to ask if I'm being materialistic for considering leaving over this?

[AlmondAmy]

Before I met DP I was a single parent to my 7 and 5 year old, we've since had a 2 year old and 2 month old. I hate being financially dependent on him and feel like we're going nowhere because of it. He earns around £43k, we live in a rented house and he has three children from his previous marriage so pays a lot of maintenance and a lot in travel expenses to see them once per month. We're engaged but can't afford a wedding, we can't afford to save for a house or go on holiday. I can't spare the odd few pounds for a magazine or anything for the kids.

Before we met I had a part time job as a school receptionist, I'd just graduated from a great uni with a first and was planning to train as a teacher. The kids and I could afford weekends away and the odd treat and had a better quality of life. Now I can't afford to train as a teacher because of the childcare costs, I can't be a childminder until the children are older because the landlord won't allow it. I just feel like we're stuck being poor with no way to change things as we are. I love DP but just 'existing' with no money and no plans for the future feels like a waste of our lives. Am I being a materialistic cow?

The kids and I could afford weekends away and the odd treat and had a better quality of life. Now I can't afford to train as a teacher because of the childcare costs, I can't be a childminder until the children are older because the landlord won't allow it.

I'm assuming from this that you mean leaving your two youngest children as well? Otherwise I can't see how leaving would improve your finances as you would still have to either look after them yourself of find money for childcare somehow.

I love DP but just 'existing' with no money and no plans for the future feels like a waste of our lives.

But your children will get older whether you plan it or not and then you will be able to return to your training presumably? You seem surprised that having two more children has altered your standard of living - are you feeling generally down? Your youngest is very young to be considering leaving an otherwise stable relationship.

" I just feel like we're stuck being poor with no way to change things as we are. I love DP but just 'existing' with no money and no plans for the future feels like a waste of our lives."
Your youngest is just two months old, so I'm guessing that you're pretty sleep deprived right now. Everything looks hopeless under those circumstances.

You made the decision to have more children, you probably weren't sleep deprived then. Can you remember back to then? (Not being funny - sleep deprivation affected my memory.) You say there are 'no plans' right now, were there plans then? What were they? Was it to grit your teeth for a couple of years to get through the early years? And then what?

DH and I both work and are reasonably well paid. I genuinely think we would struggle to afford a fourth child. Being frustrated by your current circumstance is understandable but you have 7 children so there will always be a financial strain.

Set goals for the changes you want to implement and the look at how you can go about doing it. I don't think the teacher training thing needs to be off the agenda for the long term. There might be a way to achieve it.

I don't understand how leaving would help your situation.

You sound resentful of his maintenance commitments which were there when you met and decided to have children together.

No I don't think it's materialistic to not want to struggle through life and have the occasional treat/holiday/meal out.

However, presumably your last two children were planned? Correct me if I'm wrong but if so you brought them into the world knowing that you already had five children to support between you both on one wage then added two more to the mix. No wonder things feel stretched.

I would dearly love three or four children myself but the simple fact is we cannot afford it so I'm afraid I will have to get over the disappointment and deal with it.

You don't say how your life would be better without DP around? You still have four children to provide for and no way at the moment of earning a decent wage yourself. How do you think taking away DP's 43k salary plus everything else he brings to your family would benefit you all? What is the plan exactly and why can't you achieve it with the current family dynamics but seemingly could on your own? Doesn't make an awful lot of sense to me. Perhaps you could elaborate?

You say you've no plans for the future. Why not make one now - plan a cheap-as-chips wedding for later in the year, full of personal touches, and with all the dcs there together. Find something to celebrate.

Seven children, wow that an expensive choice.
Yabu. perhaps don't have any more though?

The OP is two months post-natal Kilmuir.

It's not a famously reasonable or magnanimous time in one's life. Be nice.

Your choices have meant that this is your lifestyle now.

I'm in a similar situation and it is very frustrating. I had more money when I was single parent. So many systems in place just don't work for people in our situation.

I've done a lot of sums and if it's just money, just grin and bear it for now. It's not forever. The maintenance will end, the childcare costs will reduce, you will eventually be in a much better position. If you leave, the short term will probably be better but longer term your tax credits/benefits/child benefit will end and you will really struggle.

These years are tough. Even if we thought we knew what we were getting ourselves into - the reality is much tougher.

Hang on in there, it will get better.

Can you get a night job/weekend job a few hours a week, just to get enough for small treats?

And plan to study in a year?

Welcome to MN; first post I see?

What would you like the plans for the future to be? You and your partner need to work on those together, you seem to be expecting him to solve everything.

Ultimately, I can't believe for one minute your life would be better financially by leaving. You would be a single parent to 4 kids and the amount of child maintenance would be tiny as he would be supporting 7 kids. You are tired and emotional right now, of course you are, and you feel trapped by circumstance; well, to a certain degree you are, but you and he engineered those circumstances. Together you need to work out a plan so you feel more valued as a person, I think, and ultimately get back to work perhaps when your youngest is a bit older.

