Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friend ditched me, who is unreasonable?

184 replies

WishICouldBeLikeTheCoolKids · 15/02/2015 01:29

I'll try and give as much background as I can, known friend since college so been friends around 7/8ish years.

We are a group of friends and as more friends coupled off it was generally just me and her who went out, usually every other weekend. We lived around a 5 minute drive from each other.

I eventually ended up moving because of work and so I lived more of a 40/50 minute drive away. So we did see each other less because of this.

I then met my partner. My friend and I did completely stop seeing each other at this point. I didn't ask to meet up with her and she never asked to meet up with me.

A couple of months back I thought I should make the effort and sort out an evening to meet up (catch up, food, drink etc) it was about a month in advance. Unfortunately I did end up working that day and when it came to going out I just felt too tired, so I text her to cancel and apologise.

She's been very cold with me since then. I organised a baby shower for a mutual friend and I text everyone to invite them, but turns out she didn't get the text. I thought I definitely sent it but I always clear out my inbox every few days and she had no reason to lie, but if I did forget to send it to her it would have been a genuine mistake.

There wasn't too much harm done because she did learn about the baby shower through a mutual friend and when I realised the mistake I sent the text again to her and she did attend.

She was again very cold with me and to be honest has been for a while whenever I see her (at a mutual friends birthday or meal etc) and so I took the courage and text her to say to see if I had done anything wrong and if she wanted to talk.

She replied that she felt very much that she was used as someone to go out with when I was single and that our friendship couldn't have meant that much to me. That she doesn't want drama but she feels we've both moved on and doesn't feel like we could ever have the same friendship.

I'm a little lost for words. I suppose because neither of us text the other to meet up, she wasn't asking me and I kept saying no.

Sorry this was much longer than I anticipated.

OP posts:
Fuckmath · 15/02/2015 03:20

Title also misleading, she didn't ditch you... Quite the opposite ?!

fizzycolagurlie · 15/02/2015 03:21

Why should she say anything? You've made it clear you don't give a monkeys. Its your job to go to her, apologize properly without excuses, make things right and change your behavior towards her.

or just forget it.

sykadelic · 15/02/2015 03:34

I get that you feel like you need a chance but you've had months (years?) but didn't feel like making the effort. How is she to know you won't just cancel on her again or that you're only asking because you're bored right now and will ditch her like you did before when it becomes too much.

You've obviously both moved on from being best friends and that's not a bad thing, the friendship has just evolved. You didn't make any attempts (you were the one with the life change, she probably didn't text because she didn't want to interrupt/intrude) and then when you did make an attempt you pulled out because you were "tired". That probably was her "chance". She shouldn't have to tell you your friendship was rocky, you should have realised.

It's sad but it's probably time to just move on.

however · 15/02/2015 03:37

I have never, ever blown off a friend because I've been 'too tired'. I always suck it up and go out. It's beyond infuriating to get a 'sorry I'm too tired' text on the evening you're due to go out.

If you want to be her friend then text back: I didn't see our friendship as that, but I can see why you did. I've been rubbish, I'll do better. I value your friendship.

But if you're not that fussed, then let it go.

fizzycolagurlie · 15/02/2015 03:42

oh christ no however you don't patch one like this up through texts. Face to bloody face!

mimishimmi · 15/02/2015 06:00

DH let go of a friend who kept arranging to meet with him and would cancel on the same day, sometimes minutes they were due to meet up. It particularly irked DH that he didn't initiate these arrangements. I think your friend probably sensed that you saw meeting her as being a bit of an effort and then you couldn't even be bothered making it, putting her plans out for that day. I'd go cold on you too sorry.

Kittymum03 · 15/02/2015 06:25

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Hathall · 15/02/2015 06:49

You've been a rubbish friend.
You should tell her that and tell her you now realise that you've taken her friendship for granted and apologise and say you would like to meet up.

JeanSeberg · 15/02/2015 06:55

You sound flaky as hell.

'Too tired' my arse.

MoustacheofRonSwanson · 15/02/2015 07:00

YABU

  1. You move and don't make an effort to keep in touch
  2. You ditch her when you get a DP
  3. You arrange to meet her, are fine to go out to a group thing one night, but too tired to meet her the next night and cancel at a few hours notice, too late for her to arrange something else
  4. You don't ensure she is invited to a group event

Anyone of these things in isolation, fine, shit happens, but all together in a row?

It all just looks like you can't be bothered. Agree with PP who say that thoughtlessness is not a good quality in friends, even if you don't intend to be mean. You;re effectively saying to her "you don't mean enough to me for me to actually be bothered, why is that a problem?".

