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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Secret vasectomy

274 replies

30somethingm · 05/02/2015 15:39

A friend of mine has had a secret vasectomy while his partner is away visiting her family who have emigrated for retirement (she was gone a for just over 3 weeks). They are both 33 and when they got together said they would "probably not" have children. I think the fact that he has done this secretly suggests she has been leaning towards ambivalence or possibly even having them. However I think it is awful he has done this in secret.

WIBU for telling her? This is an old friend from childhood so am not keen on ruining our friendship - I just think he is being a dick and behaving as badly as people who secretly withdraw from using contraception. He has only just told me, and she returns next week.

OP posts:
TaliZorahVasNormandy · 05/02/2015 17:35

Oops, bold fail.

GemmaPuddledDuck · 05/02/2015 17:37

I think it's his body his choice just as abortion is for women.

Original poster
30somethingm · 05/02/2015 17:39

I am furious with him. He has only told me so far.

He had the procedure done privately. Apparently (according to him) lots of men do this!? He says he is "future proofing", "child proofing" his life and creating "certainties". I'm seeing him for a couple of drinks tomorrow evening.

I'm going to tell him that he should have told her and nothing can change that, but that he has a chance to at least do the right thing from now by telling her. If he doesn't within a week of her returning I will. I'm sure she will be angry whether or not her views on having children have changed.

I think most of you are suggesting I insist he tells her and then if not, I do so. She absolutely adores him and I have always thought he does, but his twisted logic is pretty terrible with regards this decision.

OP posts:
Original poster
30somethingm · 05/02/2015 17:40

You're right it is his decision, but it is totally immoral to not discuss something that could affect the other person.

OP posts:
BrendaBlackhead · 05/02/2015 17:43

As long as he tells her promptly, it's up to him. Clearly he felt under pressure from her and was making a preemptive strike. Many men say they don't want children, but to take drastic action like this means this man really truly doesn't want children so it's probably better this way than the relationship dragging on for years with the situation unresolved.

MaryWestmacott · 05/02/2015 17:47

I think you need to tell her if he doesn't if you want to ever see them again. tell him he's got to tell her now he's told you as it's unfair to expect you to keep his secret from your friend. If he wanted it to stay a secret he should have kept it a secret.

Realistically, you're not going to be able to maintain a friendship with them as a couple if you know something so major in their relationship that one party doesn't.

I also think this is particularly nasty, if she wil take his decision to stop using any other contraception as a sign he's changed his mind and gets her hopes up, wondering if there's something wrong with her that she can't get pregnant...

It could well be this is it for their relationship, but he must have known that it was a risk he was taking.

MaryWestmacott · 05/02/2015 17:50

Oh and I know 2 men who have vasectomy reversals in late 40s/early 50s when they got a younger partner. It's no longer a 'forever' decision.

BarbarianMum · 05/02/2015 17:50

But 'discussing' something implies that there is a decision to be made. If he's decided then it wouldn't be a discussion but him informing her about his decision. Which he should do of course, just not sure that it matters if it happens before or immediately after.

MaryWestmacott · 05/02/2015 18:01

barbarian - well, it's something that effects them both, if it's going to be a 'deal breaker' for her, then perhaps it does need to be a discussion, to give him the full information before making his decision. It could well be something she'd agree with, so rather than sneeking off to do it, then he could have been up front and got her support. Now for a lot of woman, even if they would have agreed with it if given a chance to do so, being presented as 'done deal' they don't get a say in would be a deal breaker by itself.

squoosh · 05/02/2015 18:03

'even if they would have agreed with it if given a chance to do so, being presented as 'done deal' they don't get a say in would be a deal breaker by itself'

Exactly, even if I really wanted my partner to have a vasectomy, his sneaking off when I was away to have it done would signal the end of the relationship for me.

scaevola · 05/02/2015 18:04

"It's no longer a 'forever' decision."

I think that's a bit over-optimistic. The best success rates for reversal are only about 50% (pregnancy achieved, not just presence of sperm in semen) for procedures less than 4 years old, falling to 25% by the 10 year mark.

BarbarianMum · 05/02/2015 18:05

True - but if he's willing to risk that, then that's up to him. Maybe I feel so strongly about this because 'discussion' seems to smack of those men who keep stringing women along for years saying 'maybe one day'.

