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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Good mother or total spoil sport?

280 replies

Mumtotherescueagain · 05/02/2015 18:42

Dd is angry with me. She has hatched a plan to go to a well known fun park at the end of her study leave, with friends. This would be around a 2 -2 1/2 hour journey involving motorways. There would be 4-5 people in the car driven by a female driver who would have passed her test at the absolute most 3 months before.

I have absolutely refused to allow her to do this. She is 17. I have told her why which is because I don't think it's safe. I have told the reality of this situation, the first funeral I ever attended was a girl the year above me at school killed driving with friends in the car.

I feel wretched about this because dd is having a tough time atm and she is angry with what I've said but I can't help that. I don't think it's safe.

AIBU?

OP posts:
PresidentTwonk · 05/02/2015 20:28

'Driven by a female driver'

So it would be fine if it was a male driver Confused

You can't control what she does at 17, she can move out and have her own children at 17!

bumbleymummy · 05/02/2015 20:29

YANBU I remember what it was like driving at that age with people in the car. Is there another way they could do it though? Maybe a bus/train so they still get their trip but without the driving?

Tinkerball · 05/02/2015 20:29

And how do you propose to stop her if she decides to go anyway, lock her in the house?

Mama1980 · 05/02/2015 20:31

Yabu unreasonable I'm afraid though I do understand the worry
I have a 17 year old dd myself. I would mention my worry and remind her to be careful but I'd not dream of stopping her.
I was living alone at 17 despite the fact I had a wonderful family I was in a car in many a similar situation.

puds11isNAUGHTYnotNAICE · 05/02/2015 20:33

At 17, my friend who was also 17 and just passed drove us 3.3hours to a theme park.

Merguez · 05/02/2015 20:34

Motorways are the safest roads to drive on - fewer deaths/crashes per miles travelled/number of cars etc.

Anjou · 05/02/2015 20:37

Only you know your daughter and her friends. ALL teenagers/young women get giddy in each other's company especially when given a bit of freedom. Most have the common sense to pay attention to the road though.

Honestly, I think it sounds crazy that you would say 'no' to her, and equally crazy that she would listen to you. She's 17! Like many others here, I moved to another part of the country aged 17, had been going out clubbing/raving etc since 14. The idea of my mother telling me I couldn't go in a friends car would be ludicrous. However, if your daughter is very young for her age, not experienced in travelling away from home for the day without you, a little naive perhaps and if her friends are the same then I guess maybe YANBU. Otherwise, YADefinitelyBU!!!

bumbleymummy · 05/02/2015 20:45

At 17 I very much would have still listened to my parents! I was still in school and I was living at home - their house- their rules!

TinklyLittleLaugh · 05/02/2015 20:48

Suggest another form of transport. Seriously if your daughter is moving in circles that can afford to insure a car for a 17 year old, then they are not going to be phased by the cost of a train ticket and a taxi.

Writerwannabe83 · 05/02/2015 20:50

YABVU.

She is 17, not 7.

I would have been MORTIFIED if my mom had tried to stop me.

What on earth do you expect your daughter to say to her friends?

" I can't come, my mom won't let me"

How ridiculous.

Summerisle1 · 05/02/2015 20:54

At 17 I very much would have still listened to my parents! I was still in school and I was living at home - their house- their rules!

You must have been an unusually compliant 17 year old then! Unless your parents gave you as much, unchallenged, freedom as you desired, of course.

Because most 17 year olds that I knew (from personal experience of being a 17 year old and from having 17 year olds) are usually adept at getting around what they see as unreasonable restrictions. They learn deceit. Which is actually much more worrying.

bumbleymummy · 05/02/2015 20:56

Summerise - actually, my friends were all pretty much the same. Yes, we went out and did things together but there were rules about where we could go, when we had to be back and when and where we could take the car. I'm pretty sure I would never have been allowed to take a full car down a motorway for 2 hours at that age and I don't think I would even have asked because I would have known the answer!

