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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To consider gender selection in Cyprus

213 replies

Dreamalittledream7 · 02/02/2015 12:03

I am currently pregnant with #4, 22 weeks and it's a little boy. This will be our third boy, we do have a daughter but we where hoping baby would be a girl and our family would be complete.
I hate the thought that my girl experience was ruined by PND and that I barely remember it, I want another little girl to love and bring up, I also hate the thought of my daughter never having a sister to play with.

Would it be mad to go and do this to get a girl? My husband is a bit shocked by my suggestion but he's being supportive.

OP posts:
DropYourSword · 02/02/2015 12:54

Her pregnancy has nothing to do with anyone else's fertility issues.

Well said.

FlipperSkipper · 02/02/2015 12:56

Please enjoy the children you have. Your daughter does not need a sister - mine has made my life hell. As for dreaming of two of each - I'd be grateful for any child, but can't have any. You are very lucky to have 4 healthy children.

LayMeDown · 02/02/2015 12:56

Look you are disappointed because you thought you were having one gender and got your head around that. You'd probably built a picture of your family with two of each and then suddenly thats changed. I understand. With all three of mine I had a strong feeling about genders and with all three I was completely wrong. So its sort of a shock to adjust your mental image of your family.
On my 3rd (you'd think I'd have learned by then!) I was absolutely sure it would be a girl. I didnt actually mind one way or the other. We had one of each already so I genuinely wasn't bothered. But when the doctor said at the scan it was a boy, I was shocked and actually upset. I realised after that it was for DD I was upset. I am one of 3 girls and I always assumed she would have a sister. Again just a mental picture I had built sub conciously. I got over it within a couple of hours. And DD is fine. She loves bossing her little brothers and they adore her and run to her for cuddles. She has friends and cousins and me, she'll be grand. But I guess you always want at least what you had for your kids. And I have a lovely bond with my sisters so I was sad for the fact she would never have that chance.

Life doesnt always work the way you think it will. You just have to roll with it. I wouldnt go for gender selection. A girl baby is not going to fill that gap caused by the PND, and nor is it neccessarily going to provide a sisterly bond for your DD. I got lucky with my sisters but not all sisters grow up close. Embrace the family you have. Help them grow up as pals, having each others backs and they'll have good sibling relationships regardless of gender.

squoosh · 02/02/2015 12:57

I grew up with four brothers. Never for a moment wished I had a sister.

paddyclampo · 02/02/2015 12:58

I think a lot of people have a preference but are afraid to admit it. The OP was initially told she was having a girl, at which she was ecstatic, only to be told a matter of weeks later that she was in fact having a boy. In those weeks she had probably bonded with the baby she thought she was having so I can kind of see why she's upset.

At no point has she suggested that she doesn't love the children she already has!

Hoppinggreen · 02/02/2015 12:58

I had a daughter, I really wanted a girl and I suffered from PND
Then I had a boy, I really wanted another girl. No PND that time.
So if you want a girl to " cure" your PND then YABU.
In fact YABU anyway, appreciate what you have, we can't and shouldn't be able to design our babies to suit us

MarshaBrady · 02/02/2015 12:58

I think it would be fantastic to grow up surrounded by brothers.

WhereIsMyFurryHat · 02/02/2015 12:58

Mrsdevere you are right I should't feel more for those without a certain gender than those with yet wanting another of said gender. The OPs feeling of gender disappointment are very real despite what other think. I second the previous poser who suggested talking to someone might help, OP, especially if you find your feelings deepen. I'm sorry you are feeling like this and please ignore my previous judgement, sorry, I am very hormonal (newly pregnant Shock ).

MrsDeVere · 02/02/2015 13:01

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
Dreamalittledream7 · 02/02/2015 13:04

I understand everyone's rage if they read it in the disgusting way that some have. I would never ever abort! Not for any reason, it's inhumane.

But just because I thought it was a girl and find it hard to believe that they're sahing he's a boy doesn't make me a bad person, I hate it when someone comments saying there is something wrong with their baby etc as it's just a guilt trip tbh, it's not my fault that's happened!?!

OP posts:
MrsDeVere · 02/02/2015 13:05

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MrsLemonLyman · 02/02/2015 13:05

YABVU. How sad for the little boy you're carrying, and the girl who it seems didn't give you a good enough girl experience.

Btw, gender selection isn't always successful, so there never is a guarantee.

