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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to ask if I'm being materialistic for considering leaving over this?

177 replies

AlmondAmy · 11/02/2015 09:51

Before I met DP I was a single parent to my 7 and 5 year old, we've since had a 2 year old and 2 month old. I hate being financially dependent on him and feel like we're going nowhere because of it. He earns around £43k, we live in a rented house and he has three children from his previous marriage so pays a lot of maintenance and a lot in travel expenses to see them once per month. We're engaged but can't afford a wedding, we can't afford to save for a house or go on holiday. I can't spare the odd few pounds for a magazine or anything for the kids.

Before we met I had a part time job as a school receptionist, I'd just graduated from a great uni with a first and was planning to train as a teacher. The kids and I could afford weekends away and the odd treat and had a better quality of life. Now I can't afford to train as a teacher because of the childcare costs, I can't be a childminder until the children are older because the landlord won't allow it. I just feel like we're stuck being poor with no way to change things as we are. I love DP but just 'existing' with no money and no plans for the future feels like a waste of our lives. Am I being a materialistic cow?

OP posts:
Coyoacan · 11/02/2015 15:18

I can't stand all the tough love And I can't stand all this telling someone off for decisions that are already made. Children cannot be undone.

And tax credits etc. are for the quality of life of the children, not the mother. Children are not responsible for being here and deserve to have a decent quality of life.

But things will get easier, OP, as the weather gets warmer and the baby grows. I'm afraid don't enough about your situation to suggest any other solutions.

weeblueberry · 11/02/2015 15:20

I might be misinterpreting the OP but if her DH has the food, gym and sauna included with his accommodation and work away package would you honestly expect him to sit in a hotel room and look at the four walls because his wife is at home and struggling? I do sympathise that it must be difficult to be in the situation you are (though if you can't afford to heat the house and are genuinely all 'huddled under a single blanket' then that's a bit of a concern Hmm).

But if all of these things are perks of him being away, what would him avoiding them actually accomplish? Should he be forcing himself to be just as miserable?

TheFriar · 11/02/2015 15:51

I think it's quite easy to be ressentful of your DP when things are so stretched like this.
It's easy for the woman at home who us keeping the house running, dealing with the dcs 24/7 to feel ressentful of her DP who has nothing but himself to think about. On the top of it, I suspect that some weekends are taken by going to see the stepdcs, so again less to get support.
And then YES I can see too that it will look easier to be a single patent because you are already doing it all by yourself anyway.

On the other side, it's not unusual for the man to be ressentful of the SAHM because he only sees that she us at home (so associated with a nice and relaxing thing to do), doesn't have to travel and stay in a hotel (only nice for a while and then I can tell you you start resenting it!) and to think that she has it very easy compare to him.

Please don't fall into that trap. Your issue isn't really about money but whether your DP is appreciative of what you do at home and whether you are appreciative of what he does when he us away (and how hard it can be too).
You need to have a chat with your do and sort a few things out. First, why he is the only one paying for the cost if travel mid that his ex has moved? It needs to be shared and you need done attangents so that he isn't the only one to bear the cost and time if that move.
Look at what sort if support you can get for yourself. Is your mum it a friend able to help or even just there to have a chat with when your DP is away? Being at home on your own with a 2yo and a 2months old us HARD (been there done that) let alone if you gave another 2 dcs too. But it WILL get easier.
Where do you find things really rely hard? Again, could you things differently so it's easier? Eg I found that involving the dcs more helped a lot re all the HW, even at 5 or 7yo. They can do quite a bit.

Finally, just a thought, have you checked if you might not have PND? A far stretch but depression can involve feeling pissed off and ressentful of everyone else lives who look so much easier than yours.

SnowWhiteAteTheApple · 11/02/2015 16:59

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Oldraver · 11/02/2015 17:02

I don't see how, with what the OP says re seven children, travel expenses and maintenance, £43k salary, there can be any money left to deny her access to!

Because people DO manage. It was a genuine question, is the OP fully aware of how the household money is spent as its not unusual for some people to be in the dark about this

Though I fully go with the WTF did you think would happen if you had two more kids on top of the 5 you already had.