Agent160 · 05/02/2015 20:57

I can understand why you are worried. But I think you are being a bit unreasonable. I went off travelling round New Zealand for a year when I was just a little older than your DD - there were 2 of us that had passed our test. Me by 3 months and one by 3 weeks! Yes the roads were quieter there but there were also sheer drops, narrow winding mountain roads and a hell of a lot of snow!!

Speaking from my own experience, if my parents had said no to something like this I would have just done it and not told them. (That said, I also know if my mum had said she was really worried about me and didn't want me to do it, and pleaded for me to find another solution I would have caved!) By forbidding it and putting your foot down you could be setting yourself up for her to adopt a position of asking forgiveness rather than permission.

I'd wait and hope the plans change!

puds11isNAUGHTYnotNAICE · 05/02/2015 20:58

At 17 I did what the hell I liked regardless of what my parents said.

StillStayingClassySanDiego · 05/02/2015 21:04

I had this issue when ds1 had just turned 17 and his mate was wanting to drive them to a festival that involved a lot of twisty long boring drives and he'd only been fully licensed himself for a few months, I posted on teens at the time.

Dh drove them there after we discussed bags, camping stuff and how would xxx feel driving back after a night on the pop, that seemed to swing feelings and took the pressure off ds's mate.

Hillingdon · 05/02/2015 21:04

My DS is 17 and learning to drive. He has lessons but also lots of driving practise with his Dad. I haven't been in the car with him until last weekend. He was fantastic, much better than I thought. Seemed to realise the importance of what he was doing.

grumpasaur · 05/02/2015 21:20

Definite spoilsport. I was allowed to go camping / away / etc wherever really from 16 onwards, and backpacked around Europe for a year precisely 7 days after my 18th birthday. You are waaaay over protective!

PenguinVox · 05/02/2015 21:23

YANBU, especially since you have offered to drive her. I wouldn't want to do 2 motorway journeys in one day with someone who has just passed their test, regardless of their age.
The driver will be tired on the way home. It might be dark.
I know plenty of 17 year olds live on their own, have children etc and drive all over the place but you're in a totally different frame of mind when you're a parent driving your precious baby around compared with when you're driving a bunch of mates around and probably singing, chatting etc.

tarashill · 05/02/2015 21:41

No matter how old they are your children will always be your children. Try as you might you can't switch your worries off just because they reach a certain age. Obviously there comes a point when you have to untie the apron strings and let them make their own way in the world. Life would be so easy if we could just switch off and stop worrying about them. They're your babies, it's not gonna happen. Don't feel guilty OP, you're just being what a mother should be.

rembrandtsrockchick · 05/02/2015 21:49

Thankyou Sling.
x

KatherinaMinola · 05/02/2015 21:59

YANBU - I wouldn't want to be in that car. The fatal teenage car crash scenario has happened five times in my circle of acquaintances, so it's not an unreasonable worry, especially in the situation you describe.

I would go the route of suggesting they go by train - but I also realize that from their POV that would cut out a lot of the fun and adventure of it. Difficult one.

I do understand why you mentioned the gender of the driver, and I would feel slightly more reassured (but not much) that it's a female driver.

I agree that you can probably soft-pedal a bit since the trip is 3 months away and the test not passed yet.

Wh0dathunkit · 05/02/2015 22:12

YANBU - I still struggle driving when I've got a car full of people chatting when I'm trying to drive and I've been doing it 20 years.

Mehitabel6 · 05/02/2015 22:25

YABU. In a few months she is an adult and can do it without your permission. I am surprised she is asking you now, rather than just informing you.

Mehitabel6 · 05/02/2015 22:28

Of course you worry- all parents do. It is just perfectly reasonable and you keep the worry to yourself.
It is silly to forbid a trip up a motor way to a theme park when she can go to Thailand, Peru etc in a few months without you permission, if she can afford it.

Lucyccfc · 05/02/2015 22:38

I can understand your worry, but she is 17 and should be able to make these kinds of decisions for herself.

I passed my test at a similar age. Passed at 2pm on a Friday afternoon and at 6pm was driving down the M6 to Birmingham (from the NW) with my friends for a night out. Have to say that my Dad was a bit pissed off when I got home, as it was his car and he thought I was going out locally lol

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