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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to ask if I'm being materialistic for considering leaving over this?

177 replies

AlmondAmy · 11/02/2015 09:51

Before I met DP I was a single parent to my 7 and 5 year old, we've since had a 2 year old and 2 month old. I hate being financially dependent on him and feel like we're going nowhere because of it. He earns around £43k, we live in a rented house and he has three children from his previous marriage so pays a lot of maintenance and a lot in travel expenses to see them once per month. We're engaged but can't afford a wedding, we can't afford to save for a house or go on holiday. I can't spare the odd few pounds for a magazine or anything for the kids.

Before we met I had a part time job as a school receptionist, I'd just graduated from a great uni with a first and was planning to train as a teacher. The kids and I could afford weekends away and the odd treat and had a better quality of life. Now I can't afford to train as a teacher because of the childcare costs, I can't be a childminder until the children are older because the landlord won't allow it. I just feel like we're stuck being poor with no way to change things as we are. I love DP but just 'existing' with no money and no plans for the future feels like a waste of our lives. Am I being a materialistic cow?

OP posts:
PtolemysNeedle · 11/02/2015 10:54

You aren't existing, you are bringing up the seven children that you have created between you. If you wanted more disposable income, you should have probably thought about that before having more children.

pbwer · 11/02/2015 11:04

Ahh the grass is always greener

expatinscotland · 11/02/2015 11:09

You don't need a wedding to get married. You don't even need rings.

And yeah, you sound materialistic. Chosing to have 7 children between you both is an expensive choice. It's pretty nasty to expect one person to support all that and provide 'treats', too or you leave.

bloodygorgeous · 11/02/2015 11:14

Didn't all this occur to you before you got together with him and had two more children?

I'm sorry but you are just selfish irresponsible, you really are.

Now you want more upheaval for all the kids by splitting because you realise it's all finanically and practically unmanageable?

Fucking hell.

ghostyslovesheep · 11/02/2015 11:18

Why did I give up work?

Leaving to become a lone parent on benefits would be crazy

To be fair you both chose to have seven kids - maybe look for another job?

ghostyslovesheep · 11/02/2015 11:19

You not I - phone playing up

championnibbler · 11/02/2015 11:19

YANBU.
It's crap being skint, especially if its due to some aspect of a relationship.
there seems to be no sign of respite either, does there?
i've been there and i bailed in the end.
i was simply fed up of being broke all the time.
money isn't everything. but you are entitled to have a decent life.

BauerTime · 11/02/2015 11:32

But Champion what's going to get better if OP leaves?

She will likely then be a single parent to 4 young children. How will she fit a PGCE and a job around that? Let alone afford the childcare to facilitate it!

OP do you want out of your relationship for any other reasons than you are skint and feel like you are missing your chance to train as a teacher? Because I don't think you can blame your DP for that. If you do really want out there must be something else.

formerbabe · 11/02/2015 11:37

Why is everyone giving the op such a hard time for having more children? On threads about benefits on here the usual concencus is that benefit claimants are entitled to have as many children as they want while the state picks up the tab, and no one can criticise... so why is the op getting it in the neck when her dp works?!

Quitelikely · 11/02/2015 11:42

Oh god I sympathise with you but realistically you have made your bed and must lie in it because all these dc are going nowhere.

Don't give up hope of the future improving. Accept that the next few years will be difficult in a few ways but time passes children go to school and you can go back to get your teaching certificate.

Patience is whats needed here. Sending strength.

LadyLuck10 · 11/02/2015 11:45

Then why did you bring two more children into this situation as you knew full well his commitments previous to having them. And surely childcare costs are no surprise as well so you knew about that beforehand. I think it would be hugely unfair on your dc to break up over this.

FightOrFlight · 11/02/2015 11:45

You either love him or you don't.

If you don't, then leave and become a single parent. If you do, then stay with him and put up with short-term belt tightening until you can go back out to work and start earning some money.

emotionsecho · 11/02/2015 11:46

If you leave you will presumably be a single parent to 4 children only two of which your current dp will be contributing towards, bearing in mind he also contributes to 3 from a previous relationship you will not receive any great largesse from him to support you.

Does your older children's father contribute to their upbringing.?

GotToBeInItToWinIt · 11/02/2015 11:48

DH earns over 50k and we only have one DD and still have no money left for magazines as rent etc in the SW is extortionate!

Why would you have more money if you left him? You'd have 4 children to look after. You'd still need childcare to do a PGCE and to go back to work.

How do you think your DH feels? I bet he was much better off before taking on your 2 children who he is supporting, and then having a further 2. He hasn't left you over it.

'For better for worse'?

TheFriar · 11/02/2015 11:50

OP I would encourage you to be VERY materialistic and to check exactly how much you would be able to do if you were single again.

Apart from the fact you would be missing out on your DP and his practical help, hie much money do you think you would have? How much free to eveoukc you have? How much childcare cost would be?

To be really honest, a few years ago, it felt like it would be easier financially for us if we separated. We had two young dcs at the time and one wage.
Except that actually the life I would have had would have been harder financially and practically (eg for you, how would you organise visits to both sets of fathers, what if they only settle to having the dcs on alternate weekends with each other so yor dcs never spend a weekend together? Etc)

expatinscotland · 11/02/2015 11:52

They aren't married, Go.

OfaFrenchMind · 11/02/2015 11:54

Wow. I would not want to be this poor smuck. He is both your sperm bank and your money bank...

inlawsareasses · 11/02/2015 12:03

What maintenance do you receive from your children's father to pay for them?
You can't resent maintenance to his children when he's supporting two of yours!

GotToBeInItToWinIt · 11/02/2015 12:04

Ah yes, missed that expat.

Still feel sorry for him!

Joulea · 11/02/2015 12:08

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

browneyedgirl86 · 11/02/2015 12:09

What do you have to gain by leaving? If you are feeling the strain financially with your DP there, how would that improve without him? I genuinely can't understand that.

If you don't love him and don't want to be with him, that's different but you say you do. It will get better and easier but right now it will be hard. I think yabu.

ChippingInGluggingOn · 11/02/2015 12:19

Why?

Original poster
AlmondAmy · 11/02/2015 12:21

He doesn't support my dc - the maintenance from their father coverseeverything for them. Baby one was planned when my step children lived 5 mins away. His exW then moved 200 miles away and so dp pays maintenance, petrol and hotel costs during contact. Then his vasectomy failed and along came our newborn.

I love all the children of course and wouldn't change them for the world. I guess I feel overwhelmed this month because the two older dc remember we had money for trips, new dresses and presents for parties etc before dp but now we don't. He's away with work Monday-friday in a hotel so I have no practical help. We're sat under blankets because we can't afford the heating costs and budgeting for balanced meals and he's staying in nice hotels, visiting the gym and sauna, eating out every night etc. It just doesn't seem fair.

OP posts:
expatinscotland · 11/02/2015 12:28

'because the two older dc remember we had money for trips, new dresses and presents for parties etc before dp but now we don't. He's away with work Monday-friday in a hotel so I have no practical help. We're sat under blankets because we can't afford the heating costs and budgeting for balanced meals and he's staying in nice hotels, visiting the gym and sauna, eating out every night etc. It just doesn't seem fair.'

Not fair? You are the one who chose to get with him, knowing he had 3 children already to pay for, knowing what he made and the kind of job he had, and give up your job and training goals to move in with him and have two more children.

Why is it all his fault and so unfair? No one forced you to change the life you had to move in with him and have more children.

SoonToBeSix · 11/02/2015 12:29

Yes but your dp is away working , not on a jolly. You really are not being rational.