To ask you to please give it straight to me

[Mintsandpinks]

I'm mind thirties.

In overweight. Really overweight. Disgustingly so. I even make myself sick (I don't mean I'm bulimic! I mean - I make myself feel sick as I'm so fat.)

I have few friends. No boyfriend, never had a boyfriend.

Barely a career.

Never done anything that can be a talking point. Never been on holiday since I was at school with my mum and dad. Never go out for drinks or meals out. Never do much of anything.

Now - I know I'm a state. My flat is a state and I'm a mess. My finances are a mess too.

I don't know what to do.

I'm not lizs. I was using it as an example. That doesn't mean I don't appreciate the suggestion - it just isn't relevant to me at this time :)

why does a career change need funding of affording?
what do you do now? can you not look for permanent work doing the same thing?

as someone else said if nothing changes, nothing changes.

pick one thing off your list of things that make you unhappy and set about changing it.

i know it's hard when you're depressed [which you are i am sure] but
small changes can make a big difference.

can i ask how overweight you are? i realise that is a very personal question so please feel free to not answer. i am very overweight myself.

What is it that is most important or urgent ?

If you sorted out your personal image would you in turn take more pride in your flat ? Feel more confident at work and with friends? Are you financially stable ? Is losing weight really the be all and end all ? Once you can determine priorities you can start to plan how and when to set about them.

Spend tomorrow working through your income and outgoings, and begin to feel like you're in control of your finances.

If possible budget to set aside some money every month to pay for a holiday or another treat in the future.

On Monday find out where your nearest Slimming World group is. In no time you will have some friends, some social events and be feeling better about your health and weight.

Next weekend plan an afternoon at Ikea or somewhere similar to buy a few bits to cheer up your home.

Your work situation and boyfriends are longer term issues but things could be different a year from now, or they could be the same.

I appreciate the advice but SW definitely isn't for me; nor is WW.

Gymboy - because I'd need to go to college to retrain, and can't afford a) the fees or b) the time off work it would take.

In many ways I'm not that badly off. I just never seem to be ahead of myself. I don't want people thinking I'm just whining, I just honestly don't know where to start and (please PLEASE don't take this the wrong way!) trying to chivvy me into tidying the flat doesn't help.

There's absolutely no point looking for permanent work,with how I look now.

I think the problem is I've just become detached from life and norms - that post that was incredulous 'you must have someone" shows that.

Overeaters Anonymous, Mints?

My longer answer is I am sure you will feel better if you decide to spend just 15 minutes a day on each of those difficult areas of your life. Don't aim for more, just 15 minutes each. Even if that 15 minutes is only googling information or scrubbing one sink, you need to prove to yourself that you can do things to change things for better.

People are giving you lots and lots of suggestions where to start but you are knocking back each and every one. So tell us where YOU would like to start as you have a firm idea of where you DON'T want to start?

you said you wanted people to give it to you straight-but you don't.

what you want is people to say 'oh dear , isn't your life awful, '

and that's fine if that's what you want.

however you are making lots of excuses. can't look for permanent work because of the way you look, can't join a slimming club because you know it won't work, can't get a gp because they will tell you to lose weight, can't make your flat better because nothing you do will make any difference, can't , can't can't, cant.

what you mean [i think] is that you are so depressed that you can't face doing anything at all.

which brings us back to getting a gp and getting medical help.

only YOU can make life better.

What retraining would you hope to do? Can that be the goal you aim towards? When temping are you just filing in or longer term contracts, use the time in these companies to look for internal vacancies, if you do a good job you never know what may come up.

If you say you can or you can't, you're probably right.

Can't remeber who provided that quote but it's a good one.

How much weight do you have to lose overall, ideally? And is there a smaller goal which would make you feel better in the meantime? I've lost nearly 5 stone in a year. Mostly on 3:4 (like the 5:2 diet, but fasting Monday, Wednesday and Friday every week). Having only 500Cal worth of food practically every other day, the weight comes off really well, and you will notice a difference in your spends on food, absolutely massively! It's not even that hard once you get used to it (it is hard the first couple of weeks though).

So your list would be:
unhappy in your body
lack of friends/boyfriend
job sucks
lack of holiday
lack of going out/activities/social
flat in a mess
finances a mess

possible things to do (just ideas):
15 minute walk a day (good for body)
find an adult education course to give you new training/meet new people/getting out (3 in one!)
fix a time to daily tidy or clean in your house for 15 minutes
invest in a rabbit (until the boyfriend can be secured...)

Holiday is tougher, I know a lot of families that can never go on holiday either. Any relatives you could go visit for a weekend (free lodging)? At least it would be a change.

No, I don't gym. I wanted to talk and have had the opportunity to talk and have said, twice now, that it has helped.

What YOU want is for me to say 'Oh yes! I didn't think about tidying up / losing weight / whatever' and fawn over with gratitude.

If someone says something that isn't relevant I am permitted to politely explain this. I haven't been rude in my replies - unlike you.

As for knocking back the answers - I suppose I am. That's largely because I don't even want to be alive so tidying is by and large futile really isn't it?

But I'm probably best leaving it there. Thanks for letting me talk.

You mention your weight first in your OP. Perhaps if you addressed this before anything else then you might feel more confident and happy in yourself to deal with the other things?

I don't know how old you are OP but I am late twenties and I have lots of friends who attend weight watchers or slimming world. It helps them lose a bit of weight but they also have made friends and had a social life through this support network.

