To get a cleaner behind DH's back??

[Writerwannabe83]

Long standing issue of me wanting to get a cleaner and him not. He reckons he doesn't want a stranger in the house and that we can just do the cleaning ourselves. Needless to say he hardly ever does housework and his 'we can do the housework' will mean that I end up doing it all.

We've been having this discussion for months and I've had enough and am thinking of just going ahead without his knowledge.

He's going away for a week soon so I was thinking that in his absence I could have a cleaner come in to do one of those major, full house deep cleans and then make a regular arrangement with them to come weekly or fortnightly to keep on top of everything. I would obviously arrange this for a time when DH is at work The reason for keeping it all a secret is so he can't moan about a stranger having been in the house

Personally I see no harm in this as I am so sick of his 'stranger' excuse and his indecision and I'm also tired of living in a house where housework never seems to get done

I wouldn't do anything behind my DH's back knowing full well it would piss him off, so IMO YABU.

Well, why don't you make a list of all the things that need doing in the house, split it in half and tell him you're going to pay someone to do your half and you're not going to do anything else.

Make sure "washing, drying and ironing your clothes" is mentioned in your list!

I think it would be preferable to just tell him straight, "I have given you x opportunities to do housework and you haven't, so I have employed a cleaner."

Ooh I like imperials idea!!!

I could have written your post op. Same issue here. not worth the fall out of he finds out?

My dh didn't want a cleaner (and would still prefer not to have one), our compromise was that she doesn't go in his man cave study (and I don't either so it's filthy - his problem).

Does your dh have something similar that he doesn't want people going in that you could compromise on?

YABU to ask.

Just tell him you are having one unless he's going to do half and give him a fortnight to prove he'll step up. Do it in his face, not behind his back.

Why doesn't he do anything? Where does he think clean clothes and meals come from? Is it because he does fuck all that he doesn't know how long housework can actually take so thinks it's no big deal?

What happens if the cleaner turns up one day when he is at home better to be up front all round I think!

Dont ask. Just let him know.

My DH didn't want a cleaner either, but because of cost rather than strangers in the house. But he didn't pull his weight with doing it ourselves, I informed him that I wasn't prepared to pick up his slack and that we would be getting a cleaner. He got over it.

I agree with the fortnight to pull his finger out and then openly arrange a cleaner.

Your DH has had months to pull his finger out. Get a cleaner and tell him he's a lazy slob why.

Don't do it behind his back. I mean go ahead while he's away, that's fine, but then tell him you have done it and tell him it's because he doesn't pull his weight and you have had enough.

Just stop doing the cleaning. If he's so happy to do it, let him get on with it. If he starts moaning about it tell him the option is there to get a cleaner but you won't be doing it any more.

YANBU. Do it. And make him pay half.

Are you allowed any 'strangers' in the house?
Presumably some people you may invite in are strangers to him.
Why don't you organise a one off clean,take the day off work and clean with them.
They soon won't be a stranger.
Then invite them round for coffee (and a bit of cleaning ) when you're both in.

I like the idea of telling them to stay out of 'his room' - it's that filthy I would be too embarrassed for them to go in there anyway!!!

if you do it behind his back it will feed his delusion that he is the boss of you and you need his permission. that's waht would piss me off.
if you want a cleaner, get one.

and deal with his reaction as a separate issue.

If he puts your through hell for it then come back to mn.

You can have some places as off limits eg your bedroom

But no, lying isn't a great plan

If you had a cleaner would you be at home at the same time? If so then his argument is invalid. If you are not going to be at home, can you find a cleaner that cleans for friends and you know is good and trustworthy? then they will not be a stranger.

I would go ahead with the one off deep clean when he is away. Talk to him again when he is back.

I've tried all manner of threats, bribes and compromises with him in terms of us doing the housework ourselves and absolutely nothing works. The bottom line is that he can't be bothered, ignores it, doesn't care etc - I'm sick of trying to second guess and understand his reasons.

I feel like he has left me no option