LovesBooks · 11/02/2015 17:14

I am also one who says this is all down to your choices. You chose to be with a man with 3 children, you chose to give up work and have 2 other children. So I think it's unfair for you to put all the blame on your oh. He is working and doing his best. It's tough now but it passes.

Iggi999 · 11/02/2015 17:38

Presumably the failed vasectomy was an acknowledgement that 6 dcs was enough, but let's keep focusing on the "choice".

grocklebox · 11/02/2015 19:37

yes, of course you would be. And good luck with life as a single parent to 4, I'm sure that will improve your finances and your life Hmm Not your kids lives, but hey, its all about you, right?

CrapBag · 11/02/2015 21:14

OP, it must be tough on you when he is away all week and you are left with 4 children and no support. It also must be tough knowing you can't even give your children a magazine or have the heating on.

Are you seriously thinking of leaving? Or was it just a 'i'm fed up (understandably) and want a moan' post? Do you have family and friends around? You sound utterly fed up. Have you considered PND?

Whilst your life as a single parent was better off before, it would probably be different this time because you have double the amount of children therefore your money would naturally be less and not go as far between 5 of you.

Can posters stop fixating on the 'you knew what you were getting into' stance. It's not helpful in the slightest so get off your high horses. Contribute with advice or just don't bother. Also, they didn't choose to have another 2 children. The DP did the responsible thing and had a vasectomy. Hardly his and OPs fault that it failed, resulting in another baby. I don't get the "interesting first posts" comments either. Clearly you think it's a troll so just report it and let MNHQ decide.

Susiesoop · 11/02/2015 21:25

Things will get easier, it feels like the long haul now but the time will pass and things will get gradually easier. A year till you get some childcare funding for your eldest, then a year before they are at school, by which time your youngest will be getting preschool funding and gradually it all just gets a bit easier and maybe time for training etc. I think there's a saying 'this too shall pass'. It has got me through many a 'things are bloody relentless' times. Newborns and little ones are an intense period and when we are tired/low it's normal that thoughts can reflect a desperate need for things to be better!

Susiesoop · 11/02/2015 21:33

Reading some of the replies on here Hmm it appears there's nothing like someone feeling a bit rotten when they 'shouldn't' to bring out the best Daily Mail columnist in a person. there are lots of sensible suggestions on here for having a good old talk with your oh, I hope things improve for you.

MNHQ
YetAnotherHelenMumsnet · 11/02/2015 21:43

Evening all,
this thread has garnered a few reports tonight... it might be a good time to remind everyone about our talk guidelines, maybe?

Jackieharris · 11/02/2015 21:46

Why are people saying OP "chose" to have 2 more DCs when one was in different circs and one was a vasectomy that didn't work. Are posters really saying women who have accidental pregnancies at 'bad' times should have abortions?

The same evangelical posters are also telling her to get a job. She had a baby 8 weeks ago. How many of you went out to work with an 8 week old? If a mum posted here she was intending to do that she'd get vilified!

grocklebox · 11/02/2015 21:48

No, they are saying that you have a choice to have a baby or not, either before or after you get pregnant. There is always a choice.
And "waah poor me we have no money" is a bit much when you have 7 children between you. Of course you have no money. But that was your choice.

goldwrapped · 11/02/2015 22:13

Bless you OP. YANBU. I get it.

We have 7 between us too; have been trying to leave for ages but even with my fairly good wage I'd not be able to eat let alone buy magazines.

It irritates the crap out of me when he's away during the week in hotels (he's a contractor so he pays the hotel bill) and having his meals cooked while I work, shop, drive the kids round, cook and clean.

I find MN posters so fricking judgemental at times, phrases like 'you made your bed now lie in it' 'suck it up' are so patronising- do you not think she knows that? Have you never got things wrong? Wanting more & better for you and your children but being unable to change your situation is the most frustrating feeling ever.

It does get easier. The kids grow & you can get a bit of a life back. I've just focussed on raising bloody amazing kids & surrounding myself with gorgeous people. Then when I can leave they will all understand & support me.

