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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Secret vasectomy

274 replies

30somethingm · 05/02/2015 15:39

A friend of mine has had a secret vasectomy while his partner is away visiting her family who have emigrated for retirement (she was gone a for just over 3 weeks). They are both 33 and when they got together said they would "probably not" have children. I think the fact that he has done this secretly suggests she has been leaning towards ambivalence or possibly even having them. However I think it is awful he has done this in secret.

WIBU for telling her? This is an old friend from childhood so am not keen on ruining our friendship - I just think he is being a dick and behaving as badly as people who secretly withdraw from using contraception. He has only just told me, and she returns next week.

OP posts:
bumbleymummy · 05/02/2015 15:40

Could you encourage him to tell her?

NancyRaygun · 05/02/2015 15:41

I think, on some level, he has told you so that you will tell her. So he is a coward in that respect too.

LaurieFairyCake · 05/02/2015 15:41

I wouldn't tell her about the vasectomy

I would tell him he had to tell her he was never having children - at 33 she needs an option to have one with someone else if she wants it

katandkits · 05/02/2015 15:42

It is awful. He has a right to have a vesectomy of course, that's his choice, but its wrong to not be totally upfront with her so that if having kids is important to her she can weigh up her options in time.

MephistophelesApprentice · 05/02/2015 15:43

It's his right to do it, but unfair on his partner not to at least let her know.

Seriouslyffs · 05/02/2015 15:44

I'd let her know before she comes back.
a) to not be directly in the firing line b) to save her the airfare (joke, sort of)
I wonder why he told you? He obviously knows it was a controversial thing to do, hence the secrecy, perhaps he wants out of the relationship...
Nice of him to involve you Hmm

Original poster
30somethingm · 05/02/2015 15:47

You are right. He is being a coward. I will tell him to tell her otherwise I will. I will point out that him coming clean is better than her hearing it via me. Personally I would rather not even get involved but feel I have to now.

OP posts:
squoosh · 05/02/2015 15:49

I'd tell her. She may decide she wants kids after all so it's best she's in possession of all the facts. Fact No.1 being her partner is an utterly cowardly cock.

cheeseburgerandfries · 05/02/2015 15:50

I would tell her. I wouldn't want to be with someone who did that to me.

Give him the chance to tell her first.

laughingmyarseoff · 05/02/2015 15:50

Why secretly? Was he worried she'd talk him out of it or worried she would leave?

He needs to tell her now so she can make her own informed choices. He would be vile to hide it if he knew she wanted kids and it was no longer an option. Yanbu to tell her, you should if he won't but you should tell him that because it should come from him.

Duckdeamon · 05/02/2015 15:51

He has every right to make that decision but hiding it is awful and nor should he have put you in this situation. I would tell my friend.

squoosh · 05/02/2015 15:51

'I think, on some level, he has told you so that you will tell her. So he is a coward in that respect too.'

Nancy is probably right, he's too lily-livered to tell her himself so hopes you'll do it for him. Obviously went for the backbone removal before the vasectomy.

Ohfourfoxache · 05/02/2015 15:54

Having a vasectomy in itself is fine; keeping it a secret is abhorrent.

Either way, she needs to know so that she can decide for herself what she wants to do.

2rebecca · 05/02/2015 15:55

I would tell him to tell her and that you will no longer consider him a friend if he doesn't. I wouldn't tell his partner as you said he was a friend of yours. He could have not told you.
I would stop socialising with them if he doesn't though.

Nolim · 05/02/2015 15:55

Agree that if he doent tell then you should

sebsmummy1 · 05/02/2015 15:57

If she wants children he has just done something totally unforgiveable and cruel. If she doesn't then he has taken away that future option for her and I agree she needs to know.

iwanttogotothechaletschool · 05/02/2015 15:57

I'd be so angry with him for putting you in the position of knowing it. I assume they are using some sort of contraception, is he planning on allowing her to possibly keep taking the pill or an implant or something when there is no need for it? He sounds like a selfish idiot, as to whether you tell her or not depends on how much you want to keep his friendship. I would definitely try and persuade him to tell her first though.

TheyLearnedFromBrian · 05/02/2015 15:59

Give him a chance to tell, but please please don't NOT tell her. Not only are others right in saying that him telling you is his coward's way of telling her, but also for you to know, not tell, and for her to quite possibly be deceived out of having children - I could never be the person helping to keep someone in the dark over something so important.

Awful.

I agree that she has probably been making noises about having children and he has decided to shut down the conversation before it's even begun - probably banking on her not leaving him once it's a done deal. If that's the case, I hope you'll help support her TO leave him - someone who takes this approach isn't someone I'd give up my chance of children to be with, let's just say that.

squoosh · 05/02/2015 16:00

He must have planned it ages ago. So sneaky, how could she ever trust him again on any issue big or small.

Only1scoop · 05/02/2015 16:03

Yanbu....

He has put you in an awful position by telling you.

tumbletumble · 05/02/2015 16:06

I agree that it would come better from him, but if he refuses to tell her then you absolutely must. She needs to know.

BarbarianMum · 05/02/2015 16:06

As long as he tells her when she gets back then I don't think he's done anything wrong. Being sterilised isn't a mutual decision, it's an individual one. At the end of the day he's entitled not to want children regardless of her views on the matter. Lying to her about it after the fact would be very wrong - but maybe he thinks it's a conversation better had face to face.

squoosh · 05/02/2015 16:09

'As long as he tells her when she gets back then I don't think he's done anything wrong.'

Really? I think presenting someone with such a fait accompli points to huge communication and trust issues.

Only1scoop · 05/02/2015 16:12

I wouldn't be happy at Dp deciding to have such surgery at totally contrived convenience....

thetroubleis · 05/02/2015 16:17

Has he told you, hoping you'll tell her thereby letting him avoid it himself?

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