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AIBU?

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Original poster

To get a cleaner behind DH's back??

140 replies

Writerwannabe83 · 01/02/2015 10:44

Long standing issue of me wanting to get a cleaner and him not. He reckons he doesn't want a stranger in the house and that we can just do the cleaning ourselves. Needless to say he hardly ever does housework and his 'we can do the housework' will mean that I end up doing it all.

We've been having this discussion for months and I've had enough and am thinking of just going ahead without his knowledge.

He's going away for a week soon so I was thinking that in his absence I could have a cleaner come in to do one of those major, full house deep cleans and then make a regular arrangement with them to come weekly or fortnightly to keep on top of everything. I would obviously arrange this for a time when DH is at work Grin The reason for keeping it all a secret is so he can't moan about a stranger having been in the house Grin

Personally I see no harm in this as I am so sick of his 'stranger' excuse and his indecision and I'm also tired of living in a house where housework never seems to get done Grin

OP posts:
littleleftie · 01/02/2015 12:21

Quite.

OP would DH feel guilty about hiring a gardener, mechanic or a decorator?

There is no shame in getting someone in to do jobs you don't have the time/skills or inclination to do.

This includes cleaning.

Sparrowlegs248 · 01/02/2015 12:33

I think you should just tell him that you are getting a cleaner in to do xyz however many hours per week. He's being v.unreasonable and its perfect understandable to want to spend your one day a week together, doing something nice, not cleaning.

BallsforEarrings · 01/02/2015 12:41

We are a cleaning service and would never agree to be hired behind a partner's back that would be against our companies value systems and codes of conduct, it would also place our cleaners in an uncomfortable position should the husband/wife return home and find us there without their permission.

Should this occur we would take the client off our schedule for reasons stated we want a long term relationship with clients on HONEST terms!

I think you could maybe tell him there will be a cleaning service coming while he is away and then hopefully he will be so happy with the results and see your point of view! (This has happened btw!)

ImperialBlether · 01/02/2015 12:46

Tell him you'll do it his way six days a week and yours one day a week. Then hire the cleaners for four hours on the same day.

SolidGoldBrass · 01/02/2015 13:24

Tell him that you are hiring a cleaner because he is not doing his share of the housework, and that if he doesn't like it he can move out. You do not need his permission. He clearly thinks that housework should be done by you, because you are his inferior and his servant.

Original poster
Writerwannabe83 · 01/02/2015 13:53

ballsforearrings - I guess that scuppers my plan!! Shock Grin

Things never used to be like this between me and DH but up until very recently I had been at home for nearing 18 months and so we fell into the routine of me doing the Lion's share. It's only since DS came along (he's now 10m/o) and I didn't have the time to keep on top of everything that I realised how much I did do and how little DH did.

The arguments and frustration came to a head a few months ago and I really thought things would change but things are still pretty much the same. TBF to him he is out the house Monday-Friday 6.30-5pm so I absolutely don't expect him to do lots of housework when he gets gone or spend the weekend doing it, it simply is a case of us just having the time, energy or inclination.

He is happy to let things slide and live in a messy house whereas I'm not which is why I want a Cleaner.

I'm definitely no domestic goddess and I really CBA to do housework any more than he can, but the difference between us is that I will do it because I like the house to be tidy.

I just don't want the hassle or responsibility of it anymore.

I started back at work two weeks ago and now there's absolutely no doubt in my mind that a cleaner is needed because now the housework is no longer something I have the time for in order to keep things as clean as I would like them.

OP posts:
DakotaFanny · 01/02/2015 14:00

I would probably have the deep clean while he was away but not regular cleans. Perhaps you will feel better after one massive clean anyway, and a little more able to keep on top of it yourself?

I wonder if he would even notice??

Chunderella · 01/02/2015 14:07

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
Writerwannabe83 · 01/02/2015 14:18

The last time he fully agreed to it we had the initial appointment booked for them to visit the house but then his DM unexpectedly died so we cancelled and the issue wasn't raised again for a long time.

When I did mention it again he came out with the "we can do it ourselves and I don't want a stranger in the house" lines so the topic was dropped again.

A few months later I spoke about it again and I said I was totally fed up, we had a big argument and he told me to have a cleaner or else I was ever going to shut up about it. I took this as his agreement and I told him that once I was back at work then we would seriously look into it.

As the weeks progressed he started moaning about strangers in the house again if I mentioned cleaning companies I had looked at and he went back to his "we can do it ourselves" stance.

Three weeks ago (a week before I started back at work) we had a flyer delivered that was advertising a cleaning company so I stuck it on the front of the fridge with a magnet to remind me to look into them. When DH came home and saw the leaflet he said, "It isn't going to happen."

