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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Good mother or total spoil sport?

280 replies

Mumtotherescueagain · 05/02/2015 18:42

Dd is angry with me. She has hatched a plan to go to a well known fun park at the end of her study leave, with friends. This would be around a 2 -2 1/2 hour journey involving motorways. There would be 4-5 people in the car driven by a female driver who would have passed her test at the absolute most 3 months before.

I have absolutely refused to allow her to do this. She is 17. I have told her why which is because I don't think it's safe. I have told the reality of this situation, the first funeral I ever attended was a girl the year above me at school killed driving with friends in the car.

I feel wretched about this because dd is having a tough time atm and she is angry with what I've said but I can't help that. I don't think it's safe.

AIBU?

OP posts:
TheHermitCrab · 05/02/2015 19:13

If she won't lie to you and go anyway, and she asked your permission, maybe you could respect the fact she seems very responsible, has picked something as tame as a theme park, and obviously as a good head on her to respect you the way she has, and let her go on her judgement.

Where did she go away to? at 16 and 17 my parents let me go to Spain with my boyfriend on my own, and then Greece with a group of friends. Every taxi we got in I thought I was going to die, crazy drivers! I don't know where she went though...

Original poster
Mumtotherescueagain · 05/02/2015 19:13

'Hatched a plan' is a turn of phrase. They talked about it today, she came home and told me. I told her my view.

Obviously I'm not going to call the police and allege she's been abducted if she decides to go against me. But she won't. I know that. That is not an issue. So yes it is up to me whether she goes.

OP posts:
DisappointedOne · 05/02/2015 19:17

I'm named after an aunt that lost an eye in a car accident at 17. She had no seatbelt on and the driver hit a lamppost.

17 years later I took lessons and passed my test at 17, bought a car, drove myself and my mates all over the country and moved out. I've never not worn my seatbelt and I've never hit anything. I took her lesson to become a better driver.

Has your daughter had any driving experience yet? You could always encourage her to be a sensible friend and be an extra pair of eyes and ears for the driver.

SaucyJack · 05/02/2015 19:20

One of the things I'm most looking forward to about my girls getting older is knowing that the day will come when they'll be off out all day amusing themselves, and I won't need to do anything more taxing than wave them off at the door.

A (admittedly very small) part of me quite admires you for still retaining that level of interest long past the days when most other parents would be enjoying the peace and quiet.

Still don't think those apron strings are anywhere near as loose as you think they are tho.

TheHermitCrab · 05/02/2015 19:21

Your daughter seems to have a lot of respect for you to ask and definitely not go if you say so. So maybe pay her the same back.

At 16 me and my friends regularly went to Blackpool pleasure beach in cars on the motorway, I didn't need to ask, just let my parents know I was going and be home at a decent hour. I always think they let me do it because I showed how responsible I was over the years, did what I was told, and told them exactly what I was doing and stuck to curfew.

Bowlersarm · 05/02/2015 19:21

I do feel for you. My DS passed his test last May and immediately because of circumstances was trundling up and down on the motorway for four hours each way, regularly. Always with a car full of other teenagers. It is a worry, but part of life.

CupidStuntSurvivor · 05/02/2015 19:22

What precisely will you do if she decides to go anyway? Throw her out? So she can make all of her own decisions?

grannytomine · 05/02/2015 19:25

If you are lucky she will scare the life out of you many times over the next few years. If they have the confidence to go off and have adventures it means you did a good job. And your reward is to go white haired with worry, believe me I have been through it four times.

fredfredgeorgejnr · 05/02/2015 19:26

When will you stop treating your child like a child in everything? Does it stop at a stroke when they're 18, when they move out of home, or will you never do it?

YABVU and silly to decide on what is a perfectly reasonable and likely very safe activity - motorway driving is very safe, even for 17 year olds who've recently passed their test. Dictating everything that a near adult does simply because you feel you can is not the way to build a good relationship with your child or prepare her for the world.

NerrSnerr · 05/02/2015 19:28

When does she turn 18?

TiredButFine · 05/02/2015 19:28

Actually at that age I'd have much preferred to go by coach/minibus so we could have a few drinks of diet coke with vodka added

Despite having moved out at 17, gone clubbing since 14, and various other 'dangerous' activites that did me no harm, I get your fear about the teenage driving.

A gang of excitable teenage girls singing, giggling etc in a car, or tired after exciting theme park day out teenagers wouldn't be my choice of driver or passenger.

Convince them to go on a coach/hire a minibus for the whole group.

MrsPeterQuill · 05/02/2015 19:28

Yabu

At your dds age, I went to Benidorm for two weeks with my mates. At some point, you're going to have to let her go....She needs to become an independent adult.

HamptonHumpty · 05/02/2015 19:30

I drove from East Sussex to Alton Towers, age 17, it was 3 weeks after passing my driving test. It was a great day. But I have to say I was absolutely exhausted driving home. I'd have had a better time if we'd stayed over night - but we couldn't afford that!

Pinkje · 05/02/2015 19:32

I wouldn't let it stress you as the intended driver hasn't even sat her test yet. She may be more nervous than she thinks she'll be - that's a lot of driving.

firesidechat · 05/02/2015 19:34

Spoil sport.

My children's teenage years are way past, but you have to let them do this stuff or risk alienating them. I sympathise because the nights spent waiting for them to come back from a car trip or a night out are still vivid, but you don't have a good enough reason to stop them. At 17 they need to take calculated risks to develop their life skills.

kennyp · 05/02/2015 19:36

i wouldn't let my daughter go. absolutely not.

obviously if she's moved out when she's 17 and doesn't tell me what she's doing i can't stop her from going, but if she was still at home then then i would categorically not let her go.

Annunziata · 05/02/2015 19:37

There is no point stressing out 3 months in advance! Talk about it if/when she passes and they all go.

I wouldn't like it either.

madamginger · 05/02/2015 19:37

Wow you are very controlling of your nearly adult dd. my mum would never have dreamed of telling me what to do at that age and she was very strict when I was a kid.
my friends and I were off everywhere as soon as we passed our tests, everyone sticking a fiver in for petrol. happy daysSmile

Original poster
Mumtotherescueagain · 05/02/2015 19:37

I have calculated the risk. The sum of the calculation is too high for me.

She won't be 18 for over a year.

OP posts:
firesidechat · 05/02/2015 19:38

So why even ask?

Original poster
Mumtotherescueagain · 05/02/2015 19:42

I asked because it's helpful to see other views. It helps you see your own in perspective. I have to say nothing said here has changed my mind at all except that those who've said don't stress about this today are probably right. Anything can happen by then.

OP posts:
yourallmyfavourite · 05/02/2015 19:43

YABU, at her age I lived on my own with a baby and was regularly driving me and dd about.

There comes a time when you need to let them go a bit.
If she's as sensible as you say then trust her judgement

VanitasVanitatum · 05/02/2015 19:43

YABU, and YABU for ignoring all the sensible points on here, why bother posting.

I can still remember doing that at her age, I can remember it because the fun and freedom and friendship from even a single day like that can stay with you all your life. Don't make her miss out just because you have calculated a slightly heightened risk factor and are obsessing over it.

DisappointedOne · 05/02/2015 19:44

"She won't be 18 for over a year."

??? She's 17 now, isn't she?

googoodolly · 05/02/2015 19:44

YABVU. In a year, she'll be off to university and doing whatever she likes. Or do you think you'll be able to stop her when she's eighteen and an adult? You need to cut those apron strings sooner or later.