Good luck xxx

Iggi999 · 11/02/2015 22:37

I am all for a good bit of healthy argument on here, but I would hate to be the cause of increased unhappiness for a woman two months post birth. It wouldn't have taken much to push me over the edge at that point.

grocklebox · 12/02/2015 00:13

Then I doubt you'd post in aibu with a deliberately inflammatory story then.

Icimoi · 12/02/2015 06:32

How about being a bit constructive, folks? There's no point whatsoever in telling the OP she shouldn't have had two more children, they're there.

OP, how about looking at other work you could do at home, like tutoring or typing? These days a lot of companies outsource their work and their are typing services that use home typists. Or maybe look into whether you can childmind in a child's home?

Arsenic · 12/02/2015 06:54

Welcome to MN; first post I see?

No it's not.

You've been struggling with (and posting about) this for a while now, haven't you OP?

Despite all the catty posts about council house and benefits, your key issue is that, as a single parent, you would have received funding for a PGCE and in current circs you will get very little. Is that right?

Maybe you need to decide to realistically how old the two smallest would need to be before you could start anyway and go from there.

Arsenic · 12/02/2015 06:58

I am all for a good bit of healthy argument on here, but I would hate to be the cause of increased unhappiness for a woman two months post birth. It wouldn't have taken much to push me over the edge at that point.

YY Iggi and, if it is who I think it is, she was in quite a dark place during pregnancy.

Violetta007 · 12/02/2015 07:06

OP what did you train in? Can you do a bit of tutoring 1:1 at home when babies older?

coolaschmoola · 12/02/2015 07:39

I'm currently doing a PGCE with one three yo dd and a husband.

It is ridiculously hard work, doing a degree doesn't compare. I am physically and mentally drained, I haven't had a day off without some type of study or teaching work since Christmas.

I honestly don't think that it could be done as a single parent with four children until they are all in full time education and even then it would be damn hard. Even if you left dp and could afford to do the course I really don't think it would be achievable for a good few years.

I have two good degrees, one child and a dh.... This course is the hardest I've ever done.

FightOrFlight · 12/02/2015 08:42

To be fair Arsenic most people won't have seen OP's other posts (or realised it was her) as she must have name changed for this thread.

There's a lot of women who would be financially better off if they left their partner and claimed benefits/got funding for training so OP certainly isn't alone in that. It doesn't make it okay to split up a family and claim off the state because you can't afford magazines etc. for the kids though.

As you say, OP needs to be realistic about things re: training if her youngest is only 2 months old. It will probably be a while before she is in a position to do that by which time her partner may have been promoted or changed jobs and be earning more money. Things can change quite a lot in a year or two so leaving a man she says she loves (and has 2 children by) does not seem a good idea to many people.

£46k is a good wage but it has to cover a lot of people in this relationship. OP, however, says she gets quite a bit of maintenance from her ex so that needs to be added into the budget.

A lot of people have tried to suggest ways for OP to reduce expenses or potentially earn a bit more by working from home etc. Not everyone has been unhelpful.

Arsenic · 12/02/2015 08:51

To be fair Arsenic most people won't have seen OP's other posts (or realised it was her) as she must have name changed for this thread.

Wasn't suggesting otherwise Fight. Just a heads up.

FightOrFlight · 12/02/2015 08:54

Another thing to consider is future relationships if OP leaves her partner.

A single mum with 4 children is not going to be a particularly enticing prospect for a lot of men even if the maintenance covers the bulk of their costs. Becoming a step-parent to 4 children would seem pretty daunting to quite a few people.

Her older two children have already experienced the breakdown of one relationship and been introduced to another with two younger siblings then added into the equation. I would imagine it would be very unsettling to change that dynamic again back to single parent and then, potentially, another man coming into their lives.

If the relationship is happy other than the money being tight then it seems wrong to disrupt the family OP's children have come to know. If there are other issues that OP hasn't mentioned then fair enough, but people on this thread can only go by the informtion divulged here.