Andrewofgg · 05/02/2015 18:09

Would anybody on MN criticise a woman who did this, perhaps while her OH was on a long business trip, long enough for her to recover from what I know is a bigger deal (physically) than it is for a man?

Whether he has done the right thing, who knows? You would have to know the inwardness of the relationship which nobody outside it can.

But even if not, it's not the OP's business to tell her.

Button it.

Mind your own.

Stay out of it.

thewavesofthesea · 05/02/2015 18:15

My husband wants a vasectomy but I don't want him to yet. Although we probably won't have any more children, if he did something like this I couldn't trust him ever again. The lying would kill me.

SnowWhiteAteTheApple · 05/02/2015 18:19

He doesn't want children so shouldn't be forced to have them just to keep his partner or be blackmailed into it as she will be unhappy without them.

Equally the partner has the choice to stay with him and not have children or leave and find somebody that does want to be a father.

Whatever drove him to do it this way only he knows but he does have the right to do whatever he likes to his own body and doesn't need permission from anybody else.

TheCraicDealer · 05/02/2015 18:23

If the genders were reversed then it would be slightly different as it would be the woman's decision to carry on or end any pregnancy that might ultimately occur anyway. However, she'd still be completely fucking over her spouse by going behind his back, especially if there was any hint whatsoever that his views re. children were changing.

Perhaps it's better he's been sterilised, sounds like he's incapable of thinking of others' feelings. Hardly father material. If I were her, at that age, i'd want to know. He could string her along for a long time, perhaps even half heartedly "trying" to keep her quiet later on, all the while knowing them having a baby is impossible. That's aside from all the trust issues this throws up; there's no excuse for duplicity of this nature. Even if he thought she'd be upset or spilt up with himover it, he should still have had the courage of his convictions to see it through.

2rebecca · 05/02/2015 18:23

This man isn't her husband though. I agree if my husband did this it would be the lack of trust that would be the problem not the vasectomy. It sounds as though he considers himself a single man and is maybe doing this so he has had a vasectomy before making a commitment like marriage.
The only way it would be the OP's business to tell the woman was if the woman was a friend of the OP's but it sounds as though the man is the main friend and the woman his current girlfriend.

naty1 · 05/02/2015 18:51

It would be as bad if a woman did this without mentioning it.
Hopefully she will leave such a selfish person .

TaliZorahVasNormandy · 05/02/2015 19:00

It's a pretty crappy thing to do regardless of gender. Not the the decision to do it, but the deceitful way of doing it.

What's wrong with saying, "I really dont want children, so I'm going to take the reasonable action to ensure it doesnt happen"

Atleast they other person knows all the facts and can decide accordingly.

Original poster
30somethingm · 05/02/2015 19:09

A few more points in response to comments. She uses the pill. They both have been adamant about not having children from the word go. Perhaps she is now having doubts and it is obviously her right to change her mind (I'll ask him more about this tomorrow). My gut feeling though from what she has said is that she doesn't want children but is open to changing her mind if you get me.

My mate is a bit robotic at times and not always aware of how his actions or what he says might affect people. I would describe him as bright but emotionally unintelligent. I need to explain further to him how big a deal the non discussion of this is, as there is a chance he might not totally get it! This is no little white lie.

OP posts:
Original poster
30somethingm · 05/02/2015 19:17

Can I also just add. Despite this terrible thing he has done, he is not a vile man at all. Believe it or not, you'd find it hard to find a man of his age with his pressures who gives up so much time for the vulnerable in the local community!

I find it bizarre that decent people can also have such blind spots when it comes to morality?!

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Wombat22 · 05/02/2015 19:35

What's all this 'morality' crap Confused There's no suggestion that he is not intending telling his OH. It's his body. And if it was a female saying I want to get sterilised but my DH won't let me, we would all be shouting about her being allowed to do what she likes to her own body. I do agree that it would have been better to tell her first, but the OP states that he has always made his intention clear to never have DC

Viviennemary · 05/02/2015 19:38

I'd keep out of it. It's a decision for the individual. And he's decided to go ahead with this procedure.

LadyintheRadiator · 05/02/2015 19:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
30somethingm · 05/02/2015 19:45

I've never said it isn't his right to do what he wants with his body. I think what he has done is wrong though because he has not discussed it! Couples should share big news with each other always.

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