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AIBU?

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Original poster

Secret vasectomy

274 replies

30somethingm · 05/02/2015 15:39

A friend of mine has had a secret vasectomy while his partner is away visiting her family who have emigrated for retirement (she was gone a for just over 3 weeks). They are both 33 and when they got together said they would "probably not" have children. I think the fact that he has done this secretly suggests she has been leaning towards ambivalence or possibly even having them. However I think it is awful he has done this in secret.

WIBU for telling her? This is an old friend from childhood so am not keen on ruining our friendship - I just think he is being a dick and behaving as badly as people who secretly withdraw from using contraception. He has only just told me, and she returns next week.

OP posts:
WannaBe · 05/02/2015 16:19

there are frequently posts on mn from women who say they want a baby but their partner doesn't. The consensus is always that if the man doesn't want children then he should take responsibility for that not happening. And that the woman should inform him that she will not be using contraception from now on.

It sounds as if this man has done exactly what mn'ers would suggest he do in the situation that a woman has been pressurising him to have a baby which he doesn't want.

It sounds as if this couple decided they didn't want children when they got together and that the dw has moved the goalposts. it happens, biology is a strange thing and sometimes what we think we might want one year could change. But he is not in the wrong for making a stand and saying that he is not prepared to father a child and for taking definite steps to avoid doing so.

It shuts the discussion down from the outset which makes it very straightforward. If he has always maintained he doesn't want children then no, he is not in the wrong for taking steps to ensure that doesn't happen.

no-one knows what goes on in this marriage, but it certainly isn't for the op to start issuing ultimatums.

squoosh · 05/02/2015 16:20

You don't think he sounds like an insufferable wimp for planning his secret vasectomy for when she was out of the country? His body, his decision of course but be a big boy about it.

OldLadyKnows · 05/02/2015 16:29

Is it at all vaguely possible that actually, this couple have had all the long talks and conversations, and decided that they definitely don't want dc, so he's had it done while she's away and will present the fait accompli as a "Ta da! It's done, and you didn't even have to listen to me moaning and lying around on the sofa for days!" Grin

And she will be delighted?

WannaBe · 05/02/2015 16:31

well that depends on the dw doesn't it? if she's already piling on the emotional pressure to have a baby and he's already said no, and they're already having emotionally charged conversations over it, imagine how much worse those will be if he tells her he's booked a vasectomy and when it's for etc. Can you imagine the mn post? "my dh is adament he doesn't want a baby, so much so that he's booked to have a vasectomy, how can I talk him out of it?" I guarantee that there would be multiple replies of how unfair it was to take the choice away from her and how cruel to rub the vasectomy in her face when she so desperately wants a baby.

By doing it this way he has taken decisive action, and when the subject next comes up or perhaps when she gets back he can tell her that the decision is definitive and that he has taken action to ensure that he cannot father children.

The only point at which it would be cruel would be if he told her that they could ttc and put her through the agony of years of no success without telling her that it was never going to happen.

MajesticWhine · 05/02/2015 16:34

I know a man who did this. It's a lousy thing to do. Even if they had discussed not having DC, she would believe the door was still open. So yes, I think you would not be unreasonable to force the issue.

ImBatDog · 05/02/2015 16:36

unless he went private, i'd love to know how he managed to book it so precisely.

everyone i know who's been one has only been called in the couple of weeks prior to the procedure to let them know when to go.

DH only got 10 days notice of his!

squoosh · 05/02/2015 16:38

'"my dh is adament he doesn't want a baby, so much so that he's booked to have a vasectomy, how can I talk him out of it?" I guarantee that there would be multiple replies of how unfair it was to take the choice away from her and how cruel to rub the vasectomy in her face when she so desperately wants a baby.'

Maybe there would but not from me. If you're in an adult relationship you discuss things and give each partner the chance to know the full facts and make a decision to stay or leave.

You do not sneak off to have a vasectomy and just hope the subject of babies never arises.

VikingLady · 05/02/2015 16:39

Can you tell her in a way that doesn't make you look like a tell-tale or like you're interfering? As others have said, she may be pleased! Maybe say something like "well done for getting your DH to get the snip whilst you were away! You avoided all the whinging and lying around on the sofa martyrdom!"

squoosh · 05/02/2015 16:40

The relationship sounds like an absolute sham.

