Secret vasectomy

[30somethingm]

A friend of mine has had a secret vasectomy while his partner is away visiting her family who have emigrated for retirement (she was gone a for just over 3 weeks). They are both 33 and when they got together said they would "probably not" have children. I think the fact that he has done this secretly suggests she has been leaning towards ambivalence or possibly even having them. However I think it is awful he has done this in secret.

WIBU for telling her? This is an old friend from childhood so am not keen on ruining our friendship - I just think he is being a dick and behaving as badly as people who secretly withdraw from using contraception. He has only just told me, and she returns next week.

laughingmyarseoff Anyone who gave you that advice was not your friend.

I know Andrew, that's why they are no longer in my life. I wasn't interested in getting commitment anyway and betraying and lying wasn't going to happen,.

Happy accident, jesus weeped.

What it werent a happy accident?

Laughing, I'm glad you ejected such deceitful people.

It certainly wouldn't have been for either of us, we broke up five months later because we weren't so compatible.

I know someone who desperately wanted DC3 and at the time her DH wasn't so sure. She told me quite openly that she'd get pregnant whether he liked it or not. They use condoms up she said she would tell him she was on the pill and just not take It. I really believe she would have done too. Fortunately for her, he changed his mind probably after she ground him down.

He has every right to do that, just as a woman has every right to go on any form of contraception or take the MAP without telling her partner.

Morally... I would want to know, and I'd be hurt, but it depends on what your friend is like, and her partner's reason for not telling her.

If he's absolutely certain he doesn't want to father any children, he's done the responsible thing. However, doing it without her knowledge and planning on not telling her is abhorrent.

Kittymum03 That's awful, from you mum as well. Setting aside the betrayalnand lying to a partner which is horrible, she's also insulting you by implying that you are happy to do that and that you are getting long in the tooth and that's not nice!

What did he say?

Not your business to tell. Leave well alone.

She hasn't tried to stop him as she knows nothing about it. Maybe she has stopped him in the past? Perhaps she is being unreasonable about him not wanting children. Perhaps he has discovered she is not taking her pill/refusing to use contraception & thus trying to force him into becoming a father?

If this were a woman who had a termination/had tubes tied behind her dh's/partner's back, I'm guessing that many posters would be concerned as to why she felt she couldn't share it with her dh/partner.

I am wondering the same thing here...what makes this guy think he HAS to do this in secret?

It's shocking that a man this young was allowed a vasectomy. My friend has is 37 and was refused sterilization in case she chabges her mind about wanting children The difference is that he is male & she is female. It has been far easier for males to become sterilised than it has for females, for years now.

I don't actually think he's done anything wrong. He's told her he never wants children and he's now taken measures to ensure he never has any children. Would be different if he had said he might want children or something but if she changes her mind she shouldn't be expecting to change his too.

Also they're reversible nowadays.

It is up to him to tell her. Not your business. Really not. Would you tell a husband if one of your friends had decided to go on/off the pill?

By all means encourage him to tell her but don't interfere. I'd be furious if I came off the pill/ had a coil fitted and was waiting for the right moment to tell my DP and someone did it first. Can you imagine?

differentnameforthis
"I am wondering the same thing here...what makes this guy think he HAS to do this in secret?"

Same here, but then we will never get the full story.

Contraception isn't permanent though.i don't agree with women that lie about what they are doing,but you can stop taking the pill,or stop any other contraceptive,and try for a baby..unless he wants to go for a reversal,that's permanent.

A baby is pretty permanent if she is trying to trick him into getting pregnant!

While going through the uncertainty of whether dh wanted children or not, I was told by several different people to stop taking my pill/makes holes in condoms.

I didn't do either, as I believe babies have the right to be wanted by both parents.

Until we know if something similar is going on here, none of us can vilify this guy at all. All we have is what op has said, and there is nothing to say that she knows all the facts of her friend's relationship. I don't know many guys who would be upfront about being bullied/forced in to fatherhood, or even admit that they fear their partner is trying to trick them!

A close relative tricked her boyfriend into fatherhood, they later married & had more children. Neither of them are happy (they love their kids though) and both have cheated. They give a good show of being happy, but he is miserable!

Also they're reversible nowadays
I know a couple still unable to conceive after the man went through a reversal - they do not always work.
OP needs to have a convo with the woman to see if she has any expectations of having dc in the future (if she'll open up to you) and if she does, absolutely tell her.

If he is sure age doesn't want dcs either, it makes no sense for it to be a secret does it? And she will need to carry on with contraception as she won't know?

I knew someone whose husband did this, told her he had the snip after he had it done, and so much for that marriage. I am unsure whether I would say anything, but you could threaten to tell her to make sure he doesn't put it off.

I know a couple of women who in public said they didn't want children. Turns out this was because their DP/DH didn't but the women were secretly hoping their DP/DH would come around and agree to children.

Who's to say that hasn't happened here?

Whatever the reason behind this bloke getting the snip now, he does need to tell his DP, so that she can make a decision about her future. So that if she does want DCs, or thinks she might at some point, then she can leave the relationship for someone who does want children with her.

It's not the vasectomy I have any issue with, that's the man's right to choose, it's that he wasn't planning on telling his DP. That's the bit I feel is wrong; hiding something that important.

You can reopen the tubes cut in a vasectomy but many men produce antibodies to their sperm after a vasectomy so it should be regarded as permanent as for many men it is.

How did your meet up with him go OP?

it's the deceit.

There is no love in this decision. It closes down the options without informing the so-called partner.

That makes it a betrayal.