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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to ask if I'm being materialistic for considering leaving over this?

177 replies

AlmondAmy · 11/02/2015 09:51

Before I met DP I was a single parent to my 7 and 5 year old, we've since had a 2 year old and 2 month old. I hate being financially dependent on him and feel like we're going nowhere because of it. He earns around £43k, we live in a rented house and he has three children from his previous marriage so pays a lot of maintenance and a lot in travel expenses to see them once per month. We're engaged but can't afford a wedding, we can't afford to save for a house or go on holiday. I can't spare the odd few pounds for a magazine or anything for the kids.

Before we met I had a part time job as a school receptionist, I'd just graduated from a great uni with a first and was planning to train as a teacher. The kids and I could afford weekends away and the odd treat and had a better quality of life. Now I can't afford to train as a teacher because of the childcare costs, I can't be a childminder until the children are older because the landlord won't allow it. I just feel like we're stuck being poor with no way to change things as we are. I love DP but just 'existing' with no money and no plans for the future feels like a waste of our lives. Am I being a materialistic cow?

OP posts:

pigsinmud · 11/02/2015 09:52

Sorry if I'm being dim....do you mean leaving your dp?

gamerchick · 11/02/2015 09:53

Would leaving make your life better?

ilovesooty · 11/02/2015 09:56

Presumably he always had these financial commitments to his children?

Surely you were aware of what you were taking on and the implications for your career and finances?

No I wouldn't describe you as materialistic. However I can't believe you knew all these facts and want to quit the relationship two children later.

SaucyJack · 11/02/2015 09:56

Realistically speaking..... how well off did you think you'd be when you're supporting seven children between you on one salary?

Thymeout · 11/02/2015 09:57

But you knew all this before you had the last two children.

Are you thinking of leaving them, too?

LaurieFairyCake · 11/02/2015 09:57

You've got a 2 month old, having 4 children is bound to feel a bit stretched when you've chosen to have a new baby.

When you feel ready to leave the youngest you can apply for a pgce at a uni that has a crèche?

Or when you feel ready to go back to work you can get an evening job and go to work when your partner gets back.

I'm sure you realise this already but having only 1 parent working supporting 4 children and 2 adults is really tight financially.

Hoppinggreen · 11/02/2015 09:58

Well you have had 2 more children so that's going to have a financial impact.
Would your life be better if you left? How would you have more money?

ZenNudist · 11/02/2015 09:59

So how would leaving make you better off? You've got 4 dc and no training/qualifications/experience.

What do you think your dp can do that he isn't doing?

BankWadger · 11/02/2015 09:59

If you leave you'll be a single mother to 4 children and still have child care costs.
Can you afford that?

In a couple more years your child care costs will reduce, will you be able to retrain then?

You have a 2 month old, so most likely you are somewhat sleep deprived which makes everything feel worse. Fair enough leaving if you feel this way when your youngest is a few years older, but right now is not the time to make such a big decision for the reasons stated.

(And trust me I'm in a similar situation financially, and it is getting better, all be it slowly)

LovestFromest · 11/02/2015 10:00

What Saucy said. I don't mean it in a nasty way at all. But with seven children between you, I'm not surprised that you often don't have a few quid for a magazine. I expect you think they're worth it though YANBU for feeling fed up at times. But we all make choices.

LovestFromest · 11/02/2015 10:02

Also yy to what bankawadger wrote. No hasty decisions while you are in the thick of it with a newborn.

indecisiveithink · 11/02/2015 10:02

It costs £120 to get married.

You're not being materialistic but you've had two more children in a few years. I'm not surprised you feel skint with more than half a dozen between you. But it was both of you that decided to keep pumping out kids - you could've not done that and now be in work.

What's stopping you getting a job now? Childcare is expensive, and with two to go into nursery it would cost £2k a month I suppose. Which is why people space kids out...

