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Original poster

Secret vasectomy

274 replies

30somethingm · 05/02/2015 15:39

A friend of mine has had a secret vasectomy while his partner is away visiting her family who have emigrated for retirement (she was gone a for just over 3 weeks). They are both 33 and when they got together said they would "probably not" have children. I think the fact that he has done this secretly suggests she has been leaning towards ambivalence or possibly even having them. However I think it is awful he has done this in secret.

WIBU for telling her? This is an old friend from childhood so am not keen on ruining our friendship - I just think he is being a dick and behaving as badly as people who secretly withdraw from using contraception. He has only just told me, and she returns next week.

OP posts:
differentnameforthis · 12/02/2015 09:50

microferret You seem very invested in getting me to visit punternet, I think I'll pass, if you don't mind.

I don't want to see sexism, and I don't remember saying MN is sexist...but in answer to your question 'what do I expect from a site entitled Mumsnet" (which actually has the phrase "by PARENTS for PARENTS") that I expect people who aren't even posting here not to be called dicks & have their entire lives & choices slammed because MN supports women.

Oh & I hate the way 'projecting' is thrown at people who hold a different to others on here. It isn't projection to share an opinion!

microferret · 12/02/2015 10:51

850Pro - it seems ridiculous to have to point this out again, but a secret termination would not mean kids were out of the question forever, rather that the woman in question hadn't felt ready to carry a pregnancy to term at that particular moment in time. A secret hysterectomy would, and if a woman I knew had had one I would tell her partner if she wasn't going to.

It is only fair that this woman knows the situation she's in. It is wrong of this man to keep something from her that may later ruin her ability to have healthy biological children. If kids are on the cards for her but not for him it's important she knows this so she can make an informed choice about the future of their relationship.

microferret · 12/02/2015 11:00

Differentname - the OP is a MAN.

You are projecting. You have spent the whole thread listing possible reasons why this man isn't doing a bad thing even when it is obvious that he is being deliberately deceitful about something incredibly relevant to his DP's life and future.

Mumsnet is for all parents, yes, but given that the majority of posters are straight females it is no surprise that some of them complain about their husbands, and that other posters sometimes support them. If you look however at other threads where OPs complain about female friends or relatives you will find the same response. You seem determined to frame this discussion as being anti-men when it is actually just anti-lying.

NeedsAsockamnesty · 13/02/2015 00:37

Has any one come up with a feasible good reason to not disclose a sterilisation to a commited sexual partner yet?

I'm usually quite keen on supporting the "my private info nothing to do with you" stance but so far assuming we are talking about a none abusive relationship I can't think of one.

differentnameforthis · 13/02/2015 03:08

Differentname - the OP is a MAN. Well aware of that, thanks! My point is, that no one even knows what the background to this is, yet they have jumped all over the male side of the relationship in support of the woman. AS USUAL!

microferret · 13/02/2015 07:46

Differentname I'm sorry that is just rubbish. I see tons of threads where a woman complains about a DP only to be told she is being unfair. If you approach all conversations on MN with the mindset that posters are only taking the woman's side because they're women then you're going to see what you expect to see rather than reality.

Based on the information given by the OP it sounds as though the man in question, though a decent person, in this case is being a dick. What else are we supposed to go on, if not the information given by the OP? Or do you think nobody should discuss any relationship in this forum unless the other person involved has come on MN and given their side of the story?

This thread is supposed to be about a secret vasectomy, not you venting your personal frustration on perceived injustices against the male sex. I personally think if you want to do that there might be threads in which the guilt of the male party is a little less blatantly obvious. Goodbye.

Fairenuff · 13/02/2015 08:21

they have jumped all over the male side of the relationship in support of the woman. AS USUAL!

Yeah, this man is getting a real bashing

Hmm

This is just one recent example but there are loads of threads where posters are supportive to men. You are making yourself look a bit silly by insisting otherwise when, if you bother to take the time to look, you can see for yourself that posters do support men.

Also, plenty of posters are men. Usernames don't come with a gender label. It would be better to just make your point based on the information in the thread, not on some made up statistics imo.

jasper · 13/02/2015 09:14

agree with differentname.
absolute bias against men in MN . not by everyone or on every thread.
I've noticed whenever a man comes on and asks advice from us "ladies" he gets a bashing for using that term.

