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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Good mother or total spoil sport?

280 replies

Mumtotherescueagain · 05/02/2015 18:42

Dd is angry with me. She has hatched a plan to go to a well known fun park at the end of her study leave, with friends. This would be around a 2 -2 1/2 hour journey involving motorways. There would be 4-5 people in the car driven by a female driver who would have passed her test at the absolute most 3 months before.

I have absolutely refused to allow her to do this. She is 17. I have told her why which is because I don't think it's safe. I have told the reality of this situation, the first funeral I ever attended was a girl the year above me at school killed driving with friends in the car.

I feel wretched about this because dd is having a tough time atm and she is angry with what I've said but I can't help that. I don't think it's safe.

AIBU?

OP posts:
Mehitabel6 · 07/02/2015 10:17

Hopefully it will stay that way, DoctorDoctor.

Once my son was driving he had to pick up another apprentice from the same village- it was not an option for his mother to insist on an older driver.

I think you have to be realistic. If they all go out for the evening and one person is the designated driver it isn't going to work if OP insists her DD gets a taxi. The most likely scenario is that she takes the lift and says that she got the taxi.

I am not pretending it isn't hard- I could never sleep until they were in - but a mother's job isn't easy. I find it much, much harder now they are all adults and you realise that all the things you used to worry about when they were little pale into insignificance.

ClumsyNinja · 07/02/2015 10:21

YANBU. I think the compromise solution is far more sensible, for the driver too.

A newly qualified driver driving a long distance after a full day's activities with a car full of excited teenagers is obviously far riskier than a twenty minute daily commute.

The smug boasty posts from parents of perfick teens and young adults have been entertaining though. Ta for that.

Mehitabel6 · 07/02/2015 10:29

This is one compromise- you would think it was going to be the only one- not the first of lots of similar schemes as they gradually all pass their tests.
You have to be realistic.

Mehitabel6 · 07/02/2015 10:31

What is OP going to do if they 'hatch the plot' to go to Ibiza after A'levels or have a gap year and travel to Australia?

SirChenjin · 07/02/2015 10:41

All you can do is make them very aware of the risks and make your feelings known - which is precisely what the OP did, and funnily enough, her DD has now changed her plans to something far more sensible. Win/win.

I'll go back to my earlier point that you disputed Mehitabel - it is perfectly possible for a 17 year old to become sensible as they mature into their early twenties - it is not "too late". You seem quite obsessed with numbers as opposed to recognising individual differences.

Mehitabel6 · 07/02/2015 10:54

Of course there are individual differences some mature early, some probably won't get there at all!
However, in the eyes of the law they are adults- they will be away from home and you won't have a clue what they are doing. Much better that they learn to risk assess for themselves and avoid dodgy, inexperienced drivers than have them mother do it for them- making that decision based on age alone and not a trip in tne car.
I keep saying the same thing- OP can pat herself on the back - she has got a sensible solution and one that gives her peace of mind - but it isn't a one off- it is the start of many similar situations.
It is scary- once they are adults they are out in the world and you can't keep control. ( some try but it doesn't do much for the relationship- as seen on lots of posts on MN)

Mehitabel6 · 07/02/2015 11:02

And what would you do with my son- be an embarrassing mother and tell his boss that you don't want him on the M4 aged 17yrs and 4 mths at 7am on a December morning? I had to let him get on with it.

frumpet · 07/02/2015 11:09

Motorway driving at the moment is tedious , the M1 seems to have a 50 speed limit on it for about 200 miles , if they are going in the summer it will probably be slower and even more boring .
I would be feeling like you OP , it is very difficult to explain the terror and fear to teenagers who largely believe they are immortal .

Mehitabel6 · 07/02/2015 11:17

I think we all know that terror! I certainly do!
I also know with 3 children ranging from 23 yrs upwards that there is going to be far more plans than one trip to a theme park.

StrawberryTot · 07/02/2015 11:25

YABU, she has passed her test!
I undertook a 3 hour journey less than a month after passing my test with 2 DCs in the car and the Frozen soundtrack on repeat play!!! I survived as did the DCs.

sashh · 07/02/2015 11:26

I think the problem is the journey back. It is difficult to explain how easily you can become tired and if there is no one to share the driving the driver will feel responsible.

Also have they factored in the cost of petrol? If you offer to pay them some spending money if they go by train they might find it is in their interests not to drive.

Mehitabel6 · 07/02/2015 11:32

Hiring a mini bus with driver is far more expensive than chipping in for petrol! As is going by train. The theme park shuts reasonably early- unlike being offered lifts home after a night at a party.

SirChenjin · 07/02/2015 11:37

Why do you (and your son) see yourself as 'embarrassing' for telling him no? My son is 17, he doesn't get embarrassed if/when DH or I occasionally say no. I don't know who he was driving with at 7am on a motorway, but it's irrelevant - this thread is about a group of teens in a car for 5 hours with an incredibly inexperienced driver after a long day at a theme park. That's a recipe for disaster - as any driving instructor, experienced motorway driver and insurance company will tell you. It's just basic common sense.

The OP put her foot down and perhaps the DD was able to see that actually, despite it being great fun, it maybe isn't a good idea to bolt myself into a lump of metal with an experienced driver going 70mph (or whatever fast speed it was). As teenagers, we don't tend to want to think of the practicalities - often it takes someone more experienced to say "uh-huh, ain't gonna happen, now what are the alternatives", which is what happened here, and which helps us to assess situations as we grow and mature. I doubt the OP is giving herself a 'pat in the back'.

