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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Good mother or total spoil sport?

280 replies

Mumtotherescueagain · 05/02/2015 18:42

Dd is angry with me. She has hatched a plan to go to a well known fun park at the end of her study leave, with friends. This would be around a 2 -2 1/2 hour journey involving motorways. There would be 4-5 people in the car driven by a female driver who would have passed her test at the absolute most 3 months before.

I have absolutely refused to allow her to do this. She is 17. I have told her why which is because I don't think it's safe. I have told the reality of this situation, the first funeral I ever attended was a girl the year above me at school killed driving with friends in the car.

I feel wretched about this because dd is having a tough time atm and she is angry with what I've said but I can't help that. I don't think it's safe.

AIBU?

OP posts:
Branleuse · 05/02/2015 18:59

Can you drive them? Offer to pay train fare/taxi?

I think youre being overprotective. I had left home at that age. Im not saying I wouldnt be worried, but I do think you need to let go

Stillwishihadabs · 05/02/2015 19:00

Blimey we drove to Cornwall (from London) to camp with out parents at 17 are you for real ?

Sparkletastic · 05/02/2015 19:01

Coach and overnighter in hotel there if you can stretch to it (and mates' parents can too)

FreeWee · 05/02/2015 19:02

Sorry but YABU. If she has passed by then she is legally fit to drive. And I certainly drove a lot more carefully in the weeks and months after I passed my test than I do now. Motorway driving is something she will get used to and I understand you'd rather she doesn't get this practice with your daughter but your daughter is 17 and will be doing lots of things you'd rather she didn't. I would sit her down and explain the risks and ensure your daughter is a second pair of eyes and ears for her friend the driver.

ChattyAndCatty · 05/02/2015 19:02

I think you are being slightly unreasonable to be honest, but I can totally see why.
You have already suggested a perfectly good compromise, if she doesn't want to take it then quite frankly it's her tough shit.
I moved out of home at 18, and while I was treated like an adult by my parents before I did, it was still very much a case of their house, their rules. I respected that. Your DD needs to as well or she needs to move out so she can make her own rules.
FWIW I think you are thinking of worst case scenario (as most parents are wont to do) and coupled with your experience of death by driving at a similar age, you've worked yourself up over it a bit.

I think DD needs to listen to your genuine concerns and instead of being angry, take on board why you are being 'unreasonable'. Of course the teenage girls mind doesn't work that way does it?

You never know, the girl may not even pass her test yet. A lot of people don't on their first try.

Original poster
Mumtotherescueagain · 05/02/2015 19:02

AF - your teen doesn't have a car full though do they? Or do they? It's that as much as anything that's the issue. There is plenty of evidence out there to show that passengers increase teens risk of an accident.

OP posts:
Shockers · 05/02/2015 19:02

Could you find something that you 'really need' to do or see in the area? That way, you might as well drive them and save them the petrol Wink.

tarashill · 05/02/2015 19:03

YANBU, just because her friend passed her driving test doesn't make her a good driver. That comes with experience. A car full of excited teenagers on a motorway with an inexperienced driver is very daunting. At that age they really do think they're invincible, they don't see any danger, you do. It's a tricky one because it makes you seem like a nagging spoilsport, but better that than the alternative.

Cantbelievethisishappening · 05/02/2015 19:04

YANBU. I totally understand your feelings. I would be the same

ahbollocks · 05/02/2015 19:04

I think minibus is the best idea.
But to be totally honest I think if you say no she will go anyway. ay this age too much bubble wrapping can lead to them having to lie to you and doing things you dont know about

DisappointedOne · 05/02/2015 19:04

Sorry, I read it as the daughter was the "female driver who would have passed her test at the absolute most 3 months before"

(although now I'm annoyed that apparently young female drivers are worse than young male drivers)

LaurieFairyCake · 05/02/2015 19:04

Your biggest mistake is making an issue of this now - it's months away when study leave and exams are over. Never say no to something this far in advance.

And you might feel differently in a few months. You know how quickly they're growing up and honestly you're going to have to get good at loosening the apron strings.

SocialMediaAddict · 05/02/2015 19:05

I used to go raving up and down the M1 younger than her. I think you are being unreasonable.

MrsTawdry · 05/02/2015 19:07

What the HELL has the drivers' sex got to do with anything!?

