friend since college so been friends around 7/8ish years.

We are a group of friends and as more friends coupled off it was generally just me and her who went out, usually every other weekend. We lived around a 5 minute drive from each other.

I eventually ended up moving because of work and so I lived more of a 40/50 minute drive away. So we did see each other less because of this.

I then met my partner. My friend and I did completely stop seeing each other at this point. I didn't ask to meet up with her and she never asked to meet up with me.

A couple of months back I thought I should make the effort and sort out an evening to meet up (catch up, food, drink etc) it was about a month in advance. Unfortunately I did end up working that day and when it came to going out I just felt too tired, so I text her to cancel and apologise.

She's been very cold with me since then. I organised a baby shower for a mutual friend and I text everyone to invite them, but turns out she didn't get the text. I thought I definitely sent it but I always clear out my inbox every few days and she had no reason to lie, but if I did forget to send it to her it would have been a genuine mistake.

There wasn't too much harm done because she did learn about the baby shower through a mutual friend and when I realised the mistake I sent the text again to her and she did attend.

She was again very cold with me and to be honest has been for a while whenever I see her (at a mutual friends birthday or meal etc) and so I took the courage and text her to say to see if I had done anything wrong and if she wanted to talk.

She replied that she felt very much that she was used as someone to go out with when I was single and that our friendship couldn't have meant that much to me. That she doesn't want drama but she feels we've both moved on and doesn't feel like we could ever have the same friendship.

I'm a little lost for words. I suppose because neither of us text the other to meet up, she wasn't asking me and I kept saying no.

Sorry this was much longer than I anticipated.

Nobody is particularly unreasonable. I seem to be saying this on a lot of threads but no-one is obligated to be your friend. Nobody has to spend time with you. IT is not abnormal or unreasonable to move on from friendships, people come in and out of your life and if they are not adding anything positive to your life you don't have to continue associating with them.

You can see any number of threads on here complaining about "friends" that the poster clearly can't stand. A lot of people seem to think that once you call someone a friend you must keep them on for the rest of your life, no matter what. It's weird and unhealthy.

Please read your initial post again and pretend it"s someone else you're reading about because if you cant gather fron what you've posted that YABVU. Then you're friendship is in more trouble or less salvagable than I first anticipated.
You dropped her like a hot potato when you met your dp
Cancelled on her virtually last minute. It's horrible when you get letdown OP. I mean it's very different if there's a valid reason, but to just cancel for no reason is not nice.
You conveniently forgot her invitation to the baby shower. How you forget to invite someone to a party unless you don't want want them there that is, is beyond me.
In case you're under any illusion. You can't and don't treat friends like that!.
I had a friendship group who were ridiculously clique. God mothers to each others kids, Nights out which I was often excluded from. It took a long time to wake up and smell the coffee but no they're very mych ex friends, and I've never looked back.
I saw an aunt of one of these so called friends and she said You should go down to see our insert name here. She misses you and my reply was "Well insert name here should have treated me properly.

You conveniently forgot her invitation to the baby shower

Erm excuse me. Accidents happen you know.

If you are sending out a mass text then it's not outside of the realms of possibility that you can completely forget to text one person out of many.

It was a friends baby shower, I was told who she wanted there.

Why would I for any reason not invite her? Why would I genuinely sit there and think "I know she's wanted there and our whole friendship group will be there but I'm going to pretend to forget to text her so she misses the party and feels shit"

Why would I do that?

You have a litany of excuses, but you have repeatedly let her down, one way or another

I don't blame her for not being bothered any more

Were I her I wouldn't be especially cold towards you but there is no way I would invest any effort in a friendship you couldn't be bothered to maintain.

Being forgotten is hurtful too. Yes, a mistake, but still hurtful. I have been in a situation where I was left out of something that literally all my other friends in that particular circle went to, I was a bit upset not to be included, then found out it was (allegedly) an oversight. To be honest this doesn't make it loads better, I was not important enough to be on someone's radar and notice I hadn't been included - did you not notice that she hadn't replied? Not spoken to her about it at all? Being left out by accident is still horrible for the person experiencing it.

I don't think you are a nasty person OP and it is unfortunate circumstances that have led to this situation but I do think you are the one who should be bend working hard to fix the friendship, if you want to. I do think you are the one inn the wrong here even if it was all unintentional.

