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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Good mother or total spoil sport?

280 replies

Mumtotherescueagain · 05/02/2015 18:42

Dd is angry with me. She has hatched a plan to go to a well known fun park at the end of her study leave, with friends. This would be around a 2 -2 1/2 hour journey involving motorways. There would be 4-5 people in the car driven by a female driver who would have passed her test at the absolute most 3 months before.

I have absolutely refused to allow her to do this. She is 17. I have told her why which is because I don't think it's safe. I have told the reality of this situation, the first funeral I ever attended was a girl the year above me at school killed driving with friends in the car.

I feel wretched about this because dd is having a tough time atm and she is angry with what I've said but I can't help that. I don't think it's safe.

AIBU?

OP posts:
Trumpity · 05/02/2015 19:45

I'm 34 but still remember being that age like it was last week!
Then, I would've said YABU.

Now I have two daughters, YANBU. I'm going to be worried sick when they're older!!

drudgetrudy · 05/02/2015 19:46

I don't think YABU. Personally I would rather they all went abroad on holiday than ventured onto the motorway with a newly qualified teenage driver.
"Saucyjack* I'm surprised that you think you will have lost interest in your kids when they are 17.
I suspect you may find that you remain more concerned than you anticipate.

GokTwo · 05/02/2015 19:50

Op I do understand your feelings, I really do and can imagine myself being similarly terrified BUT then I remember that aged 16 I flew to America on my own to live with a different family. All my American friends drove at that age and I went everywhere with them. That summer, when I was 17 we went on a tour of various states, a 17 year old friend drove. It was brilliant! I can now see how brave my parents were for letting me do all these things! I totally get where you're coming from but I think yabu, sorry....it is hard!!!

ajandjjmum · 05/02/2015 19:52

Two things -

The driver has a lot of learning to do after her test - nomatter how sensible and good she is.

A car full of excited friends is not a good environment for concentration.

My DC passed their tests very shortly after their 17th birthdays, with one and two minors respectively (little brag going on there!) Grin, but the rule was that they could not have more than one passenger in the car until we decided they'd had enough experience. Infact, it was around six months post-test for both of them.

The only thing is, it's a big assumption that the planned driver will pass her test, so why not leave that battle to fight until nearer the time, and when your DD has concentrated on her revision?

YouTheCat · 05/02/2015 19:54

Which theme park is it? Some coach companies to trips to these places.

They could all go together on a coach and have a blast without having to worry about navigating and driving etc.

MisForMumNotMaid · 05/02/2015 19:56

YANBU. We had a big car crash in the year above me at 6th form. 5 boys in a car. It was so devestating for so many people.

Rather than an all out no and being the bad guy could you come up with some more sensible options that might appeal to them.

For under £100 you can go to Eurodisney by coach (pick up points country wide) You leave evening one day, arrive eurodisney early, leave late in the day then coach back overnight.

What about London a show and stay in a travel lodge - they could possibly have 4 in one room to keep costs low.

Jengnr · 05/02/2015 19:59

Goodness me, if piling into a car to go to a theme park is what my son wants to do at 17 I'll be delighted he's not taken after his mum decided to do something so wholesome.

YABU. Let her enjoy herself.

Stillwishihadabs · 05/02/2015 20:00

Can I ask OP when the risk assessment isn't your's anymore but her's. For example if she chose to have unprotected sex the law would be very clear that that was her risk assessment not yours. I have to deal with a lot of parents of undergraduates who don't seem to understand that they have no say so in the lives of their adult children.

rembrandtsrockchick · 05/02/2015 20:00

This is so difficult and I really understand where you are coming from. I also understand why your daughter is angry with you.

My eighteen year old niece was killed in a car driven by her best friend. They were not on a motorway and the car was travelling at forty miles per hour, it was a clear day with excellent visibility. They were on holiday.

My sons were eighteen and sixteen at the time and the elder one had recently passed his test. I lost count of the hours I spent fretting over him (and a year later his brother) whenever they were out in cars. I kept my worries to myself apart from always telling them to take care.

I still worry and I still try not to burden them with my worries...they are now 42 and 40 years old.

I don't know what else to say but I do feel for you.

Lepaskilf · 05/02/2015 20:01

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BrockAuLit · 05/02/2015 20:02

YANBU

She's living under your roof, by your rules. Your rules are no unnecessary and disproportionate risks. What's the benefit of going by car? Feeling grown up and independent. What are the downsides of 5 teenagers on a motorway on a jolly having only just passed a driving test? Rather not think about it. Had the 17yo been a more experienced driver, I think I'd be a bit more relaxed. But with only one person in the car having only just passed their test? No.

