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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Secret vasectomy

274 replies

30somethingm · 05/02/2015 15:39

A friend of mine has had a secret vasectomy while his partner is away visiting her family who have emigrated for retirement (she was gone a for just over 3 weeks). They are both 33 and when they got together said they would "probably not" have children. I think the fact that he has done this secretly suggests she has been leaning towards ambivalence or possibly even having them. However I think it is awful he has done this in secret.

WIBU for telling her? This is an old friend from childhood so am not keen on ruining our friendship - I just think he is being a dick and behaving as badly as people who secretly withdraw from using contraception. He has only just told me, and she returns next week.

OP posts:
differentnameforthis · 08/02/2015 00:07

That's the bit I feel is wrong; hiding something that important.

But WHY does he feel he has to hide it?

Original poster
30somethingm · 08/02/2015 01:13

It is interesting to hear other perspectives on related issues, eg the happy accident!

Drinks with him was a disaster. He got angry when I told him he must tell her, and then stormed out when I said I would if he didn't. He is ignoring all texts and calls now, so will let him stew for a few days. She is back early in the week. I'll try and chat to him soon, but hopefully he will at least think now!

OP posts:
Fuckmath · 08/02/2015 02:41

If I were the friend, I would want to be told. Then would immediately dump the boyfriend.

Kittymum03 · 08/02/2015 04:26

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BoneyBackJefferson · 08/02/2015 09:03

Why is it shocking that someone wants their friend to keep a secret? Surely that is part of what friendship is about. If the OP feels that she can't keep the secret then maybe she should distance herself from them.

skylark2 · 08/02/2015 09:08

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Fairenuff · 08/02/2015 09:10

Wow he really does not want her to know.

As to why we may never know. Unless she confides in your OP. But definitely tell her because his reasons for keeping it a secret look decidedly dodgy at the moment.

NorksAreMessy · 08/02/2015 09:15
Hmm
fancyanotherfez · 08/02/2015 09:16

He had it privately. It was mentioned further up thread. He sounds like a real piece of work. the only reason for not telling her is that she has changed her mind and he doesn't want her to leave him because he doesn't want kids.

tumbletumble · 08/02/2015 09:28

OP please, please tell her. I am really upset about the thought of her not knowing.

BoneyBackJefferson · 08/02/2015 09:28

fair

His dodgy reasons are that he does not want kids.

fancy

As its his partner that has changed her mind I suspect that him not wanting kids would be a deal breaker anyway.

JenniferGovernment · 08/02/2015 09:32

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

meandjulio · 08/02/2015 09:43

I don't agree that decisions about contraception have to be agreed by both parties, but I do believe they should be discussed.

My xh told me he was having a vasectomy beforehand. Ultimately it was helpful as it meant I couldn't stick my head in the sand any longer. If he'd done it and not told me I would have spent years longer than I did secretly hoping for a different future. We divorced relatively amicably and the whole situation was a source of regret, not tearing agony and misery. He told you, and IMO I would be prepared to lose his friendship by telling her, though I would give him a couple of months to come clean.

Fairenuff · 08/02/2015 09:45

fair

His dodgy reasons are that he does not want kids.

No, Boney I meant his reasons for keeping it a secret.

Fine if he doesn't want kids, he has said that all along and no-one on this thread has said that he shouldn't have a vasectomy.

It's the keeping it a secret that's causing the response from posters.

I think that maybe she has changed her mind and he has agreed to try, or something like that. That would explain why he got so angry when he realised that he was going to have to come clean with her.

BoneyBackJefferson · 08/02/2015 10:06

faire

given his stance it may be that he has been pressured in to TTC, or it may be that his partner has had several "scares" even though they have decided not to have kids and he doesn't trust her to take contraceptives, she could be controlling or he could be a dick, we don't know.

JenniferGovernment
"The fact that he stormed out is very telling"

Yes its telling that he has told a friend something in confidence and she is now holding him to ransom.

30something

Have you asked him why he is doing this in secret?

Fairenuff · 08/02/2015 10:15

given his stance it may be that he has been pressured in to TTC, or it may be that his partner has had several "scares" even though they have decided not to have kids and he doesn't trust her to take contraceptives, she could be controlling or he could be a dick, we don't know.

Yes, it could be.

But it still doesn't explain why he would keep it a secret.

And why he would be angry if she knew.

It does sound like to start with he was pleased with himself and enjoying his own 'cleverness' at hiding it from her. Now OP has told him that he owes it to her tell her, he is not so smug.

He is acting like a man caught out. But it is odd that he told OP. He should have kept it to himself really. Guilty conscience?

BoneyBackJefferson · 08/02/2015 10:22

faire

The op hasn't asked him why he did this in secret, if she did then it would be a much easier to find a consensus.

Is he acting like a man caught out or someone that expected help and didn't get it?

The OP being furious with him and telling him what to do shows her bias in this.

When a;ll is said and done this could be a cry for help. (or not)

engeika · 08/02/2015 10:50

For me if a good friend of mine was about to interfere in my relationship I would drop the friend.

How many of us tell friends all sorts of things in confidence - because we trust them.

It is up to the "wife" to deal with her husband/partner. She will work it out soon enough if she is TTC and if she too is not being honest,(ie pretending to take contraceptive precautions), then sooner or later it will all come out.

I would seriously not interfere. It is not your business

Fairenuff · 08/02/2015 11:08

Is he acting like a man caught out or someone that expected help and didn't get it?

What help? He wasn't asking for help, he was just telling OP something. Do you not agree that the woman has a right to know? It's quite important in a relationship.

Apart from you, Boney, I don't think anyone on this thread has said that it would be a good idea to keep this a secret from his partner.

What on earth could be his reasoning for not telling her?

Fairenuff · 08/02/2015 11:11

Oh, and engeika I see Grin

Although I'm not sure how 'she will work it out soon enough if she is TTC'. Most couples would try for at least a year before they start thinking about being referred for fertility tests. And what would he tell her then?

yellowdinosauragain · 08/02/2015 11:13

I'd also be fairly pissed off if i told a friend something in confidence that they then threatened to tell my partner about.

However in this instance I think it's justified. I think it's totally shocking that he has done this without telling her. Completely his choice about having the vasectomy or not but abhorrent that he considers this woman to be his partner yet is prepared to do this, which could have a huge impact on her life, and not tell her.

I'd tell her, after giving him a couple of weeks to do it himself, even if it cost me my friendshi.

yellowdinosauragain · 08/02/2015 11:15

And it very much reads that perhaps she had changed her mind about children and he knows he will lose her if he's not prepared to try. So he is selfishly deciding that his right to stay in a relationship with her trumps her potential wish to break up and find someone else to have children with. I can't think of any other reason why he wouldn't tell her. Wanker.

Tyzer85 · 08/02/2015 11:38

Nobody knows why he has had the snip but I like how you're all judging the guy and making assumptions.

I'm not saying he's gone about it the right way and I do think his partner needs to be told but it's not up to the OP to tell her IMHO.

Brandysnapper · 08/02/2015 11:55

I am happy to judge a guy for lying to his partner and potentially wasting her fertile years!

Fairenuff · 08/02/2015 11:56

It's not making assumptions though. Look at the facts as they have been presented.

  1. They are both 33 and when they got together said they would "probably not" have children.

  2. Man has a vasectomy whilst his partner is away.

  3. Man gets cross when told that he has to tell his partner.

1 is fine, 2 is fine but 3 suggests that he does not want partner to know. If OP doesn't tell her, who will?

Do you think she should be left in the dark Tyzer?