Anyway, you are where you are. Either get back into work now but the childcare will cost or leave it for a while. I wouldn't leave it too long though.

richthegreatcornholio · 11/02/2015 10:02

Why did you have 2 more children? Surely you knew things would be tight and made the decision knowing that?

indecisiveithink · 11/02/2015 10:02

Massive x post!

nobutreally · 11/02/2015 10:03

It seems pretty obvious that what's caused the financial strain is the choice to have a couple of extra children - therefore meaning you're not working/childcare costs. I assume that was a joint decision?
Like others, I can't see that leaving your dp is the solution here - it's not going to make you any better off. This is obviously going to be a tough time with both are little, but can you start planning for when childcare will get cheaper & you can go into training for your PGCE again?

RubbishRobotFromTheDawnOfTime · 11/02/2015 10:03

Well if you hadn't got together with your DP you wouldn't have a 2 year old and newborn, and that is what is causing your current financial situation. But you did and you do, and four children costs a lot of money. Plus the three he already has. Did you not take that into account before having them?

You would still have four children if you left your DP. You'd either have to work, in which case the childcare costs won't be any lower than you say they are now, or be on full benefits. Is that what you mean? That you would be better off as a single parent on benefits? You don't actually say why your life would be easier if you left your DP.

Oldraver · 11/02/2015 10:03

Are things genuinley stretched financially or he is he keeping you short of money ? do you have full access and a say in whats spent ?

Eva50 · 11/02/2015 10:05

I wouldn't say you were materialistic but I do think you have to live with the choices you have made. You could have trained to be a teacher with a seven and five year old with or without your dp. You can't do it with two more babies. Once they are older you can rethink your plans.

We got married for £150 so start saving. It doesn't need to be expensive. I would have liked another child but we couldn't afford it so we have to live with that.

I'm not sure that leaving your DP and living on benefits is the answer.

RubbishRobotFromTheDawnOfTime · 11/02/2015 10:07

Are things genuinley stretched financially or he is he keeping you short of money ? do you have full access and a say in whats spent ?

I don't see how, with what the OP says re seven children, travel expenses and maintenance, £43k salary, there can be any money left to deny her access to!

NeedABumChange · 11/02/2015 10:07

Did you not think this through at all before having babies 6 and 7?

You obviously don't love him on the right way at all if you are seriously considering leaving him because he's too poor.

fancyanotherfez · 11/02/2015 10:08

I would say £42k spread between 9 people, including 7 children probably means he hasn't got a lot to spare. Do you think you will be given a council house and more benefits if you left him? I'm not sure it's that easy, or is it the reality of the 7 children that is the problem? Does the father of your 2 eldest children contribute anything to their upkeep?

Brandysnapper · 11/02/2015 10:09

When you were about to train as a teacher etc, you decided instead to have two more children. Can you think back to the mindset you had then, there must have been a feeling inside you that the dcs would bring you more happiness/fulfilment etc than the new job? Can you recapture some of that? It must be pants to be poor all the time, but how lovely to have four dcs and (I hope) a good relationship! You are a clever person, and can take time to think out what the best way forward will be - it doesn't have to be done now while the baby is tiny. When lo is bigger, can you get a job then (not ideal one, but to bring some £ in), could your dh alter his working practices to help you work? What funds would be available if you retrain, some colleges have nurseries on site I know.
I wouldn't advise leaving with any dc under one, everything is so different then. Hopefully you didn't mean leaving without the children but that is obviously something some women (and lots of men) do.

binspin · 11/02/2015 10:09

And it's your dps fault because???

Why would you leave him?

He could me moaning to his mates, 'before I met her I was able to afford treats, now I support her two dc and our two dc plus the three that I already had'. Not nice when it's turned around.

You've got a little baby and seven children between you, things will be tight and stressful but not forever. Concentrate on your babies. When they're a bit older maybe consider doing an access to HE course.

Your not being materialistic, you're overwhelmed and a bit down trodden at the moment but please don't consider leaving because of this?

wigfieldrocks · 11/02/2015 10:10

Do you mean that if you didn't live together then you would be able to get full tax credits therefore be better off? I'm not sure if that's what you meant and apologies if I've got the wrong end of the stick but if that is the case then yes that is unreasonable. Do you mean actually end the relationship or just live separately?

FoxyMcFox · 11/02/2015 10:12

How can you have previously been well off enough to have weekends away and a nice lifestyle as a lone parent with a part time receptionist job?

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