Friend ditched me, who is unreasonable?

[WishICouldBeLikeTheCoolKids]

I'll try and give as much background as I can, known friend since college so been friends around 7/8ish years.

We are a group of friends and as more friends coupled off it was generally just me and her who went out, usually every other weekend. We lived around a 5 minute drive from each other.

I eventually ended up moving because of work and so I lived more of a 40/50 minute drive away. So we did see each other less because of this.

I then met my partner. My friend and I did completely stop seeing each other at this point. I didn't ask to meet up with her and she never asked to meet up with me.

A couple of months back I thought I should make the effort and sort out an evening to meet up (catch up, food, drink etc) it was about a month in advance. Unfortunately I did end up working that day and when it came to going out I just felt too tired, so I text her to cancel and apologise.

She's been very cold with me since then. I organised a baby shower for a mutual friend and I text everyone to invite them, but turns out she didn't get the text. I thought I definitely sent it but I always clear out my inbox every few days and she had no reason to lie, but if I did forget to send it to her it would have been a genuine mistake.

There wasn't too much harm done because she did learn about the baby shower through a mutual friend and when I realised the mistake I sent the text again to her and she did attend.

She was again very cold with me and to be honest has been for a while whenever I see her (at a mutual friends birthday or meal etc) and so I took the courage and text her to say to see if I had done anything wrong and if she wanted to talk.

She replied that she felt very much that she was used as someone to go out with when I was single and that our friendship couldn't have meant that much to me. That she doesn't want drama but she feels we've both moved on and doesn't feel like we could ever have the same friendship.

I'm a little lost for words. I suppose because neither of us text the other to meet up, she wasn't asking me and I kept saying no.

Sorry this was much longer than I anticipated.

^^ like

You're right, friendship should be a two-way street. However, if I had a close friend that was suddenly all loved up, I'd probably wait for them to invite me out as I'd worry they already had plans with their new partner. If they then didn't after a long period of time, I'd feel dropped.

So she was probably feeling sensitive, and then the text thing happened. A total mistake on your part - it happens! Just bad timing.

I personally would send her an apology just saying how sorry you are things have drifted apart, and you'd love to be close again, so could we put everything aside and start again with a coffee out?

That way you're not saying everything was your fault, you're just saying you're sorry it happened.

stay - isn't it funny (as the not always single but sometime single 'friend') how the couples can have a tendency to walk all over you (don't get me started about sharing meal out costs etc as if one of you and couples...). Remember the ones who ring you when they have drama in their relationships? Or break up time after time but include you (as single sympathetic friend) - yes I've got the t-shirt on that one too....

"I thought I definitely sent it but I always clear out my inbox every few days"

Why?

Disappointed - with me - I'm almost 'always' in contact with the friends I value by Whatsapp, text, email etc - so if I hadn't received a reply to the text I would've emailed etc...

This is what makes me think (and the 'friend' here too obviously thinks it) that said 'friend' is on OP's 'B' list. Not good. not clever.

I don't know how you've got time to ponder over this on an internet forum but not contact your former friend OP. Except maybe your wounded pride is more important to you than this friendship?

We all know people like this - people who are not out and out evil scum but who you learn over time just use you and others when its convenient to them. I guess they must make new friends they keep for a few years and then same thing - I can think of a few people who do this and they always seem to have either (a) a very patient and uncomplaining partner/family who fills in the gap friends would normally fill or (b) always starting up new hobbies so they meet new people who don't treat them as warily as their rather depleted former friends.

I think your former friend's summing up was spot on accurate OP.

YABU, you are not a very good friend and she is better off without.

A massive pet peeve of mine is people that dump their mates when they meet a new partner, it's a shitty move.

Also by the sounds of it and looking at your replies, you've only posted an AIBU post to be told you aren't and massage your ego of how fabulous you are and how your mates the bitch. Get over yourself.

Yes it is super! They think you've got nothing else to do and you should be grateful for any titbits they throw you as you've been sitting by the phone for 6 months waiting for their call! I used to be too nice but have wised up. I pointed out they had to be my friend as well if they expect anything. Said people diid the same to others and as their relationships broke up they have nobody.

You seem to be completely deluded and in denial about what a truly awful 'friend' you are.
Good on your friend for telling you. Her self restraint is beyond admirable.