to ask if I'm being materialistic for considering leaving over this?

[AlmondAmy]

Before I met DP I was a single parent to my 7 and 5 year old, we've since had a 2 year old and 2 month old. I hate being financially dependent on him and feel like we're going nowhere because of it. He earns around £43k, we live in a rented house and he has three children from his previous marriage so pays a lot of maintenance and a lot in travel expenses to see them once per month. We're engaged but can't afford a wedding, we can't afford to save for a house or go on holiday. I can't spare the odd few pounds for a magazine or anything for the kids.

Before we met I had a part time job as a school receptionist, I'd just graduated from a great uni with a first and was planning to train as a teacher. The kids and I could afford weekends away and the odd treat and had a better quality of life. Now I can't afford to train as a teacher because of the childcare costs, I can't be a childminder until the children are older because the landlord won't allow it. I just feel like we're stuck being poor with no way to change things as we are. I love DP but just 'existing' with no money and no plans for the future feels like a waste of our lives. Am I being a materialistic cow?

I can see its a tough existence for you with dp away all week and a new babe, toddler & 2 more dcs - whew, I'm not sure I could cope with that? Also makes it harder for you to think about juggling training / work again I imagine.

In your position I would really really want dp back full time. Even if things were financially even tighter to begin with, you could begin to make your own plans to be earning too. I do get what you say re lack of financial independence - for you, and also what you are 'modelling' for dcs.

Do remember though that had you gone back to studying with just the two dcs, money would have got tighter anyway?

Sounds like it is very hard for you to have any fun right now. Does dp know how you feel? Do try to take some small pleasures where you can. I'm sure with 4 dcs there are many more joys ahead, hang on in there.

BUT she must have known all this beforehand. That's what people are saying. He's always had three DC who live far away to support/travel to see - he's always had a job that involves him working away. The OP chose to move in with him anyway and then chose to have a DC (I appreciate the 2nd was not planned). That was never going to be easy or a life full of riches. But it's the life she chose.

OP, at the end of the day, if you're not happy, you're not happy, but I don't think it's smart to make a decision when you're in the fog of sleep deprivation with a newborn and no support 5 nights a week. Of course you're resentful, but you need to look at the bigger picture.

If you leave, the fact is you will not be as well off as you were before you moved in with your DP. You have four children now, and as your DP has three other children to support, his maintenance sums won't be huge. You also won't get much relief from having the DC if he works away AND visits his other DC one weekend a month. It WILL be harder than it was before. If you love your DP and he supports you (which he does, purely because you live together, so there's no point arguing otherwise), don't throw it away over something that won't improve if you separate.

Nobody is saying your life is easy BUT it is a life you chose when you moved in with someone with children and a job that takes him away during the week. 43k between nine people is never going to go far no matter how well you budget.

I'll go against the tide and say I know how it feels to be in a similar situation.

I was a single mum (working) with a nice lifestyle before I met DP. Then we got together, had another DC and I've never got that lifestyle back.

I got help with childcare a a single parent that you can't get as a double income couple which often means the woman is stuck at home unwillingly. That's not a nice situation to be in.

An unplanned baby thrown into the mix has obviously brought the situation to even more of a crisis point.

I'm also wondering why he couldn't/didn't object to his DCs moving hundreds of miles away. I've often heard before on mumsnet that mums are forced to stay somewhere they don't want to live as the ex has gone to court to stop them moving to maintain contact.

OP hopefully you will be able to ride this out. The DCs will grow, his previous will be able to get the train to him and yours will start school so you can get on with training/work.

You just have to tell yourself it's not forever.

Well he can either refuse to go away on work trips - when I think OP will find their family is suddenly worse off than before - or he can go on work trips and sit in his room with the heating off and a blanket. Neither of this is going to make things feel better for OP...

You sound really stretched OP, can he not even just book a week off to give you a bit of support? Being alone with 4 kids, including a newborn, isn't any fun, and you're allowed to be fed up, but I don't see what choices your DH has here.

Iggi but I imagine that the novelty may soon wear off

The point is though that to a mum of 4, coping on her own, it sounds like absolute bliss. To know that her DP is doing this week in week out whilst she is getting no sleep or respite. It is irrational as he HAS to do this to pay the bills, but it could build resentment all the same.

Of course it's easier being on a work trip than looking after four children on your own!

I don't think anyone would dispute that. I work FT but I fully admit being at home with young kids a new baby is much much more stressful.

But again it's totally not the point.

This IS his job - to say he can 'refuse to go on work trips' is very naive. I have never been on a work trip that I don't absolutely have to go on and in his case it seems to be a big part of his job.

Would you qualify for one of the teacher training schemes that pay you while you train? I think there are several, some of the salaries aren't bad, especially if you would be teaching a subject they're short of teachers in like maths. Would that be an option in a year or so time when your littlest is a bit older?

Agree with BauerTime.

When my OH comes home on the weekends expecting the house to be pristine (I work and have 3 teenagers) , moans he's tired etc I do think hang on a minute, the only person you need to think about all bloody week is yourself - you don't even have to cook or think about meals - and he has a cleaner (in a Travel Lodge style room!!).

