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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask you to please give it straight to me

206 replies

Mintsandpinks · 31/01/2015 14:22

I'm mind thirties.

In overweight. Really overweight. Disgustingly so. I even make myself sick (I don't mean I'm bulimic! I mean - I make myself feel sick as I'm so fat.)

I have few friends. No boyfriend, never had a boyfriend.

Barely a career.

Never done anything that can be a talking point. Never been on holiday since I was at school with my mum and dad. Never go out for drinks or meals out. Never do much of anything.

Now - I know I'm a state. My flat is a state and I'm a mess. My finances are a mess too.

I don't know what to do.

OP posts:
Original poster
Mintsandpinks · 31/01/2015 18:20

Being sarcastic? Ordering me to 'take responsibility' for my own life? Sneering and saying 'you won't do it anyway.'

Of course you don't think you're unkind: you think you're straight talking and get to the point and why did I post if I didn't want bossy people lecturing me - oh sorry - "good advice"

OP posts:
ZeroFunDame · 31/01/2015 18:23

My finances are a mess too. From the OP.

Proper, joined up counselling can be accessed (admittedly via a waiting list) on the NHS through a GP. Anyone needing it might also be referred to a psychiatrist who will sit and chat ad infinitum. There is no charge for any of this.

£120 a month would surely go some way to improving other areas of life?

ilovesooty · 31/01/2015 18:24

I don't think Whatthefuck was sarcastic or unkind.
She said you didn't sound ready to make changes and she wasn't alone in that.
She also suggested you might get something from this thread when you are more ready, which I think was helpful and constructive.

Whatthefucknameisntalreadytake · 31/01/2015 18:25

I just shared my thoughts with you. I don't think I was unkind but I'm sorry if it came across that way.
I do stand by what I said though, it doesn't sound to me like you really want to make any changes right now, but when you do there is shedloads of good advice on this thread.
I also stand by what I said that I wish you all the best with it.

Dimplesandall · 31/01/2015 18:25

Op- i understand why youre being defensive but WTF struck me as being frank, not unkind i any way. And this is AIBU. Personaly, i dont like Road Less or the godawful Power of Now. But many do. Worth a browse to find some books which do speak to you.

Callaird · 31/01/2015 18:25

Mints that is exactly what I said today at my counselling group! I hate that they are all going through what I am going through but it's nice to know there are people out there who understand how I am feeling.

If you want to talk, feel free to PM me. I would PM you but I'm unlikeable so why would you want to talk to me?

Poofus · 31/01/2015 18:25

Hello Mints (nice name, btw!)

Since you are having counselling, I am wondering if you have talked to your counsellor about feeling like you want to die? Did he/she say anything useful about it?

I also feel a bit like you do sometimes. I also grew up with a v v controlling parent and think this has a lot to do with it. Counselling has been v helpful for me (but I had to find the right counsellor).

arlagirl · 31/01/2015 18:26

You did ask for straight talking Hmm

I think you've had lots of fantastic advice from everyone. Only you can take it from here.

MadameJosephine · 31/01/2015 18:41

OP I'm sorry I haven't had time to read the full thread but couldnt read and run. I thought this link might be helpful, I thought the 5 steps to mental well being might be a starting point for you to start feeling better about yourself and life in general. Be kind to yourself

www.nhs.uk/Conditions/stress-anxiety-depression/Pages/improve-mental-wellbeing.aspx

Shockers · 31/01/2015 18:45

May I make a suggestion?

Depression makes you tired and gives you a defeatist view of life. It's really difficult to make changes when that is your state of mind... I know, I've been in that dark hole of dispair and exhaustion.

The best thing I've found is Berocca (not the fizzy ones,they contain aspartame - you can buy it in tablet form from Boots), which is a daily dose of vitamins and minerals. Give yourself a week or two on something of that ilk and see if you have the energy to make a start on one of the issues that bothers you the most.

Don't be alarmed when your pee goes luminous, its a harmless side affect of a natural ingredient.

I guarantee you'll notice a difference!

Letmeeatcakecakecake · 31/01/2015 18:47

What a mess, no wonder you feel down!

  1. sort your flat out, de clutter and clean.
  2. join a weight loss group where you can meet people, learn about healthy foods and meal plan
  3. start walking! Go for a nice long walk every day is possible.
  4. try to do something positive every day
Peacocklady · 31/01/2015 18:49

I'm not overweight but I had a problem once (chronic blushing) and people mentioning made it so so much worse but it wasn't a thing people thought not to mention (as opposed to being overweight, apart from arseholes and medical professionals) so I ended up in a cycle of perpetual fear of someone mentioning it and this made it happen more. I forced myself to go to a counsellor and they didn't understand the fear and I didn't want to go to a doctor as it was embarrassing and I'd blush...vicious circle.
You sound phobic about your weight being pointed out to you like I was about the blushing. You can get over that phobia but it won't happen on its own. I started to really look at my face when I was blushing in the mirror. I hated myself but I forced it. My heart was beating and I expected a sweaty ugly mess. I told myself I was ok. I also watched other people who blushed and realised I wasn't the only one. Yes a dr will probably say you're overweight. Just think though once you've taken that hit and faced your fear so to speak, you've done the first step.
Do you talk about your weight with your counsellor?

formerbabe · 31/01/2015 18:59

Hi Mints...sorry you are feeling like this. I really think you should register with a doctor and talk to them about how you are feeling.