It's an unnecessary risk, there are plenty of alternatives. Give her something else that will make her feel independent and grown up, but which carries fewer unnecessary risks.

That, and hope that either the driving license or the car fail to materialize.

Slingclutter · 05/02/2015 20:03

Fwiw I would have come to the same decision as you op.

I would let her go driving in her own car, if she had passed her test, maybe with one friend. And only if she had had a load of overall driving experience and motorway driving experience, at day and night.

But if you are a passenger in a car with a load of other teenagers, it's a situation you can't really leave if you feel unsafe.

I only say this because of an incident involving my nephew who went on a similar trip two years ago - very similar scenario. My dn begged his parents to go against their better judgement. Nothing happened (thankfully) but the driver drank too much the night before they all came home.

They set off in the morning on their return journey and (even though the driver hadn't drunk for about 7 hrs) it became apparent he was in no fit state to drive as he was stopping to be sick etc; especially with full car of shouting teenagers/loud music etc etc. My nephew didn't feel safe but didn't feel confident enough to walk away and find alternative transport home. When he did get home eventually, he said to his parents that he wished they hadn't given him permission to go.

A useful life lesson you might say. Bit of a risky one though I think. My dn said they had a couple of near misses; once when exiting a service station.

FamiliesShareGerms · 05/02/2015 20:03

There's a reason some countries ban new drivers from having lots of passengers in the car until they have got some proper driving experience under their belt

There must be a compromise solution here - train then taxi?

Slingclutter · 05/02/2015 20:04

x post

I'm sorry for your family's loss Rembrandt

CupidStuntSurvivor · 05/02/2015 20:04

Hmm if your DD won't be 18 for over a year, she's not 17 now.

Summerisle1 · 05/02/2015 20:05

Yes I can stop her. Whilst she lives with me I am responsible for her.

The problem is that while you can try to stop her, in reality, at 17 there's nothing at all you can do about her going behind your back and still taking this trip. Which would actually be worse since you'd be in blissful ignorance of what she was actually up to on that particular day.

I'd actually wait until rather nearer the time to be honest. This isn't a battle to have right now before the driver has got anywhere near passing their test.

Original poster
Mumtotherescueagain · 05/02/2015 20:09

I know she isn't 17 now. She's 16, will be 17. Her friend is 17. The friend would be driving.

OP posts:
Patsyandeddie · 05/02/2015 20:09

The girl sounds worrying good, why is she even asking, I used to pile into the back of a transit with god knows how many others, sit on old cushions and go to the coast most weekends at her age!!

Jessica85 · 05/02/2015 20:10

Worrying isn't unreasonable, but forbidding her from going is unreasonable.

You're worrying unnecessarily I think. Driving at night is more risky, and at least with a theme park you can pretty sure the driver won't have had any alcohol before getting in the car. Of all the 5 teenagers who died in car accidents that I knew (or knew of) none were on the motorway (we live 2 miles from the motorway). 4 were late at night (1 definitely over the speed limit), 1 was in a car hit by a drunk driver.

CupidStuntSurvivor · 05/02/2015 20:18

I have absolutely refused to allow her to do this. She is 17. I have told her why...

SinglePringle · 05/02/2015 20:23

What would you do if she was 18 and her friend - the driver - was 17 and passed 3 months previously? You wouldn't be able to prevent this, would you?

gamerchick · 05/02/2015 20:23

I wasn't even living with my parents at 17 so that might colour my answer.

This is months in the future. . Doing a blanket no to plans still in infancy at that age makes you look like an utter control freak. One of the reasons I moved out at 16 incidentally.

If she decides to flick the Vs and do it anyway or lie and sneak behind your back which she's probably done quite successfully in the past. . What will you do then?

Slingclutter · 05/02/2015 20:23

Does the legal age really matter that much?

I know 23 yr olds who are as daft as a brush and I know sixteen year olds who are wise beyond their years.

It's the scenario of being in a car with a load of other girls, loud music, distractions and a very inexperienced driver that would worry me.

oneowlgirl · 05/02/2015 20:25

YANBU in my opinion for all the reasons you've stated. Also, I was a very sensible (boring!!) teenager & I remember when me & my friends first passed our tests & when we were together in the car, we'd put any 'boy-racer' to shame. Thankfully none of the horror stories on here but that was definitely by luck rather than judgement.

SinglePringle · 05/02/2015 20:25

It's more that the OP won't be able to stop her daughter doing such things at 18 - only a year away - so how will she deal with the scenario then? It might help her current quandary.