And that brings us to now Smile

OP posts:
BlinkAndMiss · 01/02/2015 14:23

My DH felt like this, the cleaning issue came to a head when DS turned 1 and my job was very demanding. I organised the cleaner and told DH that I was going to try it for one month. After one month he would then have the option to say whether or not he thought it was as worthwhile investment and whether or not he was bothered by a 'stranger' coming into the house. That was 6 months ago, he hasn't mentioned the cleaner at all - he won't admit he was wrong and daren't start incase I take the cleaner away. We no longer argue about the housework and the house it a lot cleaner than it ever was when the housework was left to me.

I considered hiring the cleaner in secret but I didn't want to start doing things like that in a trustworthy and good marriage. A fight about a cleaner is not an indication of a weak marriage so it's not worth creating issues.

PopularNamesInclude · 01/02/2015 14:23

It is going to happen.

notinagreatplace · 01/02/2015 14:25

I think the approach I'd take is to say that either we split it 50:50 or we get a cleaner. List out the jobs, divide them in half, and say that you'll review it together in a month and, if he hasn't done his half, you're getting a cleaner and that's final.

Jenijena · 01/02/2015 14:26

My DH was similar. It took two weeks of having a cleaner (nine years of living with each other) and he'd changed his mind completely.

DakotaFanny · 01/02/2015 14:32

Agree with what everyone is saying- once you've managed to get a cleaner over the threshold (with his knowing) there is no going back.

You get your weekends back, you stop squabbling about mess, you feel more in control. Our cleaners are also really lovely people and we will always be grateful for the changes they have made to our lives. My dh wasn't keen either, but he would be as upset as me if we lost them.

Why don't you try the one month thing- seems like a great plan.

Do you have friends with cleaners? A recommendation could go a long way with your dh?

Good luck.

smellsofelderberries · 01/02/2015 14:44

Tabu for going behind his back. Tell him you are getting a cleaner, end of. We got a cleaner a few months ago, for once a fortnight, and it has saved us countless arguments! We both love her!

Original poster
Writerwannabe83 · 01/02/2015 14:45

Nobody we know has a cleaner - at least not one they admit to anyway Grin

OP posts:
redredholly · 01/02/2015 14:50

I feel your pain OP! My DH thinks 'we can manage it between us' = I end up doing it all bar taking out the bins. Perhaps you should open up a special company for this 'invisible fairies'!

TondelayoSchwarzkopf · 01/02/2015 15:10

I agree with everything AnnieLobesder and LittleLeftie have said.

If your boiler broke down would he let a stranger in the house to fix it? Or your bathroom needed a refit or your roof started leaking? Of course he would. It is only women who are shamed for "outsourcing" household labour to a professionals as it is still seen as our domain. Nobody would challenge a man for not servicing his own car, cutting his own hair or creosoting his own fence. But there is a pervasive message that paying a professional to Hoover or mop is exploitative, embarrassing, a last resort...

This is why you should not keep it a secret - it is his work and his responsibility and he needs to be in on the decision.

Also remember a cleaner is not the magic bullet for unequal distribution of labour - one still needs to cook and wash up daily, collect, wash, dry and sort laundry, tidy up after yourself, household admin, birthdays, diaries, shopping...he shouldn't see a cleaner as the opportunity to completely absolve himself of responsibility

hiddenhome · 01/02/2015 15:14

Tell him that either he agrees to a cleaner, or you'll be getting a housewife which is what he has done.

Vijac · 01/02/2015 15:29

Try and find one on recommendation that a friend have used for a good period of time. Then present this solution as a trusted cleaner and don't take no for an answer. I wouldn't do it behind his back. The alternative is stop cleaning, washing up, washing etc until he changes his mind. The other compromise is not giving the cleaner a key and always being in while they're cleaning.

ThatBloodyWoman · 01/02/2015 15:29

Your other option if you really feel you can't go head to head,is to have someone do your windows,someone come in to steam clean your carpets and bins,someone to clean the cooker,someone to do the ironing,someone to do the gardening,someone to valet the car,someone to walk the dogs,someone to batch cook for you,someone to do the laundry,someone to deliver the shopping,etc etc etc.

Introduce them bit by bit,then at some point bring up how much its costing,and suggest perhaps a very flexible cleaner who'd find it convenient to work evenings while you're in,or early mornings,could be more cost effective in giving your family the level of help needed.

And keep the gardener,ironer,and windowcleaner Wink

AnyFucker · 01/02/2015 15:33

Get the cleaner

Tell him why

Make sure the money from the cleaner comes out of joint funds

Ignore any bellyaching

The End

AnyFucker · 01/02/2015 15:34

for the cleaner

Lweji · 01/02/2015 15:39

When DH came home and saw the leaflet he said, "It isn't going to happen."

The only possible response to that is that you will stop doing anything at home.
As in him having you as his cleaner is not going to happen. End of.

Lweji · 01/02/2015 15:40

If he doesn't like it, he can always walk out. One less mouth to feed, one less load of clothes to wash and one less making a mess.