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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to ask if I'm being materialistic for considering leaving over this?

177 replies

AlmondAmy · 11/02/2015 09:51

Before I met DP I was a single parent to my 7 and 5 year old, we've since had a 2 year old and 2 month old. I hate being financially dependent on him and feel like we're going nowhere because of it. He earns around £43k, we live in a rented house and he has three children from his previous marriage so pays a lot of maintenance and a lot in travel expenses to see them once per month. We're engaged but can't afford a wedding, we can't afford to save for a house or go on holiday. I can't spare the odd few pounds for a magazine or anything for the kids.

Before we met I had a part time job as a school receptionist, I'd just graduated from a great uni with a first and was planning to train as a teacher. The kids and I could afford weekends away and the odd treat and had a better quality of life. Now I can't afford to train as a teacher because of the childcare costs, I can't be a childminder until the children are older because the landlord won't allow it. I just feel like we're stuck being poor with no way to change things as we are. I love DP but just 'existing' with no money and no plans for the future feels like a waste of our lives. Am I being a materialistic cow?

OP posts:
GotToBeInItToWinIt · 12/02/2015 09:37

It's never occurred to me that I might be better off financially without DH before but having just done the calculations I definitely would be. Still wouldn't leave him though, I love him. What a kick in the teeth that would be to the father of my children who works damn hard to support us. He'd be absolutely gutted if I said I was leaving him so I could buy magazines and new clothes.

Arsenic · 12/02/2015 09:40

I think there are other issues besides money

SurlyCue · 12/02/2015 10:13

Hi OP.

I see lots of stuff has been said already but really what you need is help to see how to change your circumstances for the better. Honestly with 4 DCs and no job or support i dont think you will be better off by separating from your partner.

So what are your options?

Well baby is very small so working out of home is probably out for a couple of months (but that will fly in really)

Do you have any skills you could utilise at home in the evenings? Anything computer based that didnt involve equipment or investment would be good. Could you do online tutoring? Or proofreading? Im sure there are loads more people could suggest. Perhaps post a new thread in the work section of MN asking for ideas and advice.

Is your toddler eligble for a free nursery place for 15 hours? It could be possible to do something in those few hours a day with baby in the pram like delivering leaflets or something along those lines.

I dont know your specific circumstances but you really need to think outside the box if you want to improve things and try not to dismiss everything that is suggested. Somethings wont be possible but some will. Yes it will be a bit of effort but anything worth doing is and if you want to have more money it will mean doing something in return for that money.

I would also ask your DP if he could reduce his week by a day to see if you could get weekend work or something.

GingerLDN · 12/02/2015 13:01

Gottobe I think you have it spot on. Curly Sue, I'd imagine the op's husband would lose a lot of his wage by losing a day a week, not sure the OP could get a 1 day a week job that would come close to that amount of money, if so I've never seen one. But I agree with leaflet work or night time stuff, what about proof-reading or something? My friend done that a while ago for some extra money.

SurlyCue · 12/02/2015 13:12

I'd imagine the op's husband would lose a lot of his wage by losing a day a week

I suppose it depends on what his work is. It could be possible for him to work 4 longer days for the fifth off (my exp has just agreed this with his work) or he could possibly work a day at home (again depending on what the work is and how demanding it would be of his time at home)

Theres also the possibility he could negotiate a pay rise or look for a higher paid role or one that meant he was at home every evening.

There are options, its just a matter of looking for them and thinking through the practicalities of it all. Certainly splitting up the family wouldnt be the first one i'd go for and i very much doubt it would be the easiest for OP on a practical level.

DialsMavis · 12/02/2015 13:22

I have been where you are in the him being away seemingly being pampered for work while you are skint at home and I was incredibly resentful. There are now answers to that one.

You need to get a job evenings or weekends if he is away midweek every week. It will be exhausting and it's horrible to have to go and do that with such a young baby but you will have some spare cash. You have a lot of children between you to support.

I work 2 jobs (40 hrs at one, 15-20 at the 2nd), I'm shattered a lot of the time, but like you I cannot stand the constant grind of having no £ so it's the lesser of 2 evils and it seems like you feel the same.

In darker moments (my relationship is strained) I have looked at entitled to & maintenance calculators and fantasised about just being able to work full time and maybe even do my masters. But I've made my bed and I shall lay in it and we will work together to make things better.

GingerLDN · 12/02/2015 14:34

Oh, SurlyCue I just realised I wrote your name wrong the first time, sorry!

SurlyCue · 12/02/2015 14:41

Grin no problem!

Rebecca2014 · 12/02/2015 17:47

Sorry but no pity here. You chose to have two more children, yes even the second unplanned one.