You don't have to see a GP to do that!

OP - Your first posts ends with "I don't know what to do." another post states "Ultimately what I need to do is lose weight but the amount I have to lose is daunting."

Having read your responses to the suggestions of help and advice offered I think it's the losing weight that's most important to you. Do you think that's right?

You say WeightWatchers hasn't helped in the past but maybe you weren't as committed to change as you are now. Those that stick to the plan do lose weight and there are a couple of plans to choose from. The weekly weigh in can be helpful as it's great to see the scales drop a lb or two every week and gives you something to aim for and the meetings offer support and advice. There may be someone there of a similar weight to you who would benefit from your support and encouragement or you could go walking/swimming/ to the gym with. Perhaps it was that group or leader that you didn't gel with? Find another local group and give that a try - Just make a commitment to go for four weeks. If it's not working then fine but do try again.

I know it's obvious, but if things don't alter then they'll stop as they are. You said to give it to you straight... The only one that can make these changes is you. You'll need to accept that things won't change dramatically over night or in a week but if you start making the changes now, this time next year you could be a completely new you.

Start today - Make a healthy filling dinner. Do you have the ingredients? Can you walk to the shop and get some? Could you go for a fifteen minute walk after dinner? Start those little changes now.

You need to see doctor if you don't want to be alive - you're depressed.

I know. I've tried it before - many times now! - and can't get the hang of it! I am useless I know but as soon as I eat I binge eat this defeating the object, of course.

If you go to the mental health part of MN, there are some herbal tablets that could be a start to dealing with the depression. That, and doing 1 small thing a day to get your place tidy and sorted. It does wonders for me when I sort stuff out, boxes of it I have! I say, "OK, today I'll do one box." The problem with too much thinking, or even planning, is that you don't end up doing.

Something else I do as a sort of 'fun challenge' is to pick something to 'give up' each week. It's like a little challenge to myself and in the end, I eat better even after the week finishes as I get into some better habits. I find a week is manageable because you can see the end! It's also satisfying, even if you cave in a couple of times. So:
Week 1: No wheat products (mostly bread is my weakness, but forces me to find other stuff so last time I did this I discovered I can actually make gluten free pizza! And it's nice!!)
Week 2: No Caffeine
Week 3: No sugar (this one is very hard!)
Week 4: Fresh fruit/ veg for 2 meals per day (ie. salad in evening, fresh fruit and yog for breakfast)
And repeat again!

You could look up a detox which you think is manageable. Or try the 5:2 fasting plan where you eat v low cal meals 2 days per week. Not as a way to lose weight initially, but as a way to start feeling healthier and better. The better I eat, the better I feel, generally, but it is just getting the discipline going which is so hard. I think once you make a start and feel just a bit better, it's easier to keep going. The better you feel about yourself, the more you will want to look after yourself.

Sorry I've just read the entire thread and realised you don't want to do this. Just a thought anyway.

I don't have a doctor :)

Hi Mints,
I stumbled upon this site by mistake, and then I read your post and was so touched that I had to register to reply.
First of, I like the name you chose. Mints and pinks. So cute.
Second of, most of the lovely people here giving you advices on what you should do have never been depressed to the point of not wanting to really live. So I signed up here to tell you I've been there, and it's hard. It's hard as hell and very few people around you can understand it.
I applaud your willingness to stick to your gut feeling and not register with the gp. It looks like you are not confused ALL of the time, right?
In your intro you also don't say what it is that you want? So I'm asking. What do you want?
And I guess you know a few things- one is that this is now your life. Nobody can live it for you or solve it for you. It's really all up to you.
Second is that you need to voice what it is you want. Do you want to change your life? If you do, what are you going towards?
Can you see your life as a blank canvas? It looks like everything is terrible, but you can really take it from here in any direction you want. There's much power in that.
One advice if I may- whatever you choose to do, do baby steps. Choose one little change you want to do- I don't know, drink one more glass of water every day. And if you manage to stick with that for a week, introduce another.
And keep listening to your gut. You know what to do. Coming here and asking for support is the great thing you could do for yourself, isn't it?
Take good care of yourself!
Much love! We're rooting for you. :)

But look - honestly - we will just end up going round in circles and people will get angry with me and please don't. Words on a screen I know but it does rather upset me as I feel I have to defend myself and then people get cross I'm not taking advice and so on.

I'm not getting a doctor as they will just call me fat! I'm not depressed - just a useless lump. And I suppose that's why I can't change anything either. Don't be angry: it's me, I know.

not at all!!

but when you say ' give it to me straight' , what do you want people to say?

people can only read your post which shows that you are very unhappy and make suggestions on how you can change so that you are not unhappy.

you feel that everything is impossible and that basic changes won't make any difference.

this is because you are depressed.

being depressed is a medical condition like any other medical condition. it needs treatment. if you get treatment then you might find that everything doesn't seem so hopeless.

Did - such a lovely message.

Unfortunately what I want is either to die or to start life again (I don't mean just moving away or whatever I mean, literally, be born again, do it all again and not mess up.)

Sorry I can't reply more positively.

The cycle of change diagram is relevant to any life or situation that is open to change (or nor open)
It simply helps you to identify how ready you are to make changes.
I work quite a lot with motivation in my day job and what you're presenting is the "yes but, no but"
As someone above said, if you are too depressed to be able to make a start on anything a GP needs to be your first port of call. In any case if you were to be taken ill it would be very awkward if you weren't registered with one.