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AIBU?

To get a cleaner behind DH's back??

140 replies

Writerwannabe83 · 01/02/2015 10:44

Long standing issue of me wanting to get a cleaner and him not. He reckons he doesn't want a stranger in the house and that we can just do the cleaning ourselves. Needless to say he hardly ever does housework and his 'we can do the housework' will mean that I end up doing it all.

We've been having this discussion for months and I've had enough and am thinking of just going ahead without his knowledge.

He's going away for a week soon so I was thinking that in his absence I could have a cleaner come in to do one of those major, full house deep cleans and then make a regular arrangement with them to come weekly or fortnightly to keep on top of everything. I would obviously arrange this for a time when DH is at work The reason for keeping it all a secret is so he can't moan about a stranger having been in the house

Personally I see no harm in this as I am so sick of his 'stranger' excuse and his indecision and I'm also tired of living in a house where housework never seems to get done

OP posts:

Report

Osirus · 01/02/2015 11:12

Ultimatum. He helps or you're getting a cleaner. Give him a deadline. Do not do it behind his back - sneaking around will not make for a happy marriage.

SnowWhiteAteTheApple · 01/02/2015 11:15

I can understand him not wanting a stranger in the house as I wouldn't and would be livid if DH did this behind my back.

If you are paying for it yourself then maybe see if you can get a recommendation from someone you know and then talk to DH and see if he is willing to meet with them. Or give him the option, you spend a weekend together having a good sort out and deep clean then agree tasks for the week. Cleaning doesn't take that long, I spend less than an hour a day bar ironing day.

AnnieLobeseder · 01/02/2015 11:16

Then tell him straight. He isn't prepared to do it. You are also not prepared to do it, and it's not your job any more than it is his. So ask him who exactly he expects to do it then.

Me624 · 01/02/2015 11:19

My DH was the same but he eventually caved and agreed to it after I moaned about it enough. We got one who came recommended by several people locally, she also cleans our next door neighbours' house. She does such a great job that DH now waxes lyrical about her and has recommended her to several other friends, he's a total covert now!

Apatite1 · 01/02/2015 11:21

If he doesn't do the housework, why on earth should you? I wouldn't do anything sneaky, just inform him you're hiring a cleaner and the matter is no longer for debate.

Nolim · 01/02/2015 11:22

Who did all the cleaning when he was little? Was his mum a sahm? If so he may think that the hose cleans itself.

It does not.

Tangoandcreditcards · 01/02/2015 11:26

OP I could have written your post a couple of years ago. I seriously thought about a "secret cleaner" but because my DP's reasons were the same as yours I'd have felt too bad! (Like a violation of his space)

Anyway, DP used to do some cleaning just not as much as me or as thoroughly as I'd like (!!)

It took 2 years of "persuasion" and 1 baby/toddler arriving (v good housework prevention device) and we eventually got a cleaner.

Play the long game!

MsJupiter · 01/02/2015 11:28

I think pp are correct that you should just do it, but tell him. Don't keep secrets.

Might he be more open to the spring cleaning idea? DH had very strong feelings against getting a cleaner as he felt we should do it all ourselves but we are both crap at it and the house was overwhelming us. It came to a head when we had a lodger so tried it out, 3 hrs/ fortnight and just bathroom, kitchen and lodger's room. Once he could see how much nicer things were and how much less stressed I was, he came round to the idea. Maybe if you tell (not ask) him you're getting a deep clean done, when he comes back you can say it went so well you are getting the same cleaner back for some more work.

In the meantime don't make it easy for him, just do your share and don't pick up his slack. Otherwise he won't feel the need.

redexpat · 01/02/2015 11:30

I said to my dh almost exactly what littleleftie has suggested. Coupled with when you were on scout camp i did less housework because you never clearing up after yourself really creates that much extra work for me. It stops here.

He had the decency to look ashamed. His was the stranger argument as well. Getting someone recommended by a friend helped ease his fears.

Writerwannabe83 · 01/02/2015 11:31

His dad actually did the cleaning and housework in his parent's marriage. His dad is still super duper house proud.