That can build massive resentment.

It's not others peoples money though - it's theirs

Well he has reason to resent you too, if you want to play that game. You get to spend time with your kids and see them grow up. He has to squeeze seeing kids into weekends, and splitting weekends between two families at that.
It must be really tough for you. But I don't think irrationally resenting each other is the way forward. And you both knew things would be tight supporting such a large family on such a salary. Hang in there . It won't last forever. You'll be able to train and earn too. And you'll have a lovely large family. There are women who would give their eye teeth for that.

Babycham- your attitude needs to get to fuck.

OP, your knackered, you've got no support and it's a shit time of year, add a shortage of money into the mix and anyone would be tempted to be thinking/acting drastically.

Wtf, posters aren't just pointing that out to you, I don't know.

There are very few women with a toddler and newborn who haven't had off days/weeks.

You should have heating though and I agree with going through your budget.

I had two more children to my DH and my eldest (10) resented the life change, for a while, at 29, she loves the family we have, she is an Aunty.

I would post in chat, be wary of Relationships, I think there's too much "leave" suggested.

I would try to look as positive as possible for a couple of months, until you have recovered a bit more from giving birth/having a newborn and the weather is better.

Weather

Re: taxpayers money - I think Babycham was referring to claiming tax credits if she leaves her DP so that she will be 'better off'. The OP doesn't appear to be saying she wants to leave him and get a job.

I can't believe this thread. Yes, woman, huddle under your blankets with the children while your man relaxes in a sauna. That's his JOB you know, he's at WORK you know

OP, it's tough right now but you know it will get better or you wouldn't have had this most recent baby. This isn't forever, they'll grow up a bit and you'll be able to go back to work and you'll have spare money again. Please try and sort some heating out though!!

OP's ability to get, say, a part-time job in the evenings (presumably not at 2 months post-partum!) is massively affected by a dp who works away and relies on her for childcare all week. Is his job one that must be carried out in this way, has he looked into taking his skills into a different line of work? Even with a bit less money, but more practical support, I think it would be worth it. At least you'd feel the two of you were "in it together".

What are you on about Rina?

Why make this about men and women or some shit about enabling men and their work.

I work FT, dh is SAHD.

I have to work, I have to work abroad sometimes.

It's life. OP knew what his job was and SHOULD have known how it would go with him working away, one wage and SEVEN kids to support!!

Yes it's harder to be at home with four young kids than be out at work but one of them bloody well needs to work to support all these kids - simple as that.

My DH works away a lot too. While away he eats out (no kitchen in his hotel room), gets taken out by clients and uses the hotel gym. He doesn't have to pay for any of that so it's not taking food out of my/DC's mouth. I admit I am sometimes envious of him, it sounds much nicer than being up all night with a teething toddler, however I dare say he's envious of me getting to stay at home with DD and not work.

Lumpen I doubt very much he is paying for the sauna, I assume it is part of the hotel. I may be wrong though. I've never known anyone have to pay for themselves on a business trip unless self employed.

if he is on 43k (which is well above most people's salary), then I suppose he has a fair bit responsibility and it doesn't surprise me that travel is involved. You don't earn that kind of money in a junior role with a very flexible working pattern. So I think you very unreasonable to begrudge the perks that come with his job. I guess he has a lot of stress too and it is not just hotels sauna

You complain thst you have no support during the week.how is that suppose to get better as a lone parent??

I think it is also very unreasonable to expect the taxpayer to pick up the tab. 4 children are a lot and this is the choice you
Made.

also, have you considered your DH in all this?

I can't stand all the tough love - it does sound objectively really, really awful for you and your DH. Try and be kind and talk and talk until you come up with a plan to boost money - can you leverage any family support such that you work weekends or evenings when your baby is a bit bigger? I don't think you are lazy at all, but I think you need to sit down together and have a good think about what can be done - I don't for one second see the situation as hopeless, but you need to consider all options including dh job hunting for a job without travel or a job with travel that pays a little better and run through all the scenarios.

This will pass op. You need to suck it up for now and focus on the good. It's a rubbish time of year but spring is round the corner. I'd start making mega plans for when you can realistically move forward with re training and work etc. SO that when the time comes you are totally ready to get on the right course and fly. Maybe see if you can volunteer with kids later on in the year/next year to bolster your experience and do something for you.

Yeah and as gen35 says, talk and plan.

I'm actually surprised so many people are sticking up for you on here. I feel for your husband. You're thinking of leaving him because the (decent) amount he earns isn't enough for you. Do you even love him or is he just good for money. I wouldn't dream of leaving my husband for that reason and also expect taxpayers money because I had kids I couldn't afford. And I'm not sure how happy your kids would be that they don't live with their dad so they could get their magazines and treats. As harsh as this sounds I get that it's hard and you want more for your kids. I wouldn't want to be in your shoes, but you need to give yourself a wee talking to. Don't take his kids off of him. Maybe research other ways to make money or ways to get his hotel bills down when he has contact with his kids/switching energy providers/insurances etc anything you can do on your end

Op I really feel for you. I can't imagine how soul destroying it must be that life has come to this. But, as pp have said, this will not be forever.