to ask if I'm being materialistic for considering leaving over this?

[AlmondAmy]

Before I met DP I was a single parent to my 7 and 5 year old, we've since had a 2 year old and 2 month old. I hate being financially dependent on him and feel like we're going nowhere because of it. He earns around £43k, we live in a rented house and he has three children from his previous marriage so pays a lot of maintenance and a lot in travel expenses to see them once per month. We're engaged but can't afford a wedding, we can't afford to save for a house or go on holiday. I can't spare the odd few pounds for a magazine or anything for the kids.

Before we met I had a part time job as a school receptionist, I'd just graduated from a great uni with a first and was planning to train as a teacher. The kids and I could afford weekends away and the odd treat and had a better quality of life. Now I can't afford to train as a teacher because of the childcare costs, I can't be a childminder until the children are older because the landlord won't allow it. I just feel like we're stuck being poor with no way to change things as we are. I love DP but just 'existing' with no money and no plans for the future feels like a waste of our lives. Am I being a materialistic cow?

But he DOES support them by working and paying for a roof over their head, bills, etc, surely? Or does your ex pay 1/2 of all of your household costs?

I don't see how you'll have more money if you leave - you have 2 more children now!

I think leaving because of money is silly. As a PP said you either love him or you don't.

I think it is ok to sometimes privately feel a bit resentful of maintenace.

I say this as OH ex wife took him to CSA when he was paying £400 a month, he was living away at BFPO address so used my address.

They did not take into account the £200 a month he was paying in petrol, he was ordered to pay £600 a month and we were deemed as living together so I lost £400 a month in tax credits.

It is sometimes hard to know she is out on the piss a lot, spending money on ridiculous things and the kids turn up in tatty clothes etc, and we have had to do massive belt tightening.

It will not last forever though, we entertain at home and when he is here we are not bothered about going out we stay in have a drink and watch films etc.

I took my kids away abroad using my Tesco vouchers (he uses a LOT of petrol ).

I used to buy magazines and stuff but there is so much guff to read online these days I never bother anymore as they are expensive.

Have you been through everything with a fine tooth comb to see where you might make savings?

It's the time you have together that is important not the things you have.

Oh OP - it does sound difficult, but I can't see how leaving would help matters at all. Are you claiming everything you are entitled to in terms of benefits? Are you getting maternity pay? Is there any way you could make some additional money from home?

It does seem unfair that your husband's ex wife's move has caused him so much additional expense. Do you think she would consider come kind of compromise regarding access such as the children coming to see you every so often? Are the children old enough to be put on a train or coach?

You haven't answered the question as to why you think you'll be better off as a single parent? Surely you won't be able to do a PGSE as you'll have to get a job to provide for yourself?

OP surely he pays for the heating?

So put e heating on and let him pay for it, surely?

Or is he begrudging you that while hes in the sauna? In which case, this thread should be about financial abuse and a controlling partner, not all the other stuff.

Gottobe because he will be paying her maintenance too. Maybe he will have to forgo his sauna so she has enough money to keep his children warm.

Well I can't see how it's your DP's fault. He earns £43K per year which is a fair amount. Between you there are seven children to be provided for. Most people would find that financially challenging. Not sure what to suggest here. When your youngest starts school you could look into teacher training.

That's quite a leap, Lump. He is away for work to support all his kids, not a lad's jolly. The employer pays for his lodging and food whilst he does his job. Earning around £43k but supporting a family of 7, it doesn't go far.

'Maybe he will have to forgo his sauna so she has enough money to keep his children warm.'

He's away for work, you know, to pay the rent and support seven children, his partner and himself.

I was going to say the same - are you sure you are claiming everything you can?

What does your budget look like?

Can you consider a part-time job when your children are a bit bigger?

Where does it say his company pays for his lodgings and food?

OP

Why do you think your choices in life are different to anyone else's?

I'm bloody lucky that I have three daughters and a high salary BUT I chose not to have more (we really wanted to) as we coudln't predict the future and thought it would be too risky practically and financially.