Hassled · 05/02/2015 16:43

Poor woman. Please encourage him to tell her - if she's only early 30s she has time to think about how she could have a future with children, if that's what she wants. If she waits a few years and then finds out he's had the snip, her options will be reduced.

soontobemumofthree · 05/02/2015 16:44

I would ask him to tell her he doesn't want to have children and he is sure about this (if he won't tell her about the surgery).
Then I probably wouldn't tell her, I don't like being told things like this for me then to keep secret from someone.

2rebecca · 05/02/2015 16:45

I think having it done whilst she is away is mean, but the OP calls her his partner not his wife and some women on here refer to men as their partners when they've only been going out with them for a couple of weeks.
We don't know if the girlfriend is a friend of the OP's either. If a female friend of mine had a sterilisation op or had a depo injection/ contraceptive implant without telling her boyfriend I wouldn't get involved in telling the boyfriend so I don't see why things are different because the friend is a male.
I probably wouldn't want to be friends with someone who wouldn't tell their partner they couldn't have children for whatever reason but I don't go gossiping when someone has told me something in confidence and if I planned to pass on confidential information I would tell the person at the time. I wouldn't do it surreptitiously.

TaliZorahVasNormandy · 05/02/2015 16:45

Vasectomy is fine, his choice.

But theres a obviously lack of trust and communication between these two for him to go about it in such an underhanded way.

I suspect that he sensed a change in her views on children and decided to take away the option.

I wonder if he would have agreed to TTC and it just never happening, that would be cruel if he did that.

She should at least know so she can make a decision about it.

scaevola · 05/02/2015 16:49

It's only about £400 for a Marie Stopes vasectomy and you can pick a convenient date.

If it was to be secret, it would need to be whilst she was away (as it would be a bit difficult to hide the normal postoperative swelling etc from someone who sees you naked.

He'll be stuffed if he has side effects though.

He needs to tell her.

I think that once you start getting into the habit of keeping massive secrets from your partner, the relationship changes for the worse.

DrDre · 05/02/2015 16:59

He's bonkers. What if there are complications, as there are for a significant minority? He'll have to tell her then.

TaliZorahVasNormandy · 05/02/2015 17:02

What if it doesnt work and they stop using contraception.

Unlikely, but not impossible.

DrElizabethPlimpton · 05/02/2015 17:04

Why has he told you OP?

Izzy24 · 05/02/2015 17:09

I think it's none of your business to tell her anything at all.

I think it's entirely your business to tell your friend exactly how you feel about the situation . And then it will be your decision whether you want to continue this friendship with him.

Mammanat222 · 05/02/2015 17:10

As far as I am aware you don't just have the procedure and end of..... male needs to have X amount of ejaculations to get all the sperm out of his system so he'll be needing to wank alot (I am not sure if they can have sex with condoms?).and he'll need to go back to clinic after a certain time months not weeks to confirm procedure has worked.

Not sure how he is planning to get away with that?

SnowWhiteAteTheApple · 05/02/2015 17:14

I agree with Wannabe. It's always being posted on MN re women wanting a baby and their partner doesn't so they stop using contraception in the hope it will happen anyway and it's the mans own fault if it does for not being careful.

He is being careful, he doesn't want to be a parent so has taken steps to stop that. As long as he tells her and doesn't mislead her that they are trying then he has done nothing wrong. We don't know how much pressure she has been putting on him or if he was worried she'd stop using contraception on the sly etc.

squoosh · 05/02/2015 17:16

'It's always being posted on MN re women wanting a baby and their partner doesn't so they stop using contraception in the hope it will happen anyway and it's the mans own fault if it does for not being careful.'

I doubt that.

squoosh · 05/02/2015 17:17

What are the responses to such a thread I wonder.

squoosh · 05/02/2015 17:17

Communication in this relationship is clearly at level zero, that's the issue.

OnceUponATimeAgain · 05/02/2015 17:19

what an arse NOT for having the op, but for doing it in secret

TaliZorahVasNormandy · 05/02/2015 17:34

*'It's always being posted on MN re women wanting a baby and their partner doesn't so they stop using contraception in the hope it will happen anyway and it's the mans own fault if it does for not being careful.'
*

I have only seen a few people say that. I have seen many say that it would be unfair to do that.