Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Good mother or total spoil sport?

280 replies

Mumtotherescueagain · 05/02/2015 18:42

Dd is angry with me. She has hatched a plan to go to a well known fun park at the end of her study leave, with friends. This would be around a 2 -2 1/2 hour journey involving motorways. There would be 4-5 people in the car driven by a female driver who would have passed her test at the absolute most 3 months before.

I have absolutely refused to allow her to do this. She is 17. I have told her why which is because I don't think it's safe. I have told the reality of this situation, the first funeral I ever attended was a girl the year above me at school killed driving with friends in the car.

I feel wretched about this because dd is having a tough time atm and she is angry with what I've said but I can't help that. I don't think it's safe.

AIBU?

OP posts:
TheHermitCrab · 05/02/2015 18:45

I think YABU. The girl has passed her test and it's perfectly reasonable for your daughter to be going on a trip out to a theme park. As horrible as your past situation with your school friend, you have a right to be worried but you can't push your fears of car crashes onto your daughter.

SaucyJack · 05/02/2015 18:45

I had my own bedsit when I was her age. I most certain was not asking my mother's permission to go on a day out.

I can't believe you said no, and I really can't believe she's taken any notice of you.

HowCanIMissYouIfYouWontGoAway · 05/02/2015 18:46

is there a compromise anywhere? An adult who can drive them all? Split the cost of a minibus hire?

If you were to talk to all the parents and say yes, it's a nice idea, but can we get together for a different option for the transport, do you think that would go anywhere?

SleeplessSeattle · 05/02/2015 18:46

I think YABU as well, though I can see why you're worried. You can't stop her going in a car ever, and she's been open with you about a pretty harmless trip - it's definitely the norm to go ona theme park trip at the end of study leave as you beat the summer holiday queues!

HowCanIMissYouIfYouWontGoAway · 05/02/2015 18:48

meant to say that I too would be very concerned about someone who had passed their test max 3 months before doing motorways. How much motorway driving could they realistically have done by then?

bshorty · 05/02/2015 18:48

Can you and another parent drive them and then do your own thing when you get there, or may be get a reputable minibus firm. Try find a solution before cancelling trip completely.

ThatBloodyWoman · 05/02/2015 18:48

YABU.
At 17 I didn't even live at home...
I can understand you being worried though,so voice your concerns to her,then trust her.

sosix · 05/02/2015 18:49

Can you stop here? Shes very nearly an adult? How about you drive?

TheHermitCrab · 05/02/2015 18:49

At 17/18 a lot of my friends were travelling to raves, camping in ridiculous places, getting drunk underage...etc. I think you clearly have a responsible daughter if she has "hatched a plan" to just visit a theme park. It's not exactly wild. And at 17 I think is a bit nuts to ask permission for such a thing, but it's nice she has.

Trust her. I disagree with the poster who said "can an adult drive them" If someone can drive they can drive. Or they wouldn't/shouldn't be on the road.

Evelight · 05/02/2015 18:50

YANBU. This is like (one of) my nightmare scenarios for when my kids get older.

irregularegular · 05/02/2015 18:53

I'd be a bit nervous too, but I think you just have to let them go. They are old enough to decide for themselves what they want to do on a day out and it would be overbearing of you to try and stop them.

Just make 100% sure there won't be any alcohol involved. And encourage the friend to get some motorway practice first, otherwise she will find it hard to do a long trip. Could you even offer to go out with her?

pilates · 05/02/2015 18:53

YABU

TheHermitCrab · 05/02/2015 18:53

Evelight

Nightmare scenario? IF the worst my daughter can hatch up at the age of 17 is to travel to a theme park with her friends I would be glad she has the sense to do something fun but sensible.

Just because someone is young and passed their test doesn't mean they are going to be driving around like an idiot with music blasting trying to get themselves in a crash. More likely to be more cautious on the motorway.

angelohsodelight · 05/02/2015 18:53

I don't think you are being unreasonable at all. It's s long journey fit a newly qualified driver, with her friends. I would say no too.

Original poster
Mumtotherescueagain · 05/02/2015 18:53

The lass hasn't even taken her test yet. They are assuming she will have done and have a car by then. For all I know it may well be the first motorway journey she does. Yes I can stop her. Whilst she lives with me I am responsible for her.
I only passed my test a few years ago myself. I know exactly what it's like getting to grips with driving in the 'real world' . People need to do it, they need to get experience. They do not need to get that experience with my kid in the car.

Of course I could take her. I have already offered to take leave and do so. That is apparently not acceptable.

OP posts:
CupidStuntSurvivor · 05/02/2015 18:54

She can live independently of you at this age. You need to remove some of the bubble wrap and let her learn to make some independent decisions.

My DM tried grounding me over something similar when I was 18. I moved out and ended up doing it anyway.

LokiBear · 05/02/2015 18:54

I don't think you are being unreasonable. Overly cautious - yes but not unreasonable. I don't think you should stop her from going, but you should insist that she texts when she gets there and before she leaves to come home. Insist that seat belts be worn etc. I am dreading this part of parenthood. However, the reality is that lots of young drivers do these types of journeys. Driving in the day to a theme park is less worrying than driving in the middle of the night from a party. Flowers for you. I think you might get flamed on here but I get where you are coming from.

DisappointedOne · 05/02/2015 18:54

YABU.

Buy her some motorway lessons for after she's passed her test.

Original poster
Mumtotherescueagain · 05/02/2015 18:57

Why would I buy motorway lessons for somebody else's child? Hmm I did ask about Pass Plus though.

Doesn't matter how many lessons she has, fatigue is still an issue and this is a long journey and a long day with the added pressure of a car full of excited mates.

OP posts:
NerrSnerr · 05/02/2015 18:57

When does your daughter turn 18? Is she going to university this year? I would let her go, you have to let her grow up.

AnyFucker · 05/02/2015 18:57

my teenager passed their driving test 2 months ago

they are now regularly negotiating motorways to get to/from work....even in the recent icy/snowy weather

although I worry a bit and breathe a sigh of relief when the door opens and in they walk you have to let them do it or how do they learn ?

YABU I am afraid

PinkSnowAndStars · 05/02/2015 18:57

Yabu... She's old enough to make her own mind up...

I drove my friends to Alton towers 3 weeks after passing my test. 4 of us in the car. 3 hour drive. We were sensible, it involved motorways and we are all still here to tell the tale. my mum wasn't happy but couldn't stop me!

DeliciousMonster · 05/02/2015 18:57

Buy her some motorway lessons for after she's passed her test.

For the daughter's friend? That's extremely generous!

Sunnysideup5883 · 05/02/2015 18:57

Is that a total of 5 hours driving on one day? I think it's too bigger risk.

TheHermitCrab · 05/02/2015 18:59

Mumtotherescueagain

Yes I can stop her. Whilst she lives with me I am responsible for her. Then why even ask if YABU I am always confused why people ask if they are, only to argue the point that they aren't to anyone who says yes, you are.

You didn't say the person hadn't passed their test yet, so she may not even do so, plenty of people don't. And maybe she will take motorway lessons too if she is planning a speedy pass. Who knows?

Either way at 16/17 I had a lot of friends who were older than me who passed their test and I went along on many car journeys with them, motorway, a roads, b roads..etc. They are usually more cautious and aware than seasoned drivers (not always, but drivers of any age can be good or bad)

Too be honest I'm more scared in the car with my 70 yr old dad who's been driving for 50 years +. He's responses are way too slow and he's always making mistakes!