Many women come on and ask for advice from us ladies and no one bats an eye!

the bloke can go off and get a vasectomy without telling his partner if he likes.
hope he intends telling her when she gets home

SugarOnTop · 14/02/2015 19:16

well if anybody disagrees with the bias against men on MN, then just take a look at this (similar) thread....about a woman deliberately deceiving her partner into getting her pregnant - the main consensus seems to be that she has a right to do exactly as she pleases and the OP is wrong for wanting to tell his friend!
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2306561-Query-for-a-moral-dilemma?

DustBunnyFarmer · 14/02/2015 19:50

"Ladies" is not popular in some circles because it implies a value judgement (i.e nice, acceptable fragrant women as opposed to sluts, slappers, fishwives, hairy legged feminists etc). Women is neutral and avoids the value judgement aspect.

I don't agree with duping a man into a pregnancy he doesn't want. I have a(n) (ex)friend who did this and, quite frankly, I think less of her now. It totally fucked over her much older husband's plans for retirement and they already have kids together. On the other hand, I think in those situations if the man really, really doesn't want a pregnancy he should take over responsibility for contraception (condoms, vasectomy) or stop ejaculating sperm into his partner.

GatoradeMeBitch · 14/02/2015 20:33

This is a woman-centric forum, Mumsnet, there will be a slight bias. Go to any male majority board or even a neutral one like Reddit or DigiSpy and see if you can find any sympathy towards women on this type of thread.

Iggi999 · 15/02/2015 09:33

Sugarontop I suggest you practise your reading skills if that is the conclusion you've reached about that thread!

TheRainDrops · 15/02/2015 09:46

This exact scenario happened to a relative of mine. Her husband came clean about the vasectomy eventually, but my relative ended up divorcing him not so much because of the procedure itself but the total lack of respect and honesty that went along with his decision to have it done in secret without any prior discussion. (They both were not keen on having kids, but evidently he felt more strongly about that than she did).
Hopefully your friend will be honest himself eventually but you might want to give him this story as a cautionary tale...

Fairenuff · 15/02/2015 12:00

That other thread is almost like it's made up purposely to counteract this one isn't it. It's uncanny.

There are a couple of differences though in as much as if the man is not taking care of contraception himself, he cannot be 100% sure that he won't get someone pregnant so if he really doesn't want children he should be using a condom at the very least. Even if she is using a contraceptive, it won't be 100% effective so he knows he is running the risk of an unwanted pregnancy anyway, albeit a much smaller risk.

The other difference is that it is not stopping anyone from having children, but it is bringing an unwanted child into the world.

I do think that the majority of posters are supporting the woman, but not all.

Iggi999 · 15/02/2015 12:21

Posters say she is being "despicable"; "immoral"; "sabotaging a life"; "break all ties"; "she's a disgrace" etc. There are posters saying it's none of the OP's business, but only two suggesting a "happy accident" would be ok.

It does a whiff of the bridge about it!

SugarOnTop · 15/02/2015 17:19

iggi my reading skills are perfectly fine......maybe you need to remove your blinkers.......

Pennies · 22/02/2015 09:34

OP - did you hear from your friend again? Interested to know what happened.

Sallystyle · 22/02/2015 12:51

I would tell her.

I would not be able to sleep at night knowing this women believes she has a chance of having children with this man in the future when she doesn't. I also think she has a right to know exactly what kind of man she is with.

I wouldn't care about losing this friend either. I couldn't remain friends with someone who thinks it is acceptable to not tell your partner he has been sterilised so for me it would be an easy decision.

Fairenuff · 26/02/2015 18:41

Did you manage to speak to your friend OP? Has he had a change of heart and decided to tell her, or is he still angry with you?

Original poster
30somethingm · 08/03/2015 22:33

He told her and they have split "temporarily" (according to him) as she is livid that he did this secretly. She still doesn't want kids, but he said he did it as was paranoid she'd change her mind and secretly stop taking the pill.

He has been away on business in Scotland for a week, so have not been able to get more info. Guessing though that the relationship is on shaky ground despite what he told me!

OP posts:
2rebecca · 09/03/2015 00:21

It sounds as though they don't trust each other and are better apart.

Bogeyface · 09/03/2015 00:35

Does he not see the irony in him having a secret vasectomy because she might secretly stop taking her pill?!

Well obviously he doesnt, but OP, you were right by saying that if he didnt tell her then you would.

loveblackcats · 09/03/2015 00:46

none of your busy ness not worth getting involved

Kittymum03 · 09/03/2015 06:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Fairenuff · 09/03/2015 08:03

Thanks for letting us know how it went OP. I'm glad he decided to do the right thing and tell her. It's a massive secret to keep, I'm not in the least surprised that she is upset with him and that they have separated.