DH moved out to go to Uni for 5 years so no doubt lived in student squalor and following the end of Uni he moved in with his long term girlfriend who I think did most things around the house. When they split up he was seeing another woman for 15 months who he will admit did everything. They didn't live together officially but she spent all her time there and would do all house related stuff, I think she was trying to show him that she was 'good wife' material

Anyway, they split up and 6 months down the line he met me who had never been prepared to be his domestic slave

OP posts:

meandjulio · 01/02/2015 11:31

Tell him that you are no longer prepared to live like this, that he doesn't do it despite numerous opportunities and that you hate doing it and it is making you miserable. Then ask him 'since we are going to have a cleaner, what will make you feel better about doing this'? e.g. the cleaner starts early so that she doesn't hold a set of keys and he lets her in each time? 3 references re the cleaner plus a DBS check? Give him a say, but not a veto.

tobysmum77 · 01/02/2015 11:33

Just tell him to grow up, you are getting a cleaner. End of conversation. Ask around to find someone reliable and trustworthy.

SoMuchForSubtlety · 01/02/2015 11:35

Why do you need his permission?

Nolim · 01/02/2015 11:37

Tell him to follow his dads example to do all the house work and be proud about it.

Writerwannabe83 · 01/02/2015 11:40

The problem is that we both work long hours and we have a baby and to be honest neither of us feel like we have the energy for it. We only get one day a week where we are both off together and we want to do something as a family, not do housework

OP posts:

magoria · 01/02/2015 11:42

What meand says.

Tell him you have discussed. He hasn't improved and you are getting one.

Nolim · 01/02/2015 11:45

Same here. Our family time is more valuable that what a cleaner charges. And for peace of mind one of us works from home when the cleaner comes.

Writerwannabe83 · 01/02/2015 11:55

I don't know if I could sit there whilst someone cleaned around me

I think my DH would also be embarrassed about people knowing we had a cleaner, I.e the neighbours.

OP posts:

ImperialBlether · 01/02/2015 11:56

He's not embarrassed that you do it all, though?

AnnieLobeseder · 01/02/2015 12:01

Fine, if he's embarrassed to have a cleaner, he can do the work. But he can't have his cake and eat it.

PopularNamesInclude · 01/02/2015 12:01

Yanbu to hire a cleaner. Do it. Do not hide it. if he is too lazy to clean, then you need a cleaner. Or is he under the mistaken impression that YOU are the cleaner??

Lweji · 01/02/2015 12:04

I would probably tell him I was getting the cleaner and if he doesn't like it, then he should do his share of the housework. At the first failure, the cleaner would be called in.

I don't know if I could sit there whilst someone cleaned around me

I tend to tidy up when I have the cleaner in, go shopping, sort out the laundry, and so on.

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IAmAllImportant · 01/02/2015 12:07

I have just informed DP that we are getting a cleaner. Don't think he is happy about it but neither of us is enthusiastic about housework.

I wouldn't do it behind his back though.

Our house is a state and my friend has just set up a cleaning business. She is giving me a reduced rate and coming for three hours this week. We will be sorting the kitchen together. I get this reduced rate for 18 months, until I qualify, then I pay her properly. Initially we will be sorting together then she will come in and do maintenance weekly alone.

What I will be doing in return is telling everyone how wonderful she is (true).

She is also relishing the challenge.

CalicoBlue · 01/02/2015 12:13

I don't know why anyone would be ashamed to have a cleaner. I would be surprised if any of my working friends did not have a cleaner and most of my SAHM friends have one too. Keeps the home nice and clean and give you time to do things you wanted to.

My cleaner only works during term time, as she is also my childcare. When she is looking after the kids she cleans the house. Lovely to come home to a clean and tidy house. When it is school holidays I hate having to do the cleaning, though never do it to her standard.

SoMuchForSubtlety · 01/02/2015 12:16

I don't know if I could sit there whilst someone cleaned around me

I make a point of trying to avoid "female" guilt. I love our cleaner, she makes our house so much nicer than I ever can be bothered to. I chat to her if I'm here when she comes and try not to get in her way, but I have no issues with watching someone else clean my house. I think it slightly belittles cleaning (and by extension"wife work") to be honest, the guilt about getting a cleaner - no one gives a second thought to most tradies being better at their jobs than the average DIYer, why would cleaning be different?

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