Yes we know mistakes happen. They happen to the best of people. I'm not going to pretend I've never made ine. I'm human!
But when you're left out you don't look at it like that.

Why would you leave her out? no idea.

But your behaviour towards her gives the impression at best that you don't really care about her. It's not a big leap towards that it's not accidental cruelty but deliberate.

You'd like her to be there when it suits you, but not really fussed about her as a person. She's not a priority for you, but when it does suit you, it does read a bit like you expect to be a priority to her.

TheRealAmandaClarke asked earlier: Do you want to make up or are you just annoyed that you are seen as the bad guy?

think about that before you push her into restarting the friendship, because if you don't really ever want to make your time with her a priority at any given time, then sooner or later, you will be a crap friend again, miss her out, dump her when something better comes along that day, or just fill up your weekend doing other stuff so the thing you drop because you're now tired is her.

If she will always be the least important thing/person to you, if she'll always be the friend you see when you've got to the end of the list of other options, then just don't bother pushing to be more than just polite at group stuff.

(this is why you dropped her off the group text, whether or not you realise it, you mentally made contacting her the least important one to do.)

The problem with the baby shower non-invite is that, even if you say it was unintentional, to your friend it would feel like, 'Oh, so first everyone couples up except me and WishI, then she couples up and no longer phones, and now they're all having a baby shower and because I'm the only singleton they've either missed me out because I'm not in that gang, or because they think I'd be Too Sad in a Jennifer Aniston way. Fucking great.'

And that's why a good friend would have double checked to make sure she WAS on that list.

I was not important enough to be on someone's radar and notice I hadn't been included - did you not notice that she hadn't replied?

Yes and no. Because not everyone had replied. So the friend whos shower it was text everyone to ask them to get back to me.

It was then that the mistake was worked out.

You know, I've been thinking about this and it's been a near unanimous response, yet all anyone has to go on, to form an opinion, are the OP's own words. After all, it's not as if the other person has come along and given her side of the story. Yet, the OP, who actually wrote those words that make it so abundantly clear that she is the one who is unreasonable, can't see it herself. I think that's really really strange. It can only be that, as a PP said, she regards herself, her own life and feelings as so much more important than the "friend's". I doubt that she would have accepted being treated as badly as she treated her friend if the situation was reversed.

'Oh, so first everyone couples up except me and WishI, then she couples up and no longer phones, and now they're all having a baby shower and because I'm the only singleton they've either missed me out because I'm not in that gang, or because they think I'd be Too Sad in a Jennifer Aniston way. Fucking great.'

Wow a lot of you paint her as a sad singleton. At this point presently she is not the only single one.

We're not a very coupley group, generally for meals or take away nights etc it's just the women. No one has ever in the group organised something and deliberately left someone out because of their relationship status.

Of course in a group sometimes two of you will meet up for like coffee, lunch etc but if its a group things like a meal, baby shower, night out then everyone gets invited.

Ok, so you don't want to accept that she is entirely reasonable in no longer wanting to hang out with you.

You're showing a remarkable lack of empathy for her.

I don't think I'd want to be your friend either.

Show some respect, acknowledge her feelings and apologise.

she is the one who is unreasonable, can't see it herself

Are you able to read, or do you just see what you want to?

I've said I'm being unreasonable (quite a few times now) and I'm saying it genuinely.

Yes of course it was bad form to let a friend down at last minute. I would try my absolute hardest not to do this again to anyone. Of course I can understand she was pissed off/upset.

And yes again the invite bad form, but it was a genuine mistake. Shit happens, I'm not plotting behind her back to exclude her. But of course maybe she thinks (I can't speak for her) that it was deliberate.

I still maintain before those two incidents that a friendship works both ways. She didn't ask to meet up. I didn't ask to meet up. I'm surprised at the amount of people that seem to think effort should be 100% on one person.

I didn't move from London to Scotland. The lived the same distance from the city centre.

Definitely think you are in the wrong. You just dumped your friend, by your own admission, for your new partner. Then cancelled a long planned night out because you were tired. I would be pretty miffed if I were her.

its a group things like a meal, baby shower, night out then everyone gets invited. Sure, so if you don't get invited to something, it's bound to feel personal. To you, it's a simple mistake. To someone who might already sense she's being slowly phased out of a friendship circle, it might seem more important. Add that to your 'fine to go out with the gang, too tired to see you' cancellation, lack of calls, etc.

