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Original poster

Secret vasectomy

274 replies

30somethingm · 05/02/2015 15:39

A friend of mine has had a secret vasectomy while his partner is away visiting her family who have emigrated for retirement (she was gone a for just over 3 weeks). They are both 33 and when they got together said they would "probably not" have children. I think the fact that he has done this secretly suggests she has been leaning towards ambivalence or possibly even having them. However I think it is awful he has done this in secret.

WIBU for telling her? This is an old friend from childhood so am not keen on ruining our friendship - I just think he is being a dick and behaving as badly as people who secretly withdraw from using contraception. He has only just told me, and she returns next week.

OP posts:
2rebecca · 05/02/2015 19:47

I agree that he hasn't said he won't tell her, he just didn't consult her beforehand which means that although the OP describes the relationship as a partnership that's not how he sees it.
If he doesn't want children ever then I think him getting on and having a vasectomy is a better option than the women who post on here who don't want more children but try and manipulate their partner into having a vasectomy rather than sorting out their own body.

OnceUponATimeAgain · 05/02/2015 19:53

no one said " DH won't let me" - we are shocked that he had the op in secret as it is a big relationship issue - and if he is doing that in secret, what else is he hiding from her?

milkpudding · 05/02/2015 19:54

There's no suggestion that he is not intending telling his OH

Yes there is. He had it secretly at the one time she was away several weeks and wouldn't notice anything eg swelling. If he fully intends to tell her why not have it when she is around?

And if it was a female saying I want to get sterilised but my DH won't let me

She hasn't tried to stop him as she knows nothing about it. He is welcome to go ahead if she objects, but he wants to keep it a secret.
Also yes I would tell a woman that she shouldn't have a secret sterilisation.

he has always made his intention clear to never have DC
We all know people who have changed their mind about having DC. Some people will be certain they never want DC and will happily have sterilisation/ be with a sterilised partner, others are pretty sure but want to leave the option open. She may want the option open, he is taking her choice away by lying to her.

Also even if I didn't want children I would question a relationship where my partner made a decision with life lasting consequences without discussing it with me.

NoArmaniNoPunani · 05/02/2015 20:05

It's shocking that a man this young was allowed a vasectomy. My friend has is 37 and was refused sterilization in case she chabges her mind about wanting children

milkpudding · 05/02/2015 20:05

women who don't want more children but try and manipulate their partner into having a vasectomy rather than sorting out their own body.
Well. Male sterilisation is more effective than female sterilisation and other forms of contraception. It is a one off procedure, contraception requires ongoing maintenance. Women may find their contraceptive choices limiting as they get older, many forms of contraception contain oestrogen and are risky for women with certain medical conditions or risk factors. Both contraception and sterilisation carry health risks, women accept these risks during the early relationship, why can the man not take a turn at controlling their fertility?
And why on earth can't a man "sort out his body" by neutralising his sperm?

Wombat22 · 05/02/2015 20:07

Having the vasectomy whilst she is away is not positive evidence that he never intends to tell her. We don't know that he wants to keep it secret forever, that's an assumption.

He has not taken her option of children away as she is free to move on and find someone who does want DC. He obviously does not. And we don't know that he has or is planning to lie to her.
As stated previously, there are obvious issues about doing it without telling her.

Fairenuff · 05/02/2015 20:22

Will she also confide in you do you think OP? If not, how will you know for sure that he's told her?

BarbarianMum · 05/02/2015 20:28

OP if you think he should 'share' this with her than surely he can do that once she's back. If you think it requires discussion then you are basically saying that she should get a say in this. Why? What percentage of the decision should be hers?

2rebecca · 05/02/2015 20:29

I think men should have vasectomies if they want vasectomies. I think women should get sterilised if that's what they want. I don't think either sex should try and make someone else have an operation. Our divorce rate is too high for any couple to regard their fertility as a joint project forever.

TRexingInAsda · 05/02/2015 20:32

She needs to know. She stands to lose her only chance of children - she should have a choice about it. She shouldn't be tricked into wasting the next 10+ years with him hoping for a child that will never come. :( I would just tell her tbh.

TRexingInAsda · 05/02/2015 20:35

barbarianmum It's not that she should get a say in the vasectomy - it's already too late for that, she doesn't get any percentage of that decision. What she should get to decide though is whether she wants to stay with this man given that they will not be having children, and given that he has done this behind her back. It's not a good sign in a relationship, is it? She deserves to make an informed choice about her relationship.

expatinscotland · 05/02/2015 20:41

I would tell her.

notquiteruralbliss · 05/02/2015 20:42

In his partner's position (assuming I wanted a child) I would go ahead and do so without his um input.

BarbarianMum · 05/02/2015 20:47

Trex absolutely. He must tell her and very soon. But it's not clear from the OP that he isn't planning to when she gets back so I am not going to condemn him out of hand. It is conversation that should be held face to face. Just don't like the idea that he needs to discuss it with her first, esp given that the status quo in the relationship has been no kids. Obviously if she feels differently she can ltb.

BoneyBackJefferson · 05/02/2015 21:31

All he is doing is upholding his end of the agreement from when they got together and preventing a "happy little accident".

Fairenuff · 05/02/2015 21:43

Why didn't he tell her that he had booked himself in for a vasectomy though? Surely this would come up in general conversation between a couple.

Not many people would keep impending surgery quiet from their partner, even minor surgery like this, unless they didn't want them to know.

