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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Good mother or total spoil sport?

280 replies

Mumtotherescueagain · 05/02/2015 18:42

Dd is angry with me. She has hatched a plan to go to a well known fun park at the end of her study leave, with friends. This would be around a 2 -2 1/2 hour journey involving motorways. There would be 4-5 people in the car driven by a female driver who would have passed her test at the absolute most 3 months before.

I have absolutely refused to allow her to do this. She is 17. I have told her why which is because I don't think it's safe. I have told the reality of this situation, the first funeral I ever attended was a girl the year above me at school killed driving with friends in the car.

I feel wretched about this because dd is having a tough time atm and she is angry with what I've said but I can't help that. I don't think it's safe.

AIBU?

OP posts:
Mehitabel6 · 05/02/2015 22:43

Much better to do a trip like that than be out in the car with them in the evenings which is bound to be on occasions.

Iliveinalighthousewiththeghost · 05/02/2015 22:45

Cautious is the word and who can blame you. The death of that poor girl must still haunt you.
There will come a time though when you can't legally stop her doing what she wants.
Your daughter is 17. I assume you've met her friends though and know if they're sensible or not. Mind you the last thing I want to do is add to your fears, but it's not always them you don't trust.

SistersOfPercy · 05/02/2015 22:48

I had a mother who 'calculated risks' for everything and decided to use the line 'whilst you are under my roof'. It was probably the biggest reason I left the whole stifling situation not long after my 18th birthday by simply packing up my crap and walking out. I didn't see nor speak to her again for twelve months.

There are times to bite your tongue. I wasn't happy when ds passed his test and headed to Blackpool three days later but that was his choice to make not mine.

I think YABVU personally and there is a good chance it will bite you on the arse eventually.

Mehitabel6 · 05/02/2015 22:50

Being a parent is never easy and it gets harder as they get older- it realy is pointless forbidding something that you are a few months, if not weeks, away from not being able to forbid.

Aridane · 05/02/2015 22:52

Not unreasonable to worry - but unreasonable to ban your near adult daughter

Hillingdon · 05/02/2015 22:53

The pass rates in the UK are between 45-60%, the driver might not pass and whose car will she be using?

Vvvoom · 05/02/2015 23:04

I've no idea whether you are BU stopping her or not but I am going to hate this kind of situation when dd is older. Remember so well picking up the local newspaper to discover one friend had been killed in a car crash - the driver was her inseparable best friend. We were all 19.

wouldliketoknow2 · 06/02/2015 07:15

YANBU OP. I too attended (when a teenager) the funeral of two sisters killed in a car along with the driver and another passenger Sad.

It's the potential that the driver would be distracted by the others in the car that would worry me. Yes she has go practice but not with a party going on in her car.

Alternative transport so they still get to go?

Sorry have not RTFT so this may be repetition.

wouldliketoknow2 · 06/02/2015 07:17

has to practise Blush

Mehitabel6 · 06/02/2015 07:21

Why would there be a party going in in the car? Confused
Within months she will probably be away from home and you have no idea which lifts she is getting.

tobysmum77 · 06/02/2015 08:11

good grief yanbu op. You learn to drive after you've passed your test not before.

I am Shock in comparison to the risk aversion on other threads. That said you may not be able to stop her (unless you are expected to pay)

muminhants · 06/02/2015 08:14

YANBU

Can't they go on the train?

AreYouListening1 · 06/02/2015 08:17

YABU and ridiculous, let her grow up FFS she's 17.

DropYourSword · 06/02/2015 08:24

Yes I can stop her. Whilst she lives with me I am responsible for her.

How?

Be careful you don't make this, or other future issues, into a battle of wills. You might not win. She's able to move out and live on her own at 17. She might feel like you are stopping her experiencing her freedom. You may push her away rather than keep her safe.

Plus, this is what 6-7 months down the line? I wouldn't even think about worrying about this right now.

Original poster
Mumtotherescueagain · 06/02/2015 08:26

Not sure how going on a long journey in a car driven by somebody else - an inexperienced someone else - is an essential part of 'growing up' Hmm

I am happy to pay or to transport myself. Apparently other parents agree with me and dd herself said last night she understood what I was saying. She is very sensible and mature (far more so than many mumsnetters) and won't go behind my back nor disregard what I'm saying. I'm quite shocked that so many of you have such simultaneously low opinions of your teens - they will lie and deceive and strop - whilst also expecting them to make adult decisions and get themselves out of any situation unscathed.

This thread has been very useful to me in helping me appreciate my clever, sensible , wonderful daughter. Thanks.

OP posts:
tobysmum77 · 06/02/2015 08:29

I think the other thing is that this poor girl who has been nominated to drive the length and breadth of the country hasn't even been on a motorway yet. That is actually a really unfair level of pressure, she may well have offered and now be really worried Sad

Coach is the way forward if it's the one I think it is.

SinglePringle · 06/02/2015 08:39

OP, what would you do of she were 18, still living at home and the driver was 17?

WizardOfToss · 06/02/2015 08:44

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Sallystyle · 06/02/2015 08:48

I passed my test just over a year ago and would not have felt comfortable driving on motorways just months after, but I think maybe you get more nervous about these things when you are older.

I would not want my child to be driven by a teen who has just passed her test on a long journey on a motor way in the dark when the driver is probably going to be tired and will still be a very inexperienced driver. No matter that you have past your test, you are still inexperienced just 3 months after. Of course not all teens will be silly in a car, they may all be very mature and sensible but the thought would turn my stomach. There is a reason why some countries ban the amount of passengers new young drivers can have in their cars, it is a huge well known risk.

However I wouldn't stop a 17 year old from making that choice. I might discourage it and offer alternatives like you have, but ultimately a 17 year old is almost an adult.

As a pp said, when she passes her test and doesn't have the security of a driving instructor with her or dual controls she may very well be nervous and decide its a bad idea but not feel able to say and let people down.

You are happy to pay for transport and that really is the wisest decision. If they want to go so badly and you are willing to pay for it there shouldn't be a problem should there?

StaircaseAtTheUniversity · 06/02/2015 08:48

Whilst I absolutely see your point, and I'm sure that I will be exactly the same when my DD is that age, at her age I was doing far more dangerous things. At 17 I was being driven around by my (secret, older, highly inappropriate) boyfriends best friend. He was (and is, he's now married to my best friend) a lovely man, but even though he was 27 and had been driving for 10 years, was (and is!) an abysmal driver. He once, totally sober, went the wrong way round a roundabout. It was just lucky it was 2am and there was no other bugger on the road.

Also my parents didn't even know I was seeing the boyfriend I was seeing or that his terrible driver friend was driving me around. Your daughter has been honest and it sounds like a really safe and innocent trip. I think you need to let her go. Sorry OP.

Sallystyle · 06/02/2015 08:50

Anyway the chances are she won't pass first time, most people don't and will have to wait a while for a re-test anyway.

For that reason alone arranging a coach is a sensible idea.

TooHasty · 06/02/2015 08:52

No way!! 17 is still a minor and it would be a no from me.
Also wouldn't it be better to go just after exams rather than just before?

BitOutOfPractice · 06/02/2015 08:53

Bloody hell OP you sound very smug. And you know what they say about pride and falls?

I think you're being a spoilsport. And a rather Victorian-sounding parent

KidLorneRoll · 06/02/2015 09:01

"She is very sensible and mature (far more so than many mumsnetters)"

That noise you here is a bunch of people who were only trying to help collectively going "oh, just fuck off".

KidLorneRoll · 06/02/2015 09:01

*hear