Mehitabel6 · 07/02/2015 11:48

I will have my last word and hide the thread. Your children are growing up- they are months off being adults. You may not see them as this -but they will be adults. They will most likely be away from home and you won't know how late they are staying up and who they get lifts with. It is sensible to have got them making their own risk assessments.
I was non confrontational when young- I simply would have kept things secret from my parents if they were being too controlling.
I would be giving myself a pat in the back if OP - it is the solution I would want - I doubt many want their 17 yr old on a motor way with a new driver- I didn't.
HOWEVER - this is one of many similar situations- and soon you won't even know about most of them as they won't be under your roof.

Mehitabel6 · 07/02/2015 11:49

And when driving is a necessity of the job saying 'no' is not an option.

SirChenjin · 07/02/2015 12:03

If it's part of the job then obviously no is not an option. This thread is not about someone commuting on their own to a job though, is it.

I'm well aware that my DC are growing up - that's stating the obvious. For example, one of the teens walked the West Highland Way with a friend when they were both 15, wildcamped along the way, and the same teen is going on holiday to Paris with his girlfriend this summer. I don't believe in saying no unless I feel very strongly that it is a deeply unsafe thing, and certainly don't 'pat myself on the back' when I do - which is probably why neither he nor I feel 'embarrassed' when I do, and which is why he tends to take note of what we say. I'm fully aware that this will not continue as he gets older, but at 17 I still work with him to make him aware of any major risks he hasn't seen or thought of, for whatever reason - and occasionally put my foot down.

Ludways · 07/02/2015 12:09

I drove on the motorway the same day I passed my test, YABU

SirChenjin · 07/02/2015 12:19

Did you drive for five hours in a car full of your mates after a long day at a theme park many miles away the day you passed your test?

Weebirdie · 07/02/2015 12:26

Not letting our children drive unaccompanied for a few months after their test hasn't stopped them from back-packing round the likes of Vietnam and Cambodia, set up and run an NGO far away from home, and for one of them at least - end up flying aeroplanes with a few hundred people on board.

Original poster
Mumtotherescueagain · 07/02/2015 12:48

Strawberry - the lass in question hasn't passed her test yet. We don't know when she will. It could in theory be the day before this plan. It's not about her level of skill as such. It's about the dynamic involved and the fatigue involved both of which raised the risk level for me.

Frumpet - it would involve the M1 and that's another concern. The speed changes, frustration of other drivers etc is a factor in causing fatigue.

I am encouraging dd to learn herself soon and as I posted earlier we have already talked about passenger rules.

What I don't know about, I obviously can't express an opinion on. There will be loads of things like that and as the parent of one of my friends said to me when mine were all very small 'At some point you have to let them go and hope to hell you taught them right' and that is how I parent. This particular scenario on this particular occasion was not an occasion for letting go.

Those of you concerned about dd being locked in room will be pleased to know possible trips abroad have been mooted and both her dad and I are excited and enthusiastic about that.

Sirchenjin - I was interested to read that you rarely put your foot down and perhaps that's why it's listened to when you do. My experience is very similar and contrary to what I think a lot of readers of this thread have thought - I say no rarely but when I do, I expect dd to listen to me - and she does.

OP posts:
SirChenjin · 07/02/2015 13:24

Mum - I'm totally with you on this and think some of the posts on here have been very unfair. As you say, you can't stop things that you don't know about, but when something is an unsafe as piling a car full of teenagers with a driver who will have 3 months unsupervised driving experience at most, and driving that length of a journey for 5 hours then it's common sense to say no, let's look for alternatives.

Pick your battles is my motto, so when you do need to step in it's not seen as yet another no fromthe parents, it's seen as something which really isn't a good idea.

petalsandstars · 07/02/2015 13:33

Many years ago I was the new driver in this situation. My mum even let me take my 15yo sibling plus my mates. I was a very careful driver and we even survived calling out the aa to get us on the move again to come home.

This really isn't something that you should be against imo.

Knottyknitter · 07/02/2015 13:35

My DM had moments of control freakery like this.

I drove myself and DB to school 20 mins away daily in the rush hour when I was 17 (until her job moved and we all travelled together. DB (12) was sick in class one day and I had to drive him home. DM made me wait half an hour before driving back myself as it was "too far to drive in one".

Not only did I drive 6 hours to university a couple of months large, it wasn't long until I was driving the union minibus for club nights out!

DM learned to drive in her late 30s, and I think i saw the op learned later too. I wonder whether this is a factor in parental teen driving panic?

stuffthenonsense · 07/02/2015 13:35

I don't think anyone has said its not dangerous, but you did come to ask if we thought it was unreasonable of you to outright refuse to let her go. plenty of people have said you were unreasonable and most of those added that you were unreasonable for not negotiating an alternative with her. I don't understand why you asked if you were not going to take other people's opinions on board, I get the impression you wanted us all to agree with you so you could show your dd that all (reasonable) parents would agree with you. I'm very pleased you've all come up with an acceptable solution to keep everyone happy but it's pretty annoying that the other opinions that you asked for are being ignored.

SirChenjin · 07/02/2015 14:04

And plenty have also said the OP was reasonable (whilst avoiding making comments like 'smug' 'control freak' and the like). As it is, the OP's DD has already made other, more appropriate arrangements as a result, so a win/win.

And no need to 'wonder whether this is a factor in parental teen driving panic' Knotty - I learnt to drive when I was 18, passed at 19. DS is 17 and currently learning to drive. I would say no in the same way that the OP has because it's not a safe way to drive as a very, very inexperienced driver. HTH.

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