TheCraicDealer · 06/02/2015 00:53

Exactly Fairenuff. If he wasn't worried about her reaction he wouldn't have made the appointment and had it carried out in secret whilst she was out of the country. And the most likely reason that he's thought this is a good move is that he thinks she's changing her mind and will be upset. That's fair enough if he doesn't want to be a father, but perhaps sitting down and having a conversation would be a somewhat more appropriate response to his concerns rather than waiting until she was off the scene and having an operation.

Unless this is his idea of a romantic Valentine's Day gesture- "Guess what darling- you don't have to worry about taking the pill because I've had the snip!", cue unfurling of dressing gown and a knob with a bow tied round it.

Original poster
30somethingm · 06/02/2015 01:01

Barbarian, he was planning on not telling her.

Fairenuff, I will confide in her if he says he will tell her, to "check". I will say something like "sorry to hear what xxxxx did, blah blah blah, oh and I don't want to be involved anymore as it is unfair on you and me that I have had to get involved..."

If he refuses to tell her, I will tell her, so either way I'm going to end up talking to her about it.

Think I've got clarity on the plan of action.

OP posts:
Original poster
30somethingm · 06/02/2015 01:06

Lol thecraicdealer! Pretty sure it is not a big romantic gesture.

Gut feeling is that he is worried she will/is changing her mind. He can be ruthlessly stubborn at times and take matters into his own hands. This is his right in this case but it doesn't make his behaviour right.

Whilst he and I go back a long way, I have also become good friends with her, especially as she was also a good friend through a rough patch I had a year or so back.

OP posts:
ZeldaMae · 06/02/2015 02:30

I dunno, when DH had his vasectomy his bits looked like a zebra for weeks - I'd've asked some questions. Doubt he'd get away with it if he wanted to, especially if they've been apart for a while.

The intention to deceive makes it a LTB though.

IPityThePontipines · 06/02/2015 02:51

There's a sensible way of doing this, telling his partner: "I definitely don't want children, so I am going to have a vasectomy" and then there's the weird, sneaky way your friend has done this.

His body, his choice - absolutely. But people should be open and honest about their choices, so that other people can make their choices too, in full possession of the facts.

SugarOnTop · 06/02/2015 03:13

Personally I would rather not even get involved but feel I have to now

You don't HAVE to do anything - nobody's pulling your strings.....you CHOOSE to do something in a situation like this - understand that and take ownership of your actions...otherwise you're just as cowardly as him.

my feeling is that you should encourage your friend to come clean to her....because if YOU choose to tell her instead then it will most likely become a case of 'shoot the messenger'. you can always ask him if he's told her and then be sneaky/smart about it and follow up by talking about how womens rights/children/childfree lifestyles/etc in a general conversation to gauge her opinion on the matter (in a way that wouldn't 'out' you seeing as you don't know her well enough to be privy to these already)

i've just tried to imagine myself in her shoes and this is how i'd react after being told by you and feeling the initial blast of betrayal from my partner...."what the actual f*?!!!!! He's done this without even talking to ME about it?!!!....but he's gone and told HER....who the hell is she to him?! Shock i thought they were just old friends!!! what EXACTLY is their relationship?!!! why is he closer to her than to me?!!! Now everybody/some else knows my private/personal business!!! they both must be laughing at me for being such a fool!"

your friendship with him may well be a platonic one but i doubt it will come across that way to her...and even if she believes it's platonic she will see you in a totally different light. it wouldn't surprise me if she felt like he should keep his distance from you indefinitely or even while/IF they sort this out....which WILL then affect your friendship with him.

so think about this carefully before deciding whether YOU should be the one doing HIS dirty work...because YOU will make yourself 'piggy in the middle' and when it comes right down to it i doubt very much this cowardly 'man' will choose to defend you over his relationship with her.

Original poster
30somethingm · 06/02/2015 08:03

Zelda he had the procedure done a couple of days after he left - says he is not too bad down there!

SugarOnTop telling her is definitely the last resort. I want to convince him to come clean. However if he doesn't, she has a right to know in case she ever changes her mind about children. She has a right to know in case his actions are a deal breaker. I hate to say it because I hope it isn't a deal breaker. She still needs to know but hopefully from him. Seeing him tonight

How common do you think it is for a partner (male or female) to secretly change their fertility? I guess withdrawal of contraception is similar in terms of betrayal of trust?

OP posts:
NeedsAsockamnesty · 06/02/2015 15:16

I would rather have a friend furious with me for disclosing something to them than stand by and watch them in pain possibly for a very long time because I didn't disclose

laughingmyarseoff · 06/02/2015 18:11

How common do you think it is for a partner (male or female) to secretly change their fertility? I guess withdrawal of contraception is similar in terms of betrayal of trust?

Not sure, hopefully not common but I have been given the advice to 'have a happy accident' when with my first boyfriend to get him to commit. I didn't want to but the friends around me at the time all agreed (and one had done) that technique. Likewise, I'm dubious a friend of mine didn't try to sabotage contraception to get his then gf pregnant. They've broken up now and either have admitted it but she's made a few digs that made me suspect. I haven't had any experience of this way around but I've heard stories of others saying it's happened.

Some people are just shitty people, those people should not be in a relationship, they should be in therapy to save all the angst they will leave in their wake.

Given that your friend was going to lie after the fact...that changes things. Whether she wants children or not, by lying he would take that choice away if she wanted and he 'pretended to try' and if she wanted and wasted time with him thinking they would try at some point- again vile. He has the right to do what he wants with his body, he owes her to tell her.

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