You have a 2 month old. YY to sleep deprivation. Maybe the baby blues. Just hand in there. It's hard when the kids are so wee. Plan ahead. What can you get for free from the library? Study a bit to keep your brain ticking over. It's important to have a little time for yourself. You are bringing up your family. You and DH maybe should chat about finances. Is he aware you don't like not being independent? Sounds like you need a hug and a bit of reassuring to me. It is so hard these days juggling step children, birth children, time and money.

I think sleep deprivation is preventing you form thinking clearly.

Either that or " a first from a great university" ain't what it used to be.

If you wanted to have a better quality of life financially, you've made a series of irreversible poor decisions/choices which are preventing you from achieving that.

If you wanted to have loads of children on the other hand......

I do think second broods with a subsequent partner are the cause of a great deal of financial hardship in this country. You chose to do this, your children didn't. They are the ones I have some sympathy for but some of them will never have known any different and if the household is generally happy and filled with love they'll be just fine.

If you want to get married ditch any plans for a wedding style event and just get married at minimum cost with no party. Do it for your children if nothing else. You can always have a blessing/renewal of vows type event later if your financial circumstances improve.

42l to support four children at home, plus maintenance for a further three, and two adults is not a lot of money when you think about it. Maintenance aside, you have to pay rent, bills, food, clothes, activities, school uniforms, lunches...it's not a lot of money once all the necessities have been paid. So, YANBU to feel poor.

BUT, you must have known this before you got with him, surely? You knew that between you, you had 5DC even before having two others. Please tell me you discussed/planned things like childcare/work before having DC's 6 and 7?

You would BVU to leave and move your DC's away from their dad over this, yes. You KNEW the situation before you got together, but you chose to have further children, so you need to accept the consequences. If he'd revealed the three other DC afterwards, you might have a point, but you knew and did it anyway.

You'd need to scrutinise the figures very, very carefully.

I presume that as you can't work at the moment, if you left him, you'd be relying on benefits to look after you and your children. Morals of that aside, it is likely that benefits will be reduced and reduced again, especially with a General Election this year. I wouldn't be making any decisions that involved relying on the current offering, because if it was drastically reduced, you'd be in trouble.

Staying is the harder option. Being realistic, you'd need to find a job that worked around your DP's, so that someone was always home for childcare. You also might need to look at your DPs job prospects and see if there is any room for improvement. I'm guessing that he has quite a lot of maintenance left to pay? Are you getting the maintenance you are entitled to for your older children?

You don't win financially either way - you either end up on your own with four children, relying on the state to not rip the rug out from underneath you, or you have a hard path ahead but you keep your family together. Both are daunting. Neither have an immediately easier path, or effortlessly bright future.

Marriages and relationships should be about love, not about lifestyle choice.

Im sorry I don't understand what you are considering leaving over?

When you got together you had 5 children between you, and you were working part time. You decided to give up your job (am I reading that correctly?) and have another 2 children, and now its solely your DP's fault that you have no money?

I don't get it.

How are you going to be better off? You've got four children now. If you're not working now it's going to be even harder as a single parent.

If you wanted to do a PGCE then why did you have two more children? Sorry, don't mean to sound harsh but surely you must have thought this through beforehand.

Even with seven dc 43k doesn't make you poor especially as three dc are only receiving a contribution to their upbringing.

Also incredibly selfish to deny your two youngest dc the right to live with their father because you want more money for little treats like magazines?

You've gone from having two children to four. I think you'll find money would be a lot tighter regardless of whether you were with your DP or not.

I'm also wondering why you had another two kids if what you actually wanted was to train as a teacher. Sometimes you have to make choices. That was yours.

Depends where you live soon I guess

I guess there's not much point in saying "well you should have thought of this before you had two more kids" - because it's a bit late now.

If you go back to be a single parent now you will have 4 kids, not 2, no job and probably be worse off

It won't always be this tight. Hang in there and think again when the kds are a bit older

Have you looked into any sort of flexible working patterns.My DH requested a 4 day condensed week and that freed me up to work a 12 hour day one day a week.It had the added advantage of him having one day alone with the children which meant he understood how hard it can be at home ( we had 3 pre-schoolers at one stage.) You both have a £10,000 tax free allowance, and yours is going to waste if you do not earn £10,000 a year. This can make such a difference to disposable income.
Although it probably seems years away, once your 2 youngest are at school, you could look for work as a T.A and maybe do an 'on the job' training to be a teacher.
We lived on a joint income of about £30,000 and the kids clothes were all hand me downs or charity shop, and if we went away,we drove and stayed with friends and family. Last year when my husband got a job after 2 years of unemployment and I was working full-time, we suddenly had 2 full-time incomes for the first time since having kids. We booked a trip to Legoland with the kids aged 11,10 and 8 and that was the first time they had been to a theme park. I have now dropped down to half-time as I think quality time at home and minimising stress for everyone is important.
Regards the expense of marriage, I remember one of the best weddings I went to was a friend who booked her local village hall and asked all the guests to bring a dish of food with them. There was such an awesome choice of dishes and no-one objected to being asked.It was really lovely. Weddings do not have to cost thousands.