I suppose I could have just given up my job, had a baby because I wanted to then moaned about the sacrifices I then had to make because for some unknown reason we found ourselves in a less lucrative position?

expat is the gym, sauna and food out every night work?

I think you need to be patient, we were at our skintest with DH working away a lot and me sahm as little choice. But things improve as they become more independent.

'Where does it say his company pays for his lodgings and food?'

Have you ever heard of a company that sends an employee on assigment to do work for them and expects them to pay for their hotel and food whilst they do that? He is away working, to pay for the rent and seven people to live.

Not until her youngest is 5 gottobe. Actually it sounds like you would be financially better of as a LP OP. IS, CTC, CB and HB would definitely assure you could afford decent food and heating.
You clearly get very little support with childcare if he's only home at weekends and I assume some of his weekends are spent visiting his other dc. You're pretty much a LP already by the sounds of it.

The issue is not lack of money, the issue is having 7 children to support on one salary. That didn't just happen overnight.

If you leave your DP you will still have 4 children to support, so you will still struggle to study or have a career until the little ones are at school as the childcare costs will be so high.

You have a 2 month old. You are overwhelmed. You are probably exhausted. Because of that you are building up resentment towards your DP. Have you spoken to him about all this? Have you asked him for a bit more support emotionally.

expat is the gym, sauna and food out every night work?

it's all paid for by his employer though, presumably? Most employers who pay for employees to stay in hotels also provide food and a lot of hotels have gym/spa facilities included in the price. How is that a jolly? He's away from his partner and children most of the week to earn money - it's hardly a party.

'expat is the gym, sauna and food out every night work?'

Quite possibly, yes, if the job involves entertaining clients.

If not, there is likely not a kitchen in the hotel room.

Lots of hotels have gyms that are free for guests to use, and sauna rooms attached to them.

No extra cost.

good that is a presumption though? We need the OP to come back and clarify though.

Shes taking a back seat some what, here.

I would chew my arm off for a week of work that involved a sauna at night and a large bed with clean sheets and no night feeds - come on, whether there's much alternative or not, how can anyone look at the set-up and think the woman home alone with four kids and a newborn is being unreasonable!
Is he going to be working away like this for ever OP? (And some weeks not home at all due to seeing his other dcs). Could he bring you with him sometime?!

I think maybe he is visiting gyms and saunas at the hotels he stays in during his working week, rather than paying a membership somewhere at the expense of heating the family home. Although I may have read that wrong OP?

It sounds like maybe if you are stuck at home all week, looking after 4 children alone, then your DP's life of being away from the family all week living it up eating in restaurants and having lots of free time sounds amazing. I know it does to me and I only have 1 DC and a DH to help me!

But the reality of it is probably that he is lonely all week, wishing he was at home with his family.

If it is being paid for by the employer, which would be the normal situation, it makes no difference to the family budget, other that not having to feed him during the week.

If he's paying for it, then he's a mug who needs to renegotiate or get another job.

Either way, OP is entitled to feel drained and exhausted as she's coping alone with 4 kids including a newborn all week by herself, which would be enough to send most of us over the edge occasionally. However that's a separate point to the finances, which clearly only barely stretch to cover expenses but there is no easy fix to that.

At one point dh was staying in a "Travel Tavern" (a la Alan Partridge) Monday to Friday. Yes, he had meals, oodles of heating, oodles of gym time, oodles of time to do whatever he wanted. And I was on my own.

Dh absolutely hated it. As someone said, he wasn't with a pack of mates. He was reduced to listening to the whole of This Sceptred Isle he got so bored.

He often stays away now, and texts me photos of some darn fine-looking hotels. But that comes with his job . I am wearing two fleeces at the moment but I don't begrudge dh a complimentary fruit basket and a fluffy bathrobe, any more than he resents me getting up an hour after he does and surfing the net in my pyjamas.

It's a complete red herring what he's specifically doing or not doing on his WORK trip!! So what if he's actually eating or using a spa facility. It's WORK. He has to go. It's part of the £43k that is keeping the family afloat.