PrettyLittleMitty · 15/02/2015 07:11

YABU. You need to accept that you have been a crap friend and take reresponsibility for some of the things that have gone wrong in your friendship. Then you need to decide how much this friendship means to you. If you value this friend at all you need to admit your faults and apologise.

youmakemydreams · 15/02/2015 07:18

I think this is an example of a friendship where one values it more than the other.
It seems to me that you are baffled because although you met with Her regularly away from the group that, that was purely circumstance. She was in your friends from college group she just happened to live closest.
It seems she regarded you as a best friend type thing. When you moved this set different expectations. As she was in your college friend box you were happy to go back to just meeting up with her irregularly in a group setting. She seems to have felt this hard as she obviously thought you were better friends than you did.

YABU and rather thoughtless. If there is atmosphere at group things it is because you have cause somebody a fair amount of hurt and they have backed away with a bit of dignity.

calmexterior · 15/02/2015 07:18

You've been a rubbish friend. You need to admit that to her if you want to salvage the friendship.

VioletMoon4683 · 15/02/2015 07:23

You basically stood her up and then excluded her after a long period of no contact.

Previously when you did see each other, who did all the texting and making the first move to meet up?

Eebahgum · 15/02/2015 07:25

Are you saying you do want to rekindle this friendship or you just don't want to be awkward around other people? Either way you need to start with an acknowledgement of being crap and an apology. If its the former you need to do a lot of legwork, arrange meet ups, persist with her knocking you back a few times and it being slightly awkward for a while - although I think she's right about it not going back to how it was when you were both single. That's a very different dynamic.

londonrach · 15/02/2015 07:27

Yabu. Shes right. Your lives have moved in different directions and the friendship is no more. I do like the sound of your friend. She sounds a very honest person whos not afraid to tell you this. Alot of people might ave just kept cancelling. Do think youve not been the best friend as you dropped her when you moved etc. learn from this and move on. X

VioletMoon4683 · 15/02/2015 07:27

I think you need to apologise and say you think a lot of her

MonkeySeeMonkeyDooo · 15/02/2015 07:28

I can't be doing with people who drop their friends as soon as a new DP appears, it's a classic mistake!

lunar1 · 15/02/2015 07:30

This has to be a reverse, nobody could write all that down and still think they were reasonable.

Heysham1 · 15/02/2015 07:33

Will you still invite her to your sweet-16 birthday party?

Pagwatch · 15/02/2015 07:39

Oh I think you didn't intend to drop her. I think you still liked her so your friendship still felt alive to you. I don't think you meant to do anything wrong which is why it feels as if both of you were equally responsible for what has happened.
But sadly , as others have said, that is not what happened. You dumped her and couldn't care less .

The only question now is why it bothers you. Do you really regret the loss of the friendship or are you just thrown by the realisation that you are not, as you imagined yourself, a good friend.
We all want to think we are of course but it is down to what we do. You were a shit friend. Not much choice now but to process that and move on.

TwoOddSocks · 15/02/2015 07:41

If you put all of this together its obvious why she thought you dumped her. Since you moved and got a new partner (leaving her the only single one left) it's natural that you should have made the first move to get in touch and arrange a meet up.

You finally did this after a while,maybe she was looking forward to meeting up with you, she'd maybe cancelled other plans then you cancel at the last minute for a reason that basically amounts to you "can't really be bothered". That made it clear you weren't that bothered about meeting up.

Couple that with being excluded from a group event (which after all the previous stuff she's naturally going to think is deliberate) of course she's going to feel hurt.

In her situation I'd probably do the same for the sake of my own dignity.

It does sound like you were a bit of a fair weather friend to be honest, she was convenient being close by and also single.

AwfulBeryl · 15/02/2015 07:42

Actually op I don't think you have being that u.
I have been in your friends situation, friends have moved away and unfortunately we have drifted apart, because neitherof us have made a huge effort to contact each other. It isn't down to one particular person to stay in touch, it's down to both of you.
I have also been stood up because friends are too tired to go out, it's annoying but not the end of the world. It would be an issue for me if it happens frequently but not as a one off.

Coconutty · 15/02/2015 07:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TheChickenSituation · 15/02/2015 07:44

I honestly thought it was a reverse, as well.

You kept listing mistakes you'd made in the course of the friendship, and then said, 'I'm a little lost for words'.

The almost stunning lack of self-awareness was almost too much for the 'lost for words' reaction.

Exactly as RonS says - each thing on it own; OK, understandable. But altogether, one after the other...?

YABU.

Swipe left for the next trending thread