Sn00p4d · 02/02/2015 13:06

Yeah I'm not hiding that well am I?! Grin
Apologies for taking my own grief out on OP, it's a difficult topic for me and as much as the logical part of my brain is aware that your pregnancy is nothing to do with my issues it doesn't make it hurt any less.

Enjoyingmycoffee1981 · 02/02/2015 13:08

You have a girl, so your girl experience is not ruined. It is ongoing. Focus the effort that you would channel in to a fifth pregnancy and going to Cyprus etc. in to your relationship with your daughter (and indeed your sons).

suboptimal · 02/02/2015 13:09

I think the flaming is unfair.

It sounds like you haven't properly dealt with the bad experience you had after giving birth to your girl.

Do you think you need some help to separate what is your current feeling about more children and gender and what is a hangover from your past experience.

Viviennemary · 02/02/2015 13:10

It's dreadful. You're not in a supermarket looking for your chosen brand. Gender selection is the work of the devil if it's pure choice. Different if it's for inherited conditions.

WannaBe · 02/02/2015 13:11

good god I can't believe some of the overreactions on this thread. One of the most upsetting posts on mumsnet? op should change her thread title? ask for the thread to be deleted? WTAF?

Op's thread title didn't read anything near her wanting to have a termination so as to have another girl, anyone who assumed that is projecting their own issues.

The fact is that gender selection exists as a procedure in other countries. Do I agree with it? no. Would I do it? no. Do I understand anyone else's desire to do it? no not really. But regardless of what I or others may think, it is still a valid procedure in other countries and as such other people will have their own views which should not be shot down just because that might be upsetting to someone else.

MoanCollins · 02/02/2015 13:11

Your 'girl experience'. You do realise you're talking about another human being? Not a day at a theme park.

Her sister must be at least 6-7 years older than her. They probably won't be close anyway.

DropYourSword · 02/02/2015 13:13

Sn00p wishing the very best for your little girl

IPityThePontipines · 02/02/2015 13:18

The reactions on this thread are ludicrous as are people completely making things up and other people responding to that, rather then what OP has said.

Also:

"Her sister must be at least 6-7 years older than her. They probably won't be close anyway."

What a silly thing to say. As has been discussed many times on MN, age gaps are no indicator of a sibling relationship.

OP - I understand the desire to want to "do-over" the experience you had with your first daughter, but I think it would be better (and cheaper) to look into counselling to come to terms having PND, then going through a very complicated and exhausting process.

I would possibly recommend having the thread moved to avoid being besieged by people parping their outrage horns.

Original poster
Dreamalittledream7 · 02/02/2015 13:19

No, my daughters 2 and my little boy is 1

OP posts:
KnittedJimmyChoos · 02/02/2015 13:20

I dont think you are BU actually! Its perfectly natural to want one or other sex esp when you have some already!

I have several family members with 5 boys...as they kept going for that girl.

so no, horrid comments to you op.

I lost my mother early and really wanted a girl so I could have that mother daughter thing back....is that a crime!

Alll I will say is....personality and what people actually do and like are not really sex related.

IE I know plenty of men who are more like what women are supposed to be like and more women who are more like what men are supposed to be like, so its all a load of crap...and the aunts with boys and one girl...didnt get on with the girl but very close to one of the boys....

you never know. good luck though with the baby nature doesnt just come in form of babies sex.

Quenelle · 02/02/2015 13:22

You can't help feeling the way you do, OP, I'm not underestimating how hard the PND must have been for you, but I think you are idealising the two of each sex thing here. There is no reason why two girls would be close, or why a boy and girl wouldn't play together.

I never played with my sister when we were kids, only with my brother. Now we're all grown up we're equally close to each other.

trulybadlydeeply · 02/02/2015 13:27

That's a lot of pregnancies and therefore pregnancy hormones you've had in a short space of time OP, if you have a 2 year old a one year old, and are currently pregnant (as well as having an older one as well). It sounds like your PND was never fully addressed / treated, and pregnancy hormones may mean you are currently all over the place anyway, as well as prenatal depression also being a possibility.

You are, of course, entitled to feel how you feel, and take what ever course of action you choose. Bear in mind though that this may not be the best time to be thinking about all this, and also that IVF itself doesn't always work, so you may have to spend a great deal of money to get a successful pregnancy.

Endler32 · 02/02/2015 13:29

What a sad post, OP I think you are grieving for the time you missed with your dd whilst you were unwell, maybe you need some counselling to help you get over the guilt?

As for the gender selection I think you ABU, you have a daughter and 3 sons, you are lucky to already have 2 genders and 4 healthy children, your daughter will be fine growing up with 3 brothers.