[shrugs] I'm not saying this is exactly how she feels - how can any of us possibly know? I'm merely coming from a perspective of trying to put myself in my friends' shoes when a problem arises between us, and wondering how something might have been interpreted differently by them.

Op, you've been a shit friend.

The reason she probably didnt call or anything after you got with your DP, she was worried about intruding, new couples can be very us not them. After you didnt in contact either if probably just confirmed the notion that you are too busy to call so probably to too busy to answer if she called.

She let the friendship slip because to her, thats what you were doing, so she moved on. After the invite business, it probably felt like you just didnt care enough so at some point she stopped caring.

If you really, genuinely want to make things right with her. Then I suggest you other to meet up with her, take flowers/chocs/wine, whatever and say "I've been a really lazy friend and I would like the chance to make it right"

But it has to come from you. If you dont care enough to actually be sorry, then leave her alone.

What response were you expecting from your text? Why were you surprised by her answer? did you think there might be something else you'd not realised/remembered and didn't think your treatment towards her was bad enough for her not to want to make an effort with you?

And then think about your other friends, have you treated others in a similar way? Are you at risk of losing others? It didn't occur to you that this list would be enough for most people to just go "nar, can't be arsed with WishICould anymore", so are you at risk of losing other friendships for similar reasons?

To someone who might already sense she's being slowly phased out of a friendship circle

She's not being phased out of the friendship circle!

It would be an odd reaction to jump to. One thing she wasn't invited to which was a complete mistake and she was told it was a mistake.

She wouldn't have got a second text asking her to reply if she was being phased out and no one wanted her there.

I think it's quite a big jump to go from my OP to suddenly our whole friendship circle dislike her and want to phase her out because she's a sad "singleton"

"she is the one who is unreasonable, can't see it herselfAre you able to read, or do you just see what you want to? I've said I'm being unreasonable (quite a few times now) and I'm saying it genuinely."

Yes, I got the tense wrong when I said that, sorry. I should have made it clear that when you wrote the first post and you put "Friend ditched me, who is unreasonable?" as the title, you couldn't (then) see that you were unreasonable. It was only after other posters had read those same words and told you that you were unreasonable that you agreed. It was the fact that you couldn't see it in the first place, having written down all the things that happened, that people are surprised by. OK? If we could see it, why couldn't you? Lack of insight is why - and putting yourself above others too.

No, I don't think she thought she was being phased out by the whole group. She probably just felt like you were doing it.

But be honest, she's not been someone you've made effort with for a long time. you left her off the list because you didn't think about her. It was thoughtlessness not malice, but thoughtlessness shows you just didn't care or think about her.

If you didn't see her at group things, would you even have noticed she wasn't your friend anymore, or would you still think she was someone you had in the background you could call up at some point when you were at a loose end to meet up with? Not even realising you'd hurt her?

Before everyone on the thread pointed it out to you, had you even realised your behaviour was not what most people would put up with in a friendship?

What do you want from her?

I would get back in touch with her, especially as you obviously don't want this friendship to fizzle out, admit yes, you've been flakey but get it sorted! Life's too short! Anyway, what the hell is a reverse?...

I'm only going from what you've said! Your very first sentence was We are a group of friends and as more friends coupled off it was generally just me and her who went out, usually every other weekend. And then I then met my partner. My friend and I did completely stop seeing each other at this point.

You seem peeved at her behaviour, which to your mind isn't in proportion to what's happened between you. Posters who know neither you, nor her, are trying to give you a different perspective on how someone might have actually take all this a lot more personally than it might warrant, from your point of view. And if I'd been her, going on what you've said, I'd be reading the signals you've been giving as a polite cooling-off of our friendship. If that's not the case, then ring her and make a date to meet up.

Or just let it go. Let it gooooo, etc.

I strongly feel that the OP shouldn't get in touch with this ex-friend again. As fatherpeewee said "Let it go". Although resolving not to treat anyone like that again would be good.

Maybe it's not what you did so much as your attitude that has made her decide to draw a line under her friendship.

She's said she felt used by you. You respond by thinking she's the unreasonable one.

I agree, let it go.