This is just a rant. I do feel sorry for your older children but you put them in that situation, one day you will be better off I am sure though.

soverylucky · 12/02/2015 17:56

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

bloodygorgeous · 12/02/2015 18:12

YY to Grocklebox, Rebecca and SoveryLucky

Don't get the sympathy at all.

SurlyCue · 12/02/2015 18:23

Look is it at all possible being 2 months post partum and a mother of 4 coping on her own during the week that OP was posting out of frustration and exhaustion rather than a genuine desire to leave her DH for a few magazines.

bloodygorgeous · 12/02/2015 18:30

Possibly, Surly, yes. But there is a principle here and that's what's getting people's backs up.

Most of us think ahead and think realistically, especially when we have children.

We also, myself included, decide that we can't afford to have more kids if we errr can't afford to have more kids.

It's understandable, natural even, that she was in a new relationship and wanted more children.

Understandable but misguided in her situation - we can't always have what we want.

And I'm sorry but I don't buy the failed vasectomy and the other various unforeseens.

Unless you are really quite wealthy, who can afford more than five children, whatever the circumstances?

Iggi999 · 12/02/2015 18:32

If you feel no sympathy at all for a woman with a two month old baby, three other dcs, no help or adult company in the week at all, and without any spare cash to even heat the house properly - well then you are on the verges of being a human being perhaps, but definitely not there yet.

GotToBeInItToWinIt · 12/02/2015 18:35

I do feel sorry for her Iggi. I also feel sorry for her DH who is apparently completely disposable.

GotToBeInItToWinIt · 12/02/2015 18:35

Sorry, DP.

SurlyCue · 12/02/2015 18:35

Most of us think ahead and think realistically, especially when we have children

Yeah and most of us have off days as well were everything gets on top of us and we just need to vent. You dont have to have sympathy for OP but dont stick the boot in when she's down. Theres a thread full of it already. Its not adding anything and i'm pretty sure not making her feel like posting again when she's feeling low.

bloodygorgeous · 12/02/2015 18:37

Oh do be quiet. We all do. We've all had hardships. I am compassionate and supportive of people in need. OP had choices - she still does.

SurlyCue · 12/02/2015 18:40

Heck there were days i could have walked away from my children and genuinely couldnt see how me being there was benefitting them. I was struggling and panicking and not thinking very clearly. Thank goodness i didnt get a thread full of "it was your choice to have children" when i posted for support.

expatinscotland · 12/02/2015 18:41

The real problem of leaving him, tbh, is finding a LL who will take a lone parent with 4 kids on benefits. Going the homeless route due to relationship breakdown via the counsel can, depending on where you are, be very hard on your mental health.

It's all well and good people saying, 'You'll get IS, tax credits, HB,' but in some areas, your chances of getting a social landlord are very slim and finding a private one who will take a lone parent who is unemployed with 4 young children can be very, very difficult.

SurlyCue · 12/02/2015 18:46

Plus raising a deposit and first month's rent (at least) could prove tricky if finances are so tight.

CurlyhairedAssassin · 12/02/2015 18:55

Hang on, I thought the OP has said that some of her children get maintenance from their dad? So her DP isn't supporting them financially, is he? I realise that he will be paying household bills and the like but in terms of individual needs of children such as new clothes/shoes then the maintenance from OP's ex will surely go some way towards covering that type of cost.

I mean, the OP is complaining that her Dp's money goes towards maintenance for his own children, but in the same breath admitting that her ex does pay maintenance for the children she had with him. So surely it all balances out a bit and the only issue here is that OP is feeling like we all do when our children are tiny and we only have one wage coming in - skint.
It

It's not forever. Hold that in mind, OP.

TheChandler · 12/02/2015 20:17

£43,000 isn't a bad salary, so YANBU. I don't know what else you expect him to do. Walking into a high salary job isn't very easy for the majority of people.

MsAspreyDiamonds · 12/02/2015 21:12

There is another route into teaching & that is school led training. The school pays for your QTS qualification whilst providing you with on the job training. If you still want to do it then have a look IntO it.

http//www.education. gov.uk/get-into-teaching

In the meantime enquire about two years old nursery funding for your toddler. Some areas qualify for the free funding from two years, it might give you some breathing space for you with the new born.

With your dh's current income, you need to see how you can stretch & supplement it. Have a look on moneysaving expert & see where you can sswitch to save more money.

I don't think you will be any better off single and on benefits. Please talk to your hv/gp about PND because you sound desperate.

Thymeout · 12/02/2015 23:11

I really do not recommend school-led training. It's brutal. At least at secondary level. Not at all suitable for someone under stress. You'll be working every evening to prepare for the next day.