In the meantime... what do you enjoy doing? TV? Films? Music? Reading?

felkov · 31/01/2015 19:32

Hi Mints this is just an idea but would you invite your friends to go out for a walk with you and bring along their kids too (the 3 that you said had toddlers)? Or would you be interested in taking their kids to the park for an hour, to give them a break and give you a change of scene?

SuggestmeaUsername · 31/01/2015 19:48

Hi Mints is there anything from this thread that you think you will be able to put in to action to help you?

BlueBrightBlue · 31/01/2015 20:00

Shit parents right?

BoffinMum · 31/01/2015 20:05

TBH I think you sound very nice on here and I was sorry to read that you are so down.

I also think you probably already know everything everyone is telling you in terms of advice, and if you felt motivated to make changes, you would have done so by now. 'Eat fewer carbs' 'Tidy your flat' - it's not as though you are sitting there thinking 'Crikey, why didn't I think of that?' as you said in one of your posts. In other words, if you were in a position to be able to achieve what I would call with my sociologist hat on 'agency', you wouldn't need to be posting here. That's how it sounds to me, that you don't really have a sense of control over all these things and it keeps getting away from you.

So I have different advice.

What things do you like doing?
What things make you feel OK?
When do you get glimmers of a sense of control over your life?

My advice is to do more of this sort of thing. Stop thinking about all the stuff you think you 'should' be doing, and doing the 'right' think, and try living to please yourself a bit more. See what happens.

BoffinMum · 31/01/2015 20:10

Typical things I do to please myself. Other people presumably have different things they like.

Long baths
Small budget for downloading art films off iPlayer
Reading
Make proper coffee for breakfast
Put my birthday and Christmas presents in a special cupboard and get them out when I need a treat
Embroidery while I watch TV

laughingmyarseoff · 31/01/2015 20:46

I would go with the list, things that are positives and things you want to change (not negatives). Then look to break those things down smaller into manageable steps so they aren't so daunting.

Make sure to treat yourself plenty too: look into a hobby, have a long bath, watch something good on tv, have a glass of wine.

I know someone who couldn't face the gym, she's been doing the 30 day shred every two days and it's really helped her lose weight and have a lot more energy and better sleep. You can get it free on youtube.

Don't focus on only having a few friends, focus on the fact you have friends. Many don't and if they are good friends then they obviously feel you are too.

MillionToOneChances · 31/01/2015 21:15

You could retrain, you know. You could go to uni with a loan, you don't even start repaying until you earn more than 16k. Depends how much you're currently earning, but it might not be a crazy idea... Space to start new activities, make new friends, start down a new path...?

www.studentloanrepayment.co.uk/portal/page?_pageid=93,6678571&_dad=portal&_schema=PORTAL

Esmereldada · 31/01/2015 21:24

Mints So very sorry you feel like this - what a bloody shame.

Will be holding you in my heart, if that doesnt sound too poncey

RaisingMen · 31/01/2015 21:37

Ok then Op, what are you going to do so that you are not stuck in exactly the same position next year?

Flossyfloof · 31/01/2015 22:36

Is there anything at all that people have said that you feel you could/would do?

charlie0123 · 31/01/2015 23:05

Some great advice here - take time to read through it and choose 1 thing to do tomorrow. You said you wanted straight talking and you got it but you can change if you decide to. Good luck.

HubertCumberdale · 31/01/2015 23:09

Hey Mints
From reading the thread, the thing you come back to the most is your weight, so I am assuming that this is the thing that bothers you the most. I think that it's a good place to start, as it is something that you can be totally in charge of.
Could you make some small changes that wouldn't involve a whole lot of effort but may make a bit of difference? (I don't know your eating habits so these are just examples):
Change your daily fizzy drinks to water.
Have honey in your tea rather than sugar.
Swap white things (bread, pasta, rice) for the brown versions.
Add an extra vegetable or fruit to each meal.
etc.
Small changes don't take a huge amount of effort, but will be an excellent starting point and maybe get you in a better place to go whole hog. And if you pig out on something... so what? It's better to pig out after a day of eating healthy than pig out after a day of eating rubbish.