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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To get a cleaner behind DH's back??

140 replies

Writerwannabe83 · 01/02/2015 10:44

Long standing issue of me wanting to get a cleaner and him not. He reckons he doesn't want a stranger in the house and that we can just do the cleaning ourselves. Needless to say he hardly ever does housework and his 'we can do the housework' will mean that I end up doing it all.

We've been having this discussion for months and I've had enough and am thinking of just going ahead without his knowledge.

He's going away for a week soon so I was thinking that in his absence I could have a cleaner come in to do one of those major, full house deep cleans and then make a regular arrangement with them to come weekly or fortnightly to keep on top of everything. I would obviously arrange this for a time when DH is at work The reason for keeping it all a secret is so he can't moan about a stranger having been in the house

Personally I see no harm in this as I am so sick of his 'stranger' excuse and his indecision and I'm also tired of living in a house where housework never seems to get done

OP posts:

Original poster

Writerwannabe83 · 01/02/2015 15:46

But I can't live in mess, I just can't.

I can't stop doing anything at home because the place will become a shit tip and I really can't live like that. Plus it's not practical to just stop doing the housework as everything needs to be clean and the house be in an organised manner because of the baby

My DH can't understand why I'm so 'anal' about the housework and I can't understand why he's so nonchalant about it.

Our opinions of what makes a clean house are miles apart.

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 01/02/2015 15:49

So, the compromise is to get someone else to do the cleaning and then the arguments about will stop

Surely ?

Is your husband a bit dim or something ?

AnyFucker · 01/02/2015 15:49

about it

GatoradeMeBitch · 01/02/2015 15:49

I was thinking along 'ballsforearrings's lines. How would your husband react if he came home unexpectedly to find a stranger cleaning his house? You'd put that person in a very awkward position.

Book the deep clean while he's away, but tell him you did it. Then tell him he starts doing his share of the housework, or you will hire a cleaner to do it. (Or - awesome fantasy scenario - dump him and employ as many cleaners as you like in your home!)

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 01/02/2015 15:50

Arrange it and tell him or he will just think huh I was right - see, everything is clean and DW obviously manages fine without me chipping in. He can lock anything away he doesn't want that person seeing. There are three of you now living in the home and personally I wouldn't care for the 'putting his foot down' tone and attitude.

Original poster

Writerwannabe83 · 01/02/2015 15:57

I guess I hadn't really thought about what would happen if he came home and found a cleaner in the house. The plan was to arrange their regular slot for a time that he's at work but I suppose I can't guarantee that for some reason he may unexpectedly come home.

I think I will tell him about the deep clean and take it from there. I don't know whether to tell him before or after it's done

anyfucker - he's not dim as such, it's just his male pride I reckon and he can be a bit tight at times

OP posts:

Nolim · 01/02/2015 15:59

What gatorade said.

SoMuchForSubtlety · 01/02/2015 15:59

I still don't understand why you need his permission.

AnyFucker · 01/02/2015 16:01

Male pride ? What bollocks.

What excuse then for you doing the lion's share while he sits on his arse citing that old chestnut "men don't see the dirt like women do" ? Does he consider you deserving of less respect than him ?

My H would be more embarassed by his equal partner scurrying around cleaning up after him like he was some wayward teenager.

Fabulous46 · 01/02/2015 16:08

My DH asked last week if we still "really needed" a cleaner as I'll be giving up work soon. I answered "well, if you want to take on what she does then no we don't." His reply "no, it's fine, I just asked." Our cleaner is staying.

clam · 01/02/2015 16:12

Male pride? If that's because he thinks he should have a wife who does it all for him then he can fuck right off. And if it's because he secretly realises he should be doing his share himself and is ashamed that he's not, then I get it, but the solution to that is either to get off his arse and plug in the hoover or..... GET A CLEANER!
Who cares what the neighbours think?

NickyEds · 01/02/2015 16:14

"It isn't going to happen."
Who the hell does he think he is??? Get the cleaner. He's not going to pull his weight. He just not. He doesn't see why he should because you keep doing it for him and, as you say he doesn't care if he lives in a shit tip. You do care and you're the one doing something about it. I wouldn't keep it a secret though, just tell him it's happening. What's he really going to do about it?
As for "the neighbors knowing" , loads of people have a cleaner nowadays and even if your neighbours don't what makes him think they give a shit if you do????

RegTheMonkey1 · 01/02/2015 16:19

My husband didn't want a cleaner either - same argument, didn't want a stranger in the house. We both worked full time with a long commute and I didn't want to spend weekends catching up on cleaning etc. So I told him that I would pay her myself and he said 'fine'. Then once she started (two hours Monday morning, two hours Friday morning) and he saw how great the house was looking and how free we were at the weekends, he totally came round to the idea. And in fact she became a good pal, and whenever I worked at home and she was in the house, we had really long 'tea breaks' when we'd sit round the table and chat and laugh. She was a wee whirlwind at the cleaning and the house was shining and spotless! I really miss her - we downsized to a small cottage and finances and the size of the place mean a cleaner would be a tad ridiculous.

clam · 01/02/2015 16:22

You paid her yourself? So that he was let off his proportion of cleaning duties?

AnyFucker · 01/02/2015 16:30

Any domestic help should be paid for out of joint funds

It's not just your house that gets cleaned, he benefits from it too.

RegTheMonkey1 · 01/02/2015 16:31

I paid her myself to begin with, then after a week or two he split it with me. I only worked out at £32 a week! (£16 each a week - peanuts)

RegTheMonkey1 · 01/02/2015 16:32

"It only worked out", not "I"

AnyFucker · 01/02/2015 16:36

fair enough

Pipbin · 01/02/2015 16:49

I love my cleaner. She cost £16 a week. The way I look at it is that most people will pay for a takeaway or dinner out each week at around that.
When you pay for a cleaner you are paying someone to do the work that you can't be arsed to do. It's just the same when you get a takeaway, you can't be arsed to cook dinner so you pay someone to do it.

I understand feeling funny about having someone in the house. I felt the same. My cleaner gave me a copy of her driving licence as ID. You just have to trust people sometimes.

Bluestocking · 01/02/2015 16:53

My DP argued for years that we didn't need a cleaner. I decided that 2015 would be the year when I stopped doing housework, so I told him I was hiring someone to do two hours every week. After her first session, he was hooked. Coming home to a sparkling clean, fresh-smelling house that someone else has cleaned has converted him. And I am not wasting my weekends of hoovering and shouting. My point is that you just have to take control, OP. Although I have lurked on lots of your threads so I do see that this may not be as simple as it sounds.

Original poster

Writerwannabe83 · 01/02/2015 17:26

A post I wrote has disappeared so I shall say it again:

My worry is that all over MN is the general consensus that all expenditures from the joint account should be discussed and agreed upon. He will not agree to this.

Hence the AIBU to just do it anyway?

OP posts:

HeartsTrumpDiamonds · 01/02/2015 17:26

Having a cleaner saved my marriage. Fact.

I have posted this before and still believe it 100%.

Runnyhunny · 01/02/2015 17:28

I would just get one and finished. Tell him he's had his chance to prove his domestic skills. Never heard anything like it!

Pipbin · 01/02/2015 17:31

It depends on your relationship.
If he came home one day to find that the house was clean and fresh and neither of you had done it then he might change his mind. But would he be furious that you had done it without getting his agreement first? Or, once he had discovered the joy of coming home to a clean house then would he be won over?

Original poster

Writerwannabe83 · 01/02/2015 17:34

He would probably assume that I have done it because I will arrange it for a day I'm off work

I would just smile and nod along and make him buy me some chocolates for working so hard on the house

OP posts:

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