YABU. At this age I was driving with my mates all over the NW to go to raves!

Jackie0 · 05/02/2015 19:08

I understand where you are coming from. That poor girl whose funeral you attended , well that would leave a lifelong mark on anyone.
But please be careful about forbidding anything. Your dd is practically an adult . She doesn't have to abide by your wishes if she feels strongly enough. I have no personal experience but my gut says choose your battles. Its all about comprise at her age, she has earned it. Explain exactly how you feel and why but don't forbid anything . let it be a discussion between you both.
Worst case scenario if you come down too hard you will lose any influence you had.

Original poster
Mumtotherescueagain · 05/02/2015 19:08

Disappointed I mentioned the gender of the driver because actually I know that young male drivers are more likely to have an accident than female drivers. I was trying to give the full picture. If it was a lad planning to drive them I wouldn't even have wavered as much as I have done. It would be a 100% no.

She won't lie and do it anyway. That's not how she's made.

Apron strings already pretty loose actually. She went away by herself last summer. That's not the issue. The issue is this specific scenario is one I perceive as being additionally risk laden and I won't therefore consent to it.

OP posts:
TidyDancer · 05/02/2015 19:09

I wouldn't like it either, but you can't stop her from doing this if she decides to do it.

Viviennemary · 05/02/2015 19:09

I agree. I wouldn't be happy either with a young person doing this driving on a busy motorway. Get another adult to drive them. I know everyone has to learn but not driving with a carload of young passengers. No. Don't allow it.

PeruvianFoodLover · 05/02/2015 19:10

Yes I can stop her. Whilst she lives with me I am responsible for her.

This may be why she "hatched a plan" rather then discussed it openly with you from the start.

Next time, she'll be more careful and you won't find out in advance.

Personally, I'd rather know, and be able to give advice and support (if she thinks that her friend is tired, been drinking etc the suggest that your DD feigns illness, and calls you to pick her up, or suggest she "needs the loo" to break up the journey at a Service Station) rather than try and enforce draconian rules and not have a clue.

I too lost a classmate at the age of 17 to a car crash. Statistically it happens. But it's not the only (although I concede it is the biggest) killer of teens by any means and you can't protect her from all the risks she'll face.

TidyDancer · 05/02/2015 19:10

Op do you think that because she lives with you she needs your consent to do this?

Evelight · 05/02/2015 19:10

The whole "going on a road trip with my friends" at 17- yes, def one of the nightmare scenarios. There are far worst ones I grant you (getting raped at uni? teen pregnancy? cyberbullying followed by suicide? Just some of the things media kindly suggests is waiting to hit my lovely 12-yr old DD).

It's not even about trusting her, as an individual. But when they're in groups, they seem to transform into some loosy-goosy versions of themselves, they talk differently, walk differently, cackle, and common sense seems to go flying out of the window. DD when she is with her friends is a totally different creature.

First time on the motorway, you say. Dear god never.

Quiero · 05/02/2015 19:11

You're a good mother and a total spoil sport I'm afraid.

I was in a serious car accident as a child that killed my sister and left my mam paralysed. She worried everytime I went out in the car but would never dream of stopping me.

LittleMissRayofHope · 05/02/2015 19:12

Gosh, YABU.
When I was 17 I had moved from London to Newcastle on my own. My parents weren't chuffed but didn't try to stop me.

Also, if she passed the test why do you feel she won't be capable of driving? I passed my test then the first thing I did was drive from Newcastle back to London, all of 5 days later.
Length of license isn't relevant. If that's really your issue offer dd a train ticket. Or drive them yourself!!

tarashill · 05/02/2015 19:12

Blimey we drove to Cornwall (from London) to camp with out parents at 17 are you for real ?....... Why because the OP has concerns about her daughter's safety. She is a concerned parent, it's irrelevant that you drove from Cornwall to London safely. I'd find it more strange if she wasn't bothered.

AnyFucker · 05/02/2015 19:12

My teenager has driven with others in the car. I suspect I don't know the half of it Smile

But then, if they are old enough to pass a driving test, run a car, go out to work then I think old enough to be trusted to do these things

I appreciate you might not know that much about the driver in this case, but if I were your dd I would feel utterly pissed off at being treated like a child (which I would guess would be her perspective)