To get a cleaner behind DH's back??

[Writerwannabe83]

Long standing issue of me wanting to get a cleaner and him not. He reckons he doesn't want a stranger in the house and that we can just do the cleaning ourselves. Needless to say he hardly ever does housework and his 'we can do the housework' will mean that I end up doing it all.

We've been having this discussion for months and I've had enough and am thinking of just going ahead without his knowledge.

He's going away for a week soon so I was thinking that in his absence I could have a cleaner come in to do one of those major, full house deep cleans and then make a regular arrangement with them to come weekly or fortnightly to keep on top of everything. I would obviously arrange this for a time when DH is at work The reason for keeping it all a secret is so he can't moan about a stranger having been in the house

Personally I see no harm in this as I am so sick of his 'stranger' excuse and his indecision and I'm also tired of living in a house where housework never seems to get done

[AnyFucker]

If he simply refuses to agree joint fund expenditure for a cleaner and will not step up and do his share then you have more problems than a simple difference in approach.

Although after what Bluestocking just said I also have an inkling that all this jolly chat about cleaners saving marriages and how your H is "a bit tight" are very much missing the point.

[BIWI]

Thing is, once the cleaner has been to your house a couple of times, he/she won't be a stranger any more, will they?

Just do it. Stop procrastinating on Mumsnet, find that leaflet you had and book a cleaner. And pay on your joint account.

[morethanpotatoprints]

YABU to do it behind his back, just tell him you are going to do it.
If he disagrees ask if he will join you writing up a rota splitting household jobs between you both.
That should sort him out.
If he goes for the rota idea let him know its on a trial basis to be reviewed.
When he starts to slack, tell him it isn't working and employ a cleaner.

[HeartsTrumpDiamonds]

You should both read Wifework. Especially him.

[AnyFucker]

OP, you have some very fundamental problems in your own approach to what constitutes a marriage.

Is there a lot you don't tell your H ? Essential purchases for the children, for example ? Basic stuff for you ? Perhaps you do stuff like reward him with blow jobs perchance for doing something that doesn't require a reward like "babysitting" his own children.

That kinda thing ?

[Jackiebrambles]

Christ on a bike Writer you haven't sorted this cleaner out yet?! :-)

Him saying 'it isn't going to happen' really annoys me. He sounds like an arse.

But I really don't think you can do it behind his back. I don't know what to suggest to be honest...

Also, he's worried about the neighbours?! Is he hyacinth bucket? Fucks sake!!

[Writerwannabe83]

anyfucker "Do you reward him with blow jobs"

He wishes!!!

Pregnancy and a baby have put an end to those, lol

[Writerwannabe83]

The flyer is still on the fridge so maybe the fact he's not taken it down is his form of agreement

[ObsessInPhases]

YABU. I'd go crazy if I had a wife who'd do that!! Respect your husband's wishes that he isn't comfortable with a stranger in the house. I wonder how your husband is eve able to trust you?! I'd never go behind his back, it's his home too!!!

[Writerwannabe83]

Perhaps he should partake in cleaning it then!!!!

[BarbarianMum]

Had the same with dh. Tried it his way for 3 months when my hours at work increased, then after 3 months of struggling and arguing I told him we were getting a cleaner and I did. He seems very happy with the arrangement now and bizarrely does more at home now (or maybe it just feels like more now we have a chance of staying on top of things).

[ObsessInPhases]

Then set some ground rules? You can't keep secrets from him, it damages the trust that marriages so very need.

[Writerwannabe83]

Believe me obsess I have tried. We have lived together for over four years now and compromises, bribes and threats have gotten me nowhere

[JADS]

Just get the cleaner! I thought you were the poster whose dh had suggested their mum did their cleaning but obviously not.

Is it always dh who object? I don't think I have ever read a post where the dh wants a cleaner and the wife doesn't.

[AnyFucker]

Do you really find all this funny, op ?

[Jackiebrambles]

I was thinking too, your little one presumably isn't walking yet, so when he does there is a whole new world of mess he'll create if he's anything like mine!

So it's only going to get worse....

[SolidGoldBrass]

I think you have a bigger problem than housework, OP. I think your H is abusive and someone who doesn't like women, and the issue of housework is where it shows most clearly.
It's not about him 'not seeing' dirt. It's about his conviction that you must do the domestic work, because you have a vagina, and you need to learn your place.
Your username suggests that you like to spend some of your time writing - I wonder if your H objects to this on the grounds that, being a person with a vagina, you shouldn't have any interests (outside paid work which the family budget needs) other than domestic work and childcare. Is he supportive of your writing or does he belittle or even sabotage it?

[sykadelic]

I'd tell him as "we" means "me" that it's not fair for him to make this unilateral decision for me to either live in squalor or be forced to clean up after everyone ALL the time, because he certainly doesn't do much to help.

Or, you could wait until he's gone and call him and say "I've got a cleaner coming tomorrow. I'll be here while they are, any room in particular you want them to avoid or anything you want me to put away?

[Nolim]

Solid: i think you are drawing conclusions without enough information. Bring lazy/abscent minded/messy/whatever does not equal being abusive or misogynist.

[JanineStHubbins]

Actually, having seen the OP's previous threads about her DH, I think Solid is spot on.

[Writerwannabe83]

DH is not abusive - he just hates housework

jackie - he took his first steps last week but thankfully hasn't tried again since

[LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett]

Oh Writer! FFS how is this still going on?

You are now working and you have a baby. You don't want to spend your precious time off cleaning. Your DP doesn't do his share. Just get a bloody cleaner. Pay for it yourself if you have to - I know it should be shared but you know what the most important thing here is that you assert your independence and move forward.

If DH has a 'man space' then don't get that cleaned and he can leave whatever shit he wants to keep private there. But break this deadlock because it is driving you nuts. And if your husband can't see that this is driving a huge wedge between you then he is a fool.

Sorry. Said with love. But enough.

[Shetland]

I had this problem and we reached a compromise.
I got cleaners in for a deep clean every 4 months (which I've quietly increased to every 3) but they don't do our bedroom - he also had issues with the privacy thing so that was the compromise.
I have DC3 due shortly and I fully intend to increase them to weekly forever for the first few months and I'm hoping he'll go for that because he's met them now and everything has been fine.

[Writerwannabe83]

lonny - you are 100% right